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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband’s behaviour is confusing.

69 replies

Kaynay66 · 27/09/2022 09:59

I have been married for less than 2 years. Over time my husband is becoming more verbally aggressive.

He begins a fight for no reason. E.g. I assumed he went to put back a piece of item he picked up. So I was waiting for him. However, he wanted to buy the item which I never realised. He had a go at me. I told him it was as a mistake as I thought he was not buying it. He start to have a go at me to the point public were looking at me. I told him not to be rude and he said I need to stop acting brave.

He picks on me and when I try justify myself (not argue back but explain myself) he cuts me off. He starts telling me I am a liar and I chat crap. I don’t raise my voice, shout or swear.

Then it got to the point where I stopped explaining myself and just listened to his random outbursts. It became mentally tiring so switching off to as how I coped. He told me I had a mental disorder and needed an assessment.

Then when I go to bed as I need to start work early mornings, he will make so much noise on purpose. He will play music loud even though I have asked he use headphones. I will go in another room, then he will come in there and make noise. I told him the noise is too much so I’ll leave for tonight. He told me to FO out the home.

he never apologises and calls me toxic.

OP posts:
sunlovingcriminal · 27/09/2022 10:01

... why are you staying with him? Not sure what advice you want, but he sounds vile. If you're looking for permission to leave, reread what you just wrote!

picklemewalnuts · 27/09/2022 10:03

That's not confusing? He's an abusive arsehole. Where is the confusion?

SummerWhisper · 27/09/2022 10:04

I don't understand why you are confused as it's very clear. He detests you enough to want to humiliate you, bully you and make your life a misery. You need to consider why you are with him. This is not love.

XPD · 27/09/2022 10:07

He is abusive. You should leave him before it get worse.

Dogtooth · 27/09/2022 10:10

You know when you see a news story about a woman who has been beaten by her husband for years, and people say 'why didn't she just leave?'

It's because this kind of shit precedes the beating bit. An abusive man will wear you down by fucking with your head until you lose all confidence and become submissive. Making you doubt yourself, making you think you're the one with the problem, making you think it's all your fault and you're some kind of burden to him. It's all textbook.

He may or may not go on to become violent towards you, but he's already showing a complete lack of respect and it's not going to get better from here. Abuse ramps up as it gets harder for you to leave - marriage, financial dependence, pregnancy and children.

Don't get pregnant by him. Make plans to leave.

inheritanceshiteagain · 27/09/2022 10:11

Dogtooth · 27/09/2022 10:10

You know when you see a news story about a woman who has been beaten by her husband for years, and people say 'why didn't she just leave?'

It's because this kind of shit precedes the beating bit. An abusive man will wear you down by fucking with your head until you lose all confidence and become submissive. Making you doubt yourself, making you think you're the one with the problem, making you think it's all your fault and you're some kind of burden to him. It's all textbook.

He may or may not go on to become violent towards you, but he's already showing a complete lack of respect and it's not going to get better from here. Abuse ramps up as it gets harder for you to leave - marriage, financial dependence, pregnancy and children.

Don't get pregnant by him. Make plans to leave.

Read this. Especially the last sentence!

Squiblet · 27/09/2022 10:15

Try googling Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Many women in a similar situation have found it helpful. I've read on social media that you can download it for free, although I don't have the link, sorry.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/09/2022 10:17

What's confusing? If a person treats you badly you either put up with it or leave. Your choice.

firstmummy2019 · 27/09/2022 10:21

Your husband is a bully! Can you go anywhere else? Stay with family?

Dogtooth · 27/09/2022 10:53

Here's a link to Lundy Bancroft www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf#page=2

The short of it is, he behaves this way because it gives him power over you.

Why does he want power over you? Because it gives him a thrill, or because he's insecure and thinks you might leave him otherwise, or because he thinks men should dominate women, or because it's how relationships were modelled to him growing up, or because it's convenient to have a submissive woman at his beck and call, or because he feels bullied by other people in his life and wants someone to take it out on. Or a mix of all those things. Or he might just be a pig.

He's choosing to do this, and it's not what love looks like.

Original poster
Kaynay66 · 27/09/2022 11:18

sunlovingcriminal · 27/09/2022 10:01

... why are you staying with him? Not sure what advice you want, but he sounds vile. If you're looking for permission to leave, reread what you just wrote!

He was good beforehand. Just normal arguments that couple have. He used to be understanding too and never swore.

past few months he has become aggressive

OP posts:
DayOfTheDestroyer · 27/09/2022 11:28

Most likely Hes showing his true colours. hes married you now ..hes got you where he wants he feels like he can do this now.

You need to talk to him and tell him ..if he does NOT Acknowledge his unaccpetable behaviour then I suggest you seriously consider if this is a relationship you want stay in.

Bookworm20 · 27/09/2022 11:46

Dogtooth · 27/09/2022 10:10

You know when you see a news story about a woman who has been beaten by her husband for years, and people say 'why didn't she just leave?'

It's because this kind of shit precedes the beating bit. An abusive man will wear you down by fucking with your head until you lose all confidence and become submissive. Making you doubt yourself, making you think you're the one with the problem, making you think it's all your fault and you're some kind of burden to him. It's all textbook.

