Deciding not to date while raising a young child

[Goatbilly]

Has anyone decided (given up) on trying to date while raising a young child on their own?

I've recently dipped my toes back into OLD, and apart from the usual, expected online dating behaviour of flakiness, ghosting etc. I find the whole thing so utterly unappealing. I can barely fathom an interest to keep the chats going (again tedious, repetitive) never mind trying to 'date' some of these men and moreover to try and imagine them in my DC's life ? The thought of upheaval to my DC and getting it 'wrong' fills me with dread. I'm not looking for a father figure or anything like that, just someone for 'me'. One man even said how no man would want to be on the periphery of my DC's life if the relationship is to be serious?! I can't believe some of the entitlement around how they perceive their own 'role' in this. The one who made this claim didn't have own child/ren. It is perfectly acceptable for the man not to have a 'role' in any way, I know this but was just astounded to their arrogance.

How does anyone feel confident in dating?

I've come off OLD as I can't see the point; I'm just too protective (sensible?) in wanting to carry on the search. Does anyone feel the same and has given up effectively (until the children are older and it's less of an issue?)

I did stop OLD and basically became purposely celibate for about 6 years.

Honestly I actually found it liberating.

My daughter was 2 when I left her father, he's not been in her life since.

So I was probably single until she was 9. Then I met my partner. DD now 13 and we won't be blending until back end of next year at least when his son goes to Uni.

What those years taught me was the value of my independence, not to compromise and put my daughter, me and my career first. Spent time with family and friends.

Honestly it was the best decision. We only date because everyone says we need to "move on" or "get back out there" when actually what's more important is focussing on you, your life and that of your child.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing, and it's empowering.

Well I'm probably not much help to you because I don't even HAVE children, but I've given up at the age of 38. I am fairly certain I will never so much as go on a date with someone again, never mind have sex or start a relationship. I've been let down far too much already and my last two relationships did nothing but make life harder. Like you I gave OLD a shot, but like you I was mainly encountered by complete and utter arseholes who destroyed that last little bit of faith I just about had. I love my space anyway and it was too hard to find someone in the healthy middle at the best of times - they either didn't care enough to commit at all or they were too full on and wanted to slobber all over me like some untrained puppy. I've felt a lot less pressure since I've resigned. But just because I'm too damaged to carry on it doesn't mean you are too if deep down you really want a partner. You never know... you might meet someone in real life who you can slowly build a friendship with first. If he's the right one he will put no pressure on you at all and one day it will just hit you x

Yep I dated briefly when Dd was 3, dating is expensive in time, finances and emotions. After we ended it I decided to spend that time and energy on DD and have been much happier.

DD is a teen now and although she's told me to date if I want to I really wouldn't know how to go about it and don't fancy Old, I certainly could never live with a man as I'd no idea how too but then I've never actually had a proper relationship as had DD when 23 and never had a live-in boyfriend.

Being single does get much easier with time, your DC get older and you can do the date like activities with them cinemas, theatres, restaurants etc.

My children were 6 and 13 when I separated from my husband.

After a year or so, I did go on a few dates and had a few short flings but I had no desire for a relationship. My youngest is now 16 and last year I started a relationship with someone. She has asked why I didn't have a relationship sooner because she's the only one of her friends whose parents split who doesn't have a stepdad! But I still feel it was the right decision for me and her.

I think it sounds like you have come across some silly men with throw away comments.
It's hard to date with DC yes but how old were these men you were speaking to?

Honestly people can be so thoughtless at times. I've had a couple of comments said to me that I should/will have to date someone who has kids also.

My nana never dated at all.... way before all this modern technology mainly because she had 2 DDs and was worried...she is single till this day now in her 70s and she's a beautiful person inside and out. She deserved to be a mother and meet someone also.

Just remember OP being a mother doesn't mean you aren't entitled to have a bit of fun and be a good mum too! You can go on dates and not bring a man into your family home in the early stages

I have been single since my marriage ended a few years ago and have a DS who is still in primary school. My ex has him every other weekend which doesn’t leave a lot of time for dating or much of a life outside work and being a parent to be honest.

