Uncomfortable with my partners friend

[Robrob2424]

I've been in a relationship for almost a year now, and to say the least its been slightly rocky until recently, but every argument we have had up until now was about a friend of hers, which is her gay best friend. This is a bit of a long one but I need some advice...I want to trust things have changed but I'm worried about it going back to normal...

A bit of back story when I got together with her, it took around 3 months before she mentioned the guy being her best friend or much about him, eventually she told me more about him, that they used to live together, that he was gay, how when she wasn't meeting up with me she was over at his most evenings have sleepovers, how she would shower at his every time she went, he then strangely always would after as well and they would sleep in the same bed. I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...especially when she changed from they keep apart in bed to actually he has her hand over her waist when they sleep.

Time went on and I said I felt uncomfortable with the sleeping in same bed part, regardless of who it was, gender, sexuality, I'd feel the same. It caused a massive argument as she wasn't happy about the idea of not sleeping in the same bed as him...eventually she understood it was simply me not feeling comfortable and I'd be fine if she just slept elsewhere.

At this point I was OK with the situation, happy and had no issues...that's where it went down hill...a short while after, I met him for the first time and the first meeting he came round and he sat down didn't even look at me and said to her "would you still be up for being impregnated, I want a child" I was like what the hell, it was very disrespectful, especially with me being in a relationship with her...it affects everything. She then panicked and had explain quickly that she was meant to be a surrogate, but wanted kids with me now instead. He didn't look all too happy to be fair.

Second meeting, things were going well and then he started showing sexual meme images on his phone...and things, after he left I said I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...and then my gf said its not that bad all gay guys do it, and said about him trying to show her a sex tape of himself one time...that didn't make me feel better, she said she would speak to him about me feeling uncomfortable.

Third meeting, he came round started speaking about threesomes, said all men wants them, that I'm not any different...when she said but that's not true...he said girl it is, your bf is exactly the same. She actually came and spoke to me about it...and asked me if I wanted one..I felt untrusted..that caused some issues...she said she would speak to him again...

Fourth meeting, we just came back from holiday and first thing he wanted to do was get drunk, have a sleepover and he said cuddle her and watch movies together..
I was like a bit taken back but in the end he came round for another coffee...Once again he started with sexual things, somehow spoke about the time he sucked off my gfs flatmate, while she was in the other room and could hear it...gave her all the details, then went on to say how he left her in a coffee shop once to go suck a guy in the park...

After four times and nothing changing, I was like I'm not comfortable with this sexual talking all the time...I spoke to her and she said she didn't speak to him as she didn't want to upset him and his feelings...i was like OK...what about mine? Same with the not sleeping in same bed, she didn't speak to him about it as she didn't want to upset him...there were also small things throughout this time such as he would video call a ridiculous amount of time...when we were together and would be upset if she didn't pick up...she would think she was a bad friend so would pick up...and this would be in times which we were spending together as a couple or on days out...they were pretty much texting daily with "love you", "my love", "love you more!!" His main fb page is just of him and her holding hands, if people didn't know them...you would think they were a couple

Lastly the thing which kicked off the biggest argument of all was when, my mum had just split up with her partner of 18 years, she has 3 kids and social services were involved, it could have been possibly the last time I could have seen then (luckily it hasn't been the case) and we had planned to go see them and I asked if she would come along and she said yes, we had it all planned. I was feeling terrible and worried, Saturday comes and I drop her to her nail appointment, I get a message and she says her friend is in the area and that they are going to grab a coffee...I was like its late already but OK...Next second she messages me and says she won't make it back in time now and is sorry, short while later she is having dinner at his and says that she felt bad that her friend was having issue with his mom and its terrible (he has issues every week almost with her), I was sat by myself in the car crying, wondering if I'll see my siblings or not again...it caused a big argument, probably the biggest one yet.

So we had an entire month, where she cut back from seeing the friend for a while, well didn't see him at all, still spoke but also cut back on taking his calls when he wanted, he rang 5 times 4 days in a row one week, she gave up at one point...turned off the tv, the light, left me in a pitch black room, closed the door and went to speak to him
.... after that though, she apologised realised she was wrong and then we travelled, she saw her other friends, it's been the best time of our relationship if I'm honest, we haven't argued, things are perfect. She even said it herself, this is the closest we have been. It's been about 1 month and a half, and things are literally perfect now.

