Husband’s behaviour is confusing.

[Kaynay66]

I have been married for less than 2 years. Over time my husband is becoming more verbally aggressive.

He begins a fight for no reason. E.g. I assumed he went to put back a piece of item he picked up. So I was waiting for him. However, he wanted to buy the item which I never realised. He had a go at me. I told him it was as a mistake as I thought he was not buying it. He start to have a go at me to the point public were looking at me. I told him not to be rude and he said I need to stop acting brave.

He picks on me and when I try justify myself (not argue back but explain myself) he cuts me off. He starts telling me I am a liar and I chat crap. I don’t raise my voice, shout or swear.

Then it got to the point where I stopped explaining myself and just listened to his random outbursts. It became mentally tiring so switching off to as how I coped. He told me I had a mental disorder and needed an assessment.

Then when I go to bed as I need to start work early mornings, he will make so much noise on purpose. He will play music loud even though I have asked he use headphones. I will go in another room, then he will come in there and make noise. I told him the noise is too much so I’ll leave for tonight. He told me to FO out the home.

he never apologises and calls me toxic.

OP do you agree that he is a misogynist and is abusing you?

I think it's really important that you acknowledge that to yourself as a first step.

I'd be thinking of this as a starter marriage and I'd celebrate the anniversary with a divorce.

Do you have children together? Is your home owned or rented?

Read your description of him in your opening post. Would you treat anyone like he treats you? Would you treat someone you love like he treats you?

Of course you wouldn't. That isn't how you treat someone you love. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you. He bullies, humiliates, undermines, picks fights, gaslights, messes with your head, accuses you of being mentally unwell. He is a classic abuser. He won't improve. More than likely he will get worse. Please get out before he does, and before he undermines you even more. Get out so you can have a calm and happy life. Don't ever stay with someone who goes out of their way to make you unhappy. Why would you?

lease get out before he does, - by that I meant please get out before he gets worse.

OP, you arent confused. You sound very astute to me. You can clearly see hes being a dickhead and treating you bad, and that its escalating. You know youve tried several strategies regarding how you react in order to see if that changes anything. It doesnt.
Youve tried. You cant allow yourself to be treated like shit by a bloke. It will just get worse. He needs to go

He is abusing you and he's escalating. Already you've admitted you don't bother to stick up for yourself anymore, just take his abuse. He's trying to erode your self-esteem, ruin your sleep, make you feel stupid. Please leave as it will only get worse and you'll be too physically and mentally exhausted to go.

I've been with my current partner for six years and I think in that time we've only had one real argument. You talk about previously having just the "normal" sorts of arguments and you've only been married two years - it sounds as if the tension has always been there it's just being escalated - you don't have to be with someone who is always on the cusp of kicking off and who is disrespectful, rude and threatening. Calling you mentally ill or toxic is classic gaslighting - my ex husband did the same during divorce when I was pushed to my limit and actually coping very well under some very bad behaviour on his part, the narrative he must have told his friends would have been quite the work of fiction. It's not healthy to live that way - I hope you can find a way out of this relationship.

This isn't a person you want to spend the rest of your life with or have children together with.

Hopefully there are no children already. Don't bring any into this abusive relationship.

What's your living situation? ie renting, joint owners etc.

Get your finances in order and either kick him out or leave.

He is a bully and it is not going to get better only worse. "He was better before2 - no he was putting on an act and he is no longer putting on that act. You are now seeing his true self.

You need to leave.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. This sounds so like my marriage which was also less than 2 years. I have since realised that he is a classic narcissist as he ticked so many boxes, when I read up on it. He totally love bombed me in the beginning and we got married. Slowly but surely, he then started to devalue me, much like in the way that you have described your DH doing to you. It can start out subtle and then bit by bit, it puts you into a state of confusion.

Of course, this is confusing and I started questioning myself, it doesn't feel right and doesn't fit in with the person that you thought they were. However my STBXH then got violent with me and after that, the gaslighting started to amplify as he wanted to make out everything was my fault. He was secretly recording me, trying to get me to admit to things I didn't do.

We will now be going through a divorce and actually, I am glad I got away before it got worse. I suggest you do the same.

What's confusing, is why you're still with a man who treats you like dirt.

I am picking up that English isn't your first language.
If what you're really wondering is "Is this a normal way for husbands treat wives 2 years in? " no it bloody well isn't.

You don't deserve this awful behaviour ; and please dont even think of letting him father your children.

On the social thing, it's also classic abuser behaviour to start isolating you from friends and family. Saying you go out too much, you're not safe out on your own, starting arguments with your friends and family so they back off, being jealous of you seeing anyone and accusing you of infidelity.

You said this guy had good qualities.... .. i dont think this guy is worth you trying to sort this marriage out.
But its your marriageso will be a big decision

He sounds like a monumental arsehole and a bully. You can do better than him. You deserve better.

He will only get worse so I would dump him.

He told you to stop acting brave? Time to act brave OP! Get out of there!

The effecting your sleep thing is another classic tactic of abusers @Kaynay66 . They do it to make you worn out and easier to control.

It's not confusing, he's just bored of hiding his real self from you.

He sounds genuinely terrifying and if this is what he's capable of now I dread to think of what he is really planning to do to destroy you.

He thinks you won't leave now you are married as you'd have too much to loose so has dropped the "nice guy" act and is showing you the real him. Don't get pregnant by him. Do contact Women's aid and reach out to your friends. Don't listen to him as you know you cannot trust anything he says. He is trying to get you to question your own reality - please don't as you know you are sane. Get a good solicitor and copies of all financial information and keep them away from the house (with a friend or locker at work etc).

He hates you, and possibly women in general. They start doing this often when they want out. When you leave he can 'blame' you. When in fact you will be saving your own life.

Hi OP,
It sounds like you need some real life support. Women's Aid or your local Domestic Abuse agency will support you. They will help you to recognise that this is abuse, and help you to leave safely when/if you decide to do so.

Sleep deprivation is a recognised torture method, it's been around for ages. If you don't get enough sleep you are less likely to be able to plan and think rationally. You are more likely to tolerate his shit because you are too tired to resist it. You become more malleable. Until relatively recently it was often used by police or military as a method to extract confessions, it's a way to make people say or do things that they just wouldn't if they were in full command of their faculties. Worst case scenario is that you become too tired to do your job effectively and you get into trouble for making mistakes, possibly even lose your job. If that happens then he'll really ramp up the abuse because he'll think he has you trapped.

Break up with this loser TODAY! And use contraceptives always.

There's nothing confusing about his behaviour. He's showing you exactly who he is. Start planning an exit from this relationship because he will gradually erode your self esteem until you are no longer the person you were. I bet you are already less confident than you were before you met him if you're totally honest. Please don't bring a child into this. He will destroy you if you stay. You are worth more than this.

Please don’t get pregnant by him.
Talk to people in real life and make plans to divorce.