Uncomfortable with my partners friend

[Robrob2424]

I've been in a relationship for almost a year now, and to say the least its been slightly rocky until recently, but every argument we have had up until now was about a friend of hers, which is her gay best friend. This is a bit of a long one but I need some advice...I want to trust things have changed but I'm worried about it going back to normal...

A bit of back story when I got together with her, it took around 3 months before she mentioned the guy being her best friend or much about him, eventually she told me more about him, that they used to live together, that he was gay, how when she wasn't meeting up with me she was over at his most evenings have sleepovers, how she would shower at his every time she went, he then strangely always would after as well and they would sleep in the same bed. I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...especially when she changed from they keep apart in bed to actually he has her hand over her waist when they sleep.

Time went on and I said I felt uncomfortable with the sleeping in same bed part, regardless of who it was, gender, sexuality, I'd feel the same. It caused a massive argument as she wasn't happy about the idea of not sleeping in the same bed as him...eventually she understood it was simply me not feeling comfortable and I'd be fine if she just slept elsewhere.

At this point I was OK with the situation, happy and had no issues...that's where it went down hill...a short while after, I met him for the first time and the first meeting he came round and he sat down didn't even look at me and said to her "would you still be up for being impregnated, I want a child" I was like what the hell, it was very disrespectful, especially with me being in a relationship with her...it affects everything. She then panicked and had explain quickly that she was meant to be a surrogate, but wanted kids with me now instead. He didn't look all too happy to be fair.

Second meeting, things were going well and then he started showing sexual meme images on his phone...and things, after he left I said I wasn't exactly comfortable with it...and then my gf said its not that bad all gay guys do it, and said about him trying to show her a sex tape of himself one time...that didn't make me feel better, she said she would speak to him about me feeling uncomfortable.

Third meeting, he came round started speaking about threesomes, said all men wants them, that I'm not any different...when she said but that's not true...he said girl it is, your bf is exactly the same. She actually came and spoke to me about it...and asked me if I wanted one..I felt untrusted..that caused some issues...she said she would speak to him again...

Fourth meeting, we just came back from holiday and first thing he wanted to do was get drunk, have a sleepover and he said cuddle her and watch movies together..
I was like a bit taken back but in the end he came round for another coffee...Once again he started with sexual things, somehow spoke about the time he sucked off my gfs flatmate, while she was in the other room and could hear it...gave her all the details, then went on to say how he left her in a coffee shop once to go suck a guy in the park...

After four times and nothing changing, I was like I'm not comfortable with this sexual talking all the time...I spoke to her and she said she didn't speak to him as she didn't want to upset him and his feelings...i was like OK...what about mine? Same with the not sleeping in same bed, she didn't speak to him about it as she didn't want to upset him...there were also small things throughout this time such as he would video call a ridiculous amount of time...when we were together and would be upset if she didn't pick up...she would think she was a bad friend so would pick up...and this would be in times which we were spending together as a couple or on days out...they were pretty much texting daily with "love you", "my love", "love you more!!" His main fb page is just of him and her holding hands, if people didn't know them...you would think they were a couple

Lastly the thing which kicked off the biggest argument of all was when, my mum had just split up with her partner of 18 years, she has 3 kids and social services were involved, it could have been possibly the last time I could have seen then (luckily it hasn't been the case) and we had planned to go see them and I asked if she would come along and she said yes, we had it all planned. I was feeling terrible and worried, Saturday comes and I drop her to her nail appointment, I get a message and she says her friend is in the area and that they are going to grab a coffee...I was like its late already but OK...Next second she messages me and says she won't make it back in time now and is sorry, short while later she is having dinner at his and says that she felt bad that her friend was having issue with his mom and its terrible (he has issues every week almost with her), I was sat by myself in the car crying, wondering if I'll see my siblings or not again...it caused a big argument, probably the biggest one yet.

So we had an entire month, where she cut back from seeing the friend for a while, well didn't see him at all, still spoke but also cut back on taking his calls when he wanted, he rang 5 times 4 days in a row one week, she gave up at one point...turned off the tv, the light, left me in a pitch black room, closed the door and went to speak to him
.... after that though, she apologised realised she was wrong and then we travelled, she saw her other friends, it's been the best time of our relationship if I'm honest, we haven't argued, things are perfect. She even said it herself, this is the closest we have been. It's been about 1 month and a half, and things are literally perfect now.

My fear however is that...she of course just can't cut out her friend forever and I would never ask that, but when we have been talking about her going to see him again and things...its already changed to him saying about getting drunk and having a sleepover...is getting upset when she says she is busy (when she actually has work or something), is asking questions of why she is busy the other days, saying don't worry about spending time with your bf and is back to almost phoning every day to complain about his job, the world or his mum...and I'm worried it will go back to that again.

