So over my depressed husband

[tiredplus]

We’ve been together 10 years, married for 4 and have two very young kids together. My husband has had a rough childhood but has done well to make a decent life for himself and for us. I had some major medical issues related to my second pregnancy and my husband just couldn’t cope with it, fearing that me and the baby would die and he’ll have to raise our eldest alone. Basically that broke him, he’s just been a shell of himself since and threatened to kill himself a few times because he’s ‘just useless so might as well not be here’.

That was about 9 months ago, he’s on antidepressants now but still awaiting CBT/ some kind of therapy. The drugs have helped but he’s just been so snappy at me and the kids, everything I asked him to do is just ‘it’s just too much for me’ or ‘I’m too useless for this and can’t do it’. He’s just so unpleasant to live with and basically blamed me for everything and told me I’m the reason he’s poor (I pay 50/50 in everything and I own most of the house as well. It’s the fact that we now have two kids and I’ve been on two lots of mat leave and the inflation that makes finances much tighter).

He’s been off work for most of this time with a few periods where he returned part time (thankfully his employer has a very generous sickness policy). He might get sacked next year because of all this which isn’t helping his mental health.

So here’s me, slowly getting over two episodes of life threatening health issues, breastfeeding our six month old, working full time now to help out with finance, still doing all the cooking and general life admin (because it stresses him out) whilst he’s off. I’m basically picking up all the pieces and I’m just so tired. I still care about him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I am just so over him telling me daily how life is so difficult for him whilst I’m picking up all the pieces. I can’t tell him how unhappy I am without risking him threatening to kill himself again. We have no support here (my family is overseas and we are NC with his family) and I just feel like there’s no end to this. I’m hoping with some therapy he’ll be back to the man I fell in love with many years ago, but the waitlist is huge and I just feel so stuck and so tired. On a day to day basis we get on ok but I just don’t have capacity to take on his depression anymore. My focus is to make sure the kids are ok and happy.

Just want to vent and would so welcome any advice to get through this.

I’ve been massively depressed in the past from childhood trauma. Wasn’t an excuse to be a dickhead.

even when chronically depressed you can still choose how you respond to that depression

depression doesn’t excuse abuse

you can’t solve it for him and he has to want to get better

id establish some very clear ground rules about what you’ll do and what he needs to do

and if he can’t then I’d separate (I get it’s really not as easy as just doing that)

if he threatens to kill himself to manipulate you - well - that’s on him

Yes just to be clear, I was only able to stay because DH did do the work, even though he didn't want to. And he did find a way to connect back in and start being an active part of the family team. I wouldn't have stayed otherwise (actually just couldn't have).

If your husband is military call combat stress. If they can't help they may point you in the direction of someone who can. My tricky birth kickstarted ptsd and I'm not saying it is necessarily that but it started as depression and quickly snowballed so help is really key! Explain the situation to combat stress and see what they advise. They were brilliant with us as although husband is ex military and it wasn't military related ptsd they pointed us to an organisation that could help and I got help too

If you have any available money I would look at paying privately, rather than just waiting.

A couple of potentially quicker routes into getting some treatment in place:

Many GPs can refer into online therapy packages like Silvercloud (online CBT, very evidence based) so it may be worth finding out whether he can access anything like this

You may well have already exhausted this, but his employer may have an Employee Assistance Programme and these can include access to things like counselling

In many areas, you can access private therapy at low cost - near me, for example, I can think of two different centres that offer this (one being the local counseling training provider). I know it would still be an expense, but there may be options that aren't ruinous.

I just wanted to come and say that if you want to, you know you do have the right to separate from him, OP?

As others have said, being depressed does not automatically mean abusive behaviour and his problems do not excuse the way he is speaking to you or the atmosphere you are living in. Framing the living situation in a different way, do you think the current unhealthy dynamic with him blaming you for all his problems and you feeling exhausted and resentful is doing either of you any good?

My experience is different (alcoholic husband) but I did have the problem/guilt/fear at breaking up with someone I viewed as at their most vulnerable, so depressed, suffering from trauma that wasn't their fault. It kept me living on eggshells and without light or happiness far too long. I kept trying to problem solve, find help, get him support. But it was a waste of my energy, he wasn't ready.

It does sound like you have already tried being a very supportive and understanding partner and helped him access professional help. I just want to say, don't feel like this is it, this has to be it for ever. I remember the claustrophobia of feeling like that. You do have choice and honestly the current set up doesn't sound good for anyone in your family.

Are you sure he’s not just a lazy prick?

He says that he is entitled to offload to you as you're his wife, yet he doesn't allow you to offload to him. Can he see how unfair and illogical (and damaging) that is?

It sounds like you've been as supportive as anyone could possibly be, and it isn't changing anything. Don't feel bad about prioritising you and your children now. Your children need one parent who is together and reliable and positive. There is a risk your husband will drag you down with him, leaving you an empty shell of yourself, which is no good for your children or of course you.

