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Original poster

I let my wife kiss my best friend and still can't get over it

137 replies

mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 13:00

It's a long story and something that's stayed with me for over 10 years. I want opinions on if this can be cheating...

In 2010, I went to a nightclub with my wife and best friend. We were all tipsy as we arrived but not blind drunk; we all knew what we were doing and could chat and dance perfectly fine.

About an hour in, my wife and friend went to buy drinks at the bar. It was busy so I wasn't surprised it took them a while to return but did wonder if they'd got chatting and didn't return as quick as they could. Anyway, I noticed how much wife was flirtatiously dancing around my friend and knew she still fancied him (when we first met, she said he was a good looking guy), but I trusted my wife and seen her like that with both sexes over the years prior so it didn't really bother me. We then go outside for a break and my wife looks at my friend and says "Go on then, ask." He was sheepish but said "Can we kiss?" I was a bit shocked but, being drunk, I was indifferent to it and hadn't really given thought about the consequences. I said casually something like "Go on then."

I watch my wife and friend kiss on the lips for less than a second. I was expecting more seeing as they made a big deal over it and reactively said "Is that it? Come on use tongues!"

So I then watch 5 to 10 seconds of kissing with tongues, my wife turning her head as they kiss, fully committed. I initially get turned on but then reality kicks in so I said "OK. OK. OK. Enough now. STOP." A second or two later and they do. My friend looks at her and goes "Ooh" as if to say he really enjoyed that. My wife blurts out "My f*nny twitched. And I could feel your erection on my thigh as we kissed." These words from my wife actually hurt me. And I showed my annoyance.

I walked away and she followed sheepishly and tried to reason with me and apologise (I think). It took me a good hour or so to come to terms with it but let the night continue til 6am where we'd danced a lot and were in good spirits. My mate had disappeared for a couple of hours after what happened as he obviously felt guilty and in harms way.

Despite my clear annoyance or uncomfortable stance earlier in the night, my wife obviously wanted my friend to be with us and said "You're coming home with us." I should have said a firm no, straight away but I didn't. I needed to think it through while walking to the train. The reason I hesitated was maybe I should let it play out to test my wife's committed to our marriage (she never showed any signs of straying before). When I saw my wife rest her head on my friends shoulders on the underground station while waiting for a train, I knew my feelings and sobered up completely so I said "P, sorry but you can't come home with us." He was totally fine, acknowledged it with a gesture and didn't say anything.

After all these years, I have moments where this tears me up. I've had reassurances from my wife in the past but I have suspicions something more might have happened in the blur of that night.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 14:10

It seems most think my post is a work of fiction. I can see why. Fine.

People don't believe a woman can use a certain turn of phrase - fine - but I heard it.

Maybe the erection on thigh was fiction - maybe I misremembered it or it's become more than was said over the years, like a Chinese whisper. Fine, I'll take that bit back.

Thanks to a few who offered their thoughts. My conclusion is my wife did nothing wrong per se. I encouraged most of it. And I should have got over this a long time ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 14:12

waterlego · 26/09/2022 14:09

You’ve been giving this headspace for TWELVE YEARS?

And now an MNer has suggested you let it go and this seems to be some sort of lightbulb moment for you?

Show quote history

I've never spoken to anyone about it. Never seen opinions other than my own.

OP posts:
GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 26/09/2022 14:18

Troll hunters abound here, on some threads they sound more like troll themselves.

Don't take it personally.

Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 14:26

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 26/09/2022 14:18

Troll hunters abound here, on some threads they sound more like troll themselves.

Don't take it personally.

I'll try not to take it personally.

I wasn't ready for the vitriol and closed-mindedness. I suppose that's humanity for you. Their own life and experiences stamped on everyone else. I don't know, for example, if those who object to a girl saying "my fanny twitched" are from outside the UK. Maybe it's lost in translation as Americans call their backside a fanny in slang. But that's beside the point.

OP posts:
waterlego · 26/09/2022 14:47

I don't know, for example, if those who object to a girl saying "my fanny twitched" are from outside the UK.

I think that’s unlikely. The word fanny gets used a fair bit on MN. It’s just that some posters struggled to imagine a woman using that particular phrase, that’s all.

Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 14:57

waterlego · 26/09/2022 14:47

I don't know, for example, if those who object to a girl saying "my fanny twitched" are from outside the UK.

I think that’s unlikely. The word fanny gets used a fair bit on MN. It’s just that some posters struggled to imagine a woman using that particular phrase, that’s all.

Fair enough. I just took exception to a few people ruling out a woman may say that. Especially in recent years with all that goes on with gender - it's not black and white. Some woman do act or talk like a man. My wife grew up in a make dominated family and worked in a pub from 14. She's never gravitated towards women unless they are like minded and would happily drink, smoke and swear with all the young male regulars. That must influence behaviour and language.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 14:58

*male dominated

OP posts:
Octomore · 26/09/2022 15:00

It's not just the phrase, it's the phrase coupled with that scenario.

Might a woman say that in a joky way when chatting with her girlfriends? Yes, possibly.

