As a somebody who’s parent had an affair…

[TroublesComing32]

I read a post in here that contained a letter written by a child to their parent who’d had an affair. It was taken down, because it was too outing I think, but it really resonated with me. You could hear the child’s (who is now an adult’s) pain and I just wanted to say if they happen to be reading this, I feel the same. While I don’t want to be victim I think it’s shaped me and the person I am today. It rocked my foundation, left me feeling like I didn’t matter. I struggle to trust anyone and those feelings have never left me and it’s been over 20 years since it all came out. Worse still my parents stayed together so however I feel, we all just play happy families.

I’ve thought about it a lot since I had my own kids, my marriage isn’t always easy but I could never, ever put my husband or kids through that kind of pain. Don’t really know why I’m posting this, I suppose I’m looking for empathy or maybe for somebody to tell me to get over myself, any thoughts anyone?

@Choconut I just don't think it's as simple as that. Every relationship is different. Of course it's selfish, but I think there are varying degrees of selfishness and it's not as cut and dry to tar every affair with the same brush. I certainly never felt like my dad had picked someone else over us, even at 16 when I was upset I didn't draw that conclusion. I was mostly outraged for my mum, then as I've grown I've understood that she wasn't a victim and that the situation was more nuanced.

Is it the affair that does the damage or the acrimony that comes in its wake and / or the divorce?

@ping78 I agree with you. My initial reaction was one of shock, and sorrow for my mother...but I also wasn't surprised, either. I do remember that first conversation when my mother told me, that I did tell her that I'd expected it (she was very shocked when I said that). It had been blindingly obvious to everyone for years that they weren't happily married...there was zero affection between them, and none shown to us, either.

I also found out in that first conversation that I'd been lied to my whole life about the beginning of their relationship...my so called perfect Catholic mother had in fact been living with my father and was 4 months pregnant when she married him and that she'd got married in a registry office, not church...and that she'd got pregnant less than 6 months after they met. Met at the beginning of the year, married and pregnant by the end of it. They'd even lied about my father's age, he was 5 years younger than my mother (they told us they were the same age). So total hypocrites, as well...

@Comtesse I think that's why I can look at this more rationally, because the divorce wasn't acrimonious, and my mum was able to be honest about her own shortcomings (in time). Their honesty has enabled me to ensure I have a much healthier marriage than they ever did.

@Windswept1 I find it hard to have any sympathy given that he behaved like a child putting his own interests above everyone else's - his decision entirely, he has to live with the consequences.

My dad had an affair all throughout my childhood my parents are still together. He also shagged around a lot. I understand totally how you feel op.

I felt betrayed as a child. And hurt that he hurt my mum. It made me feel.worthless to him. Like he didn't care that he ran the risk of loosing his family, I must of meant so little to him. Anyway he didn't loose her. But he's never had my respect .

A few months ago I was at my parents house, and was on dad's pc printing something off. The woman he had a long term (all my childhood teen years with) sent him.an email. It pinged on the screen as I was using his laptop.
To say my heart sank is an understatement. I really can't fully express how I felt. I'm not surprised they have remained in touch. But I was surprised by how much it still hurt me.

My childhood was such a dismal failure that my Dad's affair was just another saga in their shallow, self-obsessed relationship.

I wasn't particularly upset at the time but not realised many years later that was because I was beyond caring.

This is really interesting to me. My parents both had affairs and subsequently got divorced and I don’t think I was really massively bothered. I was a self absorbed teenager at the time, but it never occurred to me that the whole business had anything to do with me. They both love(d) me, just not each other. Even now, thinking about it in my 30’s, I don’t have any sort of particularly visceral reaction. I also don’t think it’s affected my adult relationships or ability to trust. My marriage is great.

My parents are great people who shouldn’t have ever got married, and are MUCH happier apart. The cheating was a part of that, but never struck me as a particularly important part.

Your feelings are of course perfectly valid. It’s just interesting how differently this has affected us (although I’m sure there are LOTS of additional elements that factor into this).

