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Original poster

Husband and OW

63 replies

TheWhistler2 · 17/09/2022 20:58

My husband left me and our daughters 5 months ago after having an affair (for 7 months). He has been living between his parents and the OW's place. She lives a 5 minute walk from our family home and works nearby. They have been being openly together at her place of work but he had said they would not be publicly together in our local area, go into town for meals etc. I had asked that if this was to change would he let me know. Our eldest DD (15) was upset at the thought of her friends and other people seeing them together and knowing what he's done.

A few weeks ago I bumped into them walking along hand in hand a 10 minute walk from our home, it really upset me but would have devastated our daughters. He then took her to a wedding last weekend.

He seemingly sees nothing wrong with any of this. Aibu to think being openly with the affair partner, on our doorstep, within a few months of walking out on his family is massively disrespectful and hurtful? I had thought we were happily married until finding out about the affair and myself and our daughters are devastated.

Ever since leaving he's been saying he has no plans to move in with ow and isn't "necessarily happy" with her, yet stays with her despite our eldest dd saying she will have nothing to do with him because he's with her. He's like a completely different person. I never thought he was capable of doing what he has and ditching his kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:35

@CornishGem1975

I have Home Rights registered so he can't borrow against the family home and for various reasons I'm 99% certain he won't rack up any debts.

I'd obviously prefer to be divorced from him but as I've said, I'm actually financially better off leaving things for a bit longer. I'm guessing at some point the OW will not be happy with him paying for our house and that might be when he's forced to move things on.

I just wish they'd move out of our area, I can cope with still being married to him but hate me and my daughters having to see them around here.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 18/09/2022 09:35

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where some emotional discomfort is financially beneficial/ you can buy closure by taking a financial hit. That's not unique to you, you just have to own your choices.

DarceyG · 18/09/2022 09:37

TheWhistler2 · 17/09/2022 22:22

I'm trying to rise above it all, but it's hard. They're telling people we were unhappily married and pretty much separated when they got together. It infuriates me. I know that the people who matter, our close friends and family, know the truth but I'm so angry about it all.

The OW had the nerve to ring me to suggest she see's our dd's to try to "sort things out with them" wtf. It's as if the pair of them actually believe they've done nothing wrong.

@fedup078 I had a talk with my daughters so they are aware they may see them together.

All men say they were unhappy when they probably were not until they met the new woman. Years ago when I confronted my ex and his ow she actually said to me, well at least I’m a good person! God knows what he had being saying and I was livid.

They rubbed it in my face at every opportunity, she would put elaborate plaits in my daughters hair, post pics on Facebook as a family with my dd. I didn’t see them as I was not on but people told me.

Now nothing at all bothers me, I even have their daughter who is my child’s sister at our home occasionally to play.

Those two look throughly miserable and I’m in a good contented place.

OrangeFlowersAreLovely · 18/09/2022 09:39

What a pair of cunts

J0y · 18/09/2022 09:43

TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:29

My ex still has his social media profiles as married and describes himself as a "husband and parent". He has our eldest daughter in his profile pic, who he hasn't seen for 5 months. Yet in certain circles he's openly with the OW. He's like a completely different person, and lies all of the time about everything.

He told OW he was waiting on me to respond to be able to put the divorce in. I've been requesting his financial info for months, he refuses to fill in either of the forms required. My solicitor said she can't advise me without this info. It's infuriating.

I agree with the others, get moving as far as you can with the divorce, I know he won't provide his financials but you can still start.

with regard to him saying on facebook that he's a married father, I'd update your own bio so the truth is out there. Nothing dramatic just ''facing divorce after xx years, I thought we were happy so it was hard, but healing every day, looking forward now''. Or whatever sounds authentically from you. No details. JUST THE TRUTH that cannot be re-written.

So many women paint everything as perfect on fb, I'd have the utmost respect for somebody strong enough to say ''well this shit happened to me, and I came up smelling of well, not roses, not yet but give it six months. Flowers

Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:50

I'll speak to the solicitor again to see if I can claim back some of my costs in the settlement. He's self employed and we kept our finances separate (he just paid into an account I used for bills) so it's not going to be easy to get him to be honest about his earnings.

