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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending it tonight - strength please

67 replies

Lieslies · 21/09/2022 15:42

I'm plucking up the strength to end it with, let's call him D for dickhead tonight.

He's cheated on me. He's sorry but not done anything I asked over the last 4 weeks since I found out, if it was hard or uncomfortable for him. . Plenty of DARVO. I've looked at Chump lady, which helps, especially around trying to figure out the why (he says he doesn't know). She's right, it's simple, he had the opportunity and he found it enjoyable.

This is hard. I do still feelings for him. I face starting all over again in mid 50s. When I retire I'll be very hard up on my own. This is scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lieslies · 24/09/2022 09:26

So, as expected, his plan was pretty much non-existent, and then yesterday he didn't do the one thing that was in his plan. And tried to justify not doing it.

I ended it.

I feel so sad that I've lost the old him, and our future. But he is no longer that man. To be honest, he now reminds me of Kevin the teenager, crossed with Victor Meldrew, and who the fuck would want a lifetime of that. So, I still love him, but no thanks. I will miss the good stuff but that's gone.

Fuck bugger shit. Stupid, stupid man.

OP posts:
Endlesslaundry123 · 24/09/2022 09:32

That must have been really hard, good on you for choosing yourself and your happiness. Of course you will be grieving what you had with him before the cheating, it only makes sense as it's a loss of a very close and important relationship. Allow yourself the grace to grieve while not confusing the grief with a desire to reconcile, iyswim.

I hope you will post updates on where you decide to move -- such an exciting opportunity to start fresh somewhere nice!!

Original poster
Lieslies · 24/09/2022 09:50

Thank you, yes, I am grieving what's lost. A lot. I'm crying now.

Good advice on not confusing that with wanting to reconcile. That would be a fantasy future, not reality.

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 24/09/2022 09:54

Upwards & onwards OP, there's a whole new exciting future waiting for you to start x

LadyEloise1 · 24/09/2022 10:23

Far easier now than 7 years down the line when he decides his latest ow is "the one".

Original poster
Lieslies · 24/09/2022 11:16

I'm looking at old photos. Where did that man go? I'm heartbroken.

OP posts:
Always4Brenner · 24/09/2022 11:23

Hugs you’ll get there you’ll survive this, the amount of us ladies in our 50s that are leaving is unbelievable have we all woken up? Me I was pushed but couldn’t stay in this atmosphere but so glad it’s me going he’s safe got GP etc his friends via phone. I’ll be slagged off but don’t care life’s too short.

Original poster
Lieslies · 25/09/2022 10:04

He left without a word yesterday and hasn't come back. I guess went to the OW. I know I shouldn't care, but it upset me a lot. It means everything he said about there not being any feelings between them, and if we didn't work things out she wasn't his Plan B, was more lies.

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 25/09/2022 10:13

Lieslies · 22/09/2022 10:04

I caved, slightly, in that he's got a stay of execution till tonight.

We talked. Or actually, for the first time I got to talk while he shut up and listened without DARVO shit. I got to be angry, and upset, without being shut down. I talked about the affair, and about how he's been acting for 4 weeks. I talked about the 4 things he didn't do. I talked about his minimising. I said I no longer had any hope of reconciliation. I talked about how he'd been wallowing in self-pity and not put my needs first or any effort into sorting out this mess he is responsible for.

He listened. He begged. He says he was too angry with himself to think clearly and saw he'd made terrible decisions in the 4 weeks. He tried to answer some of the questions he's been saying 'don't know' to. I saw some real remorse instead of the 'yes I did it, I'm sorry' brush off.

He's got till tonight to come up with a proper plan of what he is actually going to do to try to fix this.

If he does, I'll consider it. Its probably too little too late, but I'll think about it. If he doesn't, I feel much stronger and calmer after getting a lot off my chest, and it won't be so hard to say it's over.

I fancy either Suffolk or Devon, but I'm also going to check out the other suggestions on this thread, thank you for those.

Thank you for the pep talks and positive stories of new lives. I'm starting to feel a hint of excitement at picking my own new life.

So, while it sounds like I've chickened out, I haven't really, I'm just taking baby steps. I really doubt he's going to come up with much.

Be brave. It very rarely works out with a cheater!

Original poster
Lieslies · 26/09/2022 13:59

He did go to the OW.

He's coming back tonight to talk about how well sort out the actual split. I still can't believe it's over and he did this.

I'm daunted and scared of moving out but everything here reminds me of him and our planned future, so I guess the sooner, the better. It's all such a muddle, joint tenancy, joint account. Just sorting out a whole move and all the admin alone, when I'm not all excited about moving for a good reason but forced into it, fills me with complete dread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lieslies · 26/09/2022 14:02

The thought of never seeing him again, despite everything, is heartwrenching. I'm trying to think of him as an evil doppelganger of the man I love. I wish my version of him was still here. I know he isn't. But my heart aches for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lieslies · 26/09/2022 14:08

Would you believe he dropped in very quickly to grab some clothes at the weekend, as he was leaving said he loves me so much and never wanted to hurt me. Then why did he do this..... Aaargh.

