As a somebody who’s parent had an affair…

[TroublesComing32]

I read a post in here that contained a letter written by a child to their parent who’d had an affair. It was taken down, because it was too outing I think, but it really resonated with me. You could hear the child’s (who is now an adult’s) pain and I just wanted to say if they happen to be reading this, I feel the same. While I don’t want to be victim I think it’s shaped me and the person I am today. It rocked my foundation, left me feeling like I didn’t matter. I struggle to trust anyone and those feelings have never left me and it’s been over 20 years since it all came out. Worse still my parents stayed together so however I feel, we all just play happy families.

I’ve thought about it a lot since I had my own kids, my marriage isn’t always easy but I could never, ever put my husband or kids through that kind of pain. Don’t really know why I’m posting this, I suppose I’m looking for empathy or maybe for somebody to tell me to get over myself, any thoughts anyone?

There’s always two sides to every story. Sometimes a parent can only sacrifice their life so much for so long before they just explode and something like this happens. Unfortunately not everything is black and white

Do you wish you’d not known about it?

So sorry you experienced that. I’m sure what the pp said is true because life is never black and white but it doesn’t negate your pain which is also valid. People do shitty things every day that cause others trauma but one of the key things that is often compounds things in these types situations from the people involved is an inability to validate the suffering caused to others by their actions. Often that is all that others are looking for to move past even the most difficult of experiences. It is difficult.

I’ve never really thought about it but yes, maybe if I hadn’t known about it that would have been better.

The aftermath would be difficult to deal with. This struck me
“struggle to trust anyone and those feelings have never left me and it’s been over 20 years since it all came out.”

Have you tried therapy to come to terms with it? The underlying feelings you experienced with having to play happy families must have felt disconcerting. Almost gas lighting.

@TroublesComing32 I understand what you're saying. My dad had an affair & my parents divorced. I blame it for a life filled with depression & anxiety, for knowing that any day what I thought was safe & secure could be taken away so I never feel safe & secure, for knowing that the ground can shift under your feet & there's no getting it back. My brother has never had a ltr, he says he can't fully trust anyone & when he starts to get close to someone he pulls back.

@TroublesComing32

I am so sorry about your experience. I am in the same situation. It has been 20 years since I found out and even though they stayed together (the affair never surfaced) and we get along pretty well, I remember I was quite troubled after finding out. My whole world shattered.
It's never easy when it's our parents because we suddenly think that everything is a lie. Over the years I realized that the lies and the issues were between them, but still my hearts breaks for both of them.

@MissMarplesNiece People have affairs every day. Marriages break up. People aren’t perfect, far from it.

my parents split up. Looking back I know now that mum started a relationship with my stepfather while she was still married. She loved us, she did her best. Dad loved us too. They never trash talked each other, though both of them probably felt like it at times. It’s just life. You only live it once. Why should it be with someone you don’t want to be with?

If you’re not over it, or you can never trust anyone, or you can’t have a relationship because ‘trauma’, then get help, counselling, whatever. It’s available.

Would you have preferred they stay together, unhappy, for you? Or split as soon as you left home, leaving you with the knowledge that they stayed together, unhappily, for you?

it was traumatic for me, at the time. Maybe one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me. And that means I’ve had a pretty good life, if that was the worst bit. A great life, in fact. Better than most.

I read that post too, with the letter from the son (not sure if it was real or not) and what really struck me was that the son said that he and his mum came as a “package” and he didn’t accept that his dad could leave his mum and then have a relationship with him. I thought that was really controlling and unreasonable - trying to dictate who his father was in a relationship with and basing his relationship with his father on that.
I felt he had every right to be upset but no right to demand his father stayed unhappily with his mother.

You’ve apparently ended up as someone who is happy to minimise someone else’s pain, @W0tnow. Not a great attribute.

My dad was unfaithful. Caused my parents to divorce I was 4. I remember visiting and staying Owen Dad and this woman who was kind to me. Mum remarried I was a teen and step dad was wonderful.
I have a relationship issues, I always expected bfs to leave, but I’d do anything to keep them.. with my 49 year old head on I think wtf.
I would let them do whatever it took to keep them from leaving, I was clingy, I was needy, I let them do whatever (sex wise), they ruled me. I drank far too much to hide the fact I hated myself for letting them treat me so terribly.
In the end all that happened was they still left and my MH was so bad for years.

I’ve not dated since before my DD was born she’s 13 years old now.

we shape our kids lives positive and negative

I’m sorry for your struggles.

My mum had an affair. Even at 13 I could see why and sympathised with her when my parents divorced - which was her decision and she didn’t end up with the other man - and I still do. I’m married, a mum and a step mum, no affairs in this generation, but I never judged my mum and the divorce was the best thing that happened for our whole family, it was much better than the sniping and silence that preceded it.

I have a huge amount of respect for my mum, she’s not perfect but she tried to be a good wife to a terrible husband and she’s an exceptional mother. Only once they divorced did my dad step up and get to know his children and he and mum get on very well as friends and have done for decades. They just sucked at marriage to each other.

Op, absolutely feel you. My mother had an affair. It absolutely screwed me up.

And to the people above asking whether an unhappy relationship would have been a better solution, and all that kaboodle, no obviously not. However an overlap in relationships also is not the solution. If someone is unhappy in their relationship, then leave or stay. That is absolutely every individuals right. Just don't stay and shag someone else at the same time...