Can still picture my father’s hand on the other woman’s leg. He brought her to the house while we were all at home. My mother was so broken at that point she didn’t blink. Cognitive dissonance ☹️

My dad had an affair and left when I was very young. My childhood memories of him was him with whatever latest squeeze he had at the time and we'd play with her kids. Never saw him again from about the age of 9 until I was an adult.

I can't say it "screwed me up." I had a phase when I was a teen wanting to know him but I found my family on his side and rebuilt a relationship with them (as our mum moved us away and cut all contact.) My relationship with him now is the odd phone call.

As I've got older I've rationalised it alot and just realised adults are flawed human beings rather than these "perfect beings" we think they are/should be as children. If as an adult you haven't realised this then you need to talk things through with a therapist who can hopefully get you to come to terms with it.

You hit the nail on the head with this. We can experience our parents having affairs and feel so differently. There are many reasons for this.
Reading you felt loved by both parents and that they went on to happy lives separately is probably a major factor in your experience of it all.

Personally I have never felt loved by my parents, my family is completely dysfunctional. My father is an alcoholic and domestic violence was part and parcel of my life growing up. Loads of other shit too but cba to type. So all these factors have shaped me and the way I feel.

I think I can relate.
We went away for a weekend, dad sent mum out with us three to go shopping. Mum took us back to the hotel earlier than agreed between mum and dad. Well we only walked in on dad fucking a prozzie. Of course mum got a good hiding for that. My brother tells me how he had to drag me off my mums leg. I don't remember that bit.

I think many things affect us as kids. Affairs that come to life and cause distress to a parent, of course. But so are emotionally absent, or abusive parents…. Narcissistic parents… etc.
My father was an alcoholic, and who reacted violently to divorce, and continued for a few years. Then was an absent father. Then I had a step-father sprung on me as I was going through teenage years and it felt like I lost my mom then.

Yes, of course my specific background affected my relationships. More the earlier years. And then I had to do a lot of work on myself and figure out my issues. And take responsibility for my own well-being and my relationships.

@TroublesComing32 - if 20+ years on you are still dwelling on the past - and not even your own relationship past, but your parents’ - you really need to get some help. In a way its easier to blame the affair for all your issues, but it’s not really fair.

@Kurwa Your posts are heartbreaking. I’m so sorry that you had to experience all that. No child should.

@IMissVino 💜

Both my parents had affairs. It wasn't the affairs as such that affected me.

My dm used to recieve phone calls at home and at my dad's place of work. He had a working man's club and she would sometimes look after the bar. She would get me to answer the phone at home and the club and asked me not to tell my dad. She also took me on weekends away with her and her friends. On one of these she introduced me to the man and we all went for a drive in his car. She said if I told my dad they would split up so I didn't tell him. I was a 12/13 at the time.

They eventually split up when my dad's girlfriend knocked on thd door one night. I hadn't known about her at all.

My mum eventually told my dad she had had an affair also and that I knew. My dad was obviously very hurt but understood why I didn't say anything.

It was my mum's behaviour that impacted me even though they both cheated. I must add this was one of many questionable things that she has done.

I've been nc with my mum for just over a year now, for many reasons but as I had my own family and my eldest son got to the same age I was I found it harder and harder to understand what she did as I can't imagine ever putting my child in that position.

Well I guess I must concede we were both selfish to some extent if we put our needs, or desires, in some resemblance of priority. Is it possible to live a life where you never put your own needs or wishes first? Is it not best to just juggle needs as best you can? It is naive and unhealthy I would suggest, to expect any adult would never take an action that his child may find upsetting.

I accept that in making his decision, his children (and then wife) had to live by that, and in turn, he has to accept their reaction.

I do not see how him looking after his own needs/priorities makes him a child. I would suggest that is a deeply flawed view. Having an affair is morally wrong. However, children are not owed or entitled to a life where they are not confronted by moral wrongs. Nor can they expect exemplary parents. It is all a matter of proportionality.

My husband made clear to his children that he was wrong to have started our affair before he left their mother. He also made clear to them that he loved them dearly and his actions were in no way reflective of him loving them any less. he continued to ensure their needs were met financially and his door was, and remains open, to his eldest. It is hardly crime of the century is it.

@Windswept1

Do you have children of your own?

Yes, two, both in their 20s.