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Original poster

In a creepy situation

75 replies

OldFan · 22/09/2022 11:52

My best friend (ex partner) is experiencing issues with a gang (I've seen them, so I know it's real.)

After one of the incidents, I felt I had to come and stay at his place for moral support (I did volunteer to do this without him asking, to be fair.)

He has a disability, which is part of why the gang are targeting him a bit more than other people.

I get that he has a disability, but I don't think most men would put a woman in this position if it could be helped. After all, there's nothing I can do if they break in while we're asleep or whatever.

Psychologically, he doesn't want to leave the flat empty as he doesn't like the thought of them breaking in (which they would do if the place was empty.) I've said to him that he can move over to mine while he waits for a move by the council (he will get some medical points so it wouldn't take as long to get a move as the average person.) I have room for all his stuff. We already moved over anything of financial or sentimental value.

I just am a bit resentful that he's 'making' me stay here when he has that option.

It's council so he can't easily just move flats. With his disability, he wants to apply for sheltered housing as it would have more security, so he doesn't get the same issues again.

I'm just letting off steam really.

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 22/09/2022 11:56

Has he contacted the police? This is a serious matter.

Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 12:02

Yes, but the police are pretty hopeless in our experience. Did nothing when they threatened to kill him (he'd done nothing at all to them.) Usually the gang/individuals are gone before the police arrive.

OP posts:
TangoTizer · 22/09/2022 12:02

He should contact the police. Gangs targeting disabled people and their flats is a common issue. He shouldn’t be driven out of his home.

BluebellsRoses · 22/09/2022 12:07

Sorry about the tough situation OP.

I agree about the police. Bullying can escalate dangerously.

Maybe he could notify the Council/Housing Association (whomever manages the flat) that he is moving out due to the issue; and that he thinks the flat will be broken into when he leaves. Even just for insurance reasons, that organisation should take some steps to protect the flat.

I also think that if you feel vulnerable (it sounds like you do) and resentful about staying with him then you should just go back to your flat and let him make the choice to come and stay with you. It sounds like that is safer, and he is more likely to go if you go maybe? At the end of the day, stuff is replaceable and people aren't - it is worth encouraging him prioritise accordingly perhaps?

Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 12:15

We have contacted the police, many times. He gets me to handle most involvement with them now.

Maybe he could notify the Council/Housing Association (whomever manages the flat) that he is moving out due to the issue

Unfortunately, it would count as making himself intentionally homeless. If he did come to ours we couldn't tell the council. He would still pop in every other day to fetch mail, so would be keeping an eye on the place.

At the end of the day, stuff is replaceable and people aren't - it is worth encouraging him prioritise accordingly perhaps?

I agree, but it's a psychological hangup he has, that he doesn't like the idea of something that's kind of his, being broken into.

In a way it's useful to stay here (though I don't think he's thought of this) as the more stuff happens, the more he stands a chance of the police making the council move him immediately for his own safety (this is very, very rare and they won't at the moment.) But of course this is a risky thing to do.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 22/09/2022 12:18

Contact the police and insist that you are taken seriously. Also, nobody should be "making" you stay anywhere you don't want to. Ask for help, it doesnt' sound like you can deal with this alone.

YukoandHiro · 22/09/2022 12:22

If he's vulnerable get social services involved too.
It's not really an AIBU. You are within your rights to say no. You can ask him to seek other support.

NippyWoowoo · 22/09/2022 12:23

You say this:

I felt I had to come and stay at his place for moral support (I did volunteer to do this without him asking, to be fair.)

But then you say this:
I don't think most men would put a woman in this position if it could be helped.

And

I just am a bit resentful that he's 'making' me stay here when he has that option.

Which is it? And why hasn't he contacted the police?

NippyWoowoo · 22/09/2022 12:24

Sorry I typed this before the police response but forgot into hit send

CPL593H · 22/09/2022 12:24

I'd suggest a very full and detailed written account of all that has happened be sent to the Police/his GP/Adult Social Care (because he has a disability) asking for their input to get him prioritised for a move and in the case of the police, to take this more seriously. Copies to MP and local councillor.

TBH OP I think this is a risky situation for you both from your description. His psychological issues don't trump your personal safety.

Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 12:25

We have contacted the police many times...We have contacted the police many times...We have contacted the police many times. x

If he's vulnerable get social services involved too.

I have, they won't do anything. Sad They say it's not for them but for the police to deal with (ha!) or his medical professionals to write a letter to support his housing application so he hopefully gets more points and can move a bit faster. We're waiting on these letters now.

OP posts:
MarieC59 · 22/09/2022 12:31

It sounds like a difficult situation, I can understand his reticence in moving though, without anywhere permanent to call his own, and like you say he feels that staying there can provide him with more information. I especially hate this kind of intimidation and bullying, it just shows how amoral some people can be. How long has this been going on? Does he have security measures in place? Would he continue to stay there on his own?

