Ending it tonight - strength please

[Lieslies]

I'm plucking up the strength to end it with, let's call him D for dickhead tonight.

He's cheated on me. He's sorry but not done anything I asked over the last 4 weeks since I found out, if it was hard or uncomfortable for him. . Plenty of DARVO. I've looked at Chump lady, which helps, especially around trying to figure out the why (he says he doesn't know). She's right, it's simple, he had the opportunity and he found it enjoyable.

This is hard. I do still feelings for him. I face starting all over again in mid 50s. When I retire I'll be very hard up on my own. This is scary.

Thank you to everyone who's shared their experiences or support and advice.

I'm finding the evenings very difficult as I work from home and don't live near friends and family. Talking on the phone isn't the same as seeing people. I feel so lonely. I keep reminding myself how I often felt lonely anyway when he was here, but it is worse.
I've joined a couple of local meet up groups but they are mostly daytime events.

Sorry you’re feeling lonely in the evenings, but this will pass - keep telling yourself that! Plan some evening treats, even if that’s just looking at potential places to stay, maybe a wee rental to try an area? An exercise or dance class? Anything arty or write a journal, make a shortlist of places to move to, deal with all the little jobs re moving - do you want to move nearer to friends and family?

Hugs lots of them you’ll get there small steps at this stage.

Think carefully about where you move to.
I would prioritise being near those that support and care for you, above all else.

Take a 1 bed studio where friends can pop in and plans are easily made.

That would always be my priority.
Even a room in a house for a bit while you find your feet.

Wishing you well.

I thought I'd do an update.

Things are getting better, lots of ups and downs over the last 6 weeks, but most of the time I'm OK. Still looking for my new home, but financially I'm OK here for a few months.

I'm getting some great counselling, which is looking at all sorts of things, not just him. I'm keeping busy as much as I can. This isn't the life I wanted, but to be honest, the life I had with him wasn't really the life I wanted either.

Still early days, but I'm getting stronger and calmer.

Well done, OP, you're doing brilliantly. Now, on to your exciting project of choosing where you would like to live, now that you are free.

I expect you've already started making a list of possible choices, from recommendations, places you visited once and liked, those that have something that interests or attracts you, those in locations you like (eg seaside, rural area, city centre). Read up all you can on all these.

Have you got a friend/ relative you could take a few short excursions with? A daytrip could give you a quick answer if you really dislike the place, or find something that's a dealbreaker for you (eg no public transport, or strong seaweedy smell at low tide) so a definite No.

A B&B weekend, starting on Friday after work, would give you a better idea of places on your Maybe list.

You need a break, and all these little jaunts could also help you get through the down times, especially those you can do with a friend.

And could you contact all your friends who live a distance away, explain your plan and ask to stay a weekend with them? They'll also be able to tell you a lot more about the area

Best of luck, OP. I know from experience that it's hard starting again. But it's worse to be stuck with a lying cheat.

Update from me I’m three weeks out now loads of miracles have happened to me lovely new home everything in it I needed, brilliant result from dwp I was dreading it I’m safe I haven’t got to look for work due to arthritis and registered blind. Love being single I didn’t realise how unhappy I was until friends told me I look so. much better lost weight sleep better. Love making my bedroom a Brenner shine. Never again will I live with a man in fact no dates even.

Great to hear how well you are doing.

The fact he went to the OW is the absolute concrete evidence of his feelings towards you. Is he still there?

Yes, he's still there.

I'm not sure the grass has turned out to be greener after all, as last week I got a text from him saying he still loves me and he's tearing himself apart for what he did. I didn't answer it.

Good for you!

It's a real achievement that you managed this so early on, OP, and bodes well for the future. You're bound to feel raw now, but the adventure of your future life beckons!

I just want to say that when you do hire help with removals, go with Shiply and not AnyVan. On Shiply, you receive bids and can ask questions and see individual feedback before making your choice and then dealing direct with the removals company. AnyVan just allocate you someone, at much higher cost, and my last experience of them was absolutely dire.

Good luck!

OP I think you are inspiring and awesome!

( I am early 50s at the point of starting again)

Oh well done. Your self esteem is awesome!
I would buy new stuff that you love for your new place, buy second hand and up cycle which will be cheap and rewarding, you dont want anything to remind you of him.;)

Well done OP.

Not surprised the grass isn't greener, it often isn't for his type.

I really hope you move near those you care about and care for you.

A home can be a happy project IMO, once the location works for you.

Wishing you well.

Op carry on getting stronger it will get better hugs.

Felixstowe! I am thinking of moving there myself!

He is like a shitty textbook isnt he!