So over my depressed husband

[tiredplus]

We’ve been together 10 years, married for 4 and have two very young kids together. My husband has had a rough childhood but has done well to make a decent life for himself and for us. I had some major medical issues related to my second pregnancy and my husband just couldn’t cope with it, fearing that me and the baby would die and he’ll have to raise our eldest alone. Basically that broke him, he’s just been a shell of himself since and threatened to kill himself a few times because he’s ‘just useless so might as well not be here’.

That was about 9 months ago, he’s on antidepressants now but still awaiting CBT/ some kind of therapy. The drugs have helped but he’s just been so snappy at me and the kids, everything I asked him to do is just ‘it’s just too much for me’ or ‘I’m too useless for this and can’t do it’. He’s just so unpleasant to live with and basically blamed me for everything and told me I’m the reason he’s poor (I pay 50/50 in everything and I own most of the house as well. It’s the fact that we now have two kids and I’ve been on two lots of mat leave and the inflation that makes finances much tighter).

He’s been off work for most of this time with a few periods where he returned part time (thankfully his employer has a very generous sickness policy). He might get sacked next year because of all this which isn’t helping his mental health.

So here’s me, slowly getting over two episodes of life threatening health issues, breastfeeding our six month old, working full time now to help out with finance, still doing all the cooking and general life admin (because it stresses him out) whilst he’s off. I’m basically picking up all the pieces and I’m just so tired. I still care about him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I am just so over him telling me daily how life is so difficult for him whilst I’m picking up all the pieces. I can’t tell him how unhappy I am without risking him threatening to kill himself again. We have no support here (my family is overseas and we are NC with his family) and I just feel like there’s no end to this. I’m hoping with some therapy he’ll be back to the man I fell in love with many years ago, but the waitlist is huge and I just feel so stuck and so tired. On a day to day basis we get on ok but I just don’t have capacity to take on his depression anymore. My focus is to make sure the kids are ok and happy.

Just want to vent and would so welcome any advice to get through this.

And help you too of course.

Hey I saw your post about 1 year later. Lol..i am in a similar situation. Not only i have to work my own job and assist my husband in his job. He is so depressed. Im also acting as if im his therapist. I always promote him , try to give him confidence and being positive whilst myself are so low due to financial stress. I also have to pretend happy in front of my kids. Money is the issue and root of all fears. I feel doomed every morning but have to have a happy face for my husband. This is so hard

@Niv2023 - you really need to start your own thread if you want any responses, and not resurrect a zombie thread.

If you have any time to read (during commute) etc I would recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk book.

got it, Thanks

This! Sorry OP but ital sounds too convenient to me. Life's got hard and now it's all on you. I'm sure he is depressed but he has two children and a poorly wife to look after. You count too. Explain that you need him to either step up or at least stop making things harder. Your priority is your children.

Just wondering if doing things together could help build confidence and your relationship. So rather than you cooking tea. You do it together. Even if he just peels the carrots, something simple so he doesn’t feel over faced. Get some togetherness going on. Put his favourite or your favourite music on. I think it would help you both.
go for a walk with the kids. Let him know the appreciation for what he does do. Men need to hear appreciation.
sounds really really awful what you are going through and I really hope you see the light soon.
finally, there is a form of private healthcare that you can get and it is cheap. Benenden. With this you can get help for mental health. It’s worth having alongside the military help assuming you are Uk.

If your DH had a physical illness which was making him suffer and for which he was waiting for treatment and you knew that going privately would make him better then presumably you'd do that? So perhaps if you can afford it, you should see what help you can get him so he doesn't need to wait so long?

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!!!

Yes you are absolutely right. I had a break down 23 years ago when I would have been about 43. Since that time I have been less able to take the strain of 'normal' life. When I feel overwhelmed is when I express suicidal thoughts and wanting to act. I do have a CPN now who helps me to recognise all of my issues and deal with them. Perhaps the poster, together with her husband, needs to consider a completely different way of life. This would need to be when he is more well though.

Next time this man threatens suicide or even mentions it or says he'd be better off out of it all, etc, more than once in the space of a few days, call for an ambulance. Tell the dispatcher your husband is severely depressed and is talking of suicide.

He can be triaged at A&E, and you will send him the clear message that you are not going to carry that burden. If he refuses to go to the hospital, you need to make it clear to him that the alternative is him sleeping on a park bench for the foreseeable.

A year on .... ZOMBIE....

but I so wonder how things worked out for you, op?

depression is like a poison that spreads, he needs to be on his own for awhile
stay with a friend or something

ZOMBIE THREAD...

That would be hard. My husband is like my child. With all his flaws and problems, I can't bear to see him suffer. He is my family. I can't help but sacrificing myself for his life. I'll do whatever I need to do to help him. If I don't, who is gonna help him. He is a very good father . A good son. He just can't handle what life throws at him. Being a man is so hard. Im actually worried about my son.

A bit weird having this thread resurrected. Reading back how I felt when I was at my lowest, I’m very pleased to update that things are now much better for me and my husband.

He’s a lot better now and nearly back to what he was after some help from mental health professionals, he’s actually just about to start tapering down his anti depressants. He’s back to being a present father and helpful in the house again.

I’m at a much better place too, having gone back to work for a bit now and settling back into normal life.

Our relationship isn’t quite as light and easy as before but I feel like we got through this rough phase and I feel like we’ve both grown up a lot as well.

Just want to give this update for those who find themselves in the same situation, I hope it gets better for you as well

That's such a positive update, op. Pleased to hear things have improved a lot

Are you happy?

Most days, yes. But I feel like a different version of myself now. Older, more settled and tired. Probably with a bit more compassion than before