I don’t get out a lot so have limited opportunities to meet a potential partner and I’ve tried online dating but found it didn’t suit me at all. I had 2 dates and just had this overwhelming feeling of doom that I couldn’t do a new relationship on top of everything else I have got going on in my life.

Like you I am very protective of my DS and wary of letting anyone into my life, especially while is he so young. I have deleted my dating profiles now, but didn’t mention I had a child on my profile and only brought it up when I had been chatting for a little while (always before a date) so I could get to know them a little bit first. I had bad experiences with people who got the hump that I hadn’t splashed it all over my profile in big letters so they could weed me out. Didn’t seem to understand why it might be a bad idea to advertise the fact I am a woman living alone with a young child.

I have just given up. I am wary of men after my last relationship anyway and am just content to be alone for the foreseeable. Life is ok, we are content for the time being and whilst I do get a bit lonely sometimes I can distract myself enough that it isn’t too much of a problem.

One man even said how no man would want to be on the periphery of my DC's life if the relationship is to be serious?! I can't believe some of the entitlement around how they perceive their own 'role' in this.

In some ways I can see his point, if you're looking for a life partner then he needs to be integral to your life. I also see your point, your child is the focus of your life, ours were too but as they grew and developed their own lives we started looking more at ourselves.

You obviously don't want a father figure/step dad type person in your childs life then just view dating as looking for a friend and not a partner. Days out, maybe a bit of 'fun' but no more, nothing serious. I'm sure you'll find a FWB if thats more what you're after.

@jeaux90 that is so true, I was happily single for over 10 years yet people always harped on about meeting someone! I was having the time of my life, always out somewhere, amazing holidays, why did I want to "settle" down! I don't have kids but wanted a man free life.

I dated until age 30, when I adopted my two daughters, ages 6 and 4. I decided not to date until they were grown. I felt that their needs were most important and I was suspicious of any man who would want to date an average woman with two beautiful daughters.

I think the longer you go on your own the less accepting you become of others in your personal life. Having a husband/wife/partner is a bit intrusion and means lots of compromises on both sides. If you're used to living on your own and happy then someone else is only going to upset that balance.

@BigFatLiar you're not wrong! I now live with my boyfriend and I'll be honest I'd much separate living arrangements!

I'm fairly recently separated with 3 very young children - I'm late 30s. I can't see when I'd find the time or energy to date to be honest. And like you say I don't want/need a father figure for my kids so what then does a relationship with someone new then look like? You aren't a "team" as such since you are largely leading separate lives and I certainly wouldn't look to live with someone/blend families for many years so to me that's not even a relationship - but I'm not sure what this is. But day I wait until the kids older - until the youngest are 16 that's 15 years on my own by which time I'm mid 50s and then arguably lost the best years of my life to actually have "fun" with someone?

by which time I'm mid 50s and then arguably lost the best years of my life to actually have "fun" with someone?

You haven't lost them you've spent them raising your children and that's an amazing way to spend 'the best years' of your life.

Im a single mum I’ve been single for 5 years (no men at all in that time) not because it’s my choice though but because my kids are with me full time (don’t see their father) I would date if I had the opportunity but sadly I don’t.

My dd is 18 after Christmas, I've been single the whole time (her father has had no involvement). I didn't have the emotional or physical energy to date when she was small. As she got bigger I actively didn't want to get into a blended family situation as I've seen close up how hard that is. And I didn't really want more children, I wanted to get back into my career. So those two things ruled out lots of men :) Obviously if I had met someone wonderful by chance I might have thrown those things out of the window, but I wasn't inclined to go looking.
Over the last couple of years I've dipped my toe into online dating but it's pretty unappealing, and I am happy on my own, although I might try again when Dd moves out (planning for uni next year).

@BigFatLiar

Sorry I meant in terms of looks / energy / feeling "young" enough to be silly and spontaneous etc

All of my friends who were brought up in single parent families never had a step parent - their parents (both mums and dads) never dated anyone else. Some of them still haven't dated, even though their kids are grown up and married off and have families of their own!
One of my friends has graduated from uni, has a lovely house with a great partner, and her mum came to visit her to ask her permission to go on a date! She was like "mum - you're a 60 year old woman! You don't have to ask my permission!"

