Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everytime we argue he threatens to break up ...

82 replies

aalleyb · 18/09/2022 17:21

We live together and been together 18 months.
He has depression but refuses to take medication.
If I disagree with him or have a different opinion than him he threatens to break up
"I'm just gonna go"
"I'm so done"
So then I apologise so he doesn't.

Today I'm sorting the cats food out and one of them knocks it off the bench all over the floor I've just cleaned.
So I get annoyed
So he comes in "well why you annoyed for I've had enough,I'm done"

So me being annoyed at the cat makes him "done"
I'm walking on eggshells
Scared to have a different opinion
Scared to make him mad incase he goes

I'm sick of it
Why is he doing this?
Why can't we just disagree or have little arguments without him saying "he's done"
Last week I wanted to go for food,got ready etc and he didn't.
So I said "ok fine"
Then he says "your annoyed aren't you? Shall we have a couple of days apart"
I say no I'm not annoyed and he says great ...
Then that was forgot about

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 18/09/2022 18:50

He's training you

Caroffee · 18/09/2022 18:51

It's a form of abuse. This man has attachment issues. Let him go. He'll do you no good.

Fairislefandango · 18/09/2022 18:55

He’s training you not to argue with him.

^This. He doesn't like you having opinions?! Wtf?! Because you're a woman, presumably. Only an utter, utter misogynist arsehole of a man wants a wife/partner who doesn't express opinions. How you could possibly love this man I have no idea!

floppybit · 18/09/2022 19:14

My ex used to do this to me, and over the years it absolutely destroyed me. I was so frightened of being abandoned and he would threaten to leave me and our dc over the slightest thing. By the way, eventually he did leave me after all, so there was absolutely no point in me putting up with it for all those years

Ohpaella · 18/09/2022 19:14

Sorry op I was like your partner with an ex, I just didn’t want to be with him but was too cowardly to end it and did really care about him, I will say that you would be best to end it I’m sorry. Just my view on it though.

Aria999 · 18/09/2022 19:16

As others have said LTB.

Or if you really don't want to then at least call his bluff. 'Ok then, bye.'

Caroffee · 18/09/2022 19:27

aalleyb · 18/09/2022 17:21

We live together and been together 18 months.
He has depression but refuses to take medication.
If I disagree with him or have a different opinion than him he threatens to break up
"I'm just gonna go"
"I'm so done"
So then I apologise so he doesn't.

Today I'm sorting the cats food out and one of them knocks it off the bench all over the floor I've just cleaned.
So I get annoyed
So he comes in "well why you annoyed for I've had enough,I'm done"

So me being annoyed at the cat makes him "done"
I'm walking on eggshells
Scared to have a different opinion
Scared to make him mad incase he goes

I'm sick of it
Why is he doing this?
Why can't we just disagree or have little arguments without him saying "he's done"
Last week I wanted to go for food,got ready etc and he didn't.
So I said "ok fine"
Then he says "your annoyed aren't you? Shall we have a couple of days apart"
I say no I'm not annoyed and he says great ...
Then that was forgot about

He's doing it so that he has all the control in the relationship. He holds all the power. You have no voice and are allowed no feelings. Call his bluff. Next time he says, 'let's end it' reply, 'okay, when are you moving out?'

Watchkeys · 18/09/2022 19:30

Stop questioning his behaviour. Start questioning your own.

Why do you have strong feelings for someone who makes you feel like crap?
Why do you stay in a relationship that hurts you?
Why can you state an opinion he doesn't like, but you can't tell him you want him to leave?
Why do you allow him to live in your house?

Can you answer any of those?

Ratherperplexed · 18/09/2022 19:31

Being expected to put up with a tosser like that, I'd be none!

OP, just move on. Life is too short.

YukoandHiro · 18/09/2022 19:32

This is about controlling you in your own home. 18 months and you're already "walking on eggshells". Leave him and tell him exactly why.

Ratherperplexed · 18/09/2022 19:32

Typo: I'd be done

firstmummy2019 · 18/09/2022 19:32

This sounds really toxic and a real head fuck. This is not the life for you. You deserve better.

YukoandHiro · 18/09/2022 19:33

When I say leave him - given it's your house, I mean kick him out. Don't let him crawl back. You be the one that's done... with being told by someone else what sort of person you ought to be.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/09/2022 19:45

Readaboutyourself · 18/09/2022 17:27

It’s control. It shuts you down and cancels out the issue.

Honestly, leave. Aside from his manipulation, arguing about such little things is a sign of much bigger issues and he doesn’t have the maturity to work through them.

This. It’s about control. He won’t change. Life’s too short to keep walking on eggshells. It’s you who should be ‘done’.

2pinkginsplease · 18/09/2022 19:48

next time he says it pack his stuff and tell him to leave, do not ever live in fear of someone’s words.

Tsort · 18/09/2022 19:50

OP isn’t going to come back and she isn’t going to dump him. She just started another thread about them going on holiday.

Original poster
aalleyb · 18/09/2022 20:00

I'm going on holiday with my sister not boyfriend.
I'm honestly deciding what I want for the future
Not sure if this is it tag

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 18/09/2022 20:01

He’s emotionally abusing you and training you not to argue.
almost certainly if you try and break up with him he’ll escalate his threats. Very likely he’ll threaten suicide

his behaviour is entirely predictable because it is not the behaviour of a depressed person. It is the behaviour of a coercive controlling abuser who is training you to do as you’re told.

you are not responsible for his behaviour. He is.
you are only responsible for your choices. What kind of life do you choose @aalleyb ?

Hoppinggreen · 18/09/2022 20:02

aalleyb · 18/09/2022 17:33

My house (well I rent )
My name on tenancy
He was talking about marriage and kids
He hates (his words ) that I'm opinionated
I can't help myself I have to say what I think -and he doesn't like it
I feel like I can't have a voice now,I do love him but I'm scared incase I argue and it pushes him over the edge

This is awful
Men don’t get called opinionated.
He just wants you to shut up and be a good compliant little woman.
Please don’t do it

BadNomad · 18/09/2022 20:12

He's controlling. You'll probably have a fight to get rid of him because he doesn't actually want to go, he just wants you to shut up and behave.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 18/09/2022 20:16

Why do you love him? He doesn’t sound very loveable. You don’t have children together. It is your house. There is no need for you to love him unless he behaves in a loveable way.

MugginsOverEre · 18/09/2022 20:18

Wolfiefan · 18/09/2022 17:23

He’s training you not to argue with him.
Get out.
Who diagnosed depression? Sounds more like he’s a nasty piece of work.

He is. And you're falling into line. Next time say great, I'll get you a bag.

PreColumbian · 18/09/2022 20:20

How about you tell him to f* off, since he’s threatened it enough times?

mscampbell · 18/09/2022 20:46

They never change they just get worse and worse. 18 months? Should be the honeymoon period, is this as good as it gets?

TattoedLady · 18/09/2022 21:11

He hates (his words) that I'm opinionated

I had one of these. You probably won't believe it, because you love him, but he's conditioning you to not speak up. He's using your fear that he'll leave to shape your behaviour.

It took me four long years and some therapy to admit to myself - this is abuse.

Get out.