f*ck - all my efforts in the last year have been for nothing, think this time DH and I really are going to split........

[FAQ]

had a few threads last day or two about DH and meals.....and last night about writing a note for him....well I didn't write the note - but

(I've copied and pasted from last nights thread as I really need some support right now, my best RL friend is away in Oxford today and I've already spent time on the phone to my parents and am now on my own)

I didn't write the note - decided to wait until this morning to talk about it and sort it properly - and oh yes it's sorted.

I'm currently in the middle of arranging to take the DS's to stay with my brother for a week or so in Edinburgh - I refuse to do things "his way" (in his words "My way") any longer - I've made a f*cking huge effort to sort things out in the last year (we nearly split up this time last year - but after a relate session things seemed to be getting better - and by the end of last year they seemed great - I had my temper under control, we were talking (and more) well. But apparently it would appear I've been wasting my time.

I've been told again this morning "his way or not at all"

After him telling me how "easy" it is to look after 3 DS's (7,4 and 8 months) on my own 5 days a week, and do all the housework, cooking, school run etc etc and my church commitments I threatened to go and stay with my parents for the week and leave him to sort it out and see how "easy" it was.

He told me to go then, but I don't trust him. I have a feeling that if I leave the kids with him for a week, not only will I be miserable as hell, but I fear he may either not let me back in the house on my return, or if when we split up use my week away against me and accuse me of abandonment. I can't take that risk - but I need to get away for a week or so to clear my head.

Called my parents (while he was still there in the room) but they can't put us all up, and understandibly it would be too much for my mum to cope with. However, she called my brother in Edinburgh, who then called me back and he's said we're welcome to stay with him for a bit.

I'm sure once I tell DH my plans he'll accuse me of "running off" with the kids - but I have every intention of coming back again after a week or so - I have church commitments, plus DS1's schooling to think about - don't want to start mucking around with that right now.

However, if it does come to splitting up, I'm afraid (unlike last year where I decided that I would stay in the same town) that I won't be staying round here. I want to make it work - but I can't make it work under "his" terms.

I've put so much time, effort and energy in the last 12 months (while being pg and having a young baby to contend with) towards trying to restore our relationship, but from our "dicussion" this morning it's entirely evident that not only has he been putting no effort in whatsoever, he also doesn't see the need to.

He's such a coward that when I asked him (after he'd asked me what I was going to do re going away) what he wanted me to do he said "I want the boys here with me", I asked where I fitted into that equation and he refused to say. Told me that it was "up to me" - I know it's up to me whether I stay or go - but he could at least have the balls to say whether he wants me here or not.

I just want to cry (well I have already) but YKWIM I honestly thought our relationship was improving - still not completely where it should have been (through both our faults) but felt like it was on the up and up.

He's tried to say that the "expensive crap" (well he didn't say that) mince was the issue here - but it runs a LOT deeper than that and I'm not sure I can put up with it any longer.

Well - fingers crossed - I've just asked my mum if there's any chance they could "loan" me £200 for the trip - to allow for coach fares, taxis, outings for the DS's.......and a drink or two for me . I've said that if they can afford to lend it to me when the money from my granddad's estate comes through (probably in the next 4-6 weeks - and they are the executors) they can take the £200 out of the money that is coming to me and I'll pay it back that way.

Mum doesn't see a problem with it - but it's dad that deals with all the finances (not they're not ultra traditional - it used to be her but she can't cope with it now) so she's going to talk to him.......

Does that make him your employer then? If so you're entitled to [aid holiday and also to consider action under the work time directive, assuming thatc aring for your 3 boys takes anything like as much time as my 3.

Seriously- abreak sounds sensble in this case. you may miss him, you may realise that pushing things under the carpet for a year is one thing, a lifetime another.

Good luck either way.

lol peachy - I'm no-ones employee at the moment - and that includes him.

My mum agrees that a break will be good for both of us (they get on well with him, and vice versa and wouldn't want to exclude him if we do end up splitting up). It'll give us both a chance to think about what we want.

And tbh I am quite looking forward to it Haven't been away for ages, and I do love Edinburgh.

ahhh this is messing with my head.

Usually if we're really not getting on, and he's not bothered about what I think/feel if he's going to be late home from work he just turns up late (Wednesday night for example he didn't get in until gone 10.30 and didn't tell me at all). Tonight however at just gone 9pm (when he finishes) he sent me a text to tell me he was having a drink and would be home late????

If he's not bothered if we stay together or split up why go to the effort of texting me to let me know he's going to be late???

maybe he is bothered?

well why the f*ck won't he just say it then ARGHHHHHH

why change the habits of a lifetime??

hmm - yes I suppose.........and think back until last year he did leave it until the VERY last minute to agree to go to Relate.

Suddenly realised that it was happening and he didn't really want it to???

there you go !

thinking of you FAQ, sorry this is happening xxx

thanks MP

have to say it feels a bit like Deja Vous.....

oh FGS.

I just told him that I'd already told the DS's we'd be spending half-term at my DB's. I told them because they overheard me on the phone to my mum and were asking why I was talking about Edinburgh etc. We hadn't actually discussed (DH and I) telling them that they'd be going on "holiday" for the week.......without daddy so I thought I'd better "pre-warn" him incase DS1 mentions it tomorrow.

"oh" he says.

me: "they were quite excited actually"

him: "well that was your choice wasn't it, you know what they're like if they get too much advance warning of something" (they do have a tendency to nag you constantly about "how long until.....") "you'll have to deal with it if they're getting over excited too early"

FAQ, thats what alll kids do dd's keep asking 'how long until we go on holiday' its in june

I know misdee - DS2 (4) keeps asking is it nearly Christmas yet ......we've got a big wall planner on the kitchen wall which I've been marking the days off on (as DS1 is really into dates/months/etc atm) so I pointed out to DS2 where we were on the wall planner - and where Christmas was......and told him each square with a number on it was a "sleep"......he wasn't very impressed - but asked again today is it nearly Christmas .

DH questioning my dinner again tonight. We had lentil stew/casserole/thing had it planned for a while - but was also nice and cheap.

First of all it was "was this a planned meal" (I told him it was - had the lentils in the cupboard for WEEKS now but not got round to doing anything with it). He then starts asking me what we're having for dinner tomorrow night....."stir fry" (I said off the top of my head ) - "what type" he asked. Vegeterian, pork what?

ARGHHHH Roll on 15th of Feb when I can get away for a week.........

now you see it's thing like this that really hopes that after a week away from each other DH will agree to more relate sessions or something.

He had to go out and do some extra hours at work today - needs a few more sales to reach his target, and it's the end of the cycle tomorrow - was out from 12.30 until about 6.30, came home and said he didn't get enough - so will have to go out again tomorrow - from about 11.30-4 (so back around 5).

Obviously this means that I'm stuck at home with the DS's on my own.............anyhow, he's just come upstairs with a coffee for me to apologise for the "extra hours" I've had to put in this weekend. Usually at the weekend I take a slightly "back seat" with the childcare and he sorts them out, he "knows that it means I won't be getting a proper break for nearly 2 weeks", and he's planning on taking Monday off work to help make up for it?!?!?!?!?!?