Dating…

[woodchipper]

A bit of a rant.

I’m 47, 6’1, broad shouldered fit and handsome (so I’m told but go with it…). Im athletic, healthy and a guy that considers himself to be romantic, a gent and I love sex. Never cheated, don’t have kids and I’m friendly (not friends) with a couple of long term ex’s. Amazing career, great work life balance and I own my home etc. On paper I’m a decent match or so I’d like to think. I’ve got flaws too I guess, I’m quite assertive so can come across as cold
sometimes, I soften quickly if I know someone.
I’m also a gym boy and muscular (not Arnie) but I think it intimidates, I’m rubbish at small talk but great at meaningful conversations - ask me about the the weather or football I’m asleep. 😂

I’ve been single for 2 years. I’m trying OLD and it is HARD work. Dozens of matches, False starts, swipe after swipe and a couple of dates that went nowhere.

date 1 just wanted sex and I don’t do that. She wanted to come back to mine instantly and I’m not into people like that.

date 2 came out of a horrible 15 year marriage in Jan and still has feelings for the ex even though he’s cheated for 5 years.

date 3 was ok but she didn’t feel the spark which is fair enough.

it feels like a numbers game, the more you try the more you may “connect” with. What happened to eyes meeting over a bar and hitting it off from there. Everyone seems to be on endless quests to find 100% perfection.

I chatted with my PA yesterday about it and she said the balance of interest has to be spot on. Not too much texting but not too little. So it’s now a game. 🤯

Is there anyone actually looking to settle? I want forever but it seems it’s hard to find.

You never know how people see OLD or which tactics work best. I got told my tactic of actually reading profiles and binning off anyone who just says '"Hi, how's you?" by having a minimum word requirement on messages, was the wrong way to go by some men in a discussion. Apparently they've got the impression that women think if they fire off a quick 'Hi', it means they don't have time to read as they are in so much demand, which makes them more attractive.
Wouldn't work on me, I much prefer it if something relevant to my profile gets a mention. Otherwise, it says to me that they can't be arsed with taking it seriously and putting any effort in. But I'd be in the minority of women to think this way - according to a couple of men who seemingly know that I think differently to most women, because they've already decided how most of us think.
Mind you, these were 2 guys who've seemingly had years of no luck and don't get past a 3rd date - whereas I have had a few meaningful relationships over the years and it's usually taken weeks of dabbling to find a someone, not years.
I ended up accepting that it's not impossible that my thinking may be unusual - because I don't pretend to know other people's minds, and they got quite animated and heated about it (so I moved on and went to talk to other people). It's a pov difference, we all chose our own methods.

Me too !!!!

Think I know why noone wants to date you. You're a prick.

BUt you aren't trying to meet anyone other than through online dating. Therefore, you are excluding all women who don't do online dating. If you had a hobby where you met people, such as learning a foreign language (theres often residential courses abroad), a sport or something, you could meet women first before dating them.

Many single women in your demographic would tend to avoid a man of 47 who has never been married who does online dating, because they wouldn't see him as good potential relationship material. Never mind the cliched comments, including the "you must be bitter" one to a woman you mildly disagreed with.

But you chose to do the dance of death that is online dating...

I’m not looking, but if I were, you’re not far off what I might be interested in. I have a lot of boxes that need to be ticked though, and the chances of you ticking those as well are possibly low (e.g. I would never date a non-vegan, a pet-owner, a smoker, someone who drinks to get drunk, a Tory, stuff like that).
I like my own space, I have young kids (not interested in having more, even if I could), so someone who was out doing their own thing at the gym or wherever, would actually suit me just fine.
The not been married before thing would not bother me at all.

You sound a bit like a lovely old friend of mine (except he’s divorced, with a kid), but he’s a ‘gent’ (stands up at the dining table when I arrive/return from the toilet, walks on the road side of the pavement - stuff like that). He’s absolutely lovely, and I know he’s looking to settle down again, like you, but I can imagine he writes like you if he’s doing OLD (I’m not sure that he is), and if going by the comments above, seems some women find that off-putting. Me, no, but like I said, I’m not looking.

Keep on keeping on. And good luck.

“Many single women in your demographic would tend to avoid a man of 47 who has never been married who does online dating, because they wouldn't see him as good potential relationship material”

I wouldn’t think that and I think OP sounds lovely, assuming he is child free. Makes me wonder if maybe I should try dating.

I still use “cute”. I’m 46. It’s just an expression.

Though sadly I reckon I’d have ti
lose weight if I were to start dating, or trying to.

Agreed re cute thing. (I’m late forties.)

Not sure I understand your comment that be sounds lovely, “assuming he’s child-free”.

Just out of interest, OP, are you ok with a woman already having children/would you rather she didn’t/are you hoping to have bio children? (Sorry if sensitive issue.)

If I read gym boy I would think - ‘gay’.

I would see going to the gym as being equivalent to personal hygiene - doesn’t really need saying.

IfYouLikePina I mean, if he doesn’t have or want kids, he sounds great to me.

I don’t date - might be having a rethink now - but when I did, I never dated men with kids or who wanted them. Though disappointingly a lot of men said they didn’t want them but turned out to be more ambivalent.

If you meet people IRL through activities etc,you will be dismissing a lot of them as potential dates just through chatting to them, even if you aren't conscious of doing that. You can do a certain amount of that with OLD,but the ones you get on well with online, in the end, you have to meet - I've had more than one date where we got on well,but in person, there was no chemistry. So in that way, OLD requires more dates than meeting people through friends or via an activity, where you will already have some idea whether there's chemistry between you or not.