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Original poster

I just never thought I was that sexual a person until

65 replies

gggjjjkkkk · 18/09/2022 20:03

Married to my college bf, I was such a nervous anxious teenager and he was so lovely and we really connected emotionally. I wouldn't say there was ever a big physical spark between us (at least from my side) although there was of course attraction. Fast forward over a decade and a child later and I was just plodding along what I thought as quite happily. Had always been a bit meh about sex and although it could be good, didn't bother me too much. A lot of the time I just wasn't feeling it and would stop part way through and I'd always think there was something wrong with me. As weird as it sounds, even though a part of me knew it wasn't right, I wasn't sure what I could do about it and I knew sex was just part of a relationship and it's not like I was unhappy to do it. Always thought I wasn't really that sexual a person but a couple of years ago got quite close to someone who I'd known for a while and developed feelings (emotional and physical) that threw me completely tbh! Nothing actually happened but the feelings were a bit of a "woah, is this what it's supposed to feel like" feeling. Could just be that exciting initial stage that's a bit intoxicating and that kind of feeling did die down a bit but there was definitely still chemistry. This person is still in my life to some extent and I've tried to block them out but I find it so difficult. I don't even really see/speak to them that often! I know it's not good that I got close to someone else in my position and I'm not proud of it. I wish it hadn't happened but I feel like maybe it's telling me something. I know after a long time the spark fizzles out and you have to work on things though.

Has anyone else been in this situation and been able to revive their relationship? Reading another post on here about attraction makes me think that DH and I don't have chemistry really. I can look at him and think he looks nice but not necessarily in a "I'd really like to kiss you now" kind of way. In a way I wonder if this other person is all just a distraction and I need to just re focus but I wonder if I'll always have this niggle in my mind now.

OP posts:
KatieLatie · 18/09/2022 21:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Flumpymc · 18/09/2022 21:25

Was the other person a man or woman?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2022 21:29

No experience of this but from what you’ve described the issue isn’t reviving anything because what you feel about this new person wasn’t ever part of the relationship you have with your husband.

Your DH is safe and dependable, the other person is exciting and not safe and unknown, a fantasy. No way your DH can compete with that.

FlyingD · 18/09/2022 21:45

I know this feeling well. Happened twice, both times with women though

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 18/09/2022 22:11

Flumpymc · 18/09/2022 21:25

Was the other person a man or woman?

A man

OP posts:
Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 18/09/2022 22:15

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2022 21:29

No experience of this but from what you’ve described the issue isn’t reviving anything because what you feel about this new person wasn’t ever part of the relationship you have with your husband.

Your DH is safe and dependable, the other person is exciting and not safe and unknown, a fantasy. No way your DH can compete with that.

I know and I do realise it's unrealistic to compare long term relationship with something new and exciting and unknown. I suppose it was more the feelings that I hadn't really experienced before. Although I wonder if me being so young and nervous and inexperienced when me and DH first got together got in the way of that? What was surprising is the other guy was someone I'd known for a couple of years already and hadn't thought of in any other way before although we'd definitely always just clicked.

OP posts:
Smineusername · 18/09/2022 22:58

This happened to me and I blew up my life over it and honestly it was a big mistake and cost me a good ten years of productive life. The feelings were overwhelmingly strong but they did not lead to a relationship. In my experience that kind of passionate connection is not really compatible with longterm partnership, and nowadays I really really value the latter. I don't give a shit about sex anymore. But maybe it's something I had to find out the hard way. I respect you for holding back, it's not easy to do. But you are so right not to throw away something that works, it's not easy to replace

Smineusername · 18/09/2022 23:00

My advice would be to figure out what he represents to you and try to pursue that quality, the attraction is telling you you need more of whatever he symbolises

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 18/09/2022 23:04

Smineusername · 18/09/2022 22:58

This happened to me and I blew up my life over it and honestly it was a big mistake and cost me a good ten years of productive life. The feelings were overwhelmingly strong but they did not lead to a relationship. In my experience that kind of passionate connection is not really compatible with longterm partnership, and nowadays I really really value the latter. I don't give a shit about sex anymore. But maybe it's something I had to find out the hard way. I respect you for holding back, it's not easy to do. But you are so right not to throw away something that works, it's not easy to replace

Wow that sounds tough and I'm sorry you had to go through that. May I ask how long you took to come to the decision to end things? I'm well aware that it could be a huge risk and yes I think it's definitely highlighted something that I'm missing in my relationship.

OP posts:
Geppili · 18/09/2022 23:36

@Smineusername is spot on. This is limerence.

Smineusername · 18/09/2022 23:38

It was someone I had known since we were teenagers who came back into my life. Socialised with him on and off for maybe a couple of months without thinking anything of it. Then I had a dream about him one night and that was it - I had to physically get up and leave the bed and from then on I was infatuated and it was a couple of months later we acted on it. Everything turned to dust. The person I thought I was died. I remember listening to the National song, 'it's a terrible love and I'm walking with spiders, it's a terrible love that I'm walking in'.

