Not to go ahead with 3rd?

[Changernamerjoker]

We have a 9 year old, soon to be 10 and a 4 year old soon to be 4.

our kids are our world, but they didn’t sleep (3.5 years first and 4 years second) so it’s been a long decade and it HAS taken a toll on our marriage. It feels like the fog is just lifting.

my husband earns around 350-550k a year depending on bonus and is on 200k salary. He is likely moving to a new firm in the near ish future which will come with substantial financial gains. We have about 240k cash in the bank, trying to decide what to do with that, We live in a 1.3m house with 5 bedrooms, I work through choice but don’t need to (we do have a fairly big mortgage about 63%ltv) I’m explaining all this to let you know our circumstances not to gloat, (I grew up with very little) I know we have considerably more than most.

I found out I’m pregnant and my husband wants me to abort.

I became pregnant about 18 months after we had our youngest circa 2019, and I was sent to an abortion clinic to find in relief I was miscarrying. I really hate the idea of abortion for me, although to am pro choice. I would far rather miscarry than abort, feels like nature is taking the choice out of my hands.

My husband promised to get a vasectomy after the last pregnancy but never has despite our private medical insurance.

I clearly didn’t handle the miscarried well, and it was largely never spoken about after it happened. About 6 weeks later I went out and got a puppy… I can’t help but feel there is something in that. (the dog is very well looked after and loved)

I am very very hesitant about a 3rd, if we went through the sleep issues again I’m not sure we’d survive it. I suffer terrible post partum anxiety and our last baby was 7 weeks premature, thankfully all has been fine but this is a serious concern. We’d have an under 5 for 15 years due to age gaps and I can appreciate my husband feeling this is too much, he is ready to move on (we are still mid thirties)

Despite how difficult I think 3 would be, this time round we can afford help, we can afford night nanny’s and day time help and support we’ve not had before. He doesn’t really think this is an option.

i feel that abortion is a huge decision for people to make, and I’m my position I have to question whether it’s moral? A part of me would love this baby and being pregnant with all the hormones makes this an incredibly difficult choice.

my husband will resent me if I go ahead, I’ll resent him if we don’t. How do we get through this?

He'd rather you have an abortion you don't want, rather than pay for a nanny / other help to minimise the potential impact of that child?

A child he is 50% responsible for and a child he didn't 'not want' enough to organise a vasectomy.

He doesn't sound very loving tbh OP.

You can afford help and you want the baby. If you abort you'll never get over him having emotionally blackmailed you into doing so.

You need to assume the relationship won't survive and make a decision based on that I think. For me that would be keeping the baby but it can only be your choice.

Despite how difficult I think 3 would be, this time round we can afford help, we can afford night nanny’s and day time help and support we’ve not had before. He doesn’t really think this is an option.

With your household income, what reason has he given for that not being an option in his opinion?

I’ve always wondered how much time at home with family high earners spend- I’d guess it isn’t much unless they own the company and have managers managing the day to day.

Its about time spent with the kids whilst they are growing up not how much money you have in the bank. If neither spends time with the kids they will grow up probably resentful that A N OTHER took the for days out, played footie in the park, went to school plays etc etc

no one should tell you how many kids to have but it does take 2 to plan and want another child. If you were both serious about not wanting one then you both should’ve taken responsibility

Just did an AS. OP this relationship is unhealthy with alcohol issues and him speaking badly to you in front of the kids, so aside from the current situation I think it's time to reevaluate whether it's a good idea to stay in the relationship really?

You're both high earners so financially you aren't reliant on one another in the long term.

I think there are two decisions to be made - one about the pregnancy and one about the relationship.

Well, actually for numerous reasons I can’t use contraception anymore. Hence the need for the snip.

i run my own business and work around the kids. Always have. Mine have never done more than 3 days a week in nursery and k do school pick up and drop off,

That was really the nature of this thread, but if that’s the clarity you needed then there’s the info for you.

my husband isn’t around Monday- Friday. He’s a complete write off but he’s good on weekend. Our kids love him. He’s not always good to me be he is wonderful to the kids.

Yes. We do have some pretty big issues and this is why abortion seems logical. I can understand that.

but I don’t think I want to do it?

I don't at all think abortion is logical because of that - apologies if that's how it came across?

My point was that there are two decisions you need to make: 1. Continuing the pregnancy or not and 2. Continuing the relationship or not.

In your position I would personally be probably continuing the pregnancy but ending the relationship.

As I say though, it's of course up to you.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship dynamic for the kids to grow up watching.

Do you not matter, do you not count as a human?

he’s great with kids but is a dick to me!!!

read that and imagine saying that to your teenage self that one day you have kids, a husband , money, lifestyle etc but the man you marry will not respect you - is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life?

He’s not always great. He can be pretty terrible and childish. Sometimes I’m not easy too.

that’s not what this threat is about, it was to try to understand how to decide to keep the baby or not?

from the sounds of things, it sounds like you all think because the relationship is dub I probably shouldn’t. I’ll book an appointment then.

How do you feel about continuing the pregnancy but doing so as a single parent? Is that preferable to staying in the relationship with resentment on either side?

