How to deal with man with small penis

[Doesitmatter83]

Sorry, the title is rubbish and doesn’t at all convey my feelings on this but here goes.

I have been seeing the most incredible man for the past three months. Physically, our relationship progressed quite slowly. It took quite a long time for him to kiss me and even longer to have sex and he explained to me that he feels very self conscious about sex and intimacy. He is late 30s so quite unusual I thought for that to still be an issue. Anyway, we eventually DTD and that’s when I found out that he has a very small penis. It is around 3.5 inches when erect, maybe marginally longer. I’m guessing the size based on the size of my hand but it’s not much bigger. It’s also small girth-wise - probably 3.5 inches again. I strongly suspect that this is the source of his insecurities and I totally understand why, as he is quite a lot smaller than average.

It is not a deal breaker. I love him. In fact, I’ve never been into big penises and I get cystitis very easily. If I am honest, I actually prefer smaller. When we have sex, I can orgasm through penetration, although I do have to clench my muscles quite a bit. If I don’t orgasm through penetration, he can use his fingers and he does. So pleasure wise, it’s not an issue at all.

What I am more worried about is how to handle the whole thing. He hasn’t brought it up but I suspect at some point he will. Should I pretend I don’t think it’s small/that I haven’t noticed (surely that would make me seem dishonest?)? Should I say that actually physically it’s perfect for me due to what I mentioned above (or will he think I am lying or get offended because I am admitting it is small?)? Should I say that size doesn’t matter to me (it doesn’t, unless it’s too big!)? I don’t want him to think that I am compromising or anything so I’m worried about saying that it doesn’t matter because he might think that I am just putting up with it. I have given him oral a few times and don’t shy away from touching it so hopefully that will also communicate to him that I have no issues with it.

If anyone else has been in this position, any advice is gratefully received.

True. I think it’s always relative to the person. Anyone bigger than about 5 or 6 inches would be verging on too big for me though so I know that is not the norm.

You're going about it exactly the right way - no need to mention it unless he brings it up. Congratulations on finding someone you're so happy with!

My best sex ever was with someone with an extremely small penis. It's about ideas and thoughts and communication not just bodies.

i once had a hallucination when i was on jemima that i was with a man with the smallest m*mber in the world and i still finished so will be fine maybe just take a stimmy b4 xx

As in you told him he wasn’t small? The thing is that my bf is very obviously small, ie he wouldn’t be able to use a normal condom and presumably he knows what the average penis size is from googling. So if I was like “yeah, it’s totally normal” I suspect he would know I was lying and I don’t want to do that. I think it’s fine when it’s a guy who actually is pretty average (maybe around 5 inches or so) but it’s much harder when it objectively is small.

I think I will go with the “you’re awesome in bed” approach if it does come up. I try to do that anyway - I always tell him how great it was and how good he makes me feel and I hope that in time that will build his confidence.

If he ever mentions it say that you don’t think it’s small at all and it always gives you great pleasure and it’s the best sex you’ve ever had etc.

Do not say that anything bigger is uncomfortable or whatever - as that’s telling him that it is smaller than most guys and that you’ve had bigger, so in his mind he might think that secretly you do think it’s really small compared to other guys.

You want him to feel like his size is completely normal.

I always happen to find guys who are the complete opposite and whoever thinks a man having a big penis is a good thing is completely mad.
I’d give anything for any of my ex partners to have smaller penises.

I disagree. What's the point if you can't even feel it?

I can feel it! If I want to orgasm, I do have to clench my muscles but I can orgasm from him penetrating me. With previous partners, pain has often stopped me from climaxing during penetration and I get sore quickly (and of course cystitis). I think that for women who are built differently though, a penis of that size would be unlikely to satisfy them so I can see that for some it is a deal breaker.

Ah interesting. That’s what I was worried about with mentioning that I prefer smaller and don’t like the pain etc. I am pretty sure he knows he is smaller though. He has condoms that are for smaller sizes and his self-consciousness at the beginning suggests that he is well aware of it.

Yeah totally agree that the big penis thing is way overrated. I have heard some women say they want 9 inches or something and the thought of it makes me properly wince.

I highly highly doubt he will bring it up, if you've got to the point of having great sex and he's got past his insecurities. Why would he mention it now? If you feel like giving him a boost then just tell him how much you enjoy sex with him, not need to mention anything at all to do with size.

As an aside, I had sex with a very well endowed man a couple of times. It was terrible. I think he thought that because he was bringing that to the table he didn't need to do anything else and it was so boring. Bigger isn't always better.

She can feel it though

She can feel it.

I would be concerned about any woman that couldn’t feel something 3.5 inches long and 3.5 inches thick inside of their vagina.

I've been in your position OP. He never mentioned, it so neither did I. Like you it wasn't an issue for me- I still enjoyed the sex and loved him. 15+ years on, one marriage and two kids later and we've still never discussed it.
The fact that you are clearly enjoying sex with him will be all the validation and assurance that he needs.
By one piece of advice would be if you do have kids you'll need to ensure you do lots of Hegel exercises afterwards 😂

You’re overthinking. But if it does come up, I would be 100% positive, no need to mention size. If he asks specifically about size, I would say it’s the perfect size and, if pushed, that it’s normal size. Just as no woman wants to hear she’s got a fat arse but her partner fancies her anyway (even if true) so no man wants to hear he’s got a small duck even if the sex is good.

Thanks for the additional advice! I am hoping it isn’t going to come up so it’s reassuring to hear that it hasn’t for some. I won’t say it’s actually big or whatever because he’s no idiot and he knows. I will just say that I have no complaints and that the sex is amazing. With the fat arse thing, I think that comparison would work if he was actually average but a bit paranoid. He knows though, as evidenced by the XS condoms, so I don’t want to go down that route. If it does crop up, I will totally avoid any discussion of size.

Don't say this - he knows.

"Too big isn't good for me"
Or
"Your penis suits me perfectly"

Agree no need to discuss it specifically. If you're feeling it you could say 'I'm really enjoying our sex life'.

@youarntaguest agree.

Isn't a debit card like 3.5 inches long?

Yes, it probably is about that length. I can still feel it though and I am able to come through penetration with him. That might not be the experience of everyone else but (luckily for me) everyone else is not sleeping with him.

The way you talked about it in your op was just perfect. I would start with:" Truth be told, you're the best sex I have ever had." And then proceed to say why. You're bringing the Stradivarius in, not the basic violin. All the best OP.

Just him you have no complaints - which you don't.

focus on saying size is something you think about because it clearly works for you

A debit card is 3.37 inches long.

@EthicalNonMahogany me too.

I would not bring it up unless there is a conversation about size in general. Turn this around, has he mentioned anything size wise about your body (boobs, bum etc?) Woman can get insecure about their body in just the same way.

I've also had great sex with a much smaller than average man. He was my first so I had no idea that they're usually bigger than that. He must have known that he was pretty small but he never mentioned it. He was generally self conscious about his body though. Considering that we were both virgins when we met, the sex was amazing. I was pretty disappointed by subsequent partners - I thought all sex would be like that!

I wouldn't ever bring it up unless he does and then only say how much you enjoy having sex with him if he does. Never reference the size of his penis or say anything which seems like a comparison. Poor bloke must have been hearing comments about penis size all his life and worrying about it.

I'm quite concerned that my eldest is going to have an unusually small penis. It breaks my heart a bit to think about the comments he might get and the things he must have already heard.