He may or may not go on to become violent towards you, but he's already showing a complete lack of respect and it's not going to get better from here. Abuse ramps up as it gets harder for you to leave - marriage, financial dependence, pregnancy and children.

Don't get pregnant by him. Make plans to leave.

This. A million percent.

This man does not love you. he does not respect you. Regardless of what he says when he is 'being nice'. Look at his actions, thats all you need to know.

You will be far far happier without him in your life. He has even escalated already after just 2 years of marriage to tell you you ahve a mental problem. Thats classic abusive. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. The sooner he goes, the sooner you can get back to feeling like 'you'.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 12:27

If its only the past few months then I can guarantee there's another woman. He wants you to end your marriage so he looks good.

Make plans to leave and do it. If you think you might be ready then ask for practical advice but remember abusive men cycle through being nice then nasty then nice again. Its another form of abuse.

greystarblanchard · 27/09/2022 12:29

He sounds horrible. You can do better x

OnaBegonia · 27/09/2022 12:36

He's a bullying cunt.
Leave him, it's that simple.

ParentallyUnprepared · 27/09/2022 12:36

Leave before you have kids.

Soozikinzii · 27/09/2022 12:50

Fortunately you've only been married two years and have no children. Get out while it will be easy to extract yourself.

I6344 · 27/09/2022 14:05

Kaynay66 · 27/09/2022 09:59

I have been married for less than 2 years. Over time my husband is becoming more verbally aggressive.

He begins a fight for no reason. E.g. I assumed he went to put back a piece of item he picked up. So I was waiting for him. However, he wanted to buy the item which I never realised. He had a go at me. I told him it was as a mistake as I thought he was not buying it. He start to have a go at me to the point public were looking at me. I told him not to be rude and he said I need to stop acting brave.

He picks on me and when I try justify myself (not argue back but explain myself) he cuts me off. He starts telling me I am a liar and I chat crap. I don’t raise my voice, shout or swear.

Then it got to the point where I stopped explaining myself and just listened to his random outbursts. It became mentally tiring so switching off to as how I coped. He told me I had a mental disorder and needed an assessment.

Then when I go to bed as I need to start work early mornings, he will make so much noise on purpose. He will play music loud even though I have asked he use headphones. I will go in another room, then he will come in there and make noise. I told him the noise is too much so I’ll leave for tonight. He told me to FO out the home.

he never apologises and calls me toxic.

My lovely you're in an abusive relationship. It will never get better, you need to leave ❤️

Surtsey · 27/09/2022 14:14

He is a nasty abusive bully, and it is only going to get worse.

Please listen to all the good advice on here. It is NOT you, it is him, and you really need to make plans to escape this dreadful marriage.

I'm so sorry.

billy1966 · 27/09/2022 14:30

You are in a highly abusive relationship.

Get out before you get pregnant and really ruin your life.

Don't tell him.

Reach out to family and friends, pack and get out.

Get a solicitor if you have a house to sell, but get out NOW.

Herejustforthisone · 27/09/2022 14:38

He’s as abusive as they come. And more worrying, he’s escalating.

Ofcourseshecan · 27/09/2022 14:45

Surtsey · 27/09/2022 14:14

He is a nasty abusive bully, and it is only going to get worse.

Please listen to all the good advice on here. It is NOT you, it is him, and you really need to make plans to escape this dreadful marriage.

I'm so sorry.

I often suggest counselling or other ways of sorting out a problem. But this isn’t a problem. He is the problem. He harms you because he can. You can’t change a bully’s character, and you can’t make someone love and respect you.

Please get free of him as quickly as you can.

Original poster
Kaynay66 · 27/09/2022 15:05

Dogtooth · 27/09/2022 10:53

Here's a link to Lundy Bancroft www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf#page=2

The short of it is, he behaves this way because it gives him power over you.

Why does he want power over you? Because it gives him a thrill, or because he's insecure and thinks you might leave him otherwise, or because he thinks men should dominate women, or because it's how relationships were modelled to him growing up, or because it's convenient to have a submissive woman at his beck and call, or because he feels bullied by other people in his life and wants someone to take it out on. Or a mix of all those things. Or he might just be a pig.

He's choosing to do this, and it's not what love looks like.

Thank you.

I think it must be a controlling thing

I am quite social and get on with people including his friends and family. Husband uses it against me saying I am doing too much.

Career-wise: He makes comments how easy I have it. On the basis that, I earn more money for doing less work in comparison to other fields. He dismisses the part on how I have had to work my way up doing extra hours unpaid/training etc.

He sometimes asks for help on matters he is unsure of such as legal matters. I help. He tells me I am wrong and I am not more knowledgeable (never claimed I was btw).
Later turns out, I was right but I still get no apology other than a long winded waffle on why he believed I was wrong initially.

If something does not make sense to him immediately, he will dismiss it as nonsensical. For instance birth control pills. He said the side affects are exaggerated. I told him each women reacts different and it is harsh to say they are exaggerating. I also told him of the various studies. He dismisses it saying men have hormones too and they don’t use it as an excuse to have mood swings.

OP posts:
Surtsey · 27/09/2022 15:16

Oh so he's a mansplaining smartarse as well as an abusive bully.

Please don't spend the rest of your life putting up with this shit. You deserve far, far more than this. Flowers

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