Deciding not to date while raising a young child

[Goatbilly]

Has anyone decided (given up) on trying to date while raising a young child on their own?

I've recently dipped my toes back into OLD, and apart from the usual, expected online dating behaviour of flakiness, ghosting etc. I find the whole thing so utterly unappealing. I can barely fathom an interest to keep the chats going (again tedious, repetitive) never mind trying to 'date' some of these men and moreover to try and imagine them in my DC's life ? The thought of upheaval to my DC and getting it 'wrong' fills me with dread. I'm not looking for a father figure or anything like that, just someone for 'me'. One man even said how no man would want to be on the periphery of my DC's life if the relationship is to be serious?! I can't believe some of the entitlement around how they perceive their own 'role' in this. The one who made this claim didn't have own child/ren. It is perfectly acceptable for the man not to have a 'role' in any way, I know this but was just astounded to their arrogance.

How does anyone feel confident in dating?

I've come off OLD as I can't see the point; I'm just too protective (sensible?) in wanting to carry on the search. Does anyone feel the same and has given up effectively (until the children are older and it's less of an issue?)

OLD is shite. I'd rather be single!!! if it happens some other way then great. If not... no worries. OLD really feels like scraping the barrel. The men are awful.

I know a single parent who was so desperate to be out of the difficult situation she was in and has ended up with a very dodgy character, on the other hand another acquaintance met a very decent man when her child was young and is still with him.
Also, those blended family situations can be great or very complicated.
However once your children are older and you have managed to get through it (with or without a fling here and there) you will be completely free with no one that you might feel obligated towards.

My children were 5 and 1 when I become single due to my relationship breakdown. I decided not to date until my youngest was 16.
We had some amazing times, it was such fun! When my youngest turned 16, I started dating and am now married.

Focusing on my kids for those 16 years was the best thing I’ve ever done. We have an amazing bond now, the 3 of us.

I have absolutely no plans to date. My DD is 6 & I am fully committed to concentrating on bringing her up. I literally don’t have time/energy to date either. I have only been split up 1 year.

I’ve seen so many women panic to get in a relationship with young children, next thing they move in, the child gets used to the new man & then they either split or are unhappy. It can’t be good for the children. The ones I know where it’s worked have kept separate lives/houses. Of course this is just my experience.

I am planning to find a companion in my old age when I’ve brought my DD up!🤣

If you don't want to date then that's all you need to know. Some people manage to date and have small children, some would rather not, or find it logistically hard. Neither is 'wrong', just what suits you and your circumstances best.

You need to do what's right for you. There's no right or wrong answer. Because they are a single parent, women shouldn't have to be celibate but if they choose to be that's fine too.

What is important is you protect yourself and your dc - this could mean only casually dating, a more fwb set up or finding the perfect dp but doing due diligence first.

Mine are older but we blended fine, two dc live with us (one a piece) 2 live independently

Waited till my youngest was 12 to even consider it again. Was worth the long wait in the end though :)

zonky
Don't be ridiculous. Nothing said anything about having a stake or loving equal amounts. You don't seem to understand some basic concepts

I have absolutely no plans to date. My DD is 6 & I am fully committed to concentrating on bringing her up.

Nice bit of judgement there on the commitment of anyone who dares to have a boyfriend and a six year old simultaneously.

I've been a single parent for over 10 years. I tried OLD when DD was younger but as she didn't see her dad regularly it was too difficult to coordinate (I had no support and couldn't afford babysitters).

The men I did meet via OLD weren't great either. I found that my precious down time was being filled with time wasters and disappointment. So I stopped with that and enjoyed seeing my female friends instead. And that's how it's been for the last decade.

I didn't want a blended family (still don't) but it would be nice to have some male company when DD is with her dad. But as I don't do OLD it never happens.

People are agog that I'm not in a relationship. And I must admit I do wonder how people in similar situations to me seem to settle down into a blended family so easily. And quickly! I know women who have married and divorced twice while I've been single.

