So over my depressed husband

[tiredplus]

We’ve been together 10 years, married for 4 and have two very young kids together. My husband has had a rough childhood but has done well to make a decent life for himself and for us. I had some major medical issues related to my second pregnancy and my husband just couldn’t cope with it, fearing that me and the baby would die and he’ll have to raise our eldest alone. Basically that broke him, he’s just been a shell of himself since and threatened to kill himself a few times because he’s ‘just useless so might as well not be here’.

That was about 9 months ago, he’s on antidepressants now but still awaiting CBT/ some kind of therapy. The drugs have helped but he’s just been so snappy at me and the kids, everything I asked him to do is just ‘it’s just too much for me’ or ‘I’m too useless for this and can’t do it’. He’s just so unpleasant to live with and basically blamed me for everything and told me I’m the reason he’s poor (I pay 50/50 in everything and I own most of the house as well. It’s the fact that we now have two kids and I’ve been on two lots of mat leave and the inflation that makes finances much tighter).

He’s been off work for most of this time with a few periods where he returned part time (thankfully his employer has a very generous sickness policy). He might get sacked next year because of all this which isn’t helping his mental health.

So here’s me, slowly getting over two episodes of life threatening health issues, breastfeeding our six month old, working full time now to help out with finance, still doing all the cooking and general life admin (because it stresses him out) whilst he’s off. I’m basically picking up all the pieces and I’m just so tired. I still care about him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I am just so over him telling me daily how life is so difficult for him whilst I’m picking up all the pieces. I can’t tell him how unhappy I am without risking him threatening to kill himself again. We have no support here (my family is overseas and we are NC with his family) and I just feel like there’s no end to this. I’m hoping with some therapy he’ll be back to the man I fell in love with many years ago, but the waitlist is huge and I just feel so stuck and so tired. On a day to day basis we get on ok but I just don’t have capacity to take on his depression anymore. My focus is to make sure the kids are ok and happy.

Just want to vent and would so welcome any advice to get through this.

Sorry to hear this.

Is there anyway he can get therapy earlier.
Online, books etc.

Maybe a daily target.

Walking in Park with baby.

Drinking a litre of water
Eating 5 veg and fruit a day.

Cooking a healthy meal.

Reading a bedtime book to the child.

Anything with routine to structure the day around.

I am sorry for what you are both going through. I understand, having been there. There comes a point where it is so very hard to find the energy to be the sympathetic person you are and want to be. Do not beat yourself up - you can only do what you can do.

Goodness that sounds so hard. I don’t have any words of wisdom but can give empathy.

I have been through similar but not quite so pronounced (wasn’t actively threatening to kill himself, but alluding to or hinting at it).

It did mostly get better with time though, even though he wouldn’t accept treatment. The relationship was different though - less of a partnership. I know I have to be able to be completely self reliant emotionally, practically, financially.

OP, part of "vent"ing for me is posting, sure helps.
I wish you all luck
CBT can help
post more on here and discuss your probs wiht someone similar experiences
good luck

Good grief that sounds tiresome. Poor you,

It’s exhausting, wearing. My exh was an alcoholic and this made him sink into “woe is me” frequently. The whole world was against him and he’d threaten to kill himself. It exhausted me, working full time ( in fact I did two jobs, full day then an hour and a half on top, then home)
I think you need support for both of you, but separately.
For your husband Mind www.mind.org.uk
List of other UK organisations here : www.idealflatmate.co.uk/flatmate-HQ/top-10-uk-mental-health-charities/
For you, could you speak to your GP or your HV ? Just as there are support groups for the family of alcoholics, gamblers etc.. there must be support for those supporting partners in MH crisis.
You need to look after yourself and your own health.

I would prioritise accessing therapy asap
Can you pay for this?

You don't have to stay in the relationship of course.

Are you in the UK?

You can self refer online for CBT and you get assigned a Counsellor who calls to have a chat after you complete Modules.

It sounds like he needs proper support, has he looked into EMDR or other PTSD support and could you afford to go private?

He is behaving in a way that must be awful to live with but also he did fear you might die and has had a 'rough' upbringing?

I think if you could throw resources at it it would be a good use of funds.

Bloody hell, your man sounds suicidal! Yes Suicidal, phone your doctor, tell them your partner is suicidal!! It's that important! Get him help, it's important you get him help.

