Should I warn her of abusive family member?

[ConcernedSIL]

My BIL is a very 'tricky character' as his mum would say, over the past 15 odd years he's gone through a string of relationships that have ended very poorly.

We have supported some of his ex's over the years and know that he has been emotionally and financially abusive. I personally believe he is purposefully targeting vulnerable women to fund his ongoing opioid addiction (the addiction is a fact - the targeting more of a grey area).

To the best of my knowledge he has never been physically abusive but has taken £1000s from each woman, forced them to sign expensive car leases, lend him money, moving into their house as a cocklodger etc. He has done this by destroying their confidence and through a web of lies (eg. he doesn't live with his elderly mum... she lives with him etc) as well as manipulating them (threatening suicide etc.).

As you can imagine we don't see eye to eye but we know all about his goings on through DHs mum and see him when our paths cross at her house. MIL loves him dearly and is terrified of losing him to either an OD or suicide, she believes he's any minute away from turning his life around.

Now to our current issue...

There's a new woman in his life. We've looked at her social media and for the first time there's young children involved (including a baby!). Me and DH have young children of a similar age and it looks to us like she's recently separated from her partner.

His classic 'take out loans to wine and dine and look wealthy' wooing technique is in full swing. He's asked us (DH, children, me and rest of family) out to dinner next week to meet her AND her children, the thought of sitting at a table and looking this woman in the eyes makes me feel sick.

Should someone warn her of the impending shit storm rolling into her and her children's lives? Or should I keep my nose out of other people's business? How would I even do it, DH would support either way but MIL would be furious if she found out we got involved.

Yes but is she going to have to police and warn all the poor women that fall in his life from now on? She’s going to be writing anonymous notes and following to the bathroom many women in the next decade. That’s a lot of work.

Anonymous message via SM then when you meet up for the meal give her your number and say how you’d love to meet up for coffee. You can then warn her again, using slightly different terminology so if she thinks it’s coming from two separate people she may take more notice.

Are your concerns about leaving him alone with your own children at a level where you think a call to social services or a safeguarding contact about potential risk to her children would be justified?

I warned my cousin about her husband, as did her siblings, that he was having an affair or affairs, who stole a lot of money etc.
She didn't listen.
Shot the messengers.
Eventually she saw sense and left.
He was jailed.
She later said she wished she had listened.
Luckily she had great family support and her children have grown up and want nothing to do with their Dad, they have changed their surnames.

I agree with PP who says tell the GF outright and own it. You may think MIL is lovely but they are all condoning BIL's behaviour by standing by and watching GF after GF fall victim to it. They all sound awful tbh.

If he was physically abusing them would it be any different?

Give her your number, try and befriend her, then tell her. She might choose not to believe you, and then it will get back to the MIL, but I’d tell her that I’m sorry but I will not stand back like her and do nothing when there are innocent children involved

He is obviously in the love bombing stage and I think she will cite any anonymous messages as being from a vindictive ex. If you tell her yourself then you risk not being able to help her in the future.

I would befriend her, invite her round for coffee/play date. I would watch and wait.

He is an abusive monster whose mother has enabled this behaviour. I bet he was/is the golden child.

I’d hope someone would tell me: please do.

Thank you for your messages, apologies for the disappearance it's been a busy family day!

I think I will probably go down the anonymous route with all the grisly details and also let her know in person that we're here if she's ever worried about anything with the hope that it rings double alarm bells.

It's such a terrible situation and we're LC with him but we are on good terms with all the rest of the family. If I blew it all out the water publicly and he carried through on one of his many suicide attempts it would destroy the whole family.

Thank you to everyone who weighed in xx

The thing is for her to believe you if you tip her off, you're going to have to do it with some tangible evidence and she doesn't know any of the exes he's destroyed. Probably better to get the exes to all contact her instead?

I was the woman who discovered I was living with a drug fuelled cocklodger. He destroyed me, it’s taken time to recover from the trauma of it all and it’s a long road ahead for me I know that. If someone had told me at the start what was going to happen, it would have saved me so much pain, and despair.
Addicts are master manipulators, they love bomb you, and make you feel like they are “the one”. Before you know it, your life as you knew it, is over. Violence, lies, cheating, they go missing and return in a vile and belligerent paranoid state of aggression.
You lose your mind, and end up thinking your the crazy one. It’s your worst nightmare times ten.

Please OP tell this woman what she’s dealing with, I can’t even put it into words the torture that I went through.

@Icepinkeskimo

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. Is there anything in particular that would have made you run for the hills? So many people on here have said that she probably won't listen or believe me which hadn't even occurred to me. I feel like I've only really got one shot at this.

