Everytime we argue he threatens to break up ...

[aalleyb]

We live together and been together 18 months.
He has depression but refuses to take medication.
If I disagree with him or have a different opinion than him he threatens to break up
"I'm just gonna go"
"I'm so done"
So then I apologise so he doesn't.

Today I'm sorting the cats food out and one of them knocks it off the bench all over the floor I've just cleaned.
So I get annoyed
So he comes in "well why you annoyed for I've had enough,I'm done"

So me being annoyed at the cat makes him "done"
I'm walking on eggshells
Scared to have a different opinion
Scared to make him mad incase he goes

I'm sick of it
Why is he doing this?
Why can't we just disagree or have little arguments without him saying "he's done"
Last week I wanted to go for food,got ready etc and he didn't.
So I said "ok fine"
Then he says "your annoyed aren't you? Shall we have a couple of days apart"
I say no I'm not annoyed and he says great ...
Then that was forgot about

'I'm done'

'OK'

'Shall we have a couple of days apart?'

'Yeah, alright. Leave your key, though'.

Makes it easier than having to get him ejected because he's refusing to leave your home.

Tell him he is right you need time apart

Get rid of him.

It’s only going to get worse.

Go and read the relationships threads - so many women stuck with self centred lazy men.

Run while you can

I'm sick of it
Why is he doing this?

You're sick of it.
Why do you keep putting up with it?

He will continue to treat you like this until you change the script.

As women, we have this natural tendency to care, to nurture, so support and we always want to help, to cure. That is why you are here on this forum asking why he does what he does and what you can do to help. You do not stop, even for a second, to see what this is doing do to you. It took me 25 years to realize that I do not have to stay to solve, to untangle, to fix, that the relationship is killing me and that I can actually just walk away. Please, do not stay a minute longer. This person, no matter what is wrong with him, is not healthy for you and therefore is not someone you should stay with and especially not someone you should have kids with. I suggest that next time he says, “I will leave” you tell him, “Please do”. Or even better, do not wait for him to say it, you go to him and say, “This is not working for me, I want you to pack your stuff and leave”.

Be strong OP and take care of yourself.

Just sat next time you say that and don't mean it I will be packing your bags.

I used to do this. I genuinely felt like every argument was the end. I had therapy and it came from my parents relationship,

I used to be similar except after every disagreement I’d think DH was going to leave me and so I’d be in such a bad mood because I actually thought he’d leave. Therapy sorted it for me too, it was because of the way my Dad dealt with people who disagreed with him.

@aalleyb If you say you love him I’d give him one chance to sort himself out- he either agrees to go to therapy or the next time he threatens to leave you will assume he will do it and that’s the end of your relationship.

My friend has just ended her relationship with her husband because of exactly this. She couldn't have a reasonable discussion without "well that's it then, isn't it, it's over, you've made yourself clear". Reader, she finally really did make herself clear and she's had a whole new lease of life without this manipulative crap wearing her down at home.

Been there. Just get rid x

Me too. It started with “I’m off”, then he really would leave & send a photo from some remote part of the world, then would come back days later for reconciliation. In the end, I just left him to it & he came back to tell me it was over.

It’s controlling behaviour designed to keep you in your place. He’s insecure & he will make you insecure, too.

I know you love him, but he doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t be prepared to throw your relationship away over something so trivial. He also sounds controlling and manipulative. He doesn’t care if you’re happy, only that you pretend to be.

I suggest you bin him and have some counselling just to work on your self-esteem. You deserve someone better, but if your self-esteem is low, you might not see that.

If I could shake you into action I would. This is a toxic disaster of a relationship, and things will only get worse. Please, please believe all of us who are telling you he has to go NOW. Don't waste another day on him.

There’s no need to tolerate this shit, just dump him.
Obviously don’t marry or reproduce with him. No reason to analyse him, or argue either, just remove him from your home. Raise your standards before picking a new bloke.

I do love him but I'm scared incase I argue and it pushes him over the edge

What do you mean by that? What do you think he might do - threaten to leave yet again, or something worse?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life treading on eggshells and pandering to someone who at best has an untreated MH issue and otherwise is just manipulative? Frankly men who don't like women with opinions are more likely to be the latter.

If not, cut your losses.

Hevis controlling and emotionally abusive.

This is not a relationship to even consider inflicting on children.

Get yourself some urgent counselling.

Your self respect must be on the floor entertaining a man who wants you to have and express no opinions.

You think you are miserable now?

Stay with this man long term and you will experience real misery.

Get him out of your home and get counselling ASAP.

My ex used to do this all the time and I wish I'd just let him go the first time he said it. Would have saved me 4 years of emotional and physical abuse.
Let him go and you'll be much happier.
Walking on eggshells all the time is no fun and NOT a healthy relationship

Call his bluff and agree that he should go if he is unhappy. Offer to help pack. DO THIS EVERY TIME he throws it out as a threat. I don't think he will be going anywhere, as others have said this is a control mechanism, he maybe doesn't even realise that's why he's doing it, he knows that if he says it you back off. Likely you keep the peace at other times so he doesn't say it.

I had this before, someone I loved. In retrospect I was being treated very badly but I couldn't see it. I wanted to make them happy. They wanted to punish me and made me unhappy. Step back from this and see if you can see it for what it is. There is no sense desperately trying to make him happy if he is not. I doubt you will push him over the edge. Either he will stop trying to manipulate you, he might try a different tack or he might go but you deserve better than walking on eggshells.

Me too. My ExH. Awful.

You've only been together 18 months. That's not a long term relationship.

Don't wait for the next argument just tell him now that the relationship isn't working and you both need a clean break.

He is damaging your self confidence. Why on earth shouldn't you have an opinion and express them - as often as you want to.

Compare yourself to the person you were before you met him and then say honestly whether being in this relationship has made your life better or worse.

Walking on eggshells and just waiting for every next temper blow up sounds worse yo me.

Thus isn't a man you want to have children with.

Change the script, darling. Next time he says he's done, ask him if he needs help packing. You need to love yourself and stop putting up with this nonsense.

A new relationship should not be this tough 18 months in!
What's the point? Get him out of your house and find someone to have fun with, like a relationship should be.
You have it all going for you, renting your own house. You don't need this joy vampire.

Get ride.
He is currently using the 'I'll just leave them' to control you and when you don't put up with that shit anymore it will be 'I'm going to kill myself' as his depression is so bad and you are driving him to it.

You are not responsible for his actions or his mental health.

Stop letting him control you. It's your house - bag his stuff and leave it out side the front door next time he is out because I bet you any amount of money if you turn round and say 'okay off you pop leave your key on the kitchen table' he won't go anywhere all you time soon.

Maybe he is depressed but what you describe is something else, emotional abuse. Please don’t waste any more time on this cruel man.

You're in a good position. Use your voice with pride. Let him go now (or even better, yesterday). He can talk about marriage and kids with some other poor sucker but he'll never be a good partner or husband. Please stand up for yourself.