f*ck - all my efforts in the last year have been for nothing, think this time DH and I really are going to split........

[FAQ]

had a few threads last day or two about DH and meals.....and last night about writing a note for him....well I didn't write the note - but

(I've copied and pasted from last nights thread as I really need some support right now, my best RL friend is away in Oxford today and I've already spent time on the phone to my parents and am now on my own)

I didn't write the note - decided to wait until this morning to talk about it and sort it properly - and oh yes it's sorted.

I'm currently in the middle of arranging to take the DS's to stay with my brother for a week or so in Edinburgh - I refuse to do things "his way" (in his words "My way") any longer - I've made a f*cking huge effort to sort things out in the last year (we nearly split up this time last year - but after a relate session things seemed to be getting better - and by the end of last year they seemed great - I had my temper under control, we were talking (and more) well. But apparently it would appear I've been wasting my time.

I've been told again this morning "his way or not at all"

After him telling me how "easy" it is to look after 3 DS's (7,4 and 8 months) on my own 5 days a week, and do all the housework, cooking, school run etc etc and my church commitments I threatened to go and stay with my parents for the week and leave him to sort it out and see how "easy" it was.

He told me to go then, but I don't trust him. I have a feeling that if I leave the kids with him for a week, not only will I be miserable as hell, but I fear he may either not let me back in the house on my return, or if when we split up use my week away against me and accuse me of abandonment. I can't take that risk - but I need to get away for a week or so to clear my head.

Called my parents (while he was still there in the room) but they can't put us all up, and understandibly it would be too much for my mum to cope with. However, she called my brother in Edinburgh, who then called me back and he's said we're welcome to stay with him for a bit.

I'm sure once I tell DH my plans he'll accuse me of "running off" with the kids - but I have every intention of coming back again after a week or so - I have church commitments, plus DS1's schooling to think about - don't want to start mucking around with that right now.

However, if it does come to splitting up, I'm afraid (unlike last year where I decided that I would stay in the same town) that I won't be staying round here. I want to make it work - but I can't make it work under "his" terms.

I've put so much time, effort and energy in the last 12 months (while being pg and having a young baby to contend with) towards trying to restore our relationship, but from our "dicussion" this morning it's entirely evident that not only has he been putting no effort in whatsoever, he also doesn't see the need to.

He's such a coward that when I asked him (after he'd asked me what I was going to do re going away) what he wanted me to do he said "I want the boys here with me", I asked where I fitted into that equation and he refused to say. Told me that it was "up to me" - I know it's up to me whether I stay or go - but he could at least have the balls to say whether he wants me here or not.

I just want to cry (well I have already) but YKWIM I honestly thought our relationship was improving - still not completely where it should have been (through both our faults) but felt like it was on the up and up.

He's tried to say that the "expensive crap" (well he didn't say that) mince was the issue here - but it runs a LOT deeper than that and I'm not sure I can put up with it any longer.

Just popping back on for a few minutes before dashing to town - have now stopped blubbering (thank god! - didn't really want the DS's to see me like that) and had a good chat with some rl friends (while our children fought and we drank coffee ) about it.

Just need to work out when and how to get there now......

Are you near a train station ? My parents were in Edinburgh last weekend and got a great deal on train tickets, and the views are meant to be lovely too

Well not far from a train station - unfortunately I either (if I get the "cheap" option) change 2/3 - or even 4 times on some routes or just change once and pay through the roof for the privilege of traveling through London .

Think I'm swaying towards the bus.....it's cheaper, direct and because of their "enforced" stopping times - ime on that route often at service stations I'll be able to catch a quick fag en route ) - and when changes and stuff are factored in not much slower than the trains!!

I've been happy and chatty with the DS's - obviously I'm still showing something as DS1 has been an absolute gem (he's usually reasonably good - but this was like when he KNOWS that I'm upset about something).....haven't told them we're going to see my DB yet - want to get it sorted with school/tickets sorted etc first.

Resisted the temptation to buy the best pack of mince I could find (with a view to leaving the packet on the worktop after I'd cooked it). DH can have his 2 thighs that he didn't cook last night - DS's have asked for baked beans on toast - fabulous - only cost me 21p for their dinner .

god if this is what it's like trying to organise a week away with the DS's - how the hell am I going to cope if/when we split up

Try to keep positive....you are not splitting up....its only something that you think may happen! And if you do split up (and thats a big if) then you will cope!! I thought I would never cope on my own with my dd (I appreciate that you have 3) but you do get through it. For me, it was the best thing that I ever did, although at the time it was hell on earth!

You are doing a great job with your kids, in what must be exceptionally difficult circumstances....but you are doing it!

Try not to get too down....I know thats easier said that done....but you never know what the future holds. I certainly didnt.....but then I met a new DP and now have a baby!! Shit - if someone had said that to me 4/5 years ago I would have laughed them out the place.....

If you do come to Edinburgh for a break, we can meet up and slag men off over a few glasses of wine!!

Thanks Karen - I'm trying to stay positive - but even my mum when we chatted just now agreed that he's been controlling me - I just couldn't "see" it before.

I can't see ANY way that he's going to change his views/position and I'm not prepared to put up with the cr*p anymore.

I'm definitely coming up to Edinburgh - my DB has (apparently) already started cleaning his flat (he's a bachelor LOL) in preperation. And tomorrow I'm going to go to DS's school (it's only next door ) to see what their position would be on me taking DS1 out for a week.....

Meeting up would be lovely - I could get my DB to babysit his nephews - I think I could do with a nice glass of wine......

Hmm - why do I think he may be getting slightly nervous of me going away with the DS's??

