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Relationships

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Dating…

61 replies

woodchipper · 24/09/2022 10:09

A bit of a rant.

I’m 47, 6’1, broad shouldered fit and handsome (so I’m told but go with it…). Im athletic, healthy and a guy that considers himself to be romantic, a gent and I love sex. Never cheated, don’t have kids and I’m friendly (not friends) with a couple of long term ex’s. Amazing career, great work life balance and I own my home etc. On paper I’m a decent match or so I’d like to think. I’ve got flaws too I guess, I’m quite assertive so can come across as cold
sometimes, I soften quickly if I know someone.
I’m also a gym boy and muscular (not Arnie) but I think it intimidates, I’m rubbish at small talk but great at meaningful conversations - ask me about the the weather or football I’m asleep. 😂

I’ve been single for 2 years. I’m trying OLD and it is HARD work. Dozens of matches, False starts, swipe after swipe and a couple of dates that went nowhere.

date 1 just wanted sex and I don’t do that. She wanted to come back to mine instantly and I’m not into people like that.

date 2 came out of a horrible 15 year marriage in Jan and still has feelings for the ex even though he’s cheated for 5 years.

date 3 was ok but she didn’t feel the spark which is fair enough.

it feels like a numbers game, the more you try the more you may “connect” with. What happened to eyes meeting over a bar and hitting it off from there. Everyone seems to be on endless quests to find 100% perfection.

I chatted with my PA yesterday about it and she said the balance of interest has to be spot on. Not too much texting but not too little. So it’s now a game. 🤯

Is there anyone actually looking to settle? I want forever but it seems it’s hard to find.

OP posts:
SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 24/09/2022 13:01

FWIW OP if you are indeed looking for any useful feedback and not actually touting for a date, as someone currently on OLD sites, some of the things that I (and women I speak to) will swipe left on include:

photos taken in your car from underneath to show your nostril hair

photos with women (yea they may be your best friend/sister/daughter, but also could be your ex or current wife - I shouldn’t have to ask to find out, just crop your bloody photos!)

photos where you’re drinking a pint in every one, or smoking (having clearly stated you don’t smoke or only drink occasionally)

gum selfies, toilet selfies, pics of you up a mountain/on a bike/crossing a finish line etc. Yes I know some women want a fit man and it’s important to have things in common, but I’d also like to spend time with a man, not have to fight for a space between marathon training and mamil-ing.

if the first message doesn’t reference my profile in any way, I know he’s using the scattergun approach and I could be anyone.

if his spelling and grammar is shit.

if he doesn’t ask any questions, just answers the ones I ask him.

if he doesn’t make me laugh

if he thinks that claiming to have his own hair and teeth is a selling point

if he uses the word banter

if he talks of a partner in crime

if all his pics are with cars and motorbikes

if he talks about himself as a car “good bodywork, plenty more miles on the clock” etc

if he’s looking for a ‘girl’ or even ‘lady’. I am a woman not a girl, and I’m certainly no lady. The fact that you don’t want a woman who’s into sex early on means you wouldn’t be for me either. Of course I want to meet someone first before deciding to shag them, but especially at your age we need to rule out ED or weird sex things - no point getting attached to a guy only to find he can’t get it up or wants you to peg him. (unless you’re interested in that of course).

i also rule out anyone too far away, I have enough going on without adding 2 hours travel in the mix.

and previously would have said a man your age without kids would be a no, as it’s easier to understand someone’s lifestyle if it’s similar to your own. I’ve recently met someone without kids and he’s off travelling and having fun while I’m tied to the family home so it’s going to be hard to make it work. However he’s got a lot of other good points so I’m seeing how it goes. If it doesn’t work out I imagine that will be a factor.