He's refusing to speak to me re anything at all. He texts our youngest dd direct to ask to see her (she's not wanted to see him for a few weeks now though). His tries to guilt her into seeing him, not sure if I should be doing something about this? I obviously talk to dd and have said she can do whatever she chooses/makes her happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:54

@J0y

My SM is very locked down so only my close friends and family can see it anyway, they all know the truth. Tbh the people they're passing their version off to don't mean anything to me, once I tell a couple of my school mum friends what's happened it'll get out there. A few of them go to the place she works and she really didn't want her workplace being aware of the truth so I'll take pleasure in that.

OP posts:
J0y · 18/09/2022 10:02

oh he'll present himself as broke no doubt. x

AsterixInEngland · 18/09/2022 10:08

TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:50

I'll speak to the solicitor again to see if I can claim back some of my costs in the settlement. He's self employed and we kept our finances separate (he just paid into an account I used for bills) so it's not going to be easy to get him to be honest about his earnings.

He's refusing to speak to me re anything at all. He texts our youngest dd direct to ask to see her (she's not wanted to see him for a few weeks now though). His tries to guilt her into seeing him, not sure if I should be doing something about this? I obviously talk to dd and have said she can do whatever she chooses/makes her happy.

I’d also point out the emotional pressure (re making her feel guilty) and e plain NO ONE should ever manipulate her like this. Not even her dad.

LoekMa · 18/09/2022 10:13

A 15yo isnt a child anymore. Your DD is well within her rights to choose to not see her father, as is he with dialing back anything beyond the bare minimum in financial support.

SJW0 · 18/09/2022 10:34

Neither of them have morals, so no surprises they walk about like 'love's young dream'. I would not be surprised either if in six months time he filled in the form E and went for every penny he can get.

5128gap · 18/09/2022 10:49

Unfortunately she's not his AP any more is she? She's simply his partner.
I understand you want to minimise the impact of his actions, but you're not going to be able to that by trying to impose boundaries and restrictions on his new life. He's going to do as he pleases, just as he did when he had the affair in the first place, because what he wants to do will take priority over what you and your DD want.
I think all you can do is support DD to plan how she wants to play this. Is she going to tell her friends before they see him? How will she respond to questions and comments and so on.
Tbh it happens so frequently that people usually only show a momentary interest in it.

Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 11:00

It's our 10yo dd he's manipulating, the 15yo has refused to see him since he left.

@SJW0 he knows he's going to come out of the divorce financially worse off, he's the higher earner (even if he minimises his earnings) I've always done the majority of the child care and now have them 100% of the time. This is possibly why he's putting off doing it. It's also possibly because he never expected me to find out and kick him out, he's very angry and keeps saying "he had no plans to leave" bastard.

I have talked with eldest dd and advised it's better she lets people know rather than have her friends see them together and wonder if she knows. She just can't bring herself to do it. She is having counselling so has discussed the situation there as well.

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 18/09/2022 12:09

TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 09:14

@Bestcatmum

I think he definitely wanted to keep his options open seeing as he was telling me he had no plans to live with her, wasn't happy etc. There is no way I'd have him back though.

If we could discuss and agree the finances I'd be willing to put the divorce in. But it annoys me that I'd have to pay for it, I'm not willing to spend potentially thousands to do the divorce if he won't discuss finances when he caused all of this. He can pay.

I agree but I think its important you get a legal separation for your own financial safety. I divorced two such dickheads and neither of them got a penny. I took full advantage of their short lived last for the OW where they will sign pretty much anything to get rid of you then regret it later on.

J0y · 18/09/2022 12:15

It's a really mixed message to be on the receiving end of, ie
I had no plans to leave = you're responsible for this. You're in control

But also
I wasn't happy. 🙄 = maybe... try harder to make me happy? Or maybe = so, I'm not q bad guy for leaving, I wasn't happy but didn't say I wanted to leave. I wasn't happy staying either.

