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Original poster

Not to go ahead with 3rd?

78 replies

Changernamerjoker · 17/09/2022 11:58

We have a 9 year old, soon to be 10 and a 4 year old soon to be 4.

our kids are our world, but they didn’t sleep (3.5 years first and 4 years second) so it’s been a long decade and it HAS taken a toll on our marriage. It feels like the fog is just lifting.

my husband earns around 350-550k a year depending on bonus and is on 200k salary. He is likely moving to a new firm in the near ish future which will come with substantial financial gains. We have about 240k cash in the bank, trying to decide what to do with that, We live in a 1.3m house with 5 bedrooms, I work through choice but don’t need to (we do have a fairly big mortgage about 63%ltv) I’m explaining all this to let you know our circumstances not to gloat, (I grew up with very little) I know we have considerably more than most.

I found out I’m pregnant and my husband wants me to abort.

I became pregnant about 18 months after we had our youngest circa 2019, and I was sent to an abortion clinic to find in relief I was miscarrying. I really hate the idea of abortion for me, although to am pro choice. I would far rather miscarry than abort, feels like nature is taking the choice out of my hands.

My husband promised to get a vasectomy after the last pregnancy but never has despite our private medical insurance.

I clearly didn’t handle the miscarried well, and it was largely never spoken about after it happened. About 6 weeks later I went out and got a puppy… I can’t help but feel there is something in that. (the dog is very well looked after and loved)

I am very very hesitant about a 3rd, if we went through the sleep issues again I’m not sure we’d survive it. I suffer terrible post partum anxiety and our last baby was 7 weeks premature, thankfully all has been fine but this is a serious concern. We’d have an under 5 for 15 years due to age gaps and I can appreciate my husband feeling this is too much, he is ready to move on (we are still mid thirties)

Despite how difficult I think 3 would be, this time round we can afford help, we can afford night nanny’s and day time help and support we’ve not had before. He doesn’t really think this is an option.

i feel that abortion is a huge decision for people to make, and I’m my position I have to question whether it’s moral? A part of me would love this baby and being pregnant with all the hormones makes this an incredibly difficult choice.

my husband will resent me if I go ahead, I’ll resent him if we don’t. How do we get through this?

OP posts:
Pumpkinbite · 17/09/2022 13:32

So he won’t get the snip but you can get an abortion
that’s handy for him

at that income why are you not hiring help if you’re struggling?

if you want the baby have the baby
but do sort or leave your marriage
your husband clearly isn’t thinking about you or showing empathy for you, you both need to deal with the miscarriage
and why aren’t you talking about the possibility of pregnancy / what you’ll do if it happens / that you want to keep it etc
your communication and understanding of each other sounds poor
you say he’s not nice to you and he’s modelling that to the kids
and he pressuring you into abortions

and he’s not around anyway? So frankly why does it matter to him if you have the baby or not, sounds like you do everything anyway

Sarahcoggles · 17/09/2022 13:34

What are you terrified of?

Ilovechoc12 · 17/09/2022 13:36

If you want the baby - great - decision made

It will be you that will struggle massively if you terminate ….. as it can mess with peoples minds as it’s not an easy thing to do.

bonus you have cash on your side for extra help - nannies / cleaner etc

your body, your baby - you will be great as long as YOU have made your mind up. Don’t let him force you to terminate if it’s against your wishes - you will always regret it if you do what he wants

Pegsmum · 17/09/2022 13:40

If you would like to have another baby, tell your husband you want the baby and carry on with this pregnancy.
I could write loads more but it really is as simple as that. Good luck.

Original poster
Changernamerjoker · 17/09/2022 13:41

Being alone. 15 years of children that don’t sleep? Not coping? Falling apart and that being negative for my older children. Lots of things

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 17/09/2022 13:52

in your situation I would do it as long as I could have the night nanny. I don’t do well with no sleep so if I couldn’t have the night nanny I would abort.

Hastingsontheup · 17/09/2022 14:38

Changernamerjoker · 17/09/2022 13:25

i think to break this down into simple language.

i would like to have the baby but an terrified.

my husband simply doesn’t want it. I know he would feel differently if it was here, and would love it, but right now he doesn’t want that to happen.

But he didn't not want it enough to get a vasectomy?

It is ultimately your decision as others have said you could do it alone.

Babyroobs · 17/09/2022 14:46

Ditch the husband, have the baby and claim loads of child maintenance.

0live · 17/09/2022 14:54

Changernamerjoker · 17/09/2022 13:41

Being alone. 15 years of children that don’t sleep? Not coping? Falling apart and that being negative for my older children. Lots of things

You won’t be alone, you have your kids.

Very few babies don’t sleep through until they are 15. But you don’t need to worry as you can afford a night nanny.

Why wouldn’t you you cope? You say you do everything all week for the children. Plus you woudld have staff. And your super father of an ex would no doubt have his children every weekend wouldn’t he?

Dglmom · 17/09/2022 14:57

I am married 10 years & my husband has always refused to talk about finances. Until recently, I had no idea what he earned, what he spends, what he saves, what his pension entitlements are. However, I recently went to file a personal tax return & saw from his payroll details that he is earning twice my gross salary. He has always insisted on splitting everything 50/50 - childcare, mortgage, bills, property tax, ordering oil/gas (he has let us run dry, until I pay my 50%). I work full time & in addition to our split costs, I seem to always be the first to put my hand in my pocket for grocery shopping, kids clothes, extracurricular activities, summer camps, the cleaner )which he was reluctant to get, but has only paid once).

I am a public servant, so my pension (which isn't great) is deducted at source, but I have no savings and quite literally not one cent left to myself at the end of every month. I buy my clothes in Primark, use cheap creams/shampoos and don't really go out or eat out, very often.

I have tried so many times to discuss this with my husband. He shuts down completely and either walks off or just say 'yea' and nothing changes. I have suggested counselling, sent emails, letters, texts - but nothing changes.

I am so hurt at this stage, that I constantly fantasise about winning the lottery and having the financial independence to leave him.