In a similar vein, I also swipe left on a man who answers “not sure yet” to the question about wanting kids/more kids. As a nearly 50 year old, I can’t/won’t have any more. If he’s not sure yet he’s clearly not on the same page in terms of moving in to the next phase of life. I’m not investing time in a man who decides in 5 years he wants to be a dad and dumps me for a 35 year old. If you don’t know by now, you’re not for me. And fgs give it some thought as it’s a serious question.

any man who says anything about a size preference or a hair colour preference can get to fuck. My hair colour changes more often than my sheets, and I’m human, so my weight fluctuates too. Even if I’m slim and blonde this week, I may not be another time. I want a man who likes a woman for who she is, not what she looks like.

then there are all those other tiny factors that give people the ick - bad teeth, weird smile, bad hair or dress sense. Or using the phrase “for my sins” or any other stupid little thing that can make one’s vagina clamp up.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 24/09/2022 13:05

And that’s before you even meet them.

then you’ve got funny voice/accent, bad laugh, not generous/weird about paying - whether that’s splitting the bill to the penny or being tight about where you go, smells funny or no chemistry, too handsy, not handsy enough, bad kisser etc

so there’s a lot of hurdles to jump before you meet someone who’s perfect for you. OLD really is the best way to give you lots of options but you HAVE to play the numbers game.

Notaboutthebass · 24/09/2022 13:23

You sound okay, apart from the coldness. I wouldn't persue a date who comes across like that. They're either nice on a date/first few dates or I don't bother.

I've been online dating for years as I'm picky. One of the major factors in my choice is PICTURES. If someone appears to be quite showy I swipe left without reading their profile. Do you have a lot of gym pictures? Lots of women don't go for muscles over personality/nice smile. And in my opinion going overboard with how good their lifestyle is and what a gent they are tends to be far from true from their real life. ( I dated a 'gent' - he was very far from it.) People have different ideas of what a gent it.

I think it's best to stay factual and down to earth. State what you enjoy, put nice smiley pictures on. A cute smile is 100 X more attractive than gym/ holiday pictures!

DropOfffArtiste · 24/09/2022 13:25

That's a good point "gent" is often code for old-fashioned, sexist attitudes.

Notaboutthebass · 24/09/2022 13:28

@DropOfffArtiste exactly!

VioletTopaz · 24/09/2022 13:32

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair has nailed it

talomon · 24/09/2022 14:07

You sound superficial and boring. And so full of yourself. The way you describe yourself is just your looks is quite cringe.

Any hobbies except being a "gym boy" in late 40s? Having a career and owning your home - well congrats on being an adult.

And nice plug about having a PA.

Are you looking to date people off MN? 🙄

Daisytigermay · 24/09/2022 16:34

I tried online dating also twice this year and found it absolutely mind boggling!! I’m told I’m attractive in my 30s I am a student working towards a professional career change but I think the fact I have 3 children is off putting. I had a lovely date but he told me from the start he wanted nothing serious and left it open as a casual arrangement, this isn’t me though and I don’t want to waste my time. However I know of people that have met online and are very happy. Don’t give up!

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 24/09/2022 18:43

Oh and another bunch of instant swipe lefts, in case that all wasn’t enough!

“is anyone on here even serious about dating?” = Why doesn’t anyone want meeeeeeee?!

“not looking for a pen pal” = if you don’t want me to send you dick pics on WhatsApp and then meet for sex asap I'm not interested.

”just ask” = I’m a lazy bastard and expect you to do all the work

”will fill this in later”. = I’m a procrastinator and will frustrate the hell out of you if we date.

”not looking for any drama, just want to have a good time” = 100% he brings the drama himself

“well here I am. Back on here again. Going to give it one last try” as if we all remember him from his last disastrous attempt at finding love.

There are literally thousands of reasons I wouldn’t match with a man on OLD. But it only takes one.

Darbs76 · 24/09/2022 18:55

I’m single but not looking to date (same as you OP), but some of my friends / colleagues are doing OLD and my God it has put me off for life. Try some new hobbies instead, I don’t think you’re going to meet the person you’re looking for in OLD

Marineboy67 · 25/09/2022 09:31

It really is a numbers game and try and learn something from every date you go on. I can understand that you have a positive and confident attitude towards yourself but not every woman will fall at your feet. Judging the whole online dating experience based on a few encounters is both premature and hopeless. The other thing to take out with you is to not be to judgemental and relax, perhaps treat it as a mate date. Looking for a certain set of criteria can ruin it before you even start. I probably had 50/60 dates over a couple of years. Met some great people and had a couple of relationships out of it, one lasting 3 years. I waited a year after that finished started dating again and was fortunate enough to meet my partner, 7 years together so far.