Hmmmmm what

J0y · 18/09/2022 12:20

@AsterixInEngland I agree. 2hen mu daughter nervously held a letter from her father in her hands, afraid to open it, I said, if you feel anything other than more love and more support after reading that letter, that is on him, not you. It was full of poor me, im not the bad guy manipulations but at least she knew to assess it from the pov of knowing that he was the adult and she was a teenager. Sure enough he was attempting to shame her in to contacting him. She was scared of him at that point.

Whadda · 18/09/2022 12:27

He’s a prick.

However, he’s a prick walking around drawing attending to the fact that he’s a prick. When it goes belly-up with the new woman, he’ll end up looking even more ridiculous because they made their relationship so public.

As for her, block her number. You don’t need to be in communication with her at all.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 18/09/2022 12:40

Do his parents know how much he has hurt his daughters? Depends on the parents of course, but I know if we had kids and my husband did this, his mother would tear him a new one and drag him to the solicitors.

I'd almost be tempted too to make sounds of wanting to try again, as it's clear he would come back if he could. You could then show that evidence to the ow/moron and show her she isn't even first option, more fool her. And obviously don't let him back, just hopefully destroy that relationship, unless she is a complete idiot.

bluetatoo · 18/09/2022 12:52

He might just be waiting a year to separate as you only need to file the past 12 months of financials on your form E?

I expect by then he will have nothing in his name so if I were you I would file for divorce I doubt you will be better off by waiting?

Original poster
TheWhistler2 · 18/09/2022 12:58

He came out with all the "he wasn't happy" crap before admitting the affair. Since then he's backtracked to he sometimes wasn't happy. In nearly 19 years together he'd never said he was unhappy, no big arguments, not many arguments at all, my daughter described our life as being perfect, I honestly (seems stupidly) thought it was too. He's basically followed the script.

@ILikeHotWaterBottles
His mum spent months asking me to sort things out with him, saying she thought he was having a mental health crisis etc, then when it all came out that he'd continued the affair she blamed me for kicking him out. She's then supported him and now won't have anything to do with me. She hasn't seen 15yo dd since he left, she was previously my main childcare when needed so it has been very hard for me.

His dad and siblings are barely speaking to him, one sister not at all. It's torn the family apart.

OW has seen and heard plenty of evidence. He has said things like if he ends it with her he has nothing (except maybe your daughters back in your life!), she knows he's said he misses me and our family. That he still wanted to sleep with me. She's literally got nothing though so will put up with anything. They're welcome to each other.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 18/09/2022 13:01

why should it be me incurring all of the costs?

You may have to pay the costs up front but there is nothing to stop you from including the costs of the divorce in the financial settlement you agree together.

Get going with the divorce meanwhile.

If you don't initiate a divorce within six months of proof of adultery, it no longer counts as a reason for divorce.

J0y · 18/09/2022 13:05

That's really hard, his mother blaming you with😵🙄😲

Time has q way of highlighting ludicrous injustices for the whayvthey really are. When she accepts her son's marriage ended over time it will take more mental gymnastics to keep holding you responsible for his affair.

FinallyHere · 18/09/2022 13:07

And what @bluetatoo said about the longer he has the more he can move assets around an appear to be poor.

Stravaig · 18/09/2022 13:36

I think you need to get quite cold and focused for a bit, OP. Stop letting his antics distract you, and get on with divorcing him. He's not going to play nice, but he can't stop you, and your solicitor will guide you through it. Then you and your girls can grieve and rebuild your lives at your own pace.

PretzelLady · 18/09/2022 13:40

This sounds so, so hard op.

No, he isn't being sensitive to you and your dds. But then he carried on an affair behind your back and painted you as the bad guy somehow 🙄. How do these people do that? Anyway, he clearly isn't a kind or respectful partner or ex. He's proven that, so I am annoyed on your behalf but not surprised that he isn't keeping to his promise not to flaunt his new relationship. Dickheads are going to dickhead.

Really sorry