He has a bf of his own, in all the time, I've never been invited out as a couple, he only hasn't like the pictures of me and my gf on social media and I can tell he doesn't exactly like me, any advice at all in this situation?

I was like wake up it was your friend no one else

Why does she need to wake up and see who's causing the drama in her life, but you don't?

She is the source of your problems, in the same way that he is the source of hers. Why are you in a position to advise her to wake up, when you both have the same issue and you haven't woken up yourself?

How much older are you than her OP?

Because it's less than a year in and it all sounds fucking exhausting.

This is the best it's going to get. A year in things should be fun, easy and not anxiety / argument inducing.

I wonder if you're quite a lot older than her but don't have much experience of relationships so perhaps don't realise how strange the situation is and how many massive red flags there are?

I know she is the source of my issues...but he oversteps boundaries a lot. So is at fault as well that's all I'm saying but yes I know it's more her fault for not shutting down things quicker and making sure boundaries are kept or where she didn't want to speak to him because she wasn't sure how he would take it or his feelings could be hurt.

I've woken up and seen that...but it's still hard leaving, but after seeing all these posts it's helped massively, at first I thought maybe I was wrong and overeacting/being unreasonable but seems me thinking about leaving or actually leaving in the end isn't unreasonable

Bin her asap .

I'll be honest, I'm 3 years older than here. My last relationship was 9 years and she is 25.

Part of me asking is because yep, I haven't been in too many relationships and these seem like red flags to me but I haven't exactly much experience. After posting though it seems that I'm not being crazy/unreasonable at all, I feel a lot happier about that.

She kept saying how a few of her previous relationships, people didn't like her friend as he was gay or had friends who didnt like him for that....I think after being together with her, that's not the case at all, I kind of think they had the same issue as me which has nothing to do with sexuality.

Oh you're barely older than her in that case!

I think your lack of experience of relationship dynamics and a lack of self esteem / confidence in your gut is the issue her.

She's not good news. She's behaving inappropriately and saying your reaction is wrong when it's a perfectly valid and understandable one.

She's put her friendship with him first repeatedly even when you've had very tough times and needed support.

We should consider people's credentials, not just their potential when dating them.

I promise you that it really, really shouldn't be this hard.

The relationship isn't making you happy. If you have to say a year in 'she makes me happy other than xyz and if she didn't do xyz we would be great together' then it's not a good idea to continue the relationship.

She's shown you who she is, what her priorities are and how she reacts when you need her / when you're upset about something,

Honestly OP, life's too short for relationships that make you anxious and make you doubt yourself.

Leave her and him to it. He'll be a toxic force in all her relationships and she'll always choose him. Go no contact and let them get on with it.

This is an unhealthy dynamic. You're at a stage now where she is going to have to choose between the two of you. I think the two men in her life are almost playing a wierd game of emotional tug of war with her and that needs to stop. You need to walk away.

It'll help you to remove blame from the situation. It's not his fault. It's not her fault. It's not your fault.

Everybody's just being who they are. You'd prefer they were different, so, given that you can't change anybody, the best thing to do is keep your distance, and make time for people you like as they are.

There's no right or wrong, except laws, and nobody's broken any of those. Spend time with people who don't cause you drama. Then you'll find you have a life where, if you post about it, people don't ask 'How old are you?!'

You're not in a relationship with him, so his rudeness/inappropriateness isn't your problem. Your problem is that you seem to be having to convince your girlfriend to treat you with any modicum of respect or consideration.
She shouldn't need you to tell her what is appropriate or not. You'll spend your life trying to stop her from overstepping boundaries. It's not worth it.

Tbh, judging on your updates...she has picked him. She isn't in a healthy place. She struggles with codependency issues by the sounds of it. Whether that's in general or just with this mate of hers, who knows. I don't think ultimatums are useful as that's not her respecting or establishing boundaries...thats just someone else telling he what her own boundaries should be.

She has to decide for herself regarding him.
And you need to decide for yourself regarding you. She has already told you where she is at. Stop trying to fix her and bow out now if you feel your boundaries are being disrespected.

Wake up. My wife's best friend is gay and never ever did anything like that. You're in a very unhealthy relationship. Dumped her and move to someone who respect you and the relationship.

I sat her down we spoke and I told her if we continue like this I'm walking out the door, I can't continue with someone causing issues in the relationship and I don't care who it is, they are the main cause of issues in our relationship...

