Dp puts the pub above everything

KangarooKenny · 18/09/2022 17:38

It would be easier without him.

MovingOutofZone2 · 18/09/2022 17:43

We are due to go on holiday tomorrow. I'm trying to sort the house as someone is house sitting for us. Our youngest is unwell and just wants to be cuddled. I still have washing that needs to be done. Dinner needs to be cooked for the older kids. I haven't finished packing and off he's fucked because I quote "he's bored"

Have you asked him why he’s not doing the things you just listed? What was his response?

I'd love to be bored but I have so much to do and I can't move off the sofa because the baby wants to cuddle.

Have you said this to him?

I made it clear I wasn't happy tonight and he still left. I'm furious and sat here crying. I'm absolutely exhausted from the baby being unwell and I've been juggling him all day on my own whilst trying to get things done.

What did you actually say?

If we weren't going on holiday tomorrow I'd be telling him to sleep elsewhere tonight. I'm sick of flogging myself whilst he does what he wants when he wants.

Do you actually want to go on holiday with this man?

It's not as simple as ltb.....we have kids, a house, a mortgage etc but I'm sick of telling him that it's a problem only for him to go more and more.

If he isn’t going to change (and it seems unlikely), then your options are leaving him or putting up with it. There’s no magical solution that involves no upheaval or unpleasantness.

altmember · 18/09/2022 17:43

Threaten to leave him on the basis that he obviously prefers the pub/drinking over a life with his family. List some times you'd like to go out and do something, and make sure that you do. Even if just to go to the supermarket on a Friday evening without dragging the kids along.

If the threat of divorce doesn't change him (be prepared to be disappointed), then you'll have to stand firm and separate. Point out that in those circumstances you'll be doing shared care and he'll have the kids every other weekend, so it'll be the same result - he'll have to halve his pub time.

ExtraOnions · 18/09/2022 17:46

He’s a shithouse … and, unless you do something about it, this is the life you are leading forever.

Please do not pack his bag, or do any of his organising for the holiday.

How old are the older ones ? Can they help you ?

if possible, phone a take-away for you are the kids (fuck all for him)

Can you go on holiday without him?

He knows that you aren’t going to split up with him, you are concerned about the kids, house and mortgage.. so why should he Change?

He has zero consideration for you, your feelings, and the needs of your children. Nothing you say will make any difference.

Fairislefandango · 18/09/2022 17:47

What a selfish man! This is completely unreasonable of him.

ChocolateSpreadOnToast · 18/09/2022 17:50

Leaving won’t be easy but of course it can be done. Thing is, what are your options? He’s checked out and not interested. So it’s either do something for yourself and your children or put up with it. He isn’t going to change. He’s a selfish twat. Your children need a positive role model and it’s not him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2022 17:50

Do you want to stay with such a man?. It would be easier without him.

You should not remain with him purely because of the kids, house and a mortgage; none of these are any real basis to stay with him.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here from you?. What are they going to remember about their childhoods. I will tell you; a constantly preoccupied and otherwise stressed out mother with their dad in the pub because that is more important to him. That is no legacy to be leaving them and you would not want this sort of relationship for them as adults either.

PaulGallico · 18/09/2022 17:50

It would definitely be easier without him. I would feed the children, cuddle the baby but I would stop packing (would ring him and tell him this). Are you taking the kids out of school - surely this just adds to problems for them with school? Also maybe in the middle of all of this - how much do you really need to be on MN - give your children your attention. Come back later when things are more settled.

TooHotToTangoToo · 18/09/2022 17:50

If there's anything that needs to be done for him, such as packing etc, don't do it.

Tbh I'd be having serious words about his commitment to the relationship and his family. He hardly seems worth the hassle

ChocolateSpreadOnToast · 18/09/2022 17:54

I hope you’re not packing for him.

Stop doing things for him. Tell him to go and live in the bloody pub if that’s where he wants to be.

katieatietwo · 18/09/2022 17:54

this is so shelfish! haha just some lighthearted humour! divorce him and invest in jemima though

Idontdoyoga · 18/09/2022 17:56

Years ago a wife would grab a rolling pin, March down to the pub & threaten, in front of all his pals, the Jackass, with a good hiding!
The stuff of comic strips.

You dare not do that but I think it might be wise to get your ducks in a row for separation. Seems like he’s checked out. I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this.
Sending a hug. I hope you can get away on holiday & hopefully have a reasonably good time.

Cliopatra1 · 18/09/2022 17:58

Don’t do his washing or packing. As for dinner let him make his own. Then tell him next time he goes to the pub not to bother comming back.