On a darker note, there was a statistic (possibly outdated now) that said that the majority of child sexual abuse cases happened in a home where a step parent was present. I know that this was the reason most of my friend's parents never introduced anyone into the home, sadly.

I agree with the guy who said eventually he would expect more of a role in the child's life. Otherwise he's just a bit on the side and the relationship has nowhere to go. Would you really want the two people you love most not to know each other?

I was suspicious of any man who would want to date an average woman with two beautiful daughters.

That's a bit messed up.

My mum made a conscious decision not to date anyone until I was old enough to mostly look after myself (16 or so). In retrospect, I'm really grateful she did put family life first. Tbf, her choice in men is dire, and I'm thankful that she didn't bring anyone into my life during those years like the men she has ended up with since!

I think that's obviously very situational though as many blended families are wonderful and supportive, especially if a child doesn't have close ties to their other parent/family. That said, I'm happily married, but having small children is exhausting, and if I was single, I could not be asked with dating if I had a rare night off.

@shipwreckedonhighseas
Why should being in a relationship automatically imply that a random man has a stake in your child 's life? And why the assumption that you'd love this man equally as you do your child?

I'm like this, I think what I'd ideally like is a boyfriend. More than FWB because I think too many men just thinks this is purely sex. Its not, I want the friend part too.

Yes me. I took the decision after a horrendous divorce that hurt me deeply. Son with additional needs, he certainly doesn't need any more disruption. I just can't face it again. It's sad, it's not how I thought my life would pan out. I've been single for 9 years now.

I was a lone parent to DC1 for 7 years before I met my husband-to-be.
In those 7 years, the two times I dipped my toe in the dating waters were so disastrous, so draining, and emotionally destructive, that I very quickly threw in the FTS towel. God, I was a happier woman for it. People can be absolute arseholes and when you're vulnerable and trying to just be a decent, loving parent, bringing stability and income into a stretched household where a child is totally dependent on one parent (didn't have any help from DC1's dad), there is simply no room for the turmoil that careless people bring.

When I met my husband-to-be, I was a bit worried because I'd found so much inner strength. I was in a very stable place and I was feeling great about life. But we married and went on to have children. But the marriage, ten years later, ended in divorce and it was a very bad marriage. My husband sexually abused our daughter (his own bio daughter). So, that has been a clusterfuck I will never really be able to unpack. He was also horrible to his stepson, my own DS. And no, when I met and married him, I could never, ever, ever have predicted any of this, tbh.

I think I'm just meant to have children but no partner/boyfriend. FWB? No fucking way. Too messy. And that is absolutely fine by me. Sorry if this is too negheady for you, OP. There are amazing people out there who are willing to give and receive love. May you find that person when you are ready.

I just want to add, my lone parent friends who waited until their children were teens to dive back into love have ALL found deep, meaningful love. They've really found loving partners and gone on to have more children, while their older child/children are totally sound and stable. I think the fact that those first children didn't have the complexities and resentment from step-parents to deal with throughout their childhood was the making of them. Step-parents have too many expectations. They come in waving the 'I will love your child like my own' BS and it's not possible to do that. I remember telling my husband, "I don't expect you to love my DS like your own. That pressure from me is non-existent. I do, however, expect you to be nice to him and stop resenting him for breathing the same air as you." Yeah, I wouldn't ever remarry now. My youngest is 8 and I'd never, ever, ever want my kids to have to deal with an adult in the house who resents them and eats their food and uses their mum for sex. Nope!
I'm also 50 and it's much easier at 50 to slam the door on relationships than it is when you're 30 or 40. When I feel lonely, I fantasise about my postie, who's verging on retirement. That's good enough for me. 😁

IMO each to their own. As long as the dating situation is safe, child or not, do whatever feels best.
Personally, I'm a few months out of a very long, abusive relationship. My only relationship. I've one DC3, I work part time. I don't have the time or energy or finances to commit to even casual dating. I don't want casual either, I need to trust someone completely, that will take a lot of time, given my history.
I've found myself almost content, lonely sometimes I admit, but I'm free to do what I want when I want. Boring things like watching what I want on TV, choosing my own meals etc
I can't see me being happy to share my home again and I'm not sure many men would be happy to be in a long term, committed relationship but never live together or marry.