Ending it tonight - strength please

[Lieslies]

I'm plucking up the strength to end it with, let's call him D for dickhead tonight.

He's cheated on me. He's sorry but not done anything I asked over the last 4 weeks since I found out, if it was hard or uncomfortable for him. . Plenty of DARVO. I've looked at Chump lady, which helps, especially around trying to figure out the why (he says he doesn't know). She's right, it's simple, he had the opportunity and he found it enjoyable.

This is hard. I do still feelings for him. I face starting all over again in mid 50s. When I retire I'll be very hard up on my own. This is scary.

Sending strength. Your future with him would be way, way worse. It would corrode your well being and self esteem, make you absolutely miserable. Leaving him opens up so many avenues for self respect and new possibilities.

You can do it!

I'll have to move as we rent and neither of us can afford to live here alone. I have no strong roots anywhere and don't know where to go.

If you don't have to be anywhere specific and don't have particular family to move near to then perhaps look to move in-line with your interests? I love to walk and to sail so would like to be near the coast. I can't afford Cornwall but would be happy with the North Welsh coast or Yorkshire.

As for splitting up - it's hard and scary but ultimately for the best. You can do this!

It is scary OP but the reality it that it is incredibly difficult to move past a partner cheating or having an affair.

of course it happens but it’s rare, the options are usually plod along basically unhappy and resentful but trying to keep up the pretence that it’ll get better (this could go on years) or have a very up and down relationship that ends up fully toxic because you’re not able to process your anger or really genuinely forgive him and get past what he has done.

Neither of those scenarios are appealing. It is far more appealing to have respect and love for yourself, choosing to be alone over being lied to and cheated on / disrespected.

It comes down to one thing really for me - it doesn’t matter why he did it. Nothing will ever make you say “Oh ok I understand it now and you were completely right to cheat on me!” - there is no reason in the world to justify the disrespect that cheating on a long term partner shows. It doesn’t matter why he did it - he did. And you can’t undo it. You won’t likely get past it. So the only option is to move on separately.

you’ll be ok, it’s the right thing. Short term pain for long term gain!

I feel for you, OP. I firmly believe you would be happier by far living alone than with a man who cheats and undermines your self-esteem by showing you no respect. But it can be a frightening prospect.

So try to see the opportunities you're being given here. Does your work tie you to the area you're living in now? If so, are there other work opportunities somewhere you'd like to live?

If you're not tied by a job, you have the chance to choose a place you've always wanted to live, or do lots of research to find somewhere you'd like to make a new start. Seaside? Country? Big city? Do you have friends or family somewhere, and want to live near them (if they're quite settled there, and not likely to move soon)?

Have you got a pet? If not, could you adopt one? My cats were wonderful companions when I was single. Other people find taking a dog for walks helps them become part of a local community - great way of making friends.

And of course, without this cheating, gaslighting man bringing you down, you may well meet someone who makes you happier.

Best of luck, OP. Remember that if he cheats on you now, he's likely to keep doing it. So if you were relying on this unreliable man for company in retirement, you'd probably end up alone anyway.

Thank you. You are all right.

I still feel sick and want to cry, even though I know it's no longer the reality of D I'll miss.

I did post in Chat for suggestions of where to live. I got one helpful reply but that was it.

Thinking of you 💪

He's home. I'm hiding in the bath.

He's cheated on me. He's sorry but not done anything I asked over the
last 4 weeks since I found out, if it was hard or uncomfortable for him

What has he not done that you asked of him?

Does he want to remain with you, has there been no reassurances or regret?

Sometimes we are left with no other options when someone hurts us and has no remorse. He's backing you into a corner and obviously you need to protect yourself at the moment and I hope you can find some financial way of cutting ties with him.

So very difficult for many people when money is tight and the battle ahead is going to be one with an unreasonable, entitled git.
I'm very sorry he did this at this time in your life, very cruel, unkind and very disloyal.

One day he may regret this but it appears he is clueless to the destruction he will have caused, some people learn the hard way, I wish you well., look after yourself and just think of you, no longer will you have to do a single thing for this man.

Twat.
.