I didn't have kids then - if I hope I would have acted differently. The thing that you are missing - excitement, passion, adventure, stimulation, risk - is not missing from your relationship, its missing from your life. It's up to you to fulfill yourself, no one else can. I would take the feelings very seriously because they are showing you that you need something, but it isn't this man, he is a symbol for something bigger

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 18/09/2022 23:52

Smineusername · 18/09/2022 23:38

It was someone I had known since we were teenagers who came back into my life. Socialised with him on and off for maybe a couple of months without thinking anything of it. Then I had a dream about him one night and that was it - I had to physically get up and leave the bed and from then on I was infatuated and it was a couple of months later we acted on it. Everything turned to dust. The person I thought I was died. I remember listening to the National song, 'it's a terrible love and I'm walking with spiders, it's a terrible love that I'm walking in'.

I didn't have kids then - if I hope I would have acted differently. The thing that you are missing - excitement, passion, adventure, stimulation, risk - is not missing from your relationship, its missing from your life. It's up to you to fulfill yourself, no one else can. I would take the feelings very seriously because they are showing you that you need something, but it isn't this man, he is a symbol for something bigger

I've definitely thought more about my life and generally how I feel about myself throughout this whole thing. It's highlighted issues that have always been there between us tbh but I guess more pressures on us/our life have exacerbated them. There's also a part of me that, because I've only ever known him, is wondering if we're right for each other anymore. But I definitely think I need to find that fulfilment within myself, I think you're right. It's difficult to do though when to some extent I feel like at times I'm doing things more for his benefit than mine. I don't think sex or intimacy should feel like work, although I know that area does take effort. You've given me a lot to think about - thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 18/09/2022 23:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

What did you do about it, if anything?

OP posts:
Smineusername · 19/09/2022 00:01

Real intimacy, emotional honesty, nakedness, vulnerability is terrifying and very very hard work

Eddieisadick · 19/09/2022 00:04

Yes. I had no sexual desire for my husband. Met someone else (whilst married) and it was like BAM. Nothing happened, husband and I had since split. I think it’s free and far between for me

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 00:07

Smineusername · 19/09/2022 00:01

Real intimacy, emotional honesty, nakedness, vulnerability is terrifying and very very hard work

We've always been very intimate I think, in other ways. We were always like best friends. I suppose I've sometimes found it hard to be fully open with myself and him for fear of upsetting him or for feeling "wrong" about how I feel about certain things within the relationship. I feel like becoming a mother changed me a lot and it also changed our relationship (understandably). Everything is a lesson I suppose and I am learning from this experience. I'm just not sure how to move forward from here

OP posts:
Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 00:08

Eddieisadick · 19/09/2022 00:04

Yes. I had no sexual desire for my husband. Met someone else (whilst married) and it was like BAM. Nothing happened, husband and I had since split. I think it’s free and far between for me

How do you mean free and far between?

OP posts:
Daydreamsinsantafe · 19/09/2022 00:15

@Smineusername I can see why you would regret it. It seems to have taken a lot from you but that’s what it is to be alive. There’s nothing wrong with you or what you felt.
Im not sure how a person is supposed to truly live if they are always looking for ways to not feel things. It sounds like that had to happen to you. Maybe you had to learn that about yourself if you see what I mean.
That was you, then, in those moments & you lived through them the best you could.

@gggjjjkkkk Just sit on your feelings and see where they take you. You will drive yourself mad looking for answers. Why not see how it unfolds? You do nothing. Just have the thoughts & the feelings and see where it takes you. They will either subside or become impossible to not act on.
just make the deal with yourself that you won’t betray anyone. If the time comes that you feel you have to act then you figure out how to live honestly without it being at the expense of anyone else’s dignity.

Eddieisadick · 19/09/2022 00:17

@gggjjjkkkk i meant few and far between! I’m pretty asexual until I meet someone that clicks. And that’s literally been 2 times in my life (am 45)

Aria2015 · 19/09/2022 00:28

So I had (have) this kind of attraction to my dh. When we met, it was like electricity and just standing close to him felt exciting and electric (it's the only way I can describe it). We still have it now (although it's not as hot and heavy as it was in the beginning). I used to think that everyone felt this way, but talking to friends etc... I realise that's not always the case. I have friends who are attracted to their dh but don't feel that 'electricity' that I feel. They still have happy and loving relationships so I definitely don't think it's essential to having a happy relationship. I don't know why some people feel it and others don't, maybe it's just like anything, sometimes someone just connects with you in a certain way. It could be a physical connection that feels like a magnetism between you, it could be that they share your exact sense of humour and have you laughing until you cry. Just one of those random things I think.

Boreded · 19/09/2022 00:28

If you were a man you’d be flamed. Get some class and stop cheating

Boreded · 19/09/2022 00:30

Boreded · 19/09/2022 00:28

If you were a man you’d be flamed. Get some class and stop cheating

Lol I will try again…

if you were a man you’d be flamed. Get some class and stop trying to justify potentially cheating

Daydreamsinsantafe · 19/09/2022 00:36

@Boreded she’d just asking how to manage some feelings. Is even a rogue thought cheating?
Be fair.

Boreded · 19/09/2022 00:44

Daydreamsinsantafe · 19/09/2022 00:36

@Boreded she’d just asking how to manage some feelings. Is even a rogue thought cheating?
Be fair.

Too many people on here just look for an excuse to cheat. It’s not ok. If you don’t work with your partner then talk to through and decide to separate, don’t come on mumsnet to ask for excuses to cheat

Daydreamsinsantafe · 19/09/2022 00:51

I’m really not hearing what you are. Relationships are fluid. Times of difficulty are normal are they not? I don’t think it’s wrong to see advice on how to manage some feelings.
Cheating requires more than thought.