You may need a break from him, even if it isn't permanent, to rebuild and protect your own health and to focus on your children. And to decide if you can re-find those feelings you had for him. It's completely understandable that you've lost those loving, couple-type feelings for your husband. It would be understandable if you couldn't stick around any longer. You aren't responsible for your husband's health or state of mind, but you are responsible for yours and (jointly, but at the moment the only one doing anything) for your children.

My dh had a breakdown and became suicidal when we started a family. I had a couple of years of hell and we split up in the end. It was just awful. Someone who is depressed just cannot see beyond themselves and it caused us to argue because I resented him. I had counselling as did he and then we had Relate counselling. I remember crying with my counsellor saying that this was supposed to be a special time for us and I felt like he'd sabotaged it by making it about him.

However, we did get back together after a few months apart as we met up and i realised I still loved him. He does still have episodes of depression and every time he does I am taken back there, but it's never as bad or as long lasting.

Dunno what I am trying to say really, I suppose I am saying I "get it" OP and maybe a break would be good for you too, before everything is destroyed.

Hi @tiredplus really sorry to hear all this, this talking support is for veterans but they may be able to give you some advice or pointers? "Talking2minds" have tried to paste link but won't let me.

I think pp who say about the oxygen mask analogy are right and you really need to make sure you are not burning out.

I think in this instance you should keep your ignorant, unhelpful suggestion to yourself

Why would you think that?

What a tragic and difficult situation, I feel for you and echo trying to get help sooner. I would push the military to do more, they've surely got a duty of care?

He's an adult, he needs to seek help himself.

Whilst he clearly has awful MH difficulties and needs and deserves help, some of what he is saying to you cannot be excused by that I don’t think.
Blaming you and suggesting you are the reason he has no money etc when the opposite is patently true and you are propping up the entire household emotionally and financially is cruel and not acceptable.
I think when someone has severe mental illness then it can lead to a situation of somehow expectation that their partner will accept it and ignore it but that’s impossible to do indefintely and will make you ill too.

i think I’d want an agreement with him that he stops that form of verbal and emotional abuse. That you need to be a team and if he going to actively hurt you then you can’t and won’t stay.
I would want to see him engaging in what help is available and at the very least being appreciative of your household efforts even if he can’t always find the energy to help practically.
do you have any form of bolt hole or escapism? Hobby/good friend to see etc? You need that.

sending you huge strength. You sound amazing.

Do it for yourself and for your children. My Dad was depressed and so much was projected on to me growing up, to convince my parents that the family was functioning. It wasn't. I was the pack mule for everything they denied. I've had therapy twice, two rounds of about 4k a piece, not there yet, still recovering. Although i hold down a job etc.

Break up, and start again.

"I can’t tell him how unhappy I am without risking him threatening to kill himself again."

Don't respond to this, he is using it as manupulation, whether consciously or not. If he says things like this, tell him you'll be phoning the police and/or dropping him off to A&E and he can say at the desk he can't keep himself safe, will kill himself and then he can get the help he needs there (he will most likely back down, if he doesn't, and genuinely has a plan/knows how he is going to kill himself, then that is more serious and obviously the gp/crisis team/charities are better for him)

Can he try and do a structured return to work or go very part time? He definitely needs routine. Can he access counselling through work, some workplaces offer that.
EMDR and trauma therapy is quite good especially for family based childhood trauma.

To me it sounds like he has learned awful communication and manipulation behaviours from his family - presumably why NC now - and has childhood trauma. That's very sad, and I sound very cold, but you can only support so much, your first priority is your children x

To be fair he could be both depressed AND a lazy prick.
Its like Hamlet isn’t it? Was he ill or was it an excuse for his behaviour or was it both?
People with MH issues can be nasty, lazy etc, it doesn’t given them a get out of jail free card to treat people like crap

I would tell him to leave. Life's hard enough without his kind of shit. Sorry. I'm low on sympathy but it'll break you and the marriage. And staying won't help anyone.

Your situation is awful, and so is his.

Him:
This book here is good. It goes through the therapy that worked for me in 2018, breaking through a lifetime of depression. You have to put the work in, though. Your wife can't do it for you.

You:
Mental shift. You are not responsible for what has happened to him. You can't carry the whole family/admin load alone.

What can he do, in his present state? Can he do housework, make beds, tidy the garden? Offload anything simple and practical that you can, onto him. Doing something, tiny achievements, will make him feel better and will free you up for the more scary things like dealing with bills. Tell him 'I can't do everything alone. I need you to do the washing up now so I can look at the accounts.' It's easier to do a job if someone else needs you to do it, than to motivate yourself.

