Dating…

[woodchipper]

A bit of a rant.

I’m 47, 6’1, broad shouldered fit and handsome (so I’m told but go with it…). Im athletic, healthy and a guy that considers himself to be romantic, a gent and I love sex. Never cheated, don’t have kids and I’m friendly (not friends) with a couple of long term ex’s. Amazing career, great work life balance and I own my home etc. On paper I’m a decent match or so I’d like to think. I’ve got flaws too I guess, I’m quite assertive so can come across as cold
sometimes, I soften quickly if I know someone.
I’m also a gym boy and muscular (not Arnie) but I think it intimidates, I’m rubbish at small talk but great at meaningful conversations - ask me about the the weather or football I’m asleep. 😂

I’ve been single for 2 years. I’m trying OLD and it is HARD work. Dozens of matches, False starts, swipe after swipe and a couple of dates that went nowhere.

date 1 just wanted sex and I don’t do that. She wanted to come back to mine instantly and I’m not into people like that.

date 2 came out of a horrible 15 year marriage in Jan and still has feelings for the ex even though he’s cheated for 5 years.

date 3 was ok but she didn’t feel the spark which is fair enough.

it feels like a numbers game, the more you try the more you may “connect” with. What happened to eyes meeting over a bar and hitting it off from there. Everyone seems to be on endless quests to find 100% perfection.

I chatted with my PA yesterday about it and she said the balance of interest has to be spot on. Not too much texting but not too little. So it’s now a game. 🤯

Is there anyone actually looking to settle? I want forever but it seems it’s hard to find.

When you say 'It's a numbers game', are you assuming that the number of dates would generally be less than 3 before you find your dream partner?

The apps aren't there to make you find a partner, they're designed to keep you on them for as long as possible.

My advice is to get off the apps and meet people organically in person - whether that be through work, hobbies, gym etc.

I actually think I might love you 🤣

I’ve had two long term relationships of 10 years each. Both of which came about after one date. I don’t think one should have to schlep themselves in front of dozens to meet someone.

Looking at it from a different angle who would you like to meet?

Someone positive, similar interests (but enough differences to) and possibly cute too but it’s not all about that.

Well, what you think is as relevant as me saying 'I don't think cows should have 4 legs'.

Doesn't make much difference to the fact that that's generally how it is.

If you don't like dating sites, don't use them. What you're doing is like shopping, and expecting every product in every shop to be exactly what you want.

Go and do stuff. Clubs and classes and walks. You'll meet lots of people, and hit it off with someone after a bit. But you'll still, essentially, need to meet several people before the woman of your dreams shows up.

Assume positive intent and try to see through the eyes of others.

you come across as bitter.

Your opinion on me is also as relevant as my opinion on cows.

Assume positive intent and try to see through the eyes of others

Was this an imperative?

If I were cynical I'd say your OP sounded like an advertisement.

I don't think many people would be intimidated by you using a gym frequently.

What is the age range you have set? What is your location (metropolitan, suburban)?

Art classes, cooking and wine tasting courses, most events I attend (through private members clubs for example) are full of singe women in late 30s and early 40s, the ratio of women to men is 80/20). The same can be said for any private previews of art exhibitions, book clubs, hiking groups and in my experience, even running clubs.

You've had 3 dates in 2 years and are worried about the numbers game?

Calling women who give you advice in good faith "bitter" is not particularly attractive. What are your relationships like with women outside of dating?

Yes, I thought that. Perhaps we can see why he's having problems...

Bitter?. Huge leap. Do you actually like women OP? Yeah, you fancy them (maybe the cute ones anyway) But do you actually like and respect women?. It's is a numbers game but to be fair your original post came across like a personal ad 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'll go out with you OP, come to the glorious north east 😉

Seriously, it IS a numbers game, and you likely have very high expectations. Lower them, but keep your standards high.

Three dates in two years is nothing. Think about online dating like casting a giant net over a public space and rounding up all the random people you catch. The law of averages says you probably won’t like or fancy a lot of those people. So yes, by it’s very nature it is a numbers game and you can’t really compare it to meeting organically. If you strike up a conversation with someone in the gym or the pub, the chances are you’ve already spotted each other and given signals you’re interested, so the conversation starts from a place of mutual interest.

Online dating doesn’t, you’re just shown a conveyor belt of people and have to judge them first purely on their looks. You have to keep meeting people regularly to work through the conveyor belt before you find one you happen to click with. It’s pure luck.

You do sound like you feel entitled to have a woman fall at your feet, but remember to her you’re just another person on that conveyor belt.

I’m also a gym boy

I think this view of yourself might not be that appealing to women. You're 47. You don't have kids. Referring to yourself as a boy might be giving off something of an immature vibe. Also bigging yourself up so much, followed by 'I have flaws, I guess', gives a feeling of over confidence, like 'I'm awesome, I've got flaws but they don't matter...' which is great to feel but not good to state. Flaws like coldness can be corrected, but 'I guess' you won't be bothering with that.

You said I come across as bitter. Have you thought about how you come across, or are you just feeling a bit hard done to, given that none of the 3 women you've met has found you irresistably dashing?

OP - You mention you think you come across as cold. I have a friend (through an IRL hobby group) who comes across as austere, aloof and a bit up himself. But now I’ve got to know him I realise he’s far from that. Initially though, I thought him intimidating and a bit scary!

If I’d have met him through a dating app and he behaved the way he did when I met him the first few times, he wouldn’t have got a second or third chance because my initial impression of him was he was intimidating and scary. But because I’ve got to know him organically through the group meets...

In fact, thinking about it, there are quite a few men that, on initial meeting (IRL), I’ve been fairly nonplussed about and discovered they’re better for knowing.
Translate that to the dating apps and they wouldn’t have got a swipe right, never mind a date.

Maybe the apps are too fast-paced for your “getting to know someone” style?

This thread is considerably more entertaining than I expected. 😂

And there it is.

Do you usually refer to women in their late 40s/early 50s as "cute"? I assume you are looking for someone around your own age OP?

Ah ha ha ha ha!
Yes I’m sure he is.

I'm "assuming positive intent" 😉