Wanting my baby to have my surname?

[whatdoyouthinkhmm]

Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I are in our mid 20s and ttc. We’ve been together for years and are in no rush to marry (this is on me, not him). I told him that I am keeping my surname when we marry. He was fine with that. I also said I want our dc to have my surname. My family is very small and his family is huge. He does not get on well with his father.

He asked if we could give our future dc a double barrelled surname. My only issue is if people automatically use one of the surnames rather than both. Are people more likely to refer to someone with a double-barrelled surname by their first or second name?

I am interested to hear your thoughts!

Yanbu to want to use your surname. Given the trauma most womens bodies go through just to be fertile, conceive and then carry a baby to term, it should be right and proper that whatever surname the woman uses should be handed to her child.

A double-barrel name is a good compromise, as he suggests. Everyone I know with dB names use both.

I think it's fine to keep your surname when you marry if that's what you want but he should be able to have his surname represented when you have children.

I only have one close friend with a double barrelled surname and although I’ve rarely heard her name be shortened to one, it’s just as likely the first as it is the second.

In my experience, if I use both of my surnames, then other people do too. If I drop one (either of them), they will drop one.

My kids have 2 surnames too and both are always used. I have told them they can use only one of them if they wish, but so far they choose not to.

Double barrelled is a good compromise. We did that because I wanted my name and it was also important to DC father.

Options are:

A - FirstName MiddleName Yourname
B - FirstName MiddleName Yourname-Hisname (double barrel - if you have the hypen people will almost always use both)
C - FirstName Hisname Yourname (this treats Hisname as a middle name and people probably won't use it but it is there on the passport
D - FirstName Yourname Hisname (as above but Yourname will be the one dropped).

And there are of course other combinations.

Depending on how the names sound together, I would go for B or C.

My daughter has two surnames not hyphenated and everyone has dropped
mine and only uses her fathers mine is first, so don’t make the same mistake I made and if you do double barrelled make sure yours is last, the first one is the one usually dropped and I found that out too late

If you're not going to be married then make sure you don't downsize your career to do childcare. You need to be back full time as soon as possible, with him paying half childcare - or you both go down to part time. IMO having kids without a marriage or civil partnership is risky. You see on here so often how it goes wrong and unless the woman is the higher earner, she gets shafted.

Why don't you want to get married? If you're planning to have children then it's in their best interest.

Regardless, YABU to expect anyone to be okay with their children not having their name, for no good reason.

Why? It's so common for children to have their father's surname and no one says 'the mother should be able to have her name represented '.

I mean in a good relationship it's a conversation to be had but in the absence of being married I'd definitely give the children my name (although to be fair I AM married and our children still have my surname but that was more DH's idea than mine)

Thank you everyone! Very interesting to hear your thoughts. It’s good that, in your experience, most people tend to be known by both their db names. @SpinningFloppa made a good point and I think hyphenation would be a good idea to avoid confusion. I think the db name would flow better with my name first, but it could work either way.

@passport123 @Brideandpredjudice the reason I am not in a rush is because weddings are expensive. I’m not really at a disadvantage because I earn over £10k more than DP (we both work full time).

Because why should any child have just it's mothers surname because that is what she wants?

If they aren't together then fair enough but if they are in a relationship and bringing the child up together and the father wants his surname used as well then he should have as much right as the mother to use this.

Every week on here there’s a thread from an unmarried woman who’s spent her life with a guy, had kids etc, and then the relationship falls apart and she’s shocked that she has zero legal rights and sod all cash. OP please get married first, just do a quick registry office one. If you can’t afford even that, then put off having a baby - they’re a lot more expensive than a wedding.

Yes, I know, you earn £10k more than DP! £10k is nothing. It is your body, your brain your sleep and your career that will suffer with a child, not his. He will promote, you won’t because you’ll have maternity leave, make compromises so you can pick up sick toddler from nursery, be the one the baby refuses to sleep without 2am cuddles from, etc etc.

When I met DH I earned 3x what he did. Now he’s on £200k+ and I’m on £30k.

I know, I know, you think that your relationship is different, that your guy will do a fair share of parenting and housework. Everyone thinks that.

Good luck xx

Ps do what you want with the name 🤷‍♀️ Your body is the one that’s gotta go through it.

That we both work full time / I earn more can change pretty quickly with a baby op. Does he have the option of paternity leave?

XH and I double barrelled when we married and so our DCs are all db too. I didn’t want a hyphen, but now I wish I had, because it can confuse people/computer forms etc and they end up either thinking the first surname (mine) is a middle name or they put a hyphen in anyway, which then causes issues trying to log in as it takes me many attempts to remember to try it with a hyphen!

Now the DCs are older, some use my name and some use dad’s. They’re all unanimous in hating having two names, as am i! Dad has gone back to his own name. I’m also planning to do so. Two names are a PITA. sorry!

Yeh everyone assumes my name is a middle name they never use it at all, they don’t even use both! They just use the end name so definitely don’t do what I did, worst part is can’t even change it as he is absent now and won’t let me but when I registered her I asked what way round to put the names so mine is the one mainly used and they told me to put it first 🤦🏻🤦🏻🤦🏻 Big mistake

So can I have peoples opinions and advice…

My partner and I have a 9 month old together and he has a 9 year old from previous.

My 9 month old is becoming very vocal in the mornings and I’m talking making very loud noises at 6:30-7:30am and my partner has a flat with two bedrooms so not the biggest of spaces.

He thinks and expects me to Leave his flat with our child at 6:30am to go anywhere but be there so
9 year old can sleep I understand they need sleep but again its not our child’s fault and he would rather leave me to struggle to entertain than help at all. It is yet to wake the child up also.

What would or do you guys do? Do you think he’s right for expecting me to leave at 6:30 in the morning?

Everyone knows including him what a baby does and will do.

I kept my last name when I got married. I am pregnant with our child and our child is getting her own unique last name, nothing to do with ours.

Why?

@ChantelleSCC you have posted on an unrelated thread instead of starting your own thread. You would get more answers if you posted on a new thread.

but of course you should not leave the house at 6.30. Your partner and step child will have to get used to the situation, maybe go to bed earlier if necessary.

The fact your partner even suggests you go out at 6.30 is ridiculous and a total red flag that the relationship may well be in danger due to his attitude.

@whatdoyouthinkhmm I would go for double-barreled but I'd probably want my child to have the same name as me so would you and your partner be interested in both going double barrelled?

I would double barrel.
I wish I had done with my child although we are now engaged.
Also our two names together made a very strong surname so I regret not doing it!

Because she is her own person and we are own own person too. The hang ups over last names is really old fashioned. I got my mother's last name and my husband got his mother's and fathers last name.

Easier to give our daughter something just for her.

May I ask why you have all these assumptions about op and her partner?

she could be a nurse and he could work in the local chippy. They could have 0 assets and live in a rented high rise.

do people live in cloud cuckoo land on the site where everyone is high earners being shafted out of investment, stocks and shares. Most men won’t get promoted to 200K while their unmarried partner slaves away for him, to then be thrown onto the streets at his whim (followed by her looking at pictures of her past when she was a high flying solicitor representing powerful clients all those years ago.. she sobs whilst holding her little son Noah )

Its like a bbc glossy drama on this site 🤣

In reality he works as an Amazon delivery driver and she’s a nurse. They have a rented house or small mortgaged terrace jointly. They split and she claims top up working UC whilst he pays maintanence and lives with his parents or in a house share.

Women have been okay not to have their name represented for centuries. Why does everyone only get hurt when it relates to the paternal line not being represented?