I'm not lonely. I adore my DD. She'll be gone to university in a few years so I can't really see the point in rocking the boat now.

Besides, surely by then all the eligible divorcees will be available 🤣

How old is your child? I split from DD's father when she was 2, I have very casually dated over the years but that was it. She is now almost 9 and i have met someone great, its very early days and he works long hours so I just see him when DD is with her father. Its a really nice situation and we really look forward to seeing each other. Its lovely to have someone call me and be really interested in my day and we laugh a lot. This is really new for me though.

Watching with interest...

I'm a solo parent by choice (had my DC using a sperm donor) so there was never a partner on the scene, but I often think about how I would go about dating (when in reality I'm with my DC 24/7 while at work and they're in nursery). I'm also early 40s so if I were to wait to date until DC is a teen I'd be in my early 50s, would it much harder? Then I remind myself that when I was single, childfree and had a lot of free/empty time, I still didn't meet anyone suitable (never mind someone who wanted to settle down which prompted me to go solo)....

I had tried OLD in my mid 30s and it was discouraging, depressing and a waste of time. Maybe I got unlucky? Either way there's hardly a queue of eligible men elsewhere either so I've now accepted that it is highly probable that I will end up single for a while.

I'm also very wary about blending families or the men who want to be "dad". I'm not looking for that either, I don't want that much entanglement when I'm very happy with my DC and our set up, but realistically it would be very difficult to date with such limited time. I think a one of the pp mentioned wanting a boyfriend without all the escalations such as cohabitating/marriage/more children. Also I'm wary of FWB, it sounds exhausting and not particularly emotionally rewarding as it'd probably just end up being a sexual dynamic with not much substance.

What I did notice in my brief foray into OLD is when I mentioned to the few man I'd been chatting that I'm not looking to escalate they immediately for defensive as if they're the ones who get to control the narrative ie.single/solo mum looking for a daddy for her DC when in reality I'd like some male company, friendship, emotional and physical intimacy but without the trappings of all the things I'd craved for when I was childfree. Most of the men then weren't really offering anything substantial other than a glorified Fwb, you can't win!

Every age of dating is tricky
it never stops

I think there are other dads or men that also seek a meaningful connection

and it’s possible to have something less committed but genuine

and as a single mum I want to one day find that guy

but childcare and their baggage add a certain nuance

so maybe old isn’t for you right now
but I don’t to give up on love either
in whatever form it takes

I'm an older solo mum (through adoption).

Spare time is so precious, I'd rather have the occasional free evening (when I mean occasional, I'm talking once or twice a year) with my lovely friends.

I don't meet any single men my age through work or my child hobbies so it would be OLD which is such a gamble and exhausting (I've tried it before adopting).
It couldn't be less appealing.

So I've hung up my boots. I've tried FWB before and ended up with an STI and a feeling it was all a waste of time as the 'friends' but was just to keep me sweet and my legs open to him!

I'm so surprised I've ended up single, like most of us I'm sure I was fighting them off with a stick when I was young and seemed surrounded by pleasant good looking men, where the fuck are they now?

But I'm very happy in my own company after I get LO to bed, my days of adventures, nice restaurants and fun nights out are gone possibly for good, but I know I made the right decision for me (and LO) because we are the family I always wanted.
It's much easier as a feminist women to be single, I've never met a man who doesn't ultimately have you playing second fiddle in the relationship, and that's never made me feel loved or happy.