SideshowAuntSallly · 25/09/2022 11:36

I tried OLD for a bit. I met a couple of guys, one I stayed in touch with and saw regularly and we both said the same thing. OLD wasn't for us, we prefer doing it the old fashioned way and meeting out and about. Although had it not been for OLD I wouldn't have met him so something good came out of it.

I see nothing wrong with a 47 year taking care of himself (although gym boy makes me think obsessive in the free weights area). Over 40s aren't past it and as someone that goes to the gym 6 days a week it isn't an issue for me. And a tall athletic man is my ideal man.

I'm 44 and not looking to date, if I could bypass the whole dating bit and go straight into the relationship bit that would be great 😂.

If you find that magic place where single people seem to hang out I'd love to know.

EthicalNonMahogany · 25/09/2022 11:55

OMG @SteveHarringtonsChestHair you are brilliant. That's an excellent list of the "Creepy Flags" that just make you want to disengage. I'm so pleased it's not just me. Thousands of things that could go wrong, and yes, it only takes one false step to make you swipe away.

I'd also add things that make me say no; from the first message, saying something like "You said you love a man that can make you laugh, well here's a joke..." and then just telling a joke. Bonus shit points if it's a rude or offensive joke.

Mentioning your good hygiene as a thing - dude, I am assuming that washing isn't an optional extra!

Any mention of the words gentleman or lady, yes they are code for unprogressive. And saying you have good manners.

Describing yourself as "a creative".

"Loves kissing". Literally everyone loves kissing, when done right!

DropOfffArtiste · 25/09/2022 12:38

Ew yes, "tactile", "cuddly" or "world champion kisser" all equal sex pest.

"Spontaneous" - looking for sex immediately

"Laid-back" - lazy

Daydreamscometrue · 25/09/2022 12:50

Wants someone who 'does take themselves too seriously'. 'Openminded'

DancingDragonfly · 25/09/2022 14:54

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 24/09/2022 13:01

FWIW OP if you are indeed looking for any useful feedback and not actually touting for a date, as someone currently on OLD sites, some of the things that I (and women I speak to) will swipe left on include:

photos taken in your car from underneath to show your nostril hair

photos with women (yea they may be your best friend/sister/daughter, but also could be your ex or current wife - I shouldn’t have to ask to find out, just crop your bloody photos!)

photos where you’re drinking a pint in every one, or smoking (having clearly stated you don’t smoke or only drink occasionally)

gum selfies, toilet selfies, pics of you up a mountain/on a bike/crossing a finish line etc. Yes I know some women want a fit man and it’s important to have things in common, but I’d also like to spend time with a man, not have to fight for a space between marathon training and mamil-ing.

if the first message doesn’t reference my profile in any way, I know he’s using the scattergun approach and I could be anyone.

if his spelling and grammar is shit.

if he doesn’t ask any questions, just answers the ones I ask him.

if he doesn’t make me laugh

if he thinks that claiming to have his own hair and teeth is a selling point

if he uses the word banter

if he talks of a partner in crime

if all his pics are with cars and motorbikes

if he talks about himself as a car “good bodywork, plenty more miles on the clock” etc

if he’s looking for a ‘girl’ or even ‘lady’. I am a woman not a girl, and I’m certainly no lady. The fact that you don’t want a woman who’s into sex early on means you wouldn’t be for me either. Of course I want to meet someone first before deciding to shag them, but especially at your age we need to rule out ED or weird sex things - no point getting attached to a guy only to find he can’t get it up or wants you to peg him. (unless you’re interested in that of course).

i also rule out anyone too far away, I have enough going on without adding 2 hours travel in the mix.

and previously would have said a man your age without kids would be a no, as it’s easier to understand someone’s lifestyle if it’s similar to your own. I’ve recently met someone without kids and he’s off travelling and having fun while I’m tied to the family home so it’s going to be hard to make it work. However he’s got a lot of other good points so I’m seeing how it goes. If it doesn’t work out I imagine that will be a factor.

