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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and OW

63 replies

TheWhistler2 · 17/09/2022 20:58

My husband left me and our daughters 5 months ago after having an affair (for 7 months). He has been living between his parents and the OW's place. She lives a 5 minute walk from our family home and works nearby. They have been being openly together at her place of work but he had said they would not be publicly together in our local area, go into town for meals etc. I had asked that if this was to change would he let me know. Our eldest DD (15) was upset at the thought of her friends and other people seeing them together and knowing what he's done.

A few weeks ago I bumped into them walking along hand in hand a 10 minute walk from our home, it really upset me but would have devastated our daughters. He then took her to a wedding last weekend.

He seemingly sees nothing wrong with any of this. Aibu to think being openly with the affair partner, on our doorstep, within a few months of walking out on his family is massively disrespectful and hurtful? I had thought we were happily married until finding out about the affair and myself and our daughters are devastated.

Ever since leaving he's been saying he has no plans to move in with ow and isn't "necessarily happy" with her, yet stays with her despite our eldest dd saying she will have nothing to do with him because he's with her. He's like a completely different person. I never thought he was capable of doing what he has and ditching his kids.

OP posts:

WatieKatie · 17/09/2022 21:10

Although an affair and leaving for the OW is never easy, you are no longer together so have no control or say over what they do. I would hope that both of them showed you and your children more respect however an affair and respect hardly go hand in hand.

it must be tough to see OP. You have my sympathy.

Ilovelurchers · 17/09/2022 21:13

It's disrespectful but as a previous poster said there is literally nothing you can do, so try not to let it consume you, hard as it is. If you can, solace yourself with the fact that the bastard is her problem now!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2022 21:16

I'm so sorry OP. But if he is ok to break his family apart and shit all over his daughters opinion of him...of course he is not going to give a shit about going to events or a walk with the OW.

fedup078 · 17/09/2022 21:25

He is an absolute arsehole but there is nothing you can do about it
Maybe warn your kids that there is a chance they might bump into them so it doesn't come as such a shock if they do?

britneyisfree · 17/09/2022 21:41

What a dick!! Focus as much as you can on yourself and your children. You can't focus on him as he'll only keep disappointing you

Original poster

TheWhistler2 · 17/09/2022 22:22

I'm trying to rise above it all, but it's hard. They're telling people we were unhappily married and pretty much separated when they got together. It infuriates me. I know that the people who matter, our close friends and family, know the truth but I'm so angry about it all.

The OW had the nerve to ring me to suggest she see's our dd's to try to "sort things out with them" wtf. It's as if the pair of them actually believe they've done nothing wrong.

@fedup078 I had a talk with my daughters so they are aware they may see them together.

OP posts:

Pleaseaddcaffine · 18/09/2022 08:04

Op you have no idea what he's spun to her... He's hardly going to say I was happy but am a knob, is he.
Hope your daughters are OK, as it sucks x

Afterfire · 18/09/2022 08:07

Could you move away? There’s no way I could stay living 10 minutes away from them.

AgentJohnson · 18/09/2022 08:17

The sooner you and your daughters accept him for the lying, say one thing but do another, self absorbed twat he is the better off you will be. Hoping he won’t be an arsehole keeps you stuck, he is an arsehole and you can’t change that. What you can do is not set yourself for the fall when he repeatedly shows you who he is.

I’m sorry you are going through this but he’s been an arsehole for some time, he’s just done a good job of hiding it.

Original poster

TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 08:20

@Pleaseaddcaffine She knew he was married with kids, he told her I was awful, we were unhappy etc. I've spoke to her and sent screenshots of messages he sent me since leaving. She's also seen my fbk and instagram so she's aware it's all lies, she knows the truth, but she's a doormat and just makes excuses for him.

@Afterfire He had said he was looking for somewhere out of the area, but it's months later and he's still living between parents and hers and refuses to discuss finances, divorce or anything with me. I want to buy him out and stay here as myself and our daughters love our home. It's also perfectly located for their schools, my work and is near family and friends.

It's just a horrendous situation, I'm hoping they will eventually move. Now they are openly together and my eldest dd knows this I'll be telling more people the truth of the situation so they can't get away with passing off their version.

OP posts:

MmeMeursault · 18/09/2022 08:36

Why don't you just start divorce proceedings? Might make him wake up and realise the finality of his actions.