RaininSummer · 18/09/2022 18:08

3 plus pub visits a week is very selfish not to mention expensive. I do think that you need to really have this out with him or leave him as if you don't it will only get worse.

SquishyGloopyBum · 18/09/2022 18:19

He's an alcoholic op. Do not subject your children to growing up like this.

Original poster

MrPub · 18/09/2022 18:24

This has been steadily getting worse for a while. He's just walked back in and is all like "oh no, what's wrong"

I had plans to talk to him about stuff whilst we are away. I'm just completely tapped out constantly having a baby attached to me, no sleep and all the usual daily shit on my shoulders. When we first moved in together he did help more but now he does next to nothing and every chance he has to go out.....poof he's gone. To the point that a trip to the shops takes him hours, I'm assuming so he can escape parenting/housework.

I'm just totally exhausted. I literally feel like I can't breathe and despite discussing it with him on numerous occasions he's oblivious.

OP posts:

Dery · 18/09/2022 18:26

It’s appallingly selfish and immature - very bad role modelling for the children who are growing up to think women do all the parenting and men please themselves - and yes, it sounds like he’s an alcoholic. You need to give serious consideration to separating if he keeps this up.

leccybill · 18/09/2022 18:27

He's never change, if he's an alcoholic. He will put drink before you FOREVER. Do you want that?

goody2shooz · 18/09/2022 18:30

@MrPub , no he’s not oblivious. He KNOWS alright - but he doesn’t care. Sadly, mortgage or not, you need to have a serious think about your next steps. This is no way to live.

Wombat27A · 18/09/2022 18:33

Are you sure it's a pub as the destination?

WhatWouldHopperDo · 18/09/2022 18:33

So when he saw you were upset did he at least offer to help now? It sounds exhausting and he has no right to check out of family life and leave you to it.

Millions of people divorce and manage to sort out house/children/mortgage. Seriously think about doing this for another 20 years and see if that motivates you to leave.

HardLanding · 18/09/2022 18:38

He’s not oblivious. He knows. He just doesn’t give a crap. Because what he wants is more important than anything else to him.

Assuming the baby is his, the elder ones aren’t?

MovingOutofZone2 · 18/09/2022 18:40

Wombat27A · 18/09/2022 18:33

Are you sure it's a pub as the destination?

Ah, I knew this would happen. Basically everything in this post: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4601553-why-do-so-many-women-think-cheating-is-the-most-or-only-unacceptable-act?reply=118937291

Specifically, The flipside is that when anyone posts about their partner behaving appallingly, someone unfailingly comments ‘cherchez la femme’. As though his reported appalling behaviour is not entirely sufficient reason to leave…we must dig deeper and find infidelity. Which also seems to imply the possible infidelity is worse than whatever behaviour is already being discussed.

OP, his behaviour is unacceptable on its own merit. Address it. Don’t get distracted by hunting for infidelity.

PostladyPatty · 18/09/2022 18:42

MrPub · 18/09/2022 18:24

This has been steadily getting worse for a while. He's just walked back in and is all like "oh no, what's wrong"

I had plans to talk to him about stuff whilst we are away. I'm just completely tapped out constantly having a baby attached to me, no sleep and all the usual daily shit on my shoulders. When we first moved in together he did help more but now he does next to nothing and every chance he has to go out.....poof he's gone. To the point that a trip to the shops takes him hours, I'm assuming so he can escape parenting/housework.

I'm just totally exhausted. I literally feel like I can't breathe and despite discussing it with him on numerous occasions he's oblivious.

He's not oblivious, he knows full well what he is doing

He's selfish.

Having been a single full time working mum, I can tell you it is easier going it alone, well once youngest isn't a newborn. You have zero expectation level

You need to be frank with him. He sounds like he's unwilling to change so you need to decide if you're willing to go it alone and give him the choice to pull his socks up. Don't be surprised if he doesn't

MovingOutofZone2 · 18/09/2022 18:42

MrPub · 18/09/2022 18:24

This has been steadily getting worse for a while. He's just walked back in and is all like "oh no, what's wrong"

I had plans to talk to him about stuff whilst we are away. I'm just completely tapped out constantly having a baby attached to me, no sleep and all the usual daily shit on my shoulders. When we first moved in together he did help more but now he does next to nothing and every chance he has to go out.....poof he's gone. To the point that a trip to the shops takes him hours, I'm assuming so he can escape parenting/housework.

I'm just totally exhausted. I literally feel like I can't breathe and despite discussing it with him on numerous occasions he's oblivious.

So, when he walked in, what did you say? If you said nothing and continued packing (presumably for him) and being a general dogsbody, you have not helped your situation.