I sat her down, spoke to her explained how the last month has been amazing, she agreed its been perfect. She actually broke down in tears and admitted that its true, without him being involved as much and his drama that things have been perfect, she hasn't felt as insecure about things (he used to rant daily about his relationship issues and others), I told her to think back and realise all the worries she had, him complaining he actually has no reason to, that he has managed perfectly fine the last month on his own, and that he kept making her feel bad as he kept saying its important and he needs a friend right now and that he can't cope. Seems like the last month has opened her eyes a bit more.

She has realised she is a good friend, but at the same time he's been making her feel bad every so often and she just felt bad due to the way he was saying things. That without the daily drama of things that he keeps saying that she doesn't feel insecure or worried about certain things and things in the relationship, she is actually happier. After explaining about him not once liking any of our pictures and/or ever inviting me out at all with them and him getting upset about inviting me along, I explained how I've been singled out with that and none of her other friends have done that. She didn't realise until I explained and then understood that he literally has. She agreed and brought him up on it, saying it was out of order, and the meetings with the impregnate and being disrespectful, she did speak to him apparently in the past and he just apologised and said he wasn't being disrespectful and it was just a joke. So I explained to my friend what happened, explained it to her in a different way and she spoke to her friend..a few replies were along the lines of they would punch him or would have thrown him out...and none of them took it as a joke, sometimes she can be a bit slow to get peoples intentions and this friend has kind of played on it...

All in all, after everything she broke down said how sorry she was, she never realised half the stuff that had gone on or how it actually came across in that way at all. That she couldn't believe I went through that and has decided to distance herself from that friend massively, invite me along and actually out, that she wants to be together with me and as soon as anything happens where he overstep a boundary, shut it down as soon as and if he's being disrespectful in anyway, she will tell him and we will just walk away as she doesn't want to lose me.

I don't think she realised until this month long not speaking to him and the little discussion around it just how much it affected the relationship...and when she spoke to her friends as well, just how much the guy was being a d**k causing issues.

The length of your posts alone suggests why you're staying with her: you have a need for external validation at a miniscule level. Have a look into self validation.

Oh he sounds unhinged and she sounds codependent, on him. I would leave them to it and find nice, normal women to date. Where your biggest argument is what to watch on TV. She obv likes his drama and enjoys this sort of friendship - so won't change no matter what she says. She'll just resent you and blame you eventually. You're too young to be involved in this bin fire. There's definitely better suited people out there for you.

Your first interminable post, says this:

my gf has a gay male friend, they are codependent, there are no boundaries, respect or room for me, can i fix this?

this answer is, Unlikely

Extrapolating about every issue is pointless,

You need to say "This 3 way relationship isn't working for me, X has overstepped every limit.
I don't want to see, hear, or have him in my life".
She can either act upon your wishes, sees him if she wants alone, but does not allow his problems or calls to hijack your life,
or she can do one.

Well after reading your post, we spoke and went down the co-dependency issues route. During living together what she failed to tell me till now was that she was basically acting as his mother and spent a year and a half where he was in an abusive relationship, where he would come back daily complaining to her, crying and she would hug him, cook him meals, basically act as a mother as his mother isn't actually there for him at all and treats him like crap. She was worried for a whole year where she would answer instantly his calls, be at his beck and call as she thought he was going to die or get beaten again by his ex. He would then go to her for emotional support and be the only one there for emotional support for a year and a half. You are right they become co-dependant on each other, start of the relationship when she would go round it was always when something happened, and he always made it dramatic and only went to her as he was used to it and she would always go running or most of the sleepovers were because something happened or he had a bad day and would end up crying and she would have to comfort him kind of like a child. She admitted that till now she always worried if he will be there, worries 24/7 if something will happen and didn't realise how much its actually affecting everything...she also didn't realise how dependent they were on each other and how unhealthy it was and with the last month, has realised she needs to focus on herself that she isn't his mother but his friend and that I was right...he can manage on his own, and he has his partner to go to now, he shouldn't be relying on her for emotional support 24/7 it's not healthy for him either and that he has easily managed to sort things out himself and started speaking more to his partner than relying on her without any issues at all. She acknowledged it and even agreed to not see him for a good good few months to get rid of that dependency, but all the fights and things all make sense now. Even the part of not really acknowledging me and some of the situations. Basically to him I've come in and taken away his only emotional support person which would be at his beck and call, going to act out in the way that he has, even if it's petty and uncalled for from his side. I wish that most of the actual things I learnt tonight were told to me sooner and we could actually speak about them and I'm more shocked she has agreed/realised they are co-dependent and is happy not to speak for a good good few months.

A relationship this new should be easy and fun. Ask yourself if this makes you happy?
I think you already know the answer.
They are definitely more than friends.