My father had affairs. Never admitted to them. He is a textbook grandiose narcissist and they were to a large degree about supply as well as providing a beard for him as it's since turned out that he is gay or at least bi.
He kind of conducted them in plain sight.
They are still around to varying degrees - the two women and his male friend. That's who I know about but I'm expecting more stuff to come out after he dies (some other stuff came out recently about a man - all denied of course).
Mother and him are still together trapped in a toxic co-dependent relationship.
She still mentions the one woman in particular fairly frequently and is also full of loathing for anyone in the public eye who has had an affair.
Neither my sibling or I is in a ltr.
What is it that Philip Larkin said in his poem?

I don't think anyone can ever say it is something that would never ever happen to me. Life isn't black and white, things happen, people try to make everyone happy, make poor decisions in difficult circumstances etc etc

Do you really think you'd feel any better about things if the cheating parent had just left for AP rather than having an affair? Should they have just lived a life they were unhappy with?

I'm sure it's really hard to be that child, but it will have been really hard to be those adults too.

I was an adult when my father had an affair. It was found out and he left my mum for her. I don't have an issue with them splitting but if he was that unhappy he needed to leave before he started the affair. He was a gutless selfish prick and he didn't. He married affair woman and died an very sad unhappy man with many many regrets. New wife got the house though so someone won out of it.

I didn’t see it. But your words ring big, clunking bells.

You are by far from alone. Unfortunately that “children are resilient” thing still applies to now grown children. And adults aren’t required or expected to be resilient when temptation (or other feeling) is less that perfectly resisted.

I can give some hope though. I’m older than either of my parents were (when the affair and the divorce and the sitting in the rubble of our broken home happened) by a long shot. So I’m able to analyse who did what to whom with a more, benevolent perhaps, eye. Forgiveness really does set you free. But it takes its own sweet time to happen, it can’t be forced and yes time heals all wounds but fuck me people have done fewer years of hard labour for murder.

What has helped is watching my own step with an eye on what the outcomes could be for our boy. I’d rather the ghost of the girl I was paid for parental ignorance of potential outcomes than my boy. He’s in his 20s. We’ve done a decent job despite our limitation. Part of how we did a decent job was my early “vaccination” against the siren song of “children are resilient and need you the parent to be happy & maritally fulfilled to be happy themselves”.

Better me than him. My mum & dad didn’t know. But I do. And I think it has to be easier to be the parent of a child who hasn’t had that kind of hurt, than be the parent who died, or faded into dementia, still estranged from one or more of their children, not really understanding why.

It might not be Disney like hope I’ll admit. But as non sugar coated hope goes, I promise it’s worth the wait.

I absolutely agree with a PP who said the ground shifts under your feet and it's never the same...that's exactly how I've felt since I was 6 years old. I had to choose between going with my Mum (who was leaving for her AP) or staying with my Dad. My siblings stayed and I went so we now have a very fractured relationship and he's never been stable or settled since. I am married and have a very patient DH as despite huge amounts of therapy I still have the feeling that one day he will walk in from work and tell me he's leaving. It's affected my whole life and I never feel I can trust anyone, I am always waiting for them to leave me. I don't think if she had just left because she was unhappy it would have been anywhere near as damaging. I believe that when you have children they should come first and if you are unhappy then leave. It's the lies and deceit that causes all the pain and bitterness.

I found out due to lack of care and it was horrible. I told no one, there was no one to talk about it with. My younger sister still doesn’t know afaik.

My dad disappeared when I was 4 and I think I remember him, i remember thinking he would return anyway but he never did. I can't relate to anything you've said though as him leaving had no lasting damage on me, but I didn't want to read and run. Shocks me how some people are affected by affairs. Wishing you all the best.

I just want to say I understand OP. I was exposed to an awful lot of the gory detail as a child. It wasn't kept from me, I lived through some shit. My parents stayed together, which I was relieved about at the time, but now it makes me angry. They went to counselling and gradually rebuilt their relationship but I was expected just never to mention it again. It screwed me up a bit. I eventually opened up to my ex-DP about it, which helped a lot, but he lost all respect for my DF. I have never told my current DP about any of it because we have children and I don't want their grandparents seen in that light.

My parents hated each other. No affair but an abusive relationship. It has no doubt shaped me e.g. I hate conflict. I guess unless you are brought up in a household with good parental relationships it will impact you. I don't know if an affair is worse than staying together when clearly unhappy. Anyway totally understand how your parents impact your life now.

Agree with poster up above that it's the lies and deceit that's the worst.
But, in my case, just how very calculated and planned it all was. Properties bought presumably as shag pads that were only found out about by accident. How it was all conducted right under all of our noses.
Witnessing the destruction of another human being whose unhappiness has caused her to be more difficult to be around than otherwise might have been.
The re-writing of history by and utter delusion of my sibling.
It's hard to find anyone who understands. Even therapists.
They sure do f u up, your mum and dad.

This is a very interesting thread for me - my dad was unfaithful to my mum on numerous occasions and had a serious affair which eventually led to my parents’ marriage splitting up because my mum refused to tolerate any more infidelity and my dad refused to commit to remaining faithful. My mum had also been unfaithful but much less often.

It didn’t affect me the way you describe but I think it was much easier for me.

My parents had married very young (18 and 20) so I resolved not to do that myself. They got on reasonably well most of the time but would also argue pretty fiercely quite often so their relationship didn’t present as particularly contented and easy - unsurprising given how young they got together.

After the initial shock of the split, they were able to be friends and worked much better as friends. My mum also went on to meet the love of her life in her mid-50s. My dad never remarried (he didn’t want to be married to anyone but my mum) but the affair partner vanished off the scene and he has long since acquired a very nice lady friend.

This thread makes me realise how lucky I am that actually after the affair and the split my parents were able to be friends and everyone ended up in a good place.

I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you, OP.