And help for yourself, just bloody phone them and don't take no for an answer, bloody keep on, honestly when I was suicidal, the local Dr, the local GP kept me safe x

This is where the airline safety message comes to mind. You need to put your mask on first to save yourself, before you can help others put their masks on and help save them.

Right now you need to save yourself and then your second priority is your DC, the third is your DH. What that looks like is something you'll have to work out.

It might include any of the following: you listen to less of the "woe is me" coming out of him; you refuse to be his therapist, he doesn't get to offload to you; him moving out for a period of time so that he can focus on himself and you focus on yourself and the DC; he agrees to a certain amount of time, maybe 30 minutes, when he focusses solely on other people and not himself, and at a different point in time you listen to him and focus on him for 30 minutes.

You might think of other things that are more suited to you.

But, you are not there to bear the brunt of his negativity or his anger and resentment. If you want to walk away then you can do so. He's proved himself to be someone you can't rely on when the going gets tough. It's ok to admit that it's killed your love for him. Death by a thousand little cuts.....

Thank you all for your kind responses, makes it clear I need to seek some help for him and perhaps for me. I’ll look into where we can pay privately for therapy (if we are allowed to?). He’s in the military so his healthcare sits outside of NHS. I called their med centre when he was suicidal once and they were less than helpful.

I think I do need to speak to him about being his ‘off loader’. I tried that before and he said I’m his wife and if he didn’t speak to me who should he speak to. It doesn’t help that I WFH and he’s off so he’s home all the time. I’m afraid if this carries on I’ll just get more resentful and I’m not sure if our relationship can survive that.

Yes it’s like me nearly dying and him wanting to be a good dad triggered a lot of his feelings from his childhood resurface and he just feels he’s not good enough for anything, let alone being a good dad for the kids. He’s been speaking to a mental health nurse (unfortunately this hasn’t been overly helpful) and is on the waiting list for a psychologist and some therapy.

Of course you can pay privately. Just look up counsellors online in your area and book someone! This sounds really serious, I'm not sure why you'd wait around.

This all sounds very grim OP. My mum had periods of depression and it is unbelievably draining to live with. They want to feel differently and want to be fixed but you cannot bear that responsibility because it is beyond anyone to wave a magic wand.

My personal feeling is that by trying to remove stress and things you can’t cope with (ie a job, housework, parenting and other responsibilities etc) that leads to more depression as you become inert with no distractions from your sadness/anxiety. Which in turn causes the depression to take over more of your life. This places an overwhelming burden on anyone around the person who is depressed as they try to alleviate your stress, but actually having no stress makes every little problem they encounter (eg running out of milk) seem exponentially huge and exhausting and so perpetuating the feeling of not being able to cope? Forgive me if that’s blindingly obvious to you! As pp has suggested some small goals each day might help your DH to get moving again and get away from his own thoughts?

I think you need to see a GP and explain the impact this is having on you and ask if there is anything more they can do? Perhaps your DH would consider an inpatient stay if your GP could facilitate that?

the situation you are living in does not allow you to be tired, overwhelmed, stressed or I would imagine, feel a lot of joy, in your own home. You are not a robot who can’t have their own feelings yet are expected to absorb DH’s, it will undo you in the end and cannot be nice for your children. Ultimately you have done what you can but you need respite. Could he move into military housing for a while? If he threatens suicide if you suggest this I would call an ambulance and insist that the mental health team take over his care, in the same way they would if it was a physical illness.

I hope this is good advice and that things change for you soon x

I read your post and just wanted to say how much I feel for you and to tell you that you are doing a great job. I was in a very similar situation and unfortunately now we are separated.
It is very very very hard dealing with someone with depression as well as looking after a young family so I totally sympathise with you. I just wanted to say that you are definitely not to blame and you are doing the best you can. It sounds like his childhood was tough and a lot of issues there to be dealt with. Is there no help his employer can offer? We were lucky that had health cover via his work which paid for his treatment. The NHS waiting lists are so long ☹️ Again, recommend the charity mind. It’s really really important you look after your own mental health as you are the one holding the family together. Are there any local support groups? Or even if just a friendly baby group for a nice cup of tea and a chat. Are you able to get out of the house much? A walk with the babies in the fresh air can do wonders. Would your husband join you? Eating well, fresh fruit etc. You really have to look after yourself. Have you many friends you can turn to? Just off loading can help immensely. I was lucky to have some family, not in the immediate area but only a phone call away.