My fear however is that...she of course just can't cut out her friend forever and I would never ask that, but when we have been talking about her going to see him again and things...its already changed to him saying about getting drunk and having a sleepover...is getting upset when she says she is busy (when she actually has work or something), is asking questions of why she is busy the other days, saying don't worry about spending time with your bf and is back to almost phoning every day to complain about his job, the world or his mum...and I'm worried it will go back to that again.

He has a bf of his own, in all the time, I've never been invited out as a couple, he only hasn't like the pictures of me and my gf on social media and I can tell he doesn't exactly like me, any advice at all in this situation?

OK he sounds vulgar but maybe he's just 'that friend'. Is he there for her when she needs him?

I think you very much need to just step back qnd let her make her own choices with him. Though she centaiy needs to tell him no more evening sleepovers as its just not really appropriate now she has a bf ( but SHE should see this. It should not take you having to tell her that it makes you uncomfortable).

That being said, I see no issue with them sharing a bed when she was single. And i think if you came across as having an issue with that...she may now wonder if you are being at all reasonable about him. Because you seemed to have an issue before you even met him.

A long term friendship...perhaps that should be more important to her than a new partner. But you have do decide if you are OK with it or not.

Either step back completely and see if she can implement healthy boundaries with him by herself, without you prompting. Or step out completely.

Might not have explained it properly at the beginning, when they were both single I had no issue with it. It was 3 months into our relationship that she told me about him at all and then about that she was sleeping over at his a lot of the time. I didn't know until 3 months into our relationship, she kept it quiet and then that's when I was upset about it as we were together at that point.

I met him 4 months into the relationship and then with the first meeting is when I started to not like the interactions, I had no issue prior

And no he forgot her birthday...till the evening recently, spends time with his bf and doesn't message her when he is and focuses on his bf, but when he isn't with his BF, he comes between us a lot, is needy and things. She said during covid she was crying sat most evenings by herself, while he was out with his ex, and she was alone in the apartment they used to share. She is always there for him, doesn't seem to be the other way round.

However thank you for the "Either step back completely and see if she can implement healthy boundaries with him by herself, without you prompting. Or step out completely." I'll do just that and see what happens

Just read your post back to yourself and you’ll see that you just need to get rid of both of them from your life. They come as a package and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were sexually active.

I’d be getting tested also.

The shower and sleeping in the same bed is already too fucking weird.

And it just went worse.

The man isin’t healthy, sounds like he has cluster b personality. Not good.

Their relationship is very unhealthy, it really is.
Sounds like they are really immature and depended on eachother.
It will always be you againts them.

He sounds a bloody nightmare. She sounds hard work too. Get rid of both of them.

I got to paragraph 4 and noped the heck out. The whole thing is messy and dramatic and I would agree with PP, read it all back to yourself and think about whether this is what you want from life.

Sorry OP, their relationship is so unhealthy and lacks boundaries. If your girlfriend is unwilling to put those boundaries in place and stick to them then your relationship is going nowhere. You have given her a lot of time and energy and she still hasn’t done it and her friend is still dominating everything.

I almost never say this but run for the hills.

As harsh as it may sound, you should get rid of both of them.

Do you realise that in a healthy relationship, your post would read 'My partner's friends are respectful to our relationship and to me, and if they weren't, my partner would set them straight'?

You are buying into chaos. The advice re chaos is to avoid it, and people who bring it into your life.

I made it about half-way through. Just fucking run. This is so far off normal or healthy it isn't worth worrying about the details. Leave them both to it.

Their fwb- his bi.

Sorry but I think he may be bi and they are in some sort of weird fwb relationship. What you have described is so far from normal its on another planet.
Makes zero difference if he is gay or not. He is very very odd and does not respect you at all. And the continued sleeping together and showering is just not normal once you are in a relationship.

And neither does she respect you. At all. he will always be her priority. She proved that by letting you down on seeing your siblings.

I'd start running for the hills, they are far too invested in each other for this to change any time soon.

Thought i'd post an update

I mean we spoke about it today after getting all the replies from everyone here, I did read it back and I guess most people would run. She has told him that he needs to stop saying anything sexual, that he needs to stop calling when he feels like it and expecting her to pick up and has said she will no longer be sleeping in the same bed, he is in some strange relationship with a dude at the moment, who doesn't want to admit they are together as he is still too afraid to come out to his family and his mum.

