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Original poster

I just never thought I was that sexual a person until

65 replies

gggjjjkkkk · 18/09/2022 20:03

Married to my college bf, I was such a nervous anxious teenager and he was so lovely and we really connected emotionally. I wouldn't say there was ever a big physical spark between us (at least from my side) although there was of course attraction. Fast forward over a decade and a child later and I was just plodding along what I thought as quite happily. Had always been a bit meh about sex and although it could be good, didn't bother me too much. A lot of the time I just wasn't feeling it and would stop part way through and I'd always think there was something wrong with me. As weird as it sounds, even though a part of me knew it wasn't right, I wasn't sure what I could do about it and I knew sex was just part of a relationship and it's not like I was unhappy to do it. Always thought I wasn't really that sexual a person but a couple of years ago got quite close to someone who I'd known for a while and developed feelings (emotional and physical) that threw me completely tbh! Nothing actually happened but the feelings were a bit of a "woah, is this what it's supposed to feel like" feeling. Could just be that exciting initial stage that's a bit intoxicating and that kind of feeling did die down a bit but there was definitely still chemistry. This person is still in my life to some extent and I've tried to block them out but I find it so difficult. I don't even really see/speak to them that often! I know it's not good that I got close to someone else in my position and I'm not proud of it. I wish it hadn't happened but I feel like maybe it's telling me something. I know after a long time the spark fizzles out and you have to work on things though.

Has anyone else been in this situation and been able to revive their relationship? Reading another post on here about attraction makes me think that DH and I don't have chemistry really. I can look at him and think he looks nice but not necessarily in a "I'd really like to kiss you now" kind of way. In a way I wonder if this other person is all just a distraction and I need to just re focus but I wonder if I'll always have this niggle in my mind now.

OP posts:
ladydoris · 19/09/2022 02:59

Value what you have. It's from this standpoint that you know you want more.

Smoothsoul · 19/09/2022 03:16

My ex was my high school sweetheart. Over the years we fell in and out of love.
after having my 2nd Baby and a toddler he had an EA and I know net with her a lot. He denies physical affair. It killed my love for him. I tried so hard for a long time but I met someone else and I now know that it was never a true relationship at all I had with my ex. This one has everything. I feel loved there is lust and I love him.

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 08:46

Daydreamsinsantafe · 19/09/2022 00:15

@Smineusername I can see why you would regret it. It seems to have taken a lot from you but that’s what it is to be alive. There’s nothing wrong with you or what you felt.
Im not sure how a person is supposed to truly live if they are always looking for ways to not feel things. It sounds like that had to happen to you. Maybe you had to learn that about yourself if you see what I mean.
That was you, then, in those moments & you lived through them the best you could.

@gggjjjkkkk Just sit on your feelings and see where they take you. You will drive yourself mad looking for answers. Why not see how it unfolds? You do nothing. Just have the thoughts & the feelings and see where it takes you. They will either subside or become impossible to not act on.
just make the deal with yourself that you won’t betray anyone. If the time comes that you feel you have to act then you figure out how to live honestly without it being at the expense of anyone else’s dignity.

I have been trying to do that but it's very difficult to know what's for the best and I don't want to make a huge mistake either way

OP posts:
Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 08:49

Aria2015 · 19/09/2022 00:28

So I had (have) this kind of attraction to my dh. When we met, it was like electricity and just standing close to him felt exciting and electric (it's the only way I can describe it). We still have it now (although it's not as hot and heavy as it was in the beginning). I used to think that everyone felt this way, but talking to friends etc... I realise that's not always the case. I have friends who are attracted to their dh but don't feel that 'electricity' that I feel. They still have happy and loving relationships so I definitely don't think it's essential to having a happy relationship. I don't know why some people feel it and others don't, maybe it's just like anything, sometimes someone just connects with you in a certain way. It could be a physical connection that feels like a magnetism between you, it could be that they share your exact sense of humour and have you laughing until you cry. Just one of those random things I think.

Ahh that sounds wonderful, so great that you have that. I think you're right and it's not something that all couples have. I very very rarely "click" with people or have ever felt like that so in a way it's not easy to just ignore even though I'm trying!

OP posts:
Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 08:51

Boreded · 19/09/2022 00:28

If you were a man you’d be flamed. Get some class and stop cheating

If anything, you could say I'm trying to justify leaving my relationship to explore something else. I have no interest or intention of cheating. You can't help how you feel, I wish I could control my feelings tbh it would be much easier!

OP posts:
Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 08:53

Smoothsoul · 19/09/2022 03:16

My ex was my high school sweetheart. Over the years we fell in and out of love.
after having my 2nd Baby and a toddler he had an EA and I know net with her a lot. He denies physical affair. It killed my love for him. I tried so hard for a long time but I met someone else and I now know that it was never a true relationship at all I had with my ex. This one has everything. I feel loved there is lust and I love him.

I'm so sorry that happened but glad it all worked out in the end. I do think sometimes people who have been together so long do grow apart but for whatever reason it's really difficult to actually separate

OP posts:
Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 08:54

ladydoris · 19/09/2022 02:59

Value what you have. It's from this standpoint that you know you want more.

That's very wise. So really look at what I have and appreciate that and then from that point see if I still feel like something is missing?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 19/09/2022 08:59

Have you tried to improve your sex life? I'm thinking of something like a sex therapist not just a vague plan of your own.

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 09:06

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/09/2022 08:59

Have you tried to improve your sex life? I'm thinking of something like a sex therapist not just a vague plan of your own.

Both of us would hate the idea of a sex therapist.
Because I've been trying to go with how I feel, we haven't actually had sex for a while and now it's got to a point where I feel like we should but it feels a bit like this huge thing I need to do. I think part of our problem was at the start we were both inexperienced and learning together (both virgins before each other) and a lot of it wasn't good 🙈 so we sort of found what worked for us and stuck to it, which made things possibly a bit samey/boring. I'm not sure why but I do feel a bit reluctant to be really experimental with sex, I've always felt like that with him.
The feelings I had for the other guy were a lot more explosive than that I guess, although obviously these are all just thoughts I've had and the reality may not actually be any different.

I do want to try to get our sex life back because tbh I actually feel quite panicked about it, that we're not having it. It's something that we should be doing. I just don't want to do it but can I fake it til I make it to get back on track

OP posts:
Carproblem · 19/09/2022 09:13

Have sex with your husband, but imagine it's the hot other man, job done 😉

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/09/2022 09:15

You may hate the idea OP but it doesn't sound like you can get things where you want them to be without help.

If the alternatives are poor/no sex for the rest of your life, divorce and no guarantee of good sex in the future is it not worth a try?

Anon778833 · 19/09/2022 09:17

I met someone in my mid 20s who completely turned me into a highly sex driven person, having not experienced that before at all. The guy in question was completely wrong for me (and abusive).

I am not sure why but disordered people often seem to be good at sex.

medianewbie · 19/09/2022 09:20

What an interesting thread.
Thank you for starting it OP

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 09:23

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/09/2022 09:15

You may hate the idea OP but it doesn't sound like you can get things where you want them to be without help.

If the alternatives are poor/no sex for the rest of your life, divorce and no guarantee of good sex in the future is it not worth a try?

I appreciate that. I think I just need to be more open myself. I don't think we need another person giving advice etc. All of this is on me really. DH doesn't have the issue

OP posts:
Ladyofthelake53 · 19/09/2022 09:28

I've only ever experienced proper sexual chemistry, total primal lust with someone once in my life but it stayed with me throughout my life so far. It was someone I met before my husband and I've never experienced it since.

I do believe we are chemically attracted in some way, like a base instinct as humans

ladydoris · 19/09/2022 09:31

gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 08:54

That's very wise. So really look at what I have and appreciate that and then from that point see if I still feel like something is missing?

Show quote history

Yes. It's like, you only have a two story house and it has to be three. So I would work on my sex life dutifully and purposefully, as previously mentioned. Sex is totally worth it. But it's only a few hours thrill, it might not be the only thing that needs "growing" in your life. This puts thrill and adventure on another bracket. I would try to fix penis number one, before bulldozing everything and try to start from zero with penis number two, you might end up with a wonky house were only sex is working, even this is not guaranteed.

Ladyofthelake53 · 19/09/2022 09:32

Of course I am.attracted to other people but never like that was, that was a one off I think.

ladydoris · 19/09/2022 09:39

Fake it until you make it won't do a thing if you do the same thing all day everyday.

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 09:43

ladydoris · 19/09/2022 09:39

Fake it until you make it won't do a thing if you do the same thing all day everyday.

That's true. But I also don't want to push myself to do things I don't feel comfortable with. There have been times after sex I've secretly got a bit upset because it hasn't felt right. It's n out an easy thing to deal with either on my own or to discuss with DH as obviously it's not nice for him

OP posts:
ladydoris · 19/09/2022 09:46

It's not always about doing new things, perhaps doing things better ?

ladydoris · 19/09/2022 09:47

Who wants to change the taste of vanilla ice cream and chocolate cake ?

Original poster
gggjjjkkkk · 19/09/2022 09:48

Ladyofthelake53 · 19/09/2022 09:28

I've only ever experienced proper sexual chemistry, total primal lust with someone once in my life but it stayed with me throughout my life so far. It was someone I met before my husband and I've never experienced it since.

I do believe we are chemically attracted in some way, like a base instinct as humans

Yes I wonder if it's some kind of chemical/pheromones thing. I also think the fact I know this other guy helps. I'm not sure I could have that strong attraction to someone I've just met. It seems more than just physical. I wish it wasn't there and maybe it will just go away

OP posts:
ladydoris · 19/09/2022 09:52

I've got to bake this morning.😉
We were first timers and nerdys. A single visit to a good gynecologist did wonders. Hyper outing. A good sex ed book read together too.

ladydoris · 19/09/2022 09:52

I need to name change forever now.

Choconut · 19/09/2022 09:52

Why don't you start experimenting a bit sexually on your own (if you don't already), vibrators, porn (there is a lot that is truly awful but there is some that is made by women for women), erotic fiction etc. You can then bring some of this into your relationship as well perhaps. The other thing is to spend time with your OH doing things you both enjoy.

I don't think it's unusual at all to not be desperate to snog/have sex with your OH at every moment as the years go by - it's generally novelty and the excitement of the unknown etc that causes that IME. But if you've juts always felt that this wasn't the right relationship for you and you got into it too young then maybe it is time to call it a day. You need to take this other man out the picture though and think about whether you're happy in the relationship you're in. You can't count on him or the feelings you think you have for him to make you happy.