@Sandra1984

This is an awful thought that hadn't even occurred to me. Am I going to be having to do this forever? Do abusers change and when can we know if they've changed? I guess it'll be a stock message I'll be sending out after the first few times.

Yes, confirmation of those nagging thoughts I had, but didn't know how they clicked together.

The first time he returned home, wild eyes, ohh the constant itching, loud and shouty, one minute happy the next snapping. I thought I knew about drugs and there effects but class A opiate addiction I did not have a clue.

If some had said to me ok this is what's going to happen, because he's done to to countless women before you.

He will target you purely based on the fact you have a roof over your head, so will move in with before you can even blink. He will come up with some story about being evicted in a couple of days time and could he "stay" with you? Ohh and sell it as a great thing.

OP write the entire story of how the chain of events the key points. Hand her the "script"

Addicts have a tried and tested pattern of finding women who are financially ok, own place, and "kind" it's like a piranha ripping a gold fish apart.

Love bomb and destroy them, and move onto the next.

I would also go through the path of mentioning stuff during the dinner that could be harmless but isn’t. Like others told you:
”oh, I’m so glad BIL found someone stable like you to finally find the courage to leave his opioid addiction! hope this time it sticks!” “Oh, MIL, you must be so pleased that he is moving out and that your only worry will be mortages going up and such, like it should have always been”

@Icepinkeskimo

Jesus H. Christ, is there a chance you actually dated my BIL?

I might befriend her, find out via conversation who she is close to in her family - if indeed she is. Then send her an anonymous letter and copy it to that person too. It's risky - but vulnerable people who think they are in love are unlikely to listen so if you only have the conversation with her it's likely to be ignored. If you have someone else who you know has her best interests at heart and an existing relationship, that may help. It's risky I realise, as the last thing any of us want is unwanted family interference and you don't know what her family are like, but if they are good people and she is close to any of them, that may be helpful, however undermining this might be. It sounds like she is very vulnerable and he is really pretty vile. It's not worth risking the lives of these children and the likely impact on her future relationships if she goes further down this path.

Noo he’s an only child!
If I could do one good thing in my life it would be to save any other woman from going through the living hell and the despair of believing my life was not worth living anymore.
The end came one Sunday afternoon after a violent incident and I told him to
pack his things and go or I was calling the police.
he actually laughed and told me, they would never believe me as I had “mental health issues”.
i don’t even know how I managed to stay firm I think it was probably because I realised it had to happen or I would end up dead.
I look back and miss the old me, I’m so desperate to just feel “normal” again if that makes sense.

OP
He wants to go out for dinner with you to give him legitimacy.

Why would you do that?
He's scum.

You and your family are playing a part in his fraud.

Send this woman a letter with a long list of what he does.

The moving in, the drugs, the lies, the loans, the scams.

A long list of what he has done to multiple woman, that he will put it down to lies, jealousy, crazy ex's.

Tell her by all means ignore this warning.

But she has been warned.

Tell her to be very careful of her children around him and to NEVER leave them alone with him EVER.

Completely anonymously. Not a word to anyone what you have done. If you meet her at your MIL's you could slip your number.

If she has introduced the children quickly, there probably isn't any hope, but you should definitely try.

Unfortunately lots of people won't be told until its too late.

Yep. You may want to save that message as you'll be doing a few a copy+paste of it....

When I said invite her round I meant as a friend, you have children in common. However more than likely he’ll find a way of maki g you out to be some sort of nut case to keep her clear of you. Girls can chat more freely and he won’t want to not be in control of any conversation.

I really wish girls were taught this at school.

If you go for the note - I think instead of telling her to leave and not leave children alone etc - you need to be more like: "these are the warning signs; do not take out loans on his behalf if he asks, do not let him move in with you and if it was me, I wouldn't leave my children alone with him"

That way she knows what to watch for - rather than feel like she is being told to leave and end the relationship... no one likes being told what to do!

Send her an anonymous message ASAP.

He may well say it's a vindictive ex. If it's mentioned to you then deny all knowledge.

Shortly afterwards you could then say to her "if you need myself or my husband any time, day or night, then give us a call".

If she has some info from what appears to be two different pieces, it may make her think.

Sadly, if she's smitten, she may ignore it and think she knows best.

Only then perhaps you could open up to her a bit more!

Just thinking ... what if your husband spoke to his mum and told her that you were going to warn this woman off because she has children.

Maybe the fall out wouldn't be so bad if you endeavoured to get MIL on your side with it in advance of telling the new partner?

You could do lots of things simultaneously.

Speak to your BIL and tell him to leave her alone because of DCs

Would you be able to find out her close friend or family member? You could approach them with facts and they could maybe say something or at least be watching out.

You could build a relationship that is Mums and DCs only.

Give her your number.

Speak to her DCs school and SS if there are safeguarding issues.