I date people but it doesnt affect my children in any way. I either see them during the day whilst my children are at school or occasionally on a weekend on a night out whilst my children are with a babysitter

I have no plans on ever introducing anyone to my children, ever having "family days" or ever living with a man ever again. It works well for me and I wouldnt change it

@AlwaysChangingNames123 how do you meet the people you date?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

I havnt met anyone new in a long time to be fair. I've been dating the men I know for 12 months, 7 months and 6 months. I met two from different activity/hobbies we all go to and another through a friend of a friend

I have a look at online dating every now and then but I'm always worried I'll get murdered off someone from there 😂

I have two young kids and have managed to find someone nice on OLD. I was upfront that I have kids, don’t want more and don’t want to live with someone for quite a while. We are in a supportive relationship but I enjoy keeping things separate and seeing him on the nights/days I don’t have the kids. I think it works because we both have our own lives and interests but also still manage to meet up a few times a week.

I’ve done it - 7 years in, very happy, celibate, invested in good vibrators, my friendships, myself, my education and career.

I’ve had a lot of “oh poor you, nobody should be permanently single at your age” sort of attitude (I was 29 when I made that decision), but as someone who was fucking scarred by the second and third spouses of both my parents, and my parents attitudes of “kids grow up and leave, I want a partner” (who the fuck says that to a 6 year old after witnessing the latest partner scream at them for fuck all?!) it will be a cold day in Hell before I risk that around my own children.

And as for OLD - no thanks, it’s a dumpster fire of the worst types of men, and meeting up with random men either via OLD or because it’s someone I’ve met in passing somewhere, is so bloody dangerous and I have children who rely on me. I can’t dick around risking my life like that.

Yes, I made the decision not to whilst dc are young but there are also additional needs to consider, so this has further contributed to the decision

Been single 10 years and don’t regret it at all. If it happens eventually great, if it doesn’t I’m comfortable with that idea also.

I’ve been single since I got divorced when my DD was 6. I tried dating for a bit but realised I wanted to just focus on raising dd and her being settled. She’s now 14 and I’m so so glad that I just focused all my energy on her - she’s always out with friends now and I’m glad I didn’t miss a minute more than I had to of her being little!

Thats not to say you can’t balance a relationship with having kids, I just knew it wouldn’t work for me. I’ve gone through phases but at the moment I have no intention of being in a relationship again. Of course that might change one day when DD leaves home but I know I could never live with anyone again, that’s a deal breaker!

I think it's completely ok not to date - for any reason. Whether it's because you want to focus on raising your children, because you're studying or focusing on your career, because you just want to fly solo, or for any other reason.

Dating takes up a lot of time, headspace, money and energy, so it's not surprising you feel like you can't be bothered with it. Online dating is also a total mess these days, in my experience. It's become like an Amazon Prime for hookups/marriage - people expect to be able to order instant gratification/relationship. You also often see the same profiles on there from one year to the next, which suggests that it really isn't all that effective in helping anyone to find someone.

I've been single for 5 years - since my early 30s. At first it was completely by choice - I'd never been single before and found it SO liberating to just be able to focus on myself and my own life. Then the pandemic, and I was sooo happy not to date through that and have the excuse to not "get back out there" 😂I've been on apps, and dates, over the last year, but then honestly just stopped because I find my daily life more satisfying than anything I've ever found on an app. The people I meet either live too far away, we're on completely different pages in values/finances, or our lifestyles just don't mesh. So now I think it will either happen or not, and I'm happy either way.

Do what makes you happy. If what you want right now, or even forever, is to focus on yourself, your child, etc., then do exactly that! You don't have to force anything. It's your life and you get to choose what you want to pursue.

@dustofneptune 🙌🙌 wish some of the ladies who tolerate shite behaviour for fear of being alone would read your post.

I split from an arse in april and personally haven't bothered with old. I have walked around wishing I could meet someone and feeling absolutely blank about where! I started talking to what I thought was a cute guy on fb and turned out he has no teeth and looks like a gummy old man! So I'm slowly trying to discourage him.

I kinda feel happy in my own company the last week or so..almost like men are overated and I can't be arsed with meeting online. They always look different up close or hide addictions or are possible serial cheats and narcissists. It just isn't worth it.

My kids are 7 and 4 and I don't want to introduce anyone into their lives right now