Afterfire · 18/09/2022 08:42

I feel for you. That’s very difficult. My ex dh left me for an ex he’d found through Facebook and upped and left me (and dd) over a 2 week period. He disappeared to London never to be seen or heard from again! (This was 14 years ago, I’m now happily remarried).

Definitely don’t feel you need to protect him, tell everyone who asks the truth. It might make them uncomfortable enough to want to go somewhere else.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/09/2022 08:46

Yes, start divorce proceedings.

StopStartStop · 18/09/2022 08:47

He sees nothing wrong with it because there is nothing wrong with it. You and he have split up. He has a new partner.

Even if it hurts, you can't stop it.

Why are you listening to anything he says? His actions speak clearly enough. Divorce him and move on. Get a lawyer.

Birch01 · 18/09/2022 08:49

“he's still living between parents and hers and refuses to discuss finances, divorce or anything with me”

he’s with another woman OP, why not start divorce proceedings? Since the law changed you don’t need him to “agree” to said divorce, even if he ignores the papers after 2 years it would go to divorce eventually.

Why not channel this anger into something proactive- Can you get yourself to a solicitor this week?

Bestcatmum · 18/09/2022 09:00

He refuses to discuss divorce ffs. Take your life into your own hands and get the divorce papers out. That will wake him up. Get that divorce done. Sounds like he wants to keep his choices open. You need to shut the door your end.

Mindymomo · 18/09/2022 09:08

Get the divorce sorted yourself, then he will have to sort out finances etc. I’m sorry he doesn’t seem to have any respect for you or your DD’s wishes.

Original poster

TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:08

@Birch01

I have spoken to a solicitor but because he completely refuses to give me any financial info or discuss anything at all I was advised the divorce could end up costing thousands.

I started the online application months ago, but apparently if he doesn't respond and I need to get a solicitor involved they would have to start the process again and I'd incur more costs.

He's still paying the mortgage and the bill's and house prices are supposedly going to drop, if this happens it benefits me when buying him out. For now as much as it pisses me off feeling I'm in limbo, from a financial perspective I'm better leaving things for a while.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:14

@Bestcatmum

I think he definitely wanted to keep his options open seeing as he was telling me he had no plans to live with her, wasn't happy etc. There is no way I'd have him back though.

If we could discuss and agree the finances I'd be willing to put the divorce in. But it annoys me that I'd have to pay for it, I'm not willing to spend potentially thousands to do the divorce if he won't discuss finances when he caused all of this. He can pay.

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 18/09/2022 09:15

Well you can't not get divorced because of those reasons @TheWhistler2, thousands of people end up in the same situation as you. The only way everyone can move on is through the finality of divorce and a clean financial break.

Original poster

TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:18

@CornishGem1975

I get that, but why should it be me incurring all of the costs? I know what he's like and he'll just continue to bury his head in the sand. If he wants to continue paying fully for a house he no longer has access to that's up to him. If he stops I'll have to get a solicitor involved.

OP posts:

Thisbastardcomputer · 18/09/2022 09:22

Some people are just tone deaf.

My friend died and her husband was walking around with his arm around a new woman within two weeks.

Jill was hugely popular, the idiot didn't understand the backlash.

Billylilly · 18/09/2022 09:23

I’m another who thinks you should also start initiating divorce proceedings. He’s called a lot of the shots and is still running things at his pace. Surely you would get reimbursed for legal fees at the settlement anyways as it’s joint money? My experience (from seeing others) is better outcomes usually come early on. The longer a divorce drags out the colder the feelings and care to one another become and the more aggressive it gets.

CornishGem1975 · 18/09/2022 09:27

You wouldn't be the only one incurring the costs @TheWhistler2 and you can ask the court to order that the other party pays the legal costs but if he engages a solicitor to fight you, he'll also be incurring a fair whack.

Financial aspect aside, I just don't get why you'd want to stay legally married to this man. I got my divorce sorted as soon as humanly possible. You realise that while you're still married, if he racks up a whole load of debt then you're liable for that? I wouldn't like that level of insecurity.

Original poster

TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:29

My ex still has his social media profiles as married and describes himself as a "husband and parent". He has our eldest daughter in his profile pic, who he hasn't seen for 5 months. Yet in certain circles he's openly with the OW. He's like a completely different person, and lies all of the time about everything.

He told OW he was waiting on me to respond to be able to put the divorce in. I've been requesting his financial info for months, he refuses to fill in either of the forms required. My solicitor said she can't advise me without this info. It's infuriating.

OP posts:

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