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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

84 replies

pollyloo · 24/09/2022 21:54

Iv been seeing a man for 6 months we met on tinder 🙊
He is lovely an we get on really well , laugh constant. We have had a few arguments early on but always been resolved, we both said we love each other after about 4months it's been very intense quite quickly which is fine we are long distance so I think this has added to it, however today he has had his son who's 5, and he has been throwing tantrums BF has called him a little cunt multiple times a few times on message and then once on voice note. It's really not sat right with me my children drive me mad and I lose my rag but I wouldn't even called them cunts?! I really see a future with this man but this is screaming red flag to me, what's everyone else's opinions please?

OP posts:
ellenpartridge · 25/09/2022 06:45

Absolutely awful. I couldn't overlook this.

Donotgogentle · 25/09/2022 06:54

Orangio · 24/09/2022 23:03

Your OP could be read two ways. Has he called the child that in front of the child, or just to you in messages?
If the former, totally unacceptable.
If the latter, it depends. I call my DS a wee toerag/ratbag/monster/devil etc when speaking to my DH about him. He never hears me. It's jokey. I have a friend who uses 'cunt' in the way I use 'toerag'; she just doesn't see it as a particularly bad word. If she jokily called her children cunts in a message to me I wouldn't think anything of it. But she wouldn't ever say that to their faces though.

This was a good question.

The answer is really horrible. I can’t quite believe you’re even questioning whether this is a red flag op. It makes me wonder where your boundaries are.

2022babyhope · 25/09/2022 06:54

Bin him immediately.

Perfect28 · 25/09/2022 07:23

Leave him but can you do anything to keep the child safe? Tell his mum what's happening?

Oysterbabe · 25/09/2022 07:54

He's a shitbag. I'd bin him immediately. You cannot be with someone who you could never allow to be near your child.

BritInAus · 25/09/2022 07:55

So he's not only calling his infant son that word, but ignoring his tears to call you during him crying and calling him that in front of him?
Plus there are more red flags?

It's obvious hideous, and fairly worrying too that you don't trust your own judgement and need to ask others if this is bad or not...

UnagiForLife · 25/09/2022 08:00

Poor child, yes huge red flag. You can get out of a relationship with this man. Unfortunately the child can’t and that makes me so sad.

UnagiForLife · 25/09/2022 08:05

I’d reply “your little boy sounds so sad, please give him a cuddle and find out what’s wrong instead of calling him such a horrendous name. I’ll be blocking you now, it was fun while it lasted but you’ve shown me your true colours and can’t be with someone who treats their poor child like that. Goodbye and please take a long hard look at the way you parent your child”

Bedazzled22 · 25/09/2022 08:07

I feel so sad for that poor child. Calling him a terrible name and leaving him to cry…. He is abusive

lucky for you you can make sensible choice never see him again. Shame his son cant.

Bedazzled22 · 25/09/2022 08:09

A parting shot could be trying to tell the mother about how he treats her son…

Maytodecember · 25/09/2022 08:10

pollyloo · 24/09/2022 23:25

He was with him walking home he can be heard crying in the back of the voicenote

Show quote history

Oh that doesn’t sound good does it? Doesn’t sound like he has much patience and can get nasty quite easily.
Seems like the honeymoon period is over and this is what he’s like. 🚩

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 25/09/2022 08:13

He sounds absolutely disgusting. And why the hell is he phoning you when he has a crying child to deal with? If you don't dump him now then are you are inviting this absolute pig into your children's lives.

Backtonormalnow · 25/09/2022 08:15

Awful word to use to a child and he obviously thinks it’s ok to do it around you too.

legalseagull · 25/09/2022 08:17

Orangio · 24/09/2022 23:03

Your OP could be read two ways. Has he called the child that in front of the child, or just to you in messages?
If the former, totally unacceptable.
If the latter, it depends. I call my DS a wee toerag/ratbag/monster/devil etc when speaking to my DH about him. He never hears me. It's jokey. I have a friend who uses 'cunt' in the way I use 'toerag'; she just doesn't see it as a particularly bad word. If she jokily called her children cunts in a message to me I wouldn't think anything of it. But she wouldn't ever say that to their faces though.

Totally agree with this.

He's not said it TO this child. Just in a message letting off steam about the tantrum. I'm sure everyone else's children are angels, but sometimes mine are little shits and I'll tell my friends that whilst having a little moan

DottyLittleRainbow · 25/09/2022 08:19

Dump, block and run!

legalseagull · 25/09/2022 08:20

Ah ok. Just saw the update about him saying it within ear shot on his child. That's not on

Calphurnia88 · 25/09/2022 08:30

That's horrendous OP. I don't know how anyone could talk like that about their own child.

Can you elaborate on the other red flags?

daisychain01 · 25/09/2022 08:37

That's the thing though he seems a really lovely dad his little boy is quite hardwork not defending him because obvs iv posted!

Give me strength, this nasty piece of work refers to his offspring as the C-word and you go on to say what a lovely dad he is. You really need your head tested being with this charmer. He lives at distance, good, easier to cut him out of your life.

Regularsizedrudy · 25/09/2022 08:42

He sounds like a right piece of work

Tanfastic · 25/09/2022 08:47

I wouldn't want to be with a man who referred to any of their children as little cunts.

He's not a nice man op.

keepmywifesnameoutchagoddammouth · 25/09/2022 10:40

How has someone called a child a little cunt in your presence and you've been okay with it? Have a word with yourself please. I'd challenge anyone who did that, and any man would be out the door immediately after a good talking to.

Not acceptable.

TheLoupGarou · 25/09/2022 10:44

That is horrendous. That poor little boy. I would finish with him and not take anything else to do with him. Awful, emotionally abusive behaviour.

Is there any way you can let the boys mum know what has been going on?

Honks · 25/09/2022 10:51

I agree with other posters who have raised contacting social services.
That poor child is likely to be at risk from his father.
Contact children’s services and then block him.
You have the choice and ability to walk away. The child doesn’t.

Ticksallboxes · 25/09/2022 11:16

I can't quite believe you were unsure enough to take to Mumsnet!!

This man sounds like an absolute monster. I agree with PPs - report him to social services then block him. Thank goodness he doesn't live nearby.

Stravaig · 25/09/2022 11:21

pollyloo · 24/09/2022 23:32

Quite a few unfortunately 😩

Show quote history

What are the others? It might be useful to make a list. See just how much sex and emotions can warp sound judgement.