Well got a bit of an update on this one. The guy screwed himself over, her birthday was the other day and she said can we leave the arguing and just get along for the weekend so she can invite multiple friends. I said I'm OK to do that I'll give an exception, I know the guy doesn't like me due to his past actions and other stuff and I've been nice inviting him out with us. So she goes to invite him and his partner to her birthday, I said that he won't go because I'm there, he made an excuse and not a very good one, then tried to make it a week day for 1 hour by just them...I was like there we go, she said maybe it just is that he is busy, I went nope, he just doesn't want to come out with me there. I said ask him to go out next weekend and don't mention me, suddenly he's going to his mums as always, but said he could possibly do it. She mentions me and suddenly his mind has changed. He then comes up with a crappy excuse saying he doesn't want to come as he says I hate him. She is like he keeps inviting you out places, he doesn't hate you, now can you stop and will you come along? He goes silent and ignored her entirely, she texts about another thing and he replies, which annoys her more as he ignored the question. So she asks him again, he suddenly comes back and says the last time you two argued, as we had a small argument regarding the situation of her going out and me needing someone at a tough time. He said your your bf hates me, your bf talked crap about me and said things about me, I'll come along and act civil only for you. She finally realised when the penny dropped that I was right all this time...had a massive go at him, said I never said anything of the sort and she would remember and she has told him before, that how dare he treat her bf like that and if he wants to stay in her life he needs to start respecting me and not be an a**hole, the guy put himself in it

Exactly this. They’re just doing their usual thing in what sounds like a far more long-established friendship than your relationship— you are the one that isn’t happy, therefore the onus is on you to end it with your girlfriend, regardless of what you consider the rights and wrongs of the situation. It’s not working for you, so move on.

Yes, it’s likely that, if her friendship continues like this, it will stymie other future relationships too, but that’s not your choice to make. You only get to decide on your own actions here. At the moment she’s (arguably not unreasonably) prioritising an established close friendship over a newer relationship you admit has been ‘rocky’ from the start.

I don't think you read my previous post...he admitted recently to acting not civil with me and acting like a d**k based upon some wild accusations of me calling him something that didn't happen, simply because he doesn't like me...and has been a pain these last few months because of it....gf has had a go at him over it, till now she made excuses for his behaviour till he came out and said that...she then also had a go at him treating me certain ways and not including me over the accusation as she was there at the time and knew I didn't say anything.

Somehow I don't think that still concludes to me being upset about a friendship or that I can't hold blame now, when he's come out and admitted it upsetting both me and her

Way to much drama - step away and leave them to it. They are too enmeshed in their own world. You'll always be explaining things to her. Actually it sounds to me as if she is in an abusive relationship with him and she needs to work that stuff through fully before embarking on a relationship with someone else.

As I say - step away, this relationship is damaging you

OP, one question: can you really be arsed with a relationship that has this much drama, this early on?

It's going to be a fucking exhausting relationship whether her mate is around or not (he will be) because her boundaries are frankly bizarre and you seemingly have a tendency to question your own boundaries and expectations rather than walking away from unhealthy dynamics.

How can you stand this? The guy is sexually incontinent and extremely needy. Your girlfriend puts you right at the bottom of her list of priorities.

You can do so much better than this, OP. Why are you talking about giving her a few months? Why would you do that to yourself?

You're at a great age to be single - there are tons of single women around. Why go for someone who doesn't put you first?

OP, I cna only echo other posters, both your GF and her friend sound totally immature. her friend in particular sounds like a complete nightmare. He sees your GF as a mother figure and he wants her all to himself. Added to that he sounds really narcissitic and overly dramatic and the sexual chat is just not on. OK some of these things may resolve themselves with age but do you really want to stick around to find out?

Your GF for whatever reason comes as a package, it's her plus this guy in tow. You're in a relationship with both of them basiclaly and it's gonna ruin your sanity. Do you enjoy being in a three way relationship like that? It sounds like it's unlikely to resolve anytime soon, so you may have to leave them alone unfortunatey.

No, I x-posted with yours, but it’s irrelevant anyway. Not all your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s friends will be people you like, who include you socially, make you feel comfortable, or who treat you as you would like to be treated, for anyone. Your girlfriend’s best friend doesn’t like you, and has made that plain. Until very recently, your girlfriend hasn’t had a problem with his behaviour.

Think about that. He’s presumably been in her life far longer than you have, and as you say yourself your relationship has been ‘rocky’ from the start, it’s perfectly possible she envisages him being in her life long after you. in general, I think someone would be unwise to ditch an established friendship they value for a (possibly temporary) relationship. You clearly aren’t happy with the dynamic, so why not move on and save yourself the discomfort? I don’t think he sounds like a nice person either, but it’s your girlfriend’s opinion of him that’s important, not mine. The problem is that you view this as a territory battle now, with your girlfriend as the territory.