CPL593H · 22/09/2022 12:31

I'm not disputing that you have contacted the police, but you are saying that they are not taking it seriously, hence it should be in writing and directed to a higher level than whoever has been dealing thus far. Put in an official complaint if you have to. Same with the council, same with social care.

Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 12:31

in the case of the police, to take this more seriously

There's nothing more we can do at this stage, we've emphasised how serious it is as much as anyone could.

@CPL593H Thanks. Yes, we've spoken to all of those and am going to submit medical letters with his housing application.

@NippyWoowoo I volunteered but I think he should've said no. Also, as I've now spelled out that he could move to mine, it makes me more resentful that he has a choice, but is still staying here.

TBH OP I think this is a risky situation for you both from your description. His psychological issues don't trump your personal safety.

I agree.

OP posts:
PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 12:32

Hi. Sounds like you're putting yourself in harm's way so that he can feel better about the place not being empty (while yours is, I assume).

Personally, I'd tell him to move out to yours and if he refuses, I'd move out anyway. You're going above and beyond in helping him and he's got to give on his side, which he isn't.

So tell him you don't feel safe there, you're moving out next week, you're happy for him to come with you, but if not, that's on him. It's not like it's even his house they could potentially trash and he's just waiting for a new place.

YoSofi · 22/09/2022 12:33

Social services should pick this up on account of him being vulnerable and at risk of exploitation. Contact them again.

If the police aren’t dealing with it, complain and put it all in writing.

The more agencies involved the better.

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 12:34

Actually, to be very honest, I'd say "look, I sympathize, but this isn't my problem" and I'd move out and leave him to it, but that's me. He's an ex for a reason and needs to move on.

Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 12:40

It sounds like a difficult situation, I can understand his reticence in moving though, without anywhere permanent to call his own

I'm not suggesting that he officially leaves his flat in a way the council would know about. We would still be popping in/checking on the doors etc every couple of days to see the state of play.

Does he have security measures in place? Would he continue to stay there on his own?

Yes, several security measures. He bought a ring doorbell as part of the measures, but one of them smashed it with a hammer at 7.30 am. The person had their face covered.

@CPL593H I have stressed to the police how serious it is. Unfortunately there's a bureaucracy/protocol with all the agencies and they don't consider it serious enough yet (despite the gang threatening to kill him.). In our experience it just annoys systems if you complain, and they become less supportive rather than more so.

OP posts:
Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 12:44

Social services should pick this up on account of him being vulnerable and at risk of exploitation. Contact them again.

I contacted safeguarding plus general adult services. For them that's things like him being exploited by a carer etc. Or if they were in some manipulative way getting money off them. They see it as a police or medical issue and rightly say that the best way to handle it is getting his doctor and consultant to back up a move (which they will) and of course carry on reporting any incidents to the police.

OP posts:
WolverineBluey · 22/09/2022 12:48

If it's a HA property they will take this seriously and should likely have a specialist ASB team to help? Appreciate you may have tried this but that's my sector, and I really would have thought help was available rather than just letting him be hounded out.

Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 13:48

If it's a HA property they will take this seriously and should likely have a specialist ASB team to help?

It's council and no they don't take it seriously/view it as their responsibility yet. I doubt HA will either.

Council say they 'have a protocol' and they will only emergency move a person in this situation if the police send them a certain form saying they consider it Tier One due to the level of danger. The police are still deciding on this but it's very unlikely that they will at this juncture. If you think about it, the council can't easily move people due to them experiencing ASB/crime or they'd have to be moving thousands of people all the time. So they have bureaucracy about how they do it and it's virtually unheard of- I've only ever known one person who had it and her abusive ex was part of a major criminal family group.

Medical points are our best bet.

OP posts:
Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 13:52

If it's a HA property they will take this seriously and should likely have a specialist ASB team to help?

I don't know if the police 100% know who the gang are for their families to face any potential eviction etc from them, or any other measures.

Disturbingly, it's partly people in their early teens, but what they're doing (holding people up at knifepoint (the pizza guy!) or threatening people, attempted break-ins, destruction of property etc is very serious.

OP posts:
ShaneTwane · 22/09/2022 13:54

You said you chose to move in and he didn't ask but now you're resentful he is making you stay?

This is common. You can move out any time you want. He needs the police, social services and the council to move him so needs to keep on at them.

Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 13:55

It takes years for council/HA to agree to move major ASB/crime people. We had a previous neighbour who was dodgy, who numerous neighbours were attempting to get moved out. It happened eventually but it took a very long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
OldFan · 22/09/2022 13:57

This is common. You can move out any time you want.

Me or my ex? He definitely can't get a new place whenever he wants. That it's common is exactly why authorities don't act to move victims in most instances.

OP posts: