Page 3 | I just never thought I was that sexual a person until

gggjjjkkkk · 2022-09-18T19:03:55+00:00

Married to my college bf, I was such a nervous anxious teenager and he was so lovely and we really connected emotionally. I wouldn't say there was ever a big physical spark between us (at least from my side) although there was of course attraction. Fast forward over a decade and a child later and I was just plodding along what I thought as quite happily. Had always been a bit meh about sex and although it could be good, didn't bother me too much. A lot of the time I just wasn't feeling it and would stop part way through and I'd always think there was something wrong with me. As weird as it sounds, even though a part of me knew it wasn't right, I wasn't sure what I could do about it and I knew sex was just part of a relationship and it's not like I was unhappy to do it. Always thought I wasn't really that sexual a person but a couple of years ago got quite close to someone who I'd known for a while and developed feelings (emotional and physical) that threw me completely tbh! Nothing actually happened but the feelings were a bit of a "woah, is this what it's supposed to feel like" feeling. Could just be that exciting initial stage that's a bit intoxicating and that kind of feeling did die down a bit but there was definitely still chemistry. This person is still in my life to some extent and I've tried to block them out but I find it so difficult. I don't even really see/speak to them that often! I know it's not good that I got close to someone else in my position and I'm not proud of it. I wish it hadn't happened but I feel like maybe it's telling me something. I know after a long time the spark fizzles out and you have to work on things though. Has anyone else been in this situation and been able to revive their relationship? Reading another post on here about attraction makes me think that DH and I don't have chemistry really. I can look at him and think he looks nice but not necessarily in a "I'd really like to kiss you now" kind of way. In a way I wonder if this other person is all just a distraction and I need to just re focus but I wonder if I'll always have this niggle in my mind now.

ladydoris · 19/09/2022 09:55

You are anticipating good sex but this does not mean this is actually going to happen. This is the thing. I hope you do not cross that bridge before considering the ethical part of it. If you do, by all means break up your first relationship first. All the best OP.

Original poster

gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 10:02

Choconut · 19/09/2022 09:52

Why don't you start experimenting a bit sexually on your own (if you don't already), vibrators, porn (there is a lot that is truly awful but there is some that is made by women for women), erotic fiction etc. You can then bring some of this into your relationship as well perhaps. The other thing is to spend time with your OH doing things you both enjoy.

I don't think it's unusual at all to not be desperate to snog/have sex with your OH at every moment as the years go by - it's generally novelty and the excitement of the unknown etc that causes that IME. But if you've juts always felt that this wasn't the right relationship for you and you got into it too young then maybe it is time to call it a day. You need to take this other man out the picture though and think about whether you're happy in the relationship you're in. You can't count on him or the feelings you think you have for him to make you happy.

Yeah I have thought about that and I think that's probably a good starting point

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Original poster

gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 10:04

Choconut · 19/09/2022 09:52

Why don't you start experimenting a bit sexually on your own (if you don't already), vibrators, porn (there is a lot that is truly awful but there is some that is made by women for women), erotic fiction etc. You can then bring some of this into your relationship as well perhaps. The other thing is to spend time with your OH doing things you both enjoy.

I don't think it's unusual at all to not be desperate to snog/have sex with your OH at every moment as the years go by - it's generally novelty and the excitement of the unknown etc that causes that IME. But if you've juts always felt that this wasn't the right relationship for you and you got into it too young then maybe it is time to call it a day. You need to take this other man out the picture though and think about whether you're happy in the relationship you're in. You can't count on him or the feelings you think you have for him to make you happy.

Experimenting on my own sexually I mean.

I see what you're saying too about the other guy, I do need to have to strength to take him out of the picture and look at my relationship. And have the bravery to either end it if I need to, without anyone else in the picture, or really work on what's missing

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SilverLiningPlaybook · 19/09/2022 10:15

Have you any idea how the other man feels? Do you think he reciprocates your feelings? Honestly, the relationship you are in doesn't sound like it is meeting your needs. Is it possible you could discuss splitting for an initial period, say a year, and during that time really assess your needs. Maybe even pursue this other man and see what happens? Since you have been together from such a young age it might be good for you both to have some time apart to see if this really is the right relationship for both of you. If you had children , the situation would be different.

Eddieisadick · 19/09/2022 11:22

If you’ve been upset after having sex, I’m sorry but it’s over. I remember lying there during sex just thinking ‘stop it’ it felt wrong. It was like having sex with a brother (don’t worry I don’t have a brother!)

Original poster

gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 11:38

SilverLiningPlaybook · 19/09/2022 10:15

Have you any idea how the other man feels? Do you think he reciprocates your feelings? Honestly, the relationship you are in doesn't sound like it is meeting your needs. Is it possible you could discuss splitting for an initial period, say a year, and during that time really assess your needs. Maybe even pursue this other man and see what happens? Since you have been together from such a young age it might be good for you both to have some time apart to see if this really is the right relationship for both of you. If you had children , the situation would be different.

We have a child so that's not really possible. I think if we didn't have a child this would be much easier (and I know deep down wouldn't just be because of this other man). When I think about separating I hate the idea of splitting up the family, our child having to go between us etc.
The other guy and I had a conversation a couple of years ago about how there was something there between us (it was a bit like addressing the elephant in the room) but that obv nothing could happen. I think we both feel it tbh still but are just not acting on anything. He's actively dating etc.

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Original poster

gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 11:41

Eddieisadick · 19/09/2022 11:22

If you’ve been upset after having sex, I’m sorry but it’s over. I remember lying there during sex just thinking ‘stop it’ it felt wrong. It was like having sex with a brother (don’t worry I don’t have a brother!)

That's what it feels a bit like, like he's a brother and it just feels a bit wrong. I think because he's sooo familiar to me that contributes to that feeling

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Boreded · 19/09/2022 12:27

Someone start a new thread ‘husband says our sex life is boring, considering leaving me for another woman’ and I guarantee you get soooo many LTB comments.

you need to work out what you have and speak to your husband, not with mumsnet

Original poster

gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 12:29

Boreded · 19/09/2022 12:27

Someone start a new thread ‘husband says our sex life is boring, considering leaving me for another woman’ and I guarantee you get soooo many LTB comments.

you need to work out what you have and speak to your husband, not with mumsnet

I have, I'm just looking for other thoughts/perspectives

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Eddieisadick · 19/09/2022 12:43

I think the posters being mean need to understand that this situation is incredibly hard. Take the other man out of the equation entirely and it’s a woman grappling with whether her marriage is over as she is now best friends with her husband not a sexual partner. I’ve had it happen and it’s horrendous. So be kind

dottiedodah · 19/09/2022 13:09

If you have been with your husband since College ,Im guessing you may not have had many other partners? In mid life we can often get into a bit of a rut and see someone else that may appeal .Question is what to do about it.You say hes dating other women ,so maybe he feels it would be too much to get with you and break up your RL? Would put a lot of pressure on him. Maybe try to distance yourself a bit? This sort of passion sounds good but may pale on breaking up your family.

Original poster

gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 13:15

dottiedodah · 19/09/2022 13:09

If you have been with your husband since College ,Im guessing you may not have had many other partners? In mid life we can often get into a bit of a rut and see someone else that may appeal .Question is what to do about it.You say hes dating other women ,so maybe he feels it would be too much to get with you and break up your RL? Would put a lot of pressure on him. Maybe try to distance yourself a bit? This sort of passion sounds good but may pale on breaking up your family.

I've never been with anyone else, DH and I are each other's first and only partner.

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Summerfun54321 · 19/09/2022 13:16

I’d be pretty gutted if my DH ended the relationship based on sexual boredom without being open and honest about it and giving us a chance to reconnect first. You’re coming from this with a view that this cannot be remedied or improved in anyway which is very defeatist. What are you doing to improve your sex life or are you expecting your DH to read your mind? Do you tell him what you like and don’t like at least?

Original poster

gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 13:21

Summerfun54321 · 19/09/2022 13:16

I’d be pretty gutted if my DH ended the relationship based on sexual boredom without being open and honest about it and giving us a chance to reconnect first. You’re coming from this with a view that this cannot be remedied or improved in anyway which is very defeatist. What are you doing to improve your sex life or are you expecting your DH to read your mind? Do you tell him what you like and don’t like at least?

We've had many many conversations about this, generally our communication is very good and although it's difficult to talk about, I have talked about this with him. I know DH is in a pretty awful position because he's happy with me, still feels attraction etc all the good things. I think he could bring more to the table tbh which I don't think helps, and this is something I've spoken about a lot with him but he can be a bit complacent with things. For example, he works a lot so I'm with our child on my own a lot of the time (don't get a great deal of support from family) and when he is around, I wouldn't say I feel like it's that much easier. So I think there's been a bit of resentment there which hasn't helped things. He does try but sometimes it feels like he makes an effort too late. One example - I cook every meal. About a week ago he cooked for me, was a really nice meal but he never does it. It was quite out of the blue and part of me was thinking, why couldn't you have made this much effort years/months ago. And be consistent with it(since then he hasn't cooked again)

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Summerfun54321 · 19/09/2022 15:01

Being lazy around the house and not appreciating you is really unattractive. I’m not surprised you don’t fancy him at the moment. Address who does what around the house and the attraction and sex life improvements may well follow. It’s also really normal to have these kind of “who does what” disagreements when you have your first child.