I've started telling more people so I can't be tempted to cave again. He wants to have his cake and eat it, I know I could never trust him again, I need to stamp on all those feelings and memories.

More (nice not snarky) encouragement needed, thank you.

OP posts:
Always4Brenner · 26/09/2022 14:29

Hugs you’ll get no sarcasm from me, yes it’s heartbreaking but you’ll move on from this. Find a new home and fill it will favourite things your choice nothing from him. Luckily I’m able to do this. Though our situation is different I’ve been unhappy for years. So my technicaly wrong doing has moved things on a bit.

totallyoutnumbered · 26/09/2022 14:37

Only encouragement here! You're grieving for what you thought you had and what you hoped for. A perfectly natural response. Reach out to friends as they'll want to support you. It hurts like absolute hell but nothing is permanent. Nothing. I tried reconciliation. Wasted another few years quite frankly x

Cosmicdreams · 26/09/2022 14:39

Handhold for you OP it does sound horrible. Stay strong and my thoughts are with you. Flowers

friskybivalves · 26/09/2022 14:47

Can you summon the strength to look for a couple of lovely Airbnbs to rent with a friend in an area of the country you fancy moving to - Suffolk and Devon was it? And spend two weekends getting a feel for the place, maybe look in estate agents windows for cottages to rent that you can afford? Perhaps when you see a glimpse of a new life it might make the sharpest edges of your pain a little easier to bear.

totallyoutnumbered · 26/09/2022 14:54

friskybivalves · 26/09/2022 14:47

Can you summon the strength to look for a couple of lovely Airbnbs to rent with a friend in an area of the country you fancy moving to - Suffolk and Devon was it? And spend two weekends getting a feel for the place, maybe look in estate agents windows for cottages to rent that you can afford? Perhaps when you see a glimpse of a new life it might make the sharpest edges of your pain a little easier to bear.

Great idea 💡

doitwithlove · 26/09/2022 15:00

Sort out your monthly finances to see how much rent you can afford?

Is the current property in joint names?

Do you need 1 or 2 bedrooms?

A flat/maisonette or a house - what is your preference?

If you work do you want to stay at your place of work/thought of changing your job?

How much notice do you need to give on the place you rent now?

All valid questions when looking at properties

Original poster
Lieslies · 26/09/2022 15:25

I'm trying to think of practicalities. Got a rough budget in mind (depending on council tax ad water bill, got a shock when we moved here). So good reminder to look those up for where I'm thinking of to finalise my budget.

Luckily wfh so that's not an issue.

Ideally 2 bed house so I can have a spare room for visitors/office.

I'm looking at removal costs and to be honest there's little furniture I really want to keep, and it would be cheaper to buy replacements for most for my new place, and just hire a Luton and driver/helper. Some, like big dining table, are nice but unlikely to fit new place so I might sell that. Shame as it's one thing I really like. Sigh, now-ex (feels so weird to say that) has a van and it was bloody useful!

I think one month notice, it was a fixed term that ran out in August and they haven't sent a renewal, so now a rolling monthly one?

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 26/09/2022 19:51

But it will be great fun furnishing a new house just for you! And you can pick up such gorgeous stuff 2nd hand if you like that way of doing! So sorry you’ve been so badly let down and I do admire your strength and determination not to buckle or weaken. Quite right too, you deserve better than a lying cheat. Onwards to better days 💐

Original poster
Lieslies · 27/09/2022 09:34

What a difference a day makes. I met him yesterday and we stayed civil and agreed how we're going to untangle ourselves in a practical sense, he was being reasonable, and both accepted it's definitely finished. Then I had a great long chat with a friend.

I feel FREE.

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 27/09/2022 10:35

I'm so pleased for you OP. Time to get excited! 🥰

Always4Brenner · 27/09/2022 10:44

Brilliant your free well done onwards and upwards.

sleepymum50 · 27/09/2022 10:56

Well done and sending my best.

Im in a similar situation in that I’ll be moving soon, I’m looking to be nearer my DD, but it will be an area where I have no ties.

I would suggest (if you don’t mind rural) a small village of say 50 houses with a pub. That’s where I’m currently living and it’s small enough for every one to know each other (parish news letter, what’s app group, gardening club, summer fete, church group etc), plus the pub is good for socialising.

Smartstuffed · 27/09/2022 11:16

Like you and other posters I understand the crying and sadness. It feels like a bereavement. Yesterday I was in a state and today I'm not (well, so far). He is still moving his stuff out so that makes it more difficult. I feel empty. It is all very civil at the moment.