I am you, but two years further on. Aged 56 and in the middle of selling the family home from which I can use some of the proceeds to start again. We've found a way to stay friends but I no longer trust him after he cheated. It took a long time to stop loving him and wanting him to love me again but eventually that feeling fades .... and it is so liberating! Yes I will be poorer but I'm strong and independent and rediscovering what I want in life. I'd forgotten. Wishing you loads of luck. It gets better.

Sending you lots of strength OP you are doing the right thing - respecting yourself. I’d go and live by the seaside if I were you. Suffolk is lovely! Look after yourself.

Sending you strength OP.

Today is the beginning of the rest of your life 🥂

Places to live? Depends what you like of course but Berwick upon Tweed is gorgeous and not too expensive. Or Barnard Castle. Would you like a small town or a city? Glasgow is very friendly, Leeds has its charms?
Better to leave him now than live a life wondering if/when he’ll do it again. Good luck 💐 and 🍰

Breaking up is always hard to do, but I would think living with someone who you know has cheated on you would be even harder.

You've got this!

Have a hand hold from me Op, he's cheated but he isn't sorry so you have few optons now. Pick up your dignity and leave him. Better days are waiting for you

You can do it. One day at a time. I'm 53 and found out 18 months ago my partner of 15 years was cheating. Yes I was devastated, yes he followed the typical script, blamed everyone but himself, lied to keep his foot in the door. Best thing is did was ending it. Happy as I am. New job an ex have to work full time but hey ho I enjoy it. Make as list of 10 things that you would like for where you move to next and choose somewhere based on that!

I'm going through this too at the moment OP. It's so hard to stay strong when the easiest option is to stay put. Like you, I know it's over but the thought of being alone again makes me feel physically ill.

You've got this. You're worth so much more than he's prepared to give. Good luck 💐

Where do you fancy living? What's your budget? The north west coast around Morecambe bay is gorgeous and affordable

Sending hugs OP. Many of us have been in same shoes and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.”
Diane Von Furstenberg

I caved, slightly, in that he's got a stay of execution till tonight.

We talked. Or actually, for the first time I got to talk while he shut up and listened without DARVO shit. I got to be angry, and upset, without being shut down. I talked about the affair, and about how he's been acting for 4 weeks. I talked about the 4 things he didn't do. I talked about his minimising. I said I no longer had any hope of reconciliation. I talked about how he'd been wallowing in self-pity and not put my needs first or any effort into sorting out this mess he is responsible for.

He listened. He begged. He says he was too angry with himself to think clearly and saw he'd made terrible decisions in the 4 weeks. He tried to answer some of the questions he's been saying 'don't know' to. I saw some real remorse instead of the 'yes I did it, I'm sorry' brush off.

He's got till tonight to come up with a proper plan of what he is actually going to do to try to fix this.

If he does, I'll consider it. Its probably too little too late, but I'll think about it. If he doesn't, I feel much stronger and calmer after getting a lot off my chest, and it won't be so hard to say it's over.

I fancy either Suffolk or Devon, but I'm also going to check out the other suggestions on this thread, thank you for those.

Thank you for the pep talks and positive stories of new lives. I'm starting to feel a hint of excitement at picking my own new life.

So, while it sounds like I've chickened out, I haven't really, I'm just taking baby steps. I really doubt he's going to come up with much.

Too angry with himself? Angry at getting caught.

You've got the chance to go anywhere and have a wonderful life without this gaslighting prick. He's had his chance, you deserve better

So sorry Op, I would put money on him just being angry that you're not 'over it' and that his cushy life is about to end.
Even if he did come up with a plan now, why didn't he do that sooner? Although again, I would bet any plan he tries to sell you would be very short-lived. I think deep down you know this already.

Devon is beautiful.
West Wales?

Go and get that life you deserve Op, he certainly does not have your best interests at heart and cannot be relied on for honestly or integrity.xxx

Knew a woman in a similar situation who moved to Scotland. Great scenery and cheap rentals.

It’s quite obvious at this point that you’re just going to stay with him and let him get away with it. It’ll happen again 🤷🏼‍♀️

Things will never be the same. Don't stay with him because it's easier than having separate.