We touched on another subject as well, I honestly believe the guy is being a bit of a pain as he doesn't like me and told her exactly that...she was like why don't you think so? she said she would know as knows him if he didn't like me she would know. He has never invited me along anywhere with them, every single one of her other friends have, when she mentioned it he was always like but we haven't seen each other in ages. I also mentioned that it is the only friend she hasn't invited me to go all out together in 8 months, he has liked and commented on every single social media picture apart from the ones with us in it.

I told her if this is to work, she needs to stick to those boundaries and that I should at least be invited every so often, I find it a little weird, I spend time alone with my friends, but at the same time there are other times where they invite her along/I invite her along. Not like this situation where I am not invited even once, she has invited me to go along to have coffee this week coming and told him, he said about spending time alone as it's been ages and she kept to the coffee with us, he was dissapointed so will see how it goes.

Will see if anything changes over next couple of months and if boundaries will stay there or not

I would leave them both to it.

She needs to sort herself out

Yeah, I’d not be hanging around for this.

What’s so great about your current relationship / this girl that is SO good that it could possibly balance out this guy being in your life?

I am 100% sure you could do a lot better than your GF and her weird ‘mate’

Agreed.

???

Nothing will change. I’m thinking you’re thriving on the toxic drama of it all as much as them.

My goodness, this all sounds exhausting. It also sounds like the kind of drama 20 year olds might get caught up in. I'm really not sure why you're still bothering?

I'm not sure to be honest...we spoke further about it last night, turns out before I knew her they actually had a time where they were living together. Throughout the year she felt used by him as he only stayed at his BF. She was left alone, he came back only to complain about his BF and they only actually had about a month of living together. She told him he wasn't a great friend and that he was just using her, they almost stopped being friends....I was just like what kind of friends does that...apart from a toxic one.

She said its in the past though, I was like nope...it still happened, why are you trying so hard, she said because his BF wasn't great and it was his BF causing issues...I was like wake up it was your friend no one else. I was like here we are arguing, I've been nothing but good, I take you everywhere you need to go, cook meals most evenings, am always there for you and we are arguing about a friend who is causing issues, who left you on your own for a year.

I gave her an ultimatum last night, I told her things seriously need to change with the way things are, we came up with ideas and she has put them in place. I told her if things don't change in the next few months I'm going to be out the door

Argh, why are you bothering with all this? You aren't well suited. She has an unhealthy relationship with this friend and you describe your relationship as perfect during a time when you are forcing her to be cut off from someone she is close too (it's irrelevant if that person is no good for her).

Relationships are supposed to halve the shit in your life and double the joy. Just call it quits on this. Have a conversation that acknowledges the good times you had but also that your lives aren't compatible. Don't be horrible or cruel. Then walk away.

I genuinely don't want to sound patronising but are you all quite young?

This doesn't sound like the dynamic of grown adults.

Your gf sounds quite immature (as does the friend) and isn't adult enough to realise that she needs to respect your relationship ahead of the unreasonable behaviour of her friend.

True...the annoying thing is I'm not exactly forcing, she agreed it would also be good to distance slightly and then distanced herself from meeting. They still spoke every so often, but no where near as much and he distanced himself more lately as they didn't meet and he doesn't feel she is being a good friend. All I did was say about boundaries not stopping them meeting, he doesn't seem to like those boundaries and well now doesn't like me.

She did and to be fair, even when we spoke about it, we both agreed even herself that this time was the best time we have had, no arguments, no issues...I know she was close with him, but not sure why she would want to put us back in that situation if its working fine without her friend and she has agreed on that as well.

You are right relationships are meant to half things and be more enjoyable, up till now that hasn't been the case...I do need to think more about letting it go...

She is 25, I'm older and the friend is 22, a lot of the time she does use the excuse that he is younger, didn't realise how he acts sometimes and hasn't gone through the same experiences we have yet...

But as I told her, there is a difference such as the first meeting where he said about impregnating her, walking into the flat, not even looking at and acknowledging me or acknowledging that we are together or even looking me in the eyes and speaking only at you about it all like I'm not even there. That's disrespectful as hell.

I've also been like the friend has a BF of his own, when he is with him he always says he is busy and will get back to you later, yet when we are together he expects you to pick up straight away. I said he's respectful of his relationship and not ours, that she is just as bad for not respecting our time together either when we do get it.

How old are you op?

All sounds very exhausting and tedious.

I agree with pp I’d be getting an STD test and leaving them to it.