Would she say it if she was attempting to seduce her DH's best friend, with a view to a threesome (which is where your scenario ends up going)? No.

Octomore · 26/09/2022 15:01

Some woman do act or talk like a man.

And yet she's also super flirty according to your OP. Which is it?

Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 15:21

Octomore · 26/09/2022 15:01

Some woman do act or talk like a man.

And yet she's also super flirty according to your OP. Which is it?

So you can only be flirty if you are a stereotypical woman? Wow.

So I, a man, has never flirted with women? OK....

OP posts:
waterlego · 26/09/2022 15:21

@mrsheltere, lots of MNers don’t take much notice of gender stereotypes. There are loads of drinkers and swearers on these boards! As a PP pointed out, the phrase ‘fanny gallops’ has oft been used here. As in: ‘I really fancy so-and-so he gives me the fanny gallops’.

Very few posters here will be surprised by women swearing, drinking, being coarse or having sexual desires.

Please bear in mind though that we sometimes get some odd posters here. We get the odd one who’s testing out their creative/erotic writing, and we also get occasional perves posting with the intention of getting posters to talk dirty so they can get off on it.

That’s probably what’s behind some of the replies you’ve had. Don’t take it personally; many MNers are some of the funniest and wisest women you’ll find anywhere, but they also have low tolerance for bullshit and nonsense.

Anyway, glad you found an answer to your quandary and can now put the incident in the past where it belongs and move on with your life!

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 26/09/2022 15:22

Octomore · 26/09/2022 15:00

It's not just the phrase, it's the phrase coupled with that scenario.

Might a woman say that in a joky way when chatting with her girlfriends? Yes, possibly.

Would she say it if she was attempting to seduce her DH's best friend, with a view to a threesome (which is where your scenario ends up going)? No.

According to you.

To others, there's nothing strange about the incident.

Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 15:22

Octomore · 26/09/2022 15:00

It's not just the phrase, it's the phrase coupled with that scenario.

Might a woman say that in a joky way when chatting with her girlfriends? Yes, possibly.

Would she say it if she was attempting to seduce her DH's best friend, with a view to a threesome (which is where your scenario ends up going)? No.

She was drunk. She blurted out something I'm sure she later realised she shouldn't. 🤷🏻‍♂️

OP posts:
TheHideAndSeekingHill · 26/09/2022 15:24

They tested the waters by asking and then doing the very short kiss. You egged them on to have a proper snog, and now 12 years later you're still being a big baby about it! The thing you asked them to do!

Obviously it'd be better if they hadn't asked and the whole thing hadn't happened, maybe even if you didn't know your wife finds your friend attractive. But you did and by the sound of it you like that she's so outspoken. You were all drunk and it was so long ago it was probably while Gordon Brown was still Prime Minister fgs.

Do you think anything is going on between them? If not - do everyone a favour and realise you've been an idiot to dwell on this.

Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 15:25

waterlego · 26/09/2022 15:21

@mrsheltere, lots of MNers don’t take much notice of gender stereotypes. There are loads of drinkers and swearers on these boards! As a PP pointed out, the phrase ‘fanny gallops’ has oft been used here. As in: ‘I really fancy so-and-so he gives me the fanny gallops’.

Very few posters here will be surprised by women swearing, drinking, being coarse or having sexual desires.

Please bear in mind though that we sometimes get some odd posters here. We get the odd one who’s testing out their creative/erotic writing, and we also get occasional perves posting with the intention of getting posters to talk dirty so they can get off on it.

That’s probably what’s behind some of the replies you’ve had. Don’t take it personally; many MNers are some of the funniest and wisest women you’ll find anywhere, but they also have low tolerance for bullshit and nonsense.

Anyway, glad you found an answer to your quandary and can now put the incident in the past where it belongs and move on with your life!

I've never heard that expression fanny gallops but if I were to mention that to my wife I'm sure she'd lol. 😆

Believe me, if I were into erotic writing or trying to get off on a story, I'd not have written such a lame story... I'd at least have got as far as them having a cheeky fuck in the club toilets! 😉🤭😆

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 26/09/2022 15:29

waterlego · 26/09/2022 14:47

I don't know, for example, if those who object to a girl saying "my fanny twitched" are from outside the UK.

I think that’s unlikely. The word fanny gets used a fair bit on MN. It’s just that some posters struggled to imagine a woman using that particular phrase, that’s all.

This. I've been on MN for a few years and learned this ages ago.

And when I'd raise it again she would say Oh not that again!

Assuming this is something that actually happened, you really need to let it go. It's beyond irrelevant at this point. Your obsession over what happened is damaging your relationship.

Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 15:31

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 26/09/2022 15:24

They tested the waters by asking and then doing the very short kiss. You egged them on to have a proper snog, and now 12 years later you're still being a big baby about it! The thing you asked them to do!

Obviously it'd be better if they hadn't asked and the whole thing hadn't happened, maybe even if you didn't know your wife finds your friend attractive. But you did and by the sound of it you like that she's so outspoken. You were all drunk and it was so long ago it was probably while Gordon Brown was still Prime Minister fgs.