He's just called (firstly to ask if he's cooking his own dinner tonight.......which he's not - I'm too soft I've cooked his chicken thighs for him.......actually it was because they needed cooking or throwing away - and I wasn't throwing away good meat [girn]). Secondly he wanted to speak to DS1.........DS1 got off the phone and I asked him what daddy wanted

"He wanted to tell me he loves me", also told DS2 he loves him apparently.......

So I reiterated that daddy loves all 3 of them - one thing I DON'T intend to do is try and sabotage the relationship the DS's have with DH. He adores them, they adore him.

Good for you! I was the same with my ex. My dd adores him and he has always been a good father. It was important to me that us splitting up would not change that...and it hasn't, thank God!

You are telling your kids the right thing! How was he with you on the phone?

I can't fault his "father skills" - he really is great at it. DS have just gone to bed VERY excited that daddy called before they went to sleep - especially DS1 - who hasn't spoken to daddy since Sunday evening (DS1 leaves for school before DH gets up and is in bed before he gets in).

He was ok with me - but he's like that - unless it's RIGHT in the heart of an argument he's cool, calm and collected. When I told him that I'd cooked his dinner (well it was still cooking when he called) he did manage a "thanks" it was all perfectly amicable.

Well thats something I suppose!

Am off to bed now...have stinking cold and could do with an early night. Will check back in tomorrow to see how you are if thats ok.

Take care...x

Thanks Karen - been good to have someone "listening" to my ramblings .

Hope you're feeling better soon.

well - he's home and we've just had a very "civil" discussion.

He proposed a "truce" until after half term. Suggest that he should move out for a week if it was just about giving us space. Turned him down on the offer, I need to get away - and besides not only is my DB looking forward to seeing his nephews for a week, he's even started tidying his flat . He's said he preferred if I didn't take DS1 out of school for a week - so we've agreed that I'll go during half term.

Doesn't want me just to use the trip as a "holiday" and come back thinking everything is ok (fair enough I don't intend to).

Then he said about this being the boy's home. How if we did decide after half term that we were splitting that he would rent a room and we could stay here. Said he'd keep paying the mortgage and the council tax. Asked if the split does happen if I intended on staying in this town - told him quite honestly I don't know yet.

Also asked if there was anything I was going to stop doing (washing his clothes. cooking dinner for him, paying the bills etc) - told him that I'd continue to do those things (for starters I can't be ar*ed sorting through the washing to take his odd socks out ).

We left it on an amicable note - reminded him that it's ER night and therefore I'd be hogging the TV at 10 - he was fine with that - we even managed a (sort of) joke about it..

So - at least we're talking amicably again (thank god)!

Yes he's from Africa - and yes a lot of the men do still see women in the "traditional" role - but I'd say 90% of his family are very westernised in terms of their thinking. When things got like this last year even his own sister (who has been living in the UK with her Zimbabwean husband almost as long as we have) was at a loss to explain the way he's behaving/reacting.

I think it's more of "personality" thing than a "cultural" thing - and what perplexes me most is that he didn't use to be like this

I don't know why he changed - and I'm not sure I really noticed a shift........I just know he didn't use to be so fussy/picky/controlling.

I don't know - but if he is at a point like that I'm not going to let it happen anymore.

Either when I get back he realises that we BOTH need to work at it, or we'll be over.

FAQ, so sorry you're going through this. Do you think he'd agree to go back to Relate? Sounds like there's far more to work through than can be resolved in one session.

X posts with Kerry!

Morning FAQ! Read through the other posts and at least you are speaking and being amicable!

Hope you are feeling little better today. I will be around for most of today so if you need to ramble thats fine!! x

FAQ - glad you're talking. He sounds as if he's half come to terms that you might split; asking those 'what if?' questions.

Well haven't really spoken much this morning - as I had to take DS3 to the Dr.s - called at 9am and was given an appointment at 9.40 (it's a 20 minute walk and I was still in my dressing gown, DS3 was't changed or dressed, and DS2 was still in pj's and hadn't had breakfast!). We got there on time though!

I called after the appointment to give him an update - as I knew that he may have already left for work by the time I got back as I had to go via Morrisons. He started telling me that he "didn't want DS3 out in the cold too much, and because he's got a wheezy chest and been prescribed and inhalor I should make sure that I put the cosy toes bit up over his chest........as he knows I fold it down).....

Well I did put it over his chest - when we got back to the bottom of our street .

Talk has all been "nice" this morning, I think since we agreed on a "truce" unless on of us does something really stupid there's not going to be any arguments - he didn't bat an eyelid when I casually mentioned that the DS's had beans on toast for dinner.....

He's accepted that I'm taking a trip away with the DS's - asked me who was paying for it.......have to confess I lied a little - told him I was.........well I am (sort of). My parents are (hopefully) going to loan me the money - and then take it out of the money that I'm getting from my Granddad's estate.......

Didn't really have time to talk anymore than that.

I'd love to go back to Relate - but I can't see him agreeing to it. I'll leave it until after half term when we've had a week apart and then broach it then. If he doesn't agree to go back then we'll be over - as going to Relate (for several sessions) is the only way I can see of getting him to understand how his behaviour affects me.

I honestly believe that if he understood what was going on from my point of view then he may consider changing - but right now he can't see the wood for the tree IYKWIM.

Going to tell the DS's this afternoon that we're taking a trip up to see their Uncle at half term. I'll explain that DH isn't coming - but shall tell them that it's because he can't get time off work. I think once I throw "uncle john" "castle", "coach trip" and other such things into the conversation they'll be fine with the idea of going without daddy.......