In a similar vein, I also swipe left on a man who answers “not sure yet” to the question about wanting kids/more kids. As a nearly 50 year old, I can’t/won’t have any more. If he’s not sure yet he’s clearly not on the same page in terms of moving in to the next phase of life. I’m not investing time in a man who decides in 5 years he wants to be a dad and dumps me for a 35 year old. If you don’t know by now, you’re not for me. And fgs give it some thought as it’s a serious question.

any man who says anything about a size preference or a hair colour preference can get to fuck. My hair colour changes more often than my sheets, and I’m human, so my weight fluctuates too. Even if I’m slim and blonde this week, I may not be another time. I want a man who likes a woman for who she is, not what she looks like.

then there are all those other tiny factors that give people the ick - bad teeth, weird smile, bad hair or dress sense. Or using the phrase “for my sins” or any other stupid little thing that can make one’s vagina clamp up.

Ha ha. Very true!

DancingDragonfly · 25/09/2022 14:56

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 24/09/2022 18:43

Oh and another bunch of instant swipe lefts, in case that all wasn’t enough!

“is anyone on here even serious about dating?” = Why doesn’t anyone want meeeeeeee?!

“not looking for a pen pal” = if you don’t want me to send you dick pics on WhatsApp and then meet for sex asap I'm not interested.

”just ask” = I’m a lazy bastard and expect you to do all the work

”will fill this in later”. = I’m a procrastinator and will frustrate the hell out of you if we date.

”not looking for any drama, just want to have a good time” = 100% he brings the drama himself

“well here I am. Back on here again. Going to give it one last try” as if we all remember him from his last disastrous attempt at finding love.

There are literally thousands of reasons I wouldn’t match with a man on OLD. But it only takes one.

You know, sometimes lightning strikes! The perfect man may actually reside in an OLD site Smile

keepmywifesnameoutchagoddammouth · 25/09/2022 15:09

What do you want out of life?
Find someone who wants the same, be honest about what you want.

EarthSight · 25/09/2022 20:21

I think you'll need to elaborate on your definition of the following -

'romantic'
'a gent'
'gym boy'
'cute'

I don’t think one should have to schlep themselves in front of dozens to meet someone

Nobody should have to, but I'm afraid this comes across as someone saying 'I don’t think one should have to schlep themselves in front of dozens of employers to get a job'. How would you respond to that attitude if you were interviewing someone for a position?

You sound impatient, like someone in authority who is used to things being done ASAP for him. You are now in the position of the candidate wishing to get a job, instead of being the one who's doing the hiring, and it might be bruising your ego a bit.

With the 'gym boy' thing - a lot of women won't like this unless they are enthusiastic gym goers themselves. It could signal that you spend a lot of time there or that you're vain. Muscular men often look unhealthy or out of proportion to me. They have little hands in comparison to their massive forearms, over developed muscles that look more like hard man boobs, and they often have a skin tone that's similar to substance abusers. They might not be abusing steroids, but their diet might mean they could be very unpleasant to share a bathroom with.

Losinghope9 · 25/09/2022 21:01

" gym boy" would put me off, it usually means guy's too into themselves, spend more time at the gym then with you, and who you can't go out to dinner with because they are " counting their macro's"

Don't get me wrong someone who's fit and healthy is never a bad thing, but someone who's boring and out life revolves around their gym schedules and what they eat, no thank you.

Group pictures used to wind me up, it's like the guessing game of which one are you. Also the line of " if my dog doesn't like you" god I hated online dating.

I'd you're serious about meeting someone you would probably be looking at dating once a week to twice a month. It long and tedious. But you learn quickly what to run the hell away from

foxlover47 · 25/09/2022 21:33

It's the use of "boy " in gym boy that would give me the ick
I'm a woman and looking forward "man "
I cringe when adult men call themselves boy

theresnouseingrumpin · 25/09/2022 21:40

Hi

donquixotedelamancha · 25/09/2022 21:41

Stuff like this is why women think all men who are on MN are weirdos.

dontputitthere · 25/09/2022 21:47

Nothing says sexy quite like a man coming on mumsnet for a bit of a rant...

Hold me back.

Marineboy67 · 25/09/2022 21:58

donquixotedelamancha · 25/09/2022 21:41

Stuff like this is why women think all men who are on MN are weirdos.

Don't judge us all by his standards!

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