In a creepy situation

[OldFan]

My best friend (ex partner) is experiencing issues with a gang (I've seen them, so I know it's real.)

After one of the incidents, I felt I had to come and stay at his place for moral support (I did volunteer to do this without him asking, to be fair.)

He has a disability, which is part of why the gang are targeting him a bit more than other people.

I get that he has a disability, but I don't think most men would put a woman in this position if it could be helped. After all, there's nothing I can do if they break in while we're asleep or whatever.

Psychologically, he doesn't want to leave the flat empty as he doesn't like the thought of them breaking in (which they would do if the place was empty.) I've said to him that he can move over to mine while he waits for a move by the council (he will get some medical points so it wouldn't take as long to get a move as the average person.) I have room for all his stuff. We already moved over anything of financial or sentimental value.

I just am a bit resentful that he's 'making' me stay here when he has that option.

It's council so he can't easily just move flats. With his disability, he wants to apply for sheltered housing as it would have more security, so he doesn't get the same issues again.

I'm just letting off steam really.

Matthew 10:16
'Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.'

As a Christian, you are to thoughtfully analyse each situation on its own merit according to scripture. Laying down your life for a friend does not refer to supporting someone who is making a decision to put themselves in harm's way. You can support your friend without putting yourself in danger, by continuing to signpost them to the correct agencies. Have you got a family of your own, OP?

May I just point out that that this is not correct “”Unfortunately, it would count as making himself intentionally homeless. If he did come to ours we couldn't tell the council.””

if he can’t stay at his home for to fear or violence but says he has intention to return , he is not classed as intentional homeless.

Quite right. Council tenants can be away from their property for up to three months at a time before they need to notify the council. We found this out when the local cannabis factory got raided. The housing office told us they couldn't consider the property abandoned until the tenant had been AWOL for over 3 months without contacting them. As soon as that time passed they went to court and repossessed the property for abandonment.

He isn't homeless. The rest of your advice is also not correct.

surely you mean allowed to stay away if they’re notified. Otherwise rent won’t be paid by benefits on an empty property and abandoned property procedure would commence if the housing became aware it was empty , meaning steps would commence to get the property back as they’d assume you’d just left

I don't want to worry you but 8 have a supporting letter from social services and I'm in the highest band for medical points, the waiting list is still years.

@LuckyLil We're lucky enough to be in an area where there's more social housing than in most areas. When I was homeless I got a permanent place within two months, for instance. He's been offered a move due to safety from death (not just his housing being unsuitable) now, so it'll be a couple of months probably, if he actually takes that opportunity.

As you've found, all tier 1 gets is emergency bed and breakfast, not a new property.

It is emergency B&B (or something more suitable due to his having organ failure etc and being nearly 60) but they tend to stay about 2 weeks in a B&B and then get a temporary flat. Then they bid on the properties and are allocated them based on need.

If he refuses bed and breakfast then what exactly is he expecting, a straight swap to a new flat? Tell him that isn't going to happen and he either needs to take the bed and breakfast or he'll be stuck there for years waiting for a flat.

They have places they put people in who are homeless but for whom B&B would be unsuitable. So we'll see what happens. Or within a couple of weeks the person can get a temporary flat for themselves. I've even said I'd pay for a basic hotel near where he really wants/needs to be for the treatment he has three times a week. After treatment he struggles to drive very far at all. He can do it but it's quite hard for him. Mine is about 30 mins from where he has his treatment, more if it's trafficy.

As regards him turning down the council B&B once, that was based on him not feeling well enough to do that on Friday night after his treatment. So I don't think they can penalise him for that. They accepted it. But it'dve been nice if they had got back to us over the weekend to discuss options. Anything more complex than B&B would've probably had to wait till monday anyway I suppose.

You keep saying you offered to stay but expected him to decline the offer. Why did you offer then?

@saveforthat Because I thought I should. I said I would come over.

There's no point complaining when it's him who doesn't want the assistance the council have offered.

I know, a move on this basis is like gold dust. It annoys me how he's being about it. But hopefully they can get him in somewhere more suitable temporarily.
--
His heart rate has gone really high due to the stress. He has some heart issues. I hope he doesn't have a stroke or anything.

Under these circs they will allow him to live somewhere safe ie yours

I'm worried the council might use it as an excuse to not move as quickly if we do that, now.

Have you got a family of your own, OP?

No, it didn't happen for me. Or I wouldn't have the time for all this.

surely you mean allowed to stay away if they’re notified.

@The4teddybears The PP is kind of right. Though of course if he officially vacates his flat that's different. In our area someone can actually be away from their flat for an indefinite amount of time (though they did try and say I wasn't living at mine one time, and they didn't like that, but they were suspicious about that for extraordinary reasons of an issue with the block so they had to get into my flat, then they spied in the fridge, maybe because I didn't have much furniture.

They like people to let them know if they're somewhere else for a month or so or something (though not if they move out entirely.) But there is no requirement and no specific length of time.

His refusal to sort stuff out by chatting to housing etc much is annoying. There's not much I can do as they won't talk to me without authorization from him every time and he doesn't even want that level of involvement due to the stress and its effect on his heart rate etc. I suppose there's probably an appointee form we can fill in- I've done that for other stuff in the past for my uncle.

I appreciate he seems close to cracking up, but twice I've told him that to be given the opportunity to immediately move from this situation to somewhere safer is like gold. There must be dozens of people living on this estate for which this'd be a dream come true.

I understand that he'd want any temporary accom to be fairly near where he has his treatment.

Hey ho, this is not forever. Hopefully it'll all get sorted without him having a stroke or something.