If it comes to the point where you have to leave him, then do it. At the moment he hasn't been broken for long. Waiting lists are excruciating (ask him to chase up where he is on the list for therapy - they take you off the list without telling you, it's happened to me several times). Therapy could mend him. Might be worth a go. But don't you take responsibility for that - he has to do it himself.

Hi OP,

If military please say he’s RAF - if so call RAFA they have an amazing MH service and all you need to do is have received 1 days pay to qualify (past or present).
If not I would 100% call them anyway because they can probably signpost you to similar for his service.
rafa.org.uk/get-support/support/?eid=SmFJLSugs%2FXw4FAAiLpYCovhK%2FP2TS3zlIcKdqE0Q6fYCCnqtiEPBu%2FEyLt71LFLMx3gPZtt9q1JL4hkCAZYIUD1Dge2EN845oojf3cvxtTnIQc8TQ%3D%3D

I pay privately for CBT and just found a local guy, I book when I need to now. Not regular. And use online CBT tools.

My hubby has periods of depression too. I try to give him as much headspace as possible (with 2 kids). He finds work good for him because of the structure and using his mind for other stuff. Holidays are harder for him.
It comes in peaks and troughs.
He supported me through a bad patch of depression just before #2 was born and tbh I’m anxious a lot so that’s been most of our time together too.

I’d rather he stayed and I remind him everyday of how amazing he is and how much we love him. (I guess my anxiety leads me to places where he might think he was a burden and relieving us of that burden).

Its tricky because he feels guilty for not being so good at times and really it’s all in his head - as in we don’t feel bad that he’s down etc.

Can you get help with things like cleaning too? Even if it’s just once a fortnight/month and in between just keep stuff tidy-ish. I find keeping stuff behind doors or in boxes calmer than on display so just add in some big storage boxes if needed.

Hope he feels better soon.

I'm all for listening and supporting your partner. Shouldering the responsibilities while they try and make positive changes etc.

But pretty soon you will end up in a worse state than him. And with your health and young children to consider it's time that you got selfish I'm afraid.

Of course you're doing all the right things, anyone would. But essentially you're enabling this behaviour.

He does sound manipulative - using his mental health as a weapon to keep you doing all the hard work and taking the blame and that's not ok.

I say this as a person to proactively planned to end their own life a few years ago. With three children at home. Even at my darkest moments I had set up funds for the kids, ensured they were taken care of. Even washed and ironed their uniform, ordered weeks of food shopping, cleaned the house, so that in the early weeks it was all taken care of.

I was in the darkest depths of hell but I sure as shit didn't threaten it upon someone else to get what I wanted. Someone no doubt will come along and say "yea but you're not him" and people reach differently but bottom line is, if he had any respect for you he wouldn't be treating you like this - trauma or not.

Put yourself first - tell him it's time to get things in place or he will have to go. If he threatens suicide then you call the crisis team/ambulance etc and maybe that'll set the wheels for further intervention, or a wake up call.

Genuinely, thank you all for taking the time to signpost/ share your experience and advice. I suppose since he’s already under the care of the mental health team we just haven’t really thought about reaching out to charities/ private counselling. But clearly whatever they’re doing is not working and the waitlist for the psychologist is long so I’ll get him to reach out to see what other options are out there.

He’s not completely useless around the house and does do the mood diary/ having small goals thing. He’s on shared parental leave atm so takes care of the baby during the day (besides feeding) and goes to baby class etc… our eldest (the one he struggles to cope with) goes to nursery full time. I didn’t share this earlier because it’s very identifying.

Things are better than a few months ago (the meds helped massively). I think with the suicide risk thing half of it might be me tiptoeing around him. Because the first time it happened it was just so out of the blue with no apparent trigger and I’m just scared anything I do will trigger him again.

I do have some friends here but unfortunately my two best friends here have been through depression themselves so their advice is a bit skewed.

I’m not at a stage I’m considering separating yet because I wouldn’t want to stay in the UK if we do split. And I can’t bare the thought of fighting for international custody (at the moment anyway).

Thank you all, you’ve really made me feel a lot less alone in all this. It’s given me a kick up the butt to go talk to him about how I feel and to get him to go back to his mental health team to chase/ seek other options because atm it’s just not working.

I also have a depressed partner so I can understand what you're going through. As others have said you must get as much help as possible. My husband has an excellent telephone counsellor that we just found by reading CVs on Google. You really must take time for yourself and follow your own interests . You mustn't let him drag you down . The depressed person seems to want company in their misery . You must have your own health as priority especially for your children. No answers I know but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone there must be so many of us in this same situation. Take care .

Have you spoken to Combat Stress? - they work for forces personal in the field of mental health.

SSAFFA also offer help. Also head-up.co.uk - a newish organisation.

All these are aimed at those in the forces, or veterans. He does not have to suffer under poor services - they can help.