Dp puts the pub above everything

[MrPub]

My partner loves going to the pub, it used to be a Friday night thing after work. Now it's pretty much every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night and if he finishes work early in the week. It's about 2 hours every time smack bang in the middle of tea time/preparing dinner.

We are due to go on holiday tomorrow. I'm trying to sort the house as someone is house sitting for us. Our youngest is unwell and just wants to be cuddled. I still have washing that needs to be done. Dinner needs to be cooked for the older kids. I haven't finished packing and off he's fucked because I quote "he's bored"

I'd love to be bored but I have so much to do and I can't move off the sofa because the baby wants to cuddle.

I made it clear I wasn't happy tonight and he still left. I'm furious and sat here crying. I'm absolutely exhausted from the baby being unwell and I've been juggling him all day on my own whilst trying to get things done.

If we weren't going on holiday tomorrow I'd be telling him to sleep elsewhere tonight. I'm sick of flogging myself whilst he does what he wants when he wants.

It's not as simple as ltb.....we have kids, a house, a mortgage etc but I'm sick of telling him that it's a problem only for him to go more and more.

MrPub

Your man knows and he does not care. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and not with these children either.

Tell him you're going on holiday without him as it's easier than waiting around to get back from the pub/bar/clubhouse every time the kids want to go to the beach or pool.

The only way he will 'get' it, is if you do it. Just hand him the baby and run out the house, tell him he has to sort the kids dinner and bedtimes and school bags etc out a couple of nights a week

It’s not ‘helping’.

Minus the kids, this was my life. He was an alcoholic and always put the pub first. I left, divorced him and never looked back. Now I’m married to the most incredible human on the planet who is currently cooking our dinner and checking in every few mins because I’m on the sofa feeling pregnancy sick. Get rid. Your life will be so much less stressful without him.

I really needed to vent on here, everyone else thinks he's brilliant because he's so funny so even when I tell them the above they brush it off.

He's definitely going to the pub. That's one thing I'm 100% sure of. I know the landlady.

We've just had a massive rorowlike a propper shout one. We never do that. The shit he came out with was ridiculous. Then he came back and apologised. Hugged me etc. He's now cooking dinner and has fed the baby, I said it shouldn't have to get to the point where I'm crying over the laundry basket, whilst I appreciate the help this is a reactive reaction and I need consistent help. Every day. Not when I'm completely exhausted. And that we need to talk about the pub.

I genuinely love him. But I can't carry on like this. I'm going to go on holiday with him because we need to get away from everything but equally when emotions are calm I'm going to make it clear I'm not a maid and things are not equal at the mo.
We were so happy up until about 6 months ago.....and everything has been slipping.

I've also made plans for next weekend so he will have to get on with it all on his own then.

What happened 6 months ago? Maternity leave?

The baby happened.....well he's a little bit older than that.

Is it the drink he can’t manage without or just being in the pub? Does he always drink a few when he’s there?

Are the older kids his or is the baby your first with him?

I'd put it straight to him.

He can either be a bar fly drinking and entertaining his mates at the pub or have a family but not both.

I can't even imagine how much money he wastes each week on drink plus the fact that he leaves everything to you while he does what he wants.

Stop calling it ‘help’. He’s not ‘helping’ you by looking after his own child. Or doing chores in his own home. You need to completely reframe how you’re approaching this.

What did you actually say to him?

Just to say, OP: don’t refer to him as helping. You have a family and a household to run. The work involved with that is as much his as yours. He is not helping when he does some of that work. He’s doing work that needs to be done.

The people you know who think he is brilliant do not live with him day to day.
And stop with calling what he does "help" as well. He really does see you here as both a mug and doormat.

Do you love him really or are you confusing this state with codependency?. His needs here are not more important than your own here. His apology btw is meaningless because he will do it again and you will be in the exact same position again. You need to get off the merry go around completely.

Stop with the 'help'. That's entirely the wrong attitude from you that he's exploring.

He's adult and that means he's equally responsible for everything. He needs to know with things as they are you would be better off single, because you would be.

Just updated my post from last year. I had a partner that amongst other things disappeared at every opportunity. It felt unmanageable but god I can’t tell you how free I feel. Even though I’m technically not as Iv been left with the full time job, mortgage and kids, emotionally I’m miles better off.

Older kids aren't his.

I don't think he's dependant on drink but equally he can drink a fair bit when he wants to. He never gets drunk on it, but I do worry about the health implications.

I definitely need to stop calling it help. I definitely love him, he makes me laugh a lot and we get along so well when things are good. We have similar interests and enjoy one another's company. Just feels like since the babys been born things have changed a lot. We've been together a loooong time so it's not a new relationship.

I'm definitely going to say something 1

Sorry pressed send too soon. I definitely need to say something but I think it's better to do it when we're away and have some space from the rest of our lives.

I know I deserve better abd I'm a push over so I have to stand up for myself and stop settling for this.

You need to be clear it’s not carrying on like this. How much free time do you have versus him? You had 6 hours without baby at pub and I had 0.
He isn’t babysitting or helping you it’s his baby.
Not sure what you do for work but would an evening job or one where he had to do nursery pick up help - no pub if he’s got the baby.

After the holiday if you can’t leave him at home you need to leave this won’t change and in fact could and will get worse.

Please do not continue to inflict such a poor example of a stepfather onto your eldest children in particular because they won't thank you at all for doing that.

At the very least too he is binge drinking on a regular basis. How much money is going in the pub's direction every week; he is taking money away from your household to give the brewery. He not getting readily drunk means sod all as well; he has developed a high tolerance to alcohol. What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge has he gone without alcohol?.

Your relationship bar is also on the floor if all you can seemingly say in his favour that he makes you laugh a lot. Of course you get along well when things are good (and when things are going his way i.e you doing everything). But things have not been good for some time now and he has not assisted you at all in preparing for this holiday. When you want him to be an actual parent or fully contribute to the running of this household he disappears off down the pub.

He really does think you're a pushover and you've probably also been reluctant to say anything to him because you're afraid of his reaction.

I bet he spends a lot of time drinking on this holiday too whilst you are trying to entertain these children.

I'm definitely a push over, i really hate confrontation so I avoid it at all costs.

It's definitely good to think of it in hours that he's had to chill out vs my 0. I will mention that to him.
I work a regular 9-5 job, he does evening shifts so he's never home in the evenings. I have to juggle tea time, homework, bath, bed etc on my own during the week which is exhausting. It would be nice for him to take the reigns on the weekend.

I feel like I have some strong points to put forward to.him when I talk to him.

I don't just like him because he is funny, despite this he is a very good with my older kids. One has SEN and he manages their needs so well. He works hard at work and provides for us. He's like my best friend. Things are just shit right now.

Sounds like this roving alcoholic tragedy is 5 seconds away from living on street corner guzzling down booze from a paper bag.