Do you think anything is going on between them? If not - do everyone a favour and realise you've been an idiot to dwell on this.

I can't argue with anything you wrote.

I'm a fool for dwelling on it. I'm clearly insecure. Probably stems from her having a more colourful sex life than me before we met.

There's nothing going on but accept there might be some attraction between them. She'd never want to be with him (as a partner) that's for sure.

I am sorry if this post annoyed a few of you but it's therapeutic to have written it down and had a critique of my actions.

Thanks

OP posts:
Octomore · 26/09/2022 15:36

lots of MNers don’t take much notice of gender stereotypes. There are loads of drinkers and swearers on these boards! As a PP pointed out, the phrase ‘fanny gallops’ has oft been used here. As in: ‘I really fancy so-and-so he gives me the fanny gallops’. Very few posters here will be surprised by women swearing, drinking, being coarse or having sexual desires.

Precisely. The average MNer would not describe such a woman (sweary, drinks, sexually active) as "acting like a man", because those aren't male traits, they're just nonsense stereotypes.

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 26/09/2022 15:42

@mrsheltere

I think the reason it bothers you so many years on is because as a couple you've never properly addressed it and even though you consented, it feels like a betrayal to you.

When couples open up their relationship, it's done with a great deal of sensitive discussion and agreement as to boundaries etc. You had no such preliminary talk. In fact, when you were drunk you were put on the spot by two people you trusted deeply and I think an element of peer pressure was at play here.

So, there's a sense of betrayal - of transgression - as well as the conflicting feelings of being part of it because when put on the spot, you said OK,therefore feeling party to your own betrayal.

I also believe if this were a thread about a husband putting his wife in this situation, the responses would have been wildly different!

Personally, I don't think it was OK to put you in this position and I certainly don't think its been OK to shut down any type of discussion you've tried to have since.

Let me tell you this, op: its OK to not be ok about what happened. Its OK to feel bothered about it even though it happened years ago.

There are unresolved feelings relating to the security you feel in your relationship and these shouldn't be dismissed, by you or anyone else, which is why I think you need to have an honest talk with your wife. If it's unsuccessful, because she's not willing to engage or because you end up rowing, then I think you'd benefit from seeing a couples counsellor in the short term to help you both navigate your conflicting feelings and make peace with it.

I'm sure part of the reason for her unwillingness to discuss it is down to fear that she'll be blamed for cheating, but this is a complicated scenario and you need to be able to talk about transgressed boundaries and regret, or feeling pressured or whatever without apportioning blame.

I don't think simply telling you to get over it, let it go will work and I don't think its right. Your feelings are valid and they deserve to be taken seriously.

Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 16:17

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 26/09/2022 15:42

@mrsheltere

I think the reason it bothers you so many years on is because as a couple you've never properly addressed it and even though you consented, it feels like a betrayal to you.

When couples open up their relationship, it's done with a great deal of sensitive discussion and agreement as to boundaries etc. You had no such preliminary talk. In fact, when you were drunk you were put on the spot by two people you trusted deeply and I think an element of peer pressure was at play here.

So, there's a sense of betrayal - of transgression - as well as the conflicting feelings of being part of it because when put on the spot, you said OK,therefore feeling party to your own betrayal.

I also believe if this were a thread about a husband putting his wife in this situation, the responses would have been wildly different!

Personally, I don't think it was OK to put you in this position and I certainly don't think its been OK to shut down any type of discussion you've tried to have since.

Let me tell you this, op: its OK to not be ok about what happened. Its OK to feel bothered about it even though it happened years ago.

There are unresolved feelings relating to the security you feel in your relationship and these shouldn't be dismissed, by you or anyone else, which is why I think you need to have an honest talk with your wife. If it's unsuccessful, because she's not willing to engage or because you end up rowing, then I think you'd benefit from seeing a couples counsellor in the short term to help you both navigate your conflicting feelings and make peace with it.

I'm sure part of the reason for her unwillingness to discuss it is down to fear that she'll be blamed for cheating, but this is a complicated scenario and you need to be able to talk about transgressed boundaries and regret, or feeling pressured or whatever without apportioning blame.

I don't think simply telling you to get over it, let it go will work and I don't think its right. Your feelings are valid and they deserve to be taken seriously.

Thank you so much for that thoughtful and caring message! 🥰👏🏻

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 26/09/2022 18:18

This reply has been deleted

This post has been removed as it's really not in the spirit of the site.

GobbolinoTheWitchesCat · 26/09/2022 18:27

Ignore the troll

Apparently @Catlover1970 is a nasty piece of work

MinimumMadness · 26/09/2022 18:37

Not in the spirit? If OPs story is true, the comment by @Catlover1970 could actually be true too and should be considered. 👀

Original poster
mrsheltere · 26/09/2022 18:49

Someone feel free to give me the gist of what was said but in the spirit of MN. I'm too inquisitive and curious to let it go! 😆

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 26/09/2022 18:50

Oooh! My report button twitched!