Wanting my baby to have my surname?

[whatdoyouthinkhmm]

Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I are in our mid 20s and ttc. We’ve been together for years and are in no rush to marry (this is on me, not him). I told him that I am keeping my surname when we marry. He was fine with that. I also said I want our dc to have my surname. My family is very small and his family is huge. He does not get on well with his father.

He asked if we could give our future dc a double barrelled surname. My only issue is if people automatically use one of the surnames rather than both. Are people more likely to refer to someone with a double-barrelled surname by their first or second name?

I am interested to hear your thoughts!

Hi Op

My kids have a double barrelled name. I wanted my surname but my DH was also stubborn and neither one of us would budge. The annoying thing is that DH is not particularly close with the side of the family his name is from and so doesn't have a strong attachment to it (whereas I do). But I think he felt like I was trying to "cut him out" by pressuring for my name only. In the end I just dropped it and so we compromised on the double barrel but sometimes regret not insisting on it or fighting harder. It's a bit of a faff with forms and things but I suppose not too bad. Nursery does sometimes call the kids by only one of the names (the second barrel), despite it being hyphenated.

Also, I'm not sure if it's been said already as I haven't RTFT but legally and traditionally, the default position is that the kids take the mother's name. People often wrongly assume that the default position is to take the dad's name, but this is only because on marriage often the mother's name is their married name (ie the dad's name, but they are in fact taking what is now their mum's name if that makes sense). Might be a negotiation point

We went for a totally different surname from DH family history and changed ours to match. So we all have the new family name

It’s not “just my experience” though when there are hindreds of threads all over the internet from mumsnet to Reddit moaning about the length of their double barrel names.

The other thing I forgot is there is still a stigma attached to folk with a double barrel name and no RP accent. You will either be labelled common as much or pretentious as fuck. Much as they may be more common now there are still many people associate double barrel names with different things. If you are common as muck it’s unlikely your kid will care about that. But if you’re not …

@HighlandPony my surname is 7 letters long and his is 6 letters long. They don’t sound similar. Your db surname sounds similar (the mc sound) which is why you don’t like the sound of yours.

Where do you live?

Over a third of kids, from completely normal families, (no aristocracy) in DC’s class / school had hyphenated names, simply because they had a name from both parents.

No stigma at all.

The 'weddings are expensive' is a cop out OP. If you don't want to marry then by all means don't. But you can get married for a few hundred quid. The additional costs are optional.

When I marry then I want a nice wedding too😊 my question was about db surnames and whether some people ignore the first or second name in the hyphenation.

I don’t like the length of it. Spelling it out over the phone to some halfwit in Swansea at the dvla can take a bloody long time. Everyone who hates their double barrel name mentions this. You will never pass automated security questions and will live life on hold with the pan pipes forever playing shit Taylor swift.

But if we’re going for the personal - I didn’t like the way people inputting it into systems or in forms looked at me over half moon glasses (namely auld heppy, headteacher of my primary school) like “could your parents not just have fucking agreed on a name before shagging”.

I didn’t like the way folk who got bored of saying said extremely long seven syllable surname just defaulted to my mums name because I actually don’t like her.

I didn’t like the way that everyone else’s names were always annunciated properly like and clearly but everyone was always in such a rich ti get through my twelve syllable complete name it might as well have been mr Bean. I didn’t bother about being seen as low class, I was anyway and so was everyone around me so it never bothered me but there is still a stigma.

@HighlandPony yes 7 syllables is a long surname. My child would have a 4 syllable surname if it was db. If that head teacher said that then they are very unprofessional.

She never said it but you could read it from the look on her face. Everytime she tried to say it and failed.

Double barrelling is just passing the problem down a generation. What's your double barrelled child going to do when they meet someone who is also double barrelled?

This is bonkers
unless there is abuse or neglect, grandparents will not get care of children over their biological parent.

I promise you that being married to the mother has NO bearing at all on whether children would automatically go to their father on the death of their mother. Any solicitor who says to the contrary is simply wrong.

Pick one surname from each the way Spanish people have done for generations?

Keep their own name
take on their partners surname
create new mix of their own and partners name

whatever they want really.

Babies should have their mother's surname whether married or unmarried.

Single barrelling is just passing the problem down a generation too, isn't it?