Bless you, @OldFan, what a beautiful thing you are doing supporting your friend. I hope the situation resolves itself quickly. He is lucky to have someone with your knowledge and experience of housing.

If you got into Christianity recently, could you try talking to your church? They may well have links to charities or support services, and have dealt with situations like this before. I know my local church does a huge amount of outreach and social support.

Of course, if they don't, you might want to question why the church is telling you to support others, make sacrifices without doing anything to help! But a mainstream church would probably be able to make suggestions.

You could also try getting him to contact his MP. They do casework and LAs often move faster with an MP chasing them.

@slightlyatsea Hopefully it'll get sorted out soon now the council've acknowledged he needs to move quickly. Depending how much he goes along with it. 😩

Ooh that's a good idea, will ask Church. I know there's at least one Catholic unit for the homeless here, but it has about 4 clients at once or something.

Housing rang him today. They are going to try and move him directly to a more permanent place rather than temporary accomodation. 😮😀 So I imagine that'll be a few weeks, or however long it takes for him to see one he's happy with on the website.

(We're in Birmingham, so we probably have the biggest housing stock in the country.)

Well, one of the biggest.

His tenancy on his new place officially starts tomorrow He's taking a couple of weeks to get it set up before he moves in.

Thanks for the update, OP. That’s great news.

Great news. You must both be so relieved. Good on you for helping, you’re a gem. I hope you feel enormous satisfaction you saw it through to the end with a happy and fairly swift ending.

This is a disability hate crime. These links have information on reporting

www.disabilityrightsuk.org/how-we-can-help/advice-and-information/disability-hate-crime

www.report-it.org.uk/disability_hate_crime

Oh wow yes that does sound serious . I think for both of you , your personal safety and well being far outweighs any material goods . I understand he’s worried out the damage but I think get out anything else , talk to the police and both of you stay elsewhere if possible

Everything you're doing makes it less likely he'll be offered another place - do you fancy him living with you but not officially living with you for 17 years? It's what the wait was for a disabled accessible place where I lived, as people who were homeless got vacant properties first - those who already had somewhere to live weren't as high priority (understandably so) and after a length of time, him not sleeping at his flat would mean it would be taken back and he'd be deemed to be living with you and adequately housed. Oh, and your benefits would likely be assessed as a couple.

The offer of B&B was recognising he was technically homeless, but he's turned his nose up at what would make it possible for him to be quickly offered an alternative place. He could well have made it possible for the council to say they've discharged their responsibility towards him - because when they tried to help, he refused because it wasn't good enough; when if it's truly that unsafe, the council would argue that surely he would have accepted.

In short, you need to step away so that he can access - and has no choice about it - the help he is being offered.

Ignore this. The app hadn't shown all the posts.

He was moved quickly because people were threatening to kill him so his old place wasn't safe for risk of death by knifing at any time. So he was effectively homeless as his old place was no longer safe to live in, in a way that was violence. Because of his disability they were doing more stuff towards him than other people, so it was counted as a hate crime. It wasn't a move based on his house not having the right adaptations or anything like that. It was counted as the highest possible priority as otherwise they would've been leaving someone to be potentially killed and would've been utterly slated if anything had happened to him. It was a police level of priority.

In our area we're blessed that there's a relatively large amount of council housing. If people have no priority at all they maybe get a council house within a year and a half.

But even so, I'm pretty impresed at how it was handled.

Maybe he could notify the Council/Housing Association (whomever manages the flat) that he is moving out due to the issue; and that he thinks the flat will be broken into when he leaves. Even just for insurance reasons, that organisation should take some steps to protect the flat.

What they'll do is deem him to have abandoned it, terminate his tenancy on those grounds and let it to someone else.

OP he needs to stay there the majority of the nights per week. He needs to contact police every time something happens, regardless of how useless they are it builds a case for him to be moved by the council. Or he moves in with you, that's his new permanent address and he goes back on the waiting list for a council property like everyone else who wants one. The alternative is private rental. It's not an easy decision to make, and it depends on how much you're willing to help him. Depending on location, he could be waiting years for a suitable council property, whether he stays in his home or moves into yours. There's no ideal solution. He could face needing to be physically attacked repeatedly before anyone official takes notice. It's a shit world we live in.

What would happen if you just went home and refused to stay any more? It doesn’t sound like he is coercing or controlling you, it sounds like you’ve volunteered so I don’t know why you are blaming him? As an adult you should be capable of saying no.

Furthermore, if the house is dangerous for both of you to be in and if he is refusing to get things sorted it sounds like by staying with him you’re just enabling him, it doesn’t sound like by being a martyr you’re actually helping the situation. Go home. Tell him that he is welcome to join you if he wants but refuse to keep enabling him to feel a false sense of security at home by having you there with him, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is stop making a bad situation comfortable and force them to act on it. As long as you are in his house you make a difficult situation tolerable enough he takes no action to solve it, so step back a bit. You’ll likely find if you stop staying with him he will have no choice but to get onto the council.

It's kind of sorted now but still very hard as he's very down/stressed and I don't like being around that as I had enough of it from my dad as a child.

We had a car crash (no injuries, just frightening and we're having to use a courtesy car etc.) So that hasn't helped.

You're taking responsibility for him but he's not your responsibility. So it's ok for you to stop doing that. Decide how much help you want to and can give, how much you're willing to be around his negativity and say no to the rest of the time. You're even talking like you're still together all the "we" and talking like you've a shared car, there is no "we" it's you and him separate. You say he's your ex, did you ever have a clean break to properly disengage from him/his life/shared life and get over the loss of the relationship before becoming friends? Because it sounds like you didn't and you need to.