Wanting my baby to have my surname?

[whatdoyouthinkhmm]

Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I are in our mid 20s and ttc. We’ve been together for years and are in no rush to marry (this is on me, not him). I told him that I am keeping my surname when we marry. He was fine with that. I also said I want our dc to have my surname. My family is very small and his family is huge. He does not get on well with his father.

He asked if we could give our future dc a double barrelled surname. My only issue is if people automatically use one of the surnames rather than both. Are people more likely to refer to someone with a double-barrelled surname by their first or second name?

I am interested to hear your thoughts!

Can I just say with regards to a double barrel surname…. Think about the baby.

I had a double barrel surname because my paternal and maternal family have been at war with each other for generations and neither would concede so I ended up with a long Irish McName and an extra long Scottish MacName.

My surname exceeded 20 letters even excluding the hyphen. Big pro of getting married was getting shot of it. Haven’t shaken my nickname since primary of “Mick Mac” though. Please don’t do that to your kid.

Honestly I'd go to the registry office, get a very very cheap wedding done before TTC. I'm old and disillusioned now, and the number of women I know whose career prospects have improved after having dc is noticeably far fewer than the number of women I know who have been economically disadvantaged by having a child, many unexpectedly.

@Greeneggsandham202 haha yes I found it slightly amusing that women on Mumsnet think that the man is always the highest earner. I am very career driven and will definitely go back to work after mat leave. My parents would be distraught if I gave up my career for a baby. I love my job and I thrive in it. We live close to my family members, and a hundred miles from his. I earn more and have significantly more assets.

We are both in careers that we will progress in so maybe he will overtake me at some point. However, I will never give up my career that I’ve worked so hard for. @Ein and £200k?? I thought £100k was an insane amount, let alone double that. Although it seems everyone on this website thinks they’re destitute on £80k🤣

That’s a very good point @Euridicefortuna as most of us were given our father’s name rather than our mother’s. Maternal line ends but the paternal line continues.

This

With regards surname the lady name is the one used unless the surname is hyphenated.

so if you want your name used put your surname as the last half of the baby’s surname.

I think doing double barrel is a great compromise.

I have a double barrel and neither name has ever been dropped by anyone. I always say my name is pinkbear Jackson-Burke so no one ever drops it. On legal documents you also have to use both surnames so your child would always refer to their double barrel surname anyway.

Both my kids have my surname and their dads and we’re not married

We did this nearly 20 years ago and it's worked out so well . DH also changes his name so we are all the same double barrel .. it's lovely

That’s just your experience though. Maybe stop projecting

Go for double barrelled if you want to as its a nice compromise (so long as the names don't sound completely ridiculous put together), or go for just your name if you want to because you're the one going through the risks of pregnancy and childbirth so frankly I think you should get more of a say.
My youngest has my last name because of that (regretted giving my oldest her dad's name), and because its not allowed to give children double barrelled surnames in my country so that wasn't an option.

If you want both names you need that hyphen

I have a double barrelled name. No one has shortened it. I don't shorten it either. I use both initials as well.

Do think about the marriage though. It gives your partner more protection as well. If you die his guardianship of his children isn't guaranteed. In fact a lot of legal bits are just easier if you're married when kids are involved.

Yes we will potentially marry in the future because I know legal bits are easier to deal with if you’re married. However what do you mean by if you die his guardianship of his children isn't guaranteed? He will be the biological father so of course he’d remain their father. If he passed then I wouldn’t have to go to court and beg for my children. They would be my biological children.

If parents are unmarried your family can go to court to get guardianship.

It happened to a chap I knew. His partner died and although he always thought they got on, her parents fought him for custody.

Surely if a child’s parents were in a relationship when one passed away then the living parent would have the child? It’s their biological child, not their step child, grandchild or niece. I could understand if the father was estranged, but if he raised his child then he the court wouldn’t take his child away.

I have a (hyphenated) double-barrelled name, and I wouldn't say people use just one of them. Sometimes someone delivering a parcel does, but not more generally. Granted, I'm foreign and so are both parts of my surname, so sometimes people don't try to pronounce them at all, if it's not necessary XD

My DC have a hyphenated surname and it had caused no issues at all.

We used the names in the order that they sounded best / were easiest to say.

When they are older they can do what they like, and make their own decisions with future partners. We can never assume about names being ‘carried forward’, and our kids are human beings not vehicles for our imagined dynasties.

Post 18 my Dc have not stopped using both parts of the name, so far, and hyphenated names are very common amongst their friends, it’s no big deal.

Where was this? Was the father involved in the child’s normal life?

fathers automatically have parental responsibility in England as far as I know, and even if they’re not on the birth certificate it’s not hard to get. Nobody is going to give another family member child residency when one sane, safe parent with parental responsibility is around, willing and able to care for their child.

You are projecting.

There are some couples where one or both have a very common short last name e.g. Jones, Smith so double barrelling their child's last name name is actually useful for the child as their name is now distinct.

I have friends and a partner who have had errors includin

OP some people on this website and batshit and dramatic.

If your DPs name is on the birth certificate and no one in the shadows comes forward claiming to be your baby’s true father (which could also happen if married), then no of course your DP wouldn’t have to fight for guardianship ffs!

what is it with people on this site?! Do they live in a fantasy world?! Life is not a bloody movie ffs.

OP: your DP could change his name to yours. Whether or not you marry.

And if you live together as parents, and the father is in the birth certificate, of course your DP would continue as father if you died. Some mad bollocks talked on MN.

As far as I know there were no issues with the dad. The grandparents didn't win custody. But it was a fight the dad didnt need while grieving his partner.

Another lady I worked with married the father of her children when they were teens because of this issue. She was going abroad for work and the solicitor told her it could happen if she died.

Basically, if you're having a family go over all the legal bits now. Make sure you've got all the documents you need like wills etc and that you both understand the difference between being unmarried parents and married parents.

If your partner wants to get married then give it serious thought as he is the lower earner. Especially if he wants the protection marriage gives.

The surname issue is minor in comparison.

I kept my name and the kids are double barrelled (but only after we got married). We put my husband's surname first, partly because it's first alphabetically but it also sounds better that way.

No one drops either name but I am confident that is because we hyphenated the name.

In my experience of other families, if you don't hyphenate, the first surname gets dropped (which is almost always the mother's) and people end up just using the father's name.

So in short:

1. Double barrel
2. Hyphenate
3. His name first
4. Get married

😁

@Twizbe in the UK there is no such thing as custody.

In regards to child arrangements I've heard of grandparents who have fought to have regular contact with their grandchildren but having regular contact doesn't equal the child living with them.

In my family and others I know about the biggest problem is when both parents die or not around for other reasons, then kinship carers need to be found. These carers can be a grandparent, older sibling, aunt, uncle, step-parent (married or unmarried) or even a half-siblings other parent.

We changed our names to a third option that is neither his, nor my, surname when we get married. It is still a family name on his side but his Dad did not raise him, and I think this other name sounds better with both my name and the name we chose for our child.

People get weirdly hung up about this. I once saw an internet argument where a bloke tried to make the argument that if we didn't all have paternally inherited surnames we'd all end up interbread because we wouldn't know who our cousins are. Conveniently forgetting that sister exist who might have kids with different surnames.

Anyway, in your case, if your surnames work together I'd definitly hypernate and go double barrelled.