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Original poster

Husband and OW

63 replies

TheWhistler2 · 17/09/2022 20:58

My husband left me and our daughters 5 months ago after having an affair (for 7 months). He has been living between his parents and the OW's place. She lives a 5 minute walk from our family home and works nearby. They have been being openly together at her place of work but he had said they would not be publicly together in our local area, go into town for meals etc. I had asked that if this was to change would he let me know. Our eldest DD (15) was upset at the thought of her friends and other people seeing them together and knowing what he's done.

A few weeks ago I bumped into them walking along hand in hand a 10 minute walk from our home, it really upset me but would have devastated our daughters. He then took her to a wedding last weekend.

He seemingly sees nothing wrong with any of this. Aibu to think being openly with the affair partner, on our doorstep, within a few months of walking out on his family is massively disrespectful and hurtful? I had thought we were happily married until finding out about the affair and myself and our daughters are devastated.

Ever since leaving he's been saying he has no plans to move in with ow and isn't "necessarily happy" with her, yet stays with her despite our eldest dd saying she will have nothing to do with him because he's with her. He's like a completely different person. I never thought he was capable of doing what he has and ditching his kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 14:00

@FinallyHere

Unfortunately in April all divorces became no fault and whoever initiates pays the fees. It's not the cost of the divorce fee putting me off, it's the additional cost of a solicitors time (at approx £45 per 6 minutes it's not cheap). There is no way he will be amicable so I envisage my solicitor having to send numerous letters to try to push things along. For this reason I've asked him to see a sol and put his financial proposal to me. If we can agree I'm happy to have the consent order drafted and proceed with the divorce.

He has no assets to hide, the only thing we need to agree on is the split of our family home. In frustration I asked if he'd get on with the divorce of I gave him 50% of the value. I got no response.

OP posts:
deedledeedledum · 18/09/2022 14:13

If you still have the OW contact details maybe message her and say 'please will you push bastardxdh to provide the financials you have been asking for for months so the divorce can proceed, I can't do anything until he sends what the solicitors have been asking for' . Maybe if she realises he is stalling, she will put the pressure on and he appears that he a weak person who can't handle pressure and you will get the details you need

Stravaig · 18/09/2022 14:18

I understand your frustration and resentment about having to pay for a solicitor. But your ex could drag this out indefinitely. Stop thinking of the cost of your solicitor as money your ex is screwing you out of by being an arse, and instead think of it as the amount you're willing to invest in you and your daughters being able to move on with your lives.

Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 14:38

@deedledeedledum

When I bumped into them I told her it was him
not moving things on, I then sent screenshots of messages between us which back that up. That was weeks ago. I'm going to leave things until after Christmas, unless he stops paying then I'll see a sol and put in for CM.

@Stravaig when I stay no contact the situation doesn't upset me as much. Bumping into them and knowing they're being more public upsets me and our dd's but putti g the divorce in won't change that.

OP posts:
TongueTwistr · 18/09/2022 14:50

@TheWhistler2 I'm sorry that you're going through this, but it's my observation (from painful personal experience) that reasonable folk often protect unreasonable ones.
While it is humiliating for you and the children, your husband has abandoned his family for another woman. By oscillating between his mum's and the OW's house, he may paint himself as the victim, but as my thirteen-year-old brother told my father "if you loved me, you'd put up with the situation to be with me".
It's good for kids to have a consistent relationship with both parents, but only if the (supposed) grown-ups are being honest with themselves and their children.
He needs to own his actions and should be called out on any pretense that his relationship with his kids is unchanged.

LoekMa · 18/09/2022 15:53

if you loved me, you'd put up with the situation to be with me"

Yikes. And people wonder how people, who act like this as an adult, behaved as kids. What a curious thing to say at 13

LemonDrop22 · 18/09/2022 16:05

He soundsike he's avoiding the financial settlement in order to try to string it out as long as humanly possible. He perhaps thinks he'll pay out less if they're both 16 or 18 plus, or if you've been forced back into work.

You need a forensic accountant re his self employment and potential fiddling books/income appearance.

LemonDrop22 · 18/09/2022 16:08

In frustration I asked if he'd get on with the divorce of I gave him 50% of the value.

Now don't be doing that FFS.

Get as much as you can.

Don't let him take advayof you financially ... That's you and your daughter's money.

LemonDrop22 · 18/09/2022 16:09

You can perhaps pay most of your costs out of the settlement.

Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 16:14

@LemonDrop22

I wouldn't have actually given him 50%, just wanted to see if I'd get a response. I'll be going for as much as possible as i def can't rely on him to financially support our children.

There is no way I'll let this drag out more than a few more months, but thinking no harm in waiting to see if house prices come down. All I want is to buy him out of the family home. The children will be with me full time. I really don't care if he tries to hide any savings he might have (knowing him he won't have any).

OP posts:
bluetatoo · 19/09/2022 07:11

Just so you know solicitors don’t deal with child maintenance unless he’s a VERY high earner only the CMS do. So you appt to them for it. You can do that now and don’t need to wait.
try to focus on practicality for now and not what he’s doing/what other people think etc
I know it’s hard but one day you honestly won’t care.

Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 19/09/2022 14:08

@bluetatoo

I've done the online calcs for CM and will get less than what he's currently paying towards the bills. He's also been giving me half of whatever I've spent on our dd's since he left. This is the main reason I've not started divorce proceedings, I'm actually financially better off with the current situation, it's just hard mentally being in limbo like this.

OP posts:
bluetatoo · 19/09/2022 14:51

That’s good. Maybe he will be decent financially then and it works out. Got my fingers crossed for you x

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