Looking after 2 young children is tough by itself, let alone your prior medical issues and trying to help your husband. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you are only human and not a robot that can keep going without needing support.

Stay strong and remember you are doing a great job and none of this is your fault.

Sorry if I have rambled on a bit!

It sounds like his identity may be wrapped up in his hard childhood & he had to step up when you were unwell.

It is possible that him being forced to put aside his hard life & facing the possibility he may be solely responsible for the children is too much for him.

This all sounds very convenient that he is now firmly placed back in "victim" status & has all the attention/concern on him.

It sounds like you're doing a lot to keep your family together & that he is playing games with you.

IMO

Having been in a similar situation, not military, the one thing I think now is that I should have asked him to leave while he sorted himself out.
‘It’s not fair on you or the kids. And CBT/therapy might not work.

If he's expressing suicidal thoughts, he needs a referral on that basis, I'm not sure he'll be appropriate for CBT which is usually delivered by wellbeing workers.

I can’t tell him how unhappy I am without risking him threatening to kill himself again
This is very concerning - he's using the threat of self harm to silence you. If you have any issues, keep them to yourself, don't expect any support from him.

Honestly, i would prioritise the well-being of you and the children and leave. You don't need to be there whilst he has therapy.

Get some therapy for yourself OP. You are not a support animal for a wounded man.

You sound like me 3 years ago. We paid for DH counselling and also got some help through his work schemes so worth checking out. We also did relate. Ultimately depression or poor mental health is not an excuse. There will be plenty of single mums with depression on here who still manage to care for their kids and work and pay bills because they have to, there is no one to pick up the slack.
ultimately I left my husband as he didn’t really want to make any changes to tackle his depression and as miserable as he was, he would rather be depressed with me doing all the house work, childcare and working 40 hours a week than take on the advice of his counsellors (for example he would feel depressed so stay up all night watching films even though it would make him tired and unable to help with the kids or go to work).

thats just my experience and I suppose I’m trying to say you don’t need to be a martyr, there so a balance of helping him but at some point you have to draw a line and have your own boundaries to protect your own mental health and energy.

i was basically a single parent with him so when I left it wasn’t too hard a transition and I’m so much happier now I only have to rely on myself. He chooses to see the kids 3 hours a week as that’s all he can manage. He’s also found the ability to cook, clean and run his own household and go to work every day …. because now he has to!

I grew up with two parents with depression and unresolved issues about their upbringings I am going to take a different perspective on this, especially after reading ''He’s just so unpleasant to live with and basically blamed me for everything and told me I’m the reason he’s poor''.

Being depressed is not a licence to be unpleasant to others and to blame them for your own issues or bad decisions.

It is also not your responsibility to fix him. It sounds to me like you have been more than supportive and understanding but at some point you also need to step back and not enable his behaviour.

You have your own health issues to deal with and your kids to look after.

I know first how damaging it is for a child to grow up in an household where people have mental health issues but also use that as an excuse to behave appallingly. It had such a negative impact on my to have my parents constantly offload their issues on me, blaming me for their unhappiness and using verbal and physical violence against me rather than doing something about them.

It sounds to me that there is a degree of manipulation (the suicidal threats) and of taking on the victim's role rather than really trying to do everything he can to help himself in your husband's behaviour.

If I was in your shoes I would be reconsidering the relationship and thinking about whether I want my kids to grow up in this atmosphere. Because therapy is not a magic solution. Therapy can only work if the person really wants to do some hard and difficult work on themselves. It also usually takes time to work and there is no guarantee that it will.

My father was in the military too and like your husband he took out his issues on other people (mostly myself) but was never willing to do the work to get better, instead choosing to blame therapists for not understanding him and the world for being against him. He was truly a useless and unpleasant father.

Hope you don't mind being less than positive but I would not want any kid to have to grow up the way I did...

I was in a kind of similar situation and my DH was really helped by NHS services but did need to be truthful and a bit pushy to get them. The combination of meds and therapy really worked and we are pretty happy, and have healed our relationship well. Though like an PP said I don't think it will ever be the kind of trust where you can totally rely on each other.

A recommendation from me is the book The Body Keeps the Score which explains how childhood trauma can manifest again. It's accessible and really helped me to put a lot of things together to understand why DH was acting in such an irrational way.

I also thought the advice from PP about not avoiding chores was great - it can be important to help with executive function, so leaving a list. But the everyday movements of chores can be quite helpful.

Sending you a big hug