Should I warn her of abusive family member?

[ConcernedSIL]

My BIL is a very 'tricky character' as his mum would say, over the past 15 odd years he's gone through a string of relationships that have ended very poorly.

We have supported some of his ex's over the years and know that he has been emotionally and financially abusive. I personally believe he is purposefully targeting vulnerable women to fund his ongoing opioid addiction (the addiction is a fact - the targeting more of a grey area).

To the best of my knowledge he has never been physically abusive but has taken £1000s from each woman, forced them to sign expensive car leases, lend him money, moving into their house as a cocklodger etc. He has done this by destroying their confidence and through a web of lies (eg. he doesn't live with his elderly mum... she lives with him etc) as well as manipulating them (threatening suicide etc.).

As you can imagine we don't see eye to eye but we know all about his goings on through DHs mum and see him when our paths cross at her house. MIL loves him dearly and is terrified of losing him to either an OD or suicide, she believes he's any minute away from turning his life around.

Now to our current issue...

There's a new woman in his life. We've looked at her social media and for the first time there's young children involved (including a baby!). Me and DH have young children of a similar age and it looks to us like she's recently separated from her partner.

His classic 'take out loans to wine and dine and look wealthy' wooing technique is in full swing. He's asked us (DH, children, me and rest of family) out to dinner next week to meet her AND her children, the thought of sitting at a table and looking this woman in the eyes makes me feel sick.

Should someone warn her of the impending shit storm rolling into her and her children's lives? Or should I keep my nose out of other people's business? How would I even do it, DH would support either way but MIL would be furious if she found out we got involved.

@catandcoffee it's really scared me that he's met the children so quickly. To me it suggests she's not being very cautious and it matches his past behaviour. He'll have moved into the family home within a month.

Add that to some social media posts from her about "fairytale endings" etc and I think she's falling hook, line and sinker.

I would go to dinner and then pop to the loo at the same time as her.

I would say that you would be grateful if she would keep the conversation confidential as you are worried about repercussions in the family for DH and his Mum.

Explain what you have seen and heard very briefly and offer to put her in contact with the previous girlfriend who could give more detail (explain that you helped her exit the relationship). Acknowledge that it is a very strange and risky conversation to be having with her as she has no reason to trust you, but that she has dc and that is what convinced you to speak up

My only worry about an anonymous messages is that he can turn it round to be 'it's my vindictive ex - they don't like me, they are trying to ruin me' as he sounds quite manipulative anyway.

I would try to strike up a friendship with her, suggesting a play date is a good idea!

The only issue is... if she doesn't take the bait! Hmm.. such a tricky situation!

I don't but I think she's local to us, I quite like the idea of a written letter.

I absolutely agree that the children make her particularly vulnerable, imagine your family unit breaks down and then in rides a Knight in shining armour who makes you feel like a princess!

If I did nothing I really don't think I could live with the guilt, we had so many sleepless nights when helping his ex partner.

@ConcernedSIL yes very worrying.
The chances of her listening to you is probably nil.

I'd send the letter with straight facts and let her know you're giving them to her so she has all the facts before deciding whether to continue with him or not. Tell her you can't approach her in person as if her boyfriend found out who you were he'd do X, Y or Z but that you can't sit back and watch, knowing what he's like, especially as there are children involved this time.

Sadly an anonymous note he will brush off to her as from a jealous ex.
Own it op. Save that poor woman and her dc. Is mil really worth sacrificing them for?

Tell her in any way you like but tell her.
Even if she shrugs it off at the present time, she will be forearmed in the future.

I can't see anyone getting a letter like that and forgetting about it.

We can all explain away the behaviour of people we love but if she starts experiencing similar things to which she has been warned about, it will make her decision making process a lot easier.

I only wish someone would of warned me about my ex, and all his family knew.
In part I think they didn't because they did love him but I think a big part of it was that he was then my problem and not theirs.

how would it go down if at the next get together where you are all there you and Dh can ask publicly certain questions that would bring to light the facts ie ask mil about the mortgage situation in the news and how it affects her mortgage
ask bil how long he’s lived with mil now as you’ve forgotten
ask how the ex has recovered… I’m sure you can think of a few things that highlight to her a few things to think about and let him know you’re on to him???
then talk to her about him privately

I agree with this.
Someone send my friend some information anonymously and it was dismissed. Eventually she found out who sent it but her had time to build his own narrative around the information.

I hope not, I'm thinking anonymous message or letter with actual content PLUS actual SIL in the real world giving their number and saying to take care might add extra weight.

She'd never know it was the same person twice but stops him from being able to brush off the message/letter as nothing.

Oh I definitely could (would) do this, he definitely restricts what I can see on his socials as I've commented before telling him to get his arse off DHs car (posing with 'his' new car) and other CF things he's done!

But if she doesn't listen I've set my life on fire for nothing. My DC love their nan and she's a good person herself, I think she's probably one of his main victims if anything.

Won’t work. I had a former partner’s father warn me and I was so loyal I didn’t believe it. Then the ex girlfriend warned me, and I still didn’t believe that.

It needs to be something more direct and firm, a face to face serious talk rather than throwaway remarks. I would have listened more carefully to that.

Yes I’d definitely warn her off

be prepared for a nuclear fall out
but kind of , fuck it too ?

his mum enables him clearly

I wouldn’t do it anonymously, I’d be blunt about it. You don’t let him around your children, he’s an addict, a narc, an abuser…. I’d be zero contact so it wouldn’t bother me for him to link it to me.

also there is the concern that she won’t take it seriously if it’s anonymous, he could easily manipulate to it be from a “psycho ex” (the old classic!) and then the opportunity has been wasted. If it comes from someone who clearly knows him very well she is surely more likely to view it with some credibility?

Just take her aside and tell her. Be honest. Secret notes are too easily minimised. He'll become the victim.

I would tell her and I would not do it anonymously because she deserves to know that the warning is coming from a member of his family who has known him well for years and will not leave children in his company even for five minutes.

If I were her I would listen to that, especially in a very new relationship, whereas an anonymous message could be brushed off as malicious.

Own it and do it properly face to face and get straight to the nitty gritty. An anonymous letter is too easy for them both to gloss over.

Don't wait til the meal. Tell her now, message her.

Don't tell her anonymously, and don't write anything down. Tell her in person as soon as humanly possible.

A friend of mine got with a con artist. She was contacted by his ex (she was told she was a jealous ex) the ex messaged all of her friends too. They were all told the same. I refused to listen, spoke to the exes got evidence confronted her (shed been done over by this point with contract phones which he had sold for his gambling addiction) she remained with him for 4 more years having affairs cheating etc) she's finally seen sense. But basically the tindler swindler. So back it up with a lot of evidence x

I would tell her, especially has she has children.

But I also think as a family you should be upfront with that relative and tell him you are appalled by his behaviour and won't have any contact or provide him with anymore support until he sorts himself out.

Your MIL is enabling his behaviour.

''His mental health is incredibly fragile and we all walk on eggshells around him.''

That needs to stop because he is manipulating you all by playing the fragile victim when in fact he is the one abusing others.

I'd go with anonymous note before you meet and then follow her to the toilet and say what you said earlier - she has no reason to trust or believe you but now children are involved you can't keep quiet and she needs to know what type of man he is. Tell her you don't leave your children unattended with his, he is an addict and a con artist and she needs to leave him now if not for her own Safety then her children. She may not listen but you can't do nothing and maybe saying this following an anonymous note will hold more weight.

Your mil is an accessory. Don't allow yourself to be one.