I'm not suggesting there is a right or wrong answer here. Just that this seems to be the choice you are suggesting you have?

You could try to be pragmatic about it and build the case for both and then see how you feel with each hypothetical outcome.

Relationship problems aside - you've had a decade of no sleep and bad PND. Those two things would be enough for me to terminate. You really need to think about your own health (physical and mental) very carefully because once you're in it again there's no going back.

I’d ditch the husband and keep the baby

Take a breath OP.

Not everyone has said that at all?

They've said there are other issues at play in general, not that those issues mean they think you should definitely terminate.

And even if someone did think that, it shouldn't influence you strongly enough that you feel obliged to make an appointment to terminate.

Because you have the funds available, I think some counselling (just you, not couples) as soon as possible (like this week) to talk things through with a professional in order to process what's happening and make a decision.

Same..

Op if you want to have this baby please have it.
Your post is quite passive - I mean this kindly. You say I was sent for an abortion. Because other people who don’t know you in real life on Mumsnet think you should have an abortion you are going to have one.
Its ok to have this baby.
If you want to have then baby - and your posts says you do then have it. Do you have real life support and people who will help you?

Absolutely none at all.

I’ve manage my kids completely solo. The nearest grandparents are 200 miles away and in bad health. We have absolutely no help.

my point is, I can have a fully time night nanny and day nanny this time for a year, whilst I’m off too. So maybe this time it would be different?

I think you need to explore the above ^ (nanny option) more with your husband and why he doesn’t think it’s an option. On a side note, would you want nanny’s helping to look after your baby and be around your house?

@Changernamerjoker

I don’t think you should have an abortion because strangers on the internet think so.

I know many women who regretted having an abortion. I don’t know any who regretted having one more child.
And there are many men who originally didn’t want one more, but that was quickly forgotten once the baby arrived.

Yes, your relationship isn’t perfect. But are there really many perfect relationships?
If you needed a new house, or couldn’t afford help - then of course, this decision would be a different one.
But you have done it all. You know how to manage it. And you can afford help.
And as to post partum MH issues - you know the signs, you also know that you can manage them (- I did as well, and was on meds, so I know it can be done)

You don’t sound like you any an abortion, or will be able to handle it.
But with a nanny, and using all the learnings from your years of parenting - you can manage one more baby. Your eldest will be in secondary soon, youngest will be at school too. So - that will be a help.

As to your H not thinking nannies are an option - too bad. He could have got a snip. He didn’t. He can’t force you to have an abortion because he didn’t bother to use protection.
You have your income - you say you don’t need to work but chose to. You can surely choose to spend it on the nanny.

Anyway. What I am trying to say is - listen to yourself and your body. Have an abortion is this is what YOU want. You are in a fortunate position to be able to afford it and give it a good life.

What reason has he given for a nanny not being an option OP?

And why do you think that means it's true?

You have a history as a high earner IIRC and even if you were to split, you'd get excellent maintenance due to his job.

If you don't split, it's family money so he doesn't get to override you and cast the final vote re childcare.

What reason has he given so far for his opinion that a nanny isn't an option? Because it would certainly help a lot, you could even get a night nanny.

So it sounds like he's looking for ways to scare you into aborting rather than genuinely looking at options.

Do you actually want another baby? The issue for you seems to be about abortion, not about the actual reality of a baby. Abortion isn't immoral.

Your H seems to think he gets to decide lots of things with very little responsibility. Sex with no snip, decisions with no parenting, deciding nannies aren't an option without offering an alternative.

Decide if you want a baby or not and plan around that.

With that level of income, his presence in your home and your own business I'm really uncertain as to why you're letting him decide? I mean, he's not very helpful, you have a good income and will get an absolute tonne of maintenance? So if he doesn't like it, speaks to you like shit, tries to pressure you into multiple abortions and is never there, I'd be looking at divorce and keeping the baby.

I would never abort in your position. Never.

I would never forgive myself, or my husband.

I would keep the baby, use that as a starting point, and work everything else from there.

If you don't want an abortion, then don't get one. It's your choice and yours alone.

Your marriage doesn't sound great and a 3rd definitely won't make it any better. But what if you terminate and then split from your husband anyway? How would you feel about that?
And even if you don't split after a termination, how do you think would you view your husband? Would you manage not to hold it against him?

With your level of household income, I really don't see why you say you have zero help with the kids. It sounds like you won't allow yourself any help. You can get the best professional help imaginable, you just need to get organised.

You're in such an good position if you do split.

Based on a 50/50 share as a starting point (and you could get more), you'd walk away from a split with:

50% of whatever equity the £1m+ home has
£120k from savings
£40k+ maintenance a year due to rise when his new job starts

Plus your FT job before going PT was a six figure one.

So you don't need to make a decision based on money and could buy a home outright and self fund a nanny or even childcare and a night nanny.

i think to break this down into simple language.

i would like to have the baby but an terrified.

my husband simply doesn’t want it. I know he would feel differently if it was here, and would love it, but right now he doesn’t want that to happen.

Morality doesn't enter into it.
Do you want another baby?
Can you face an abortion?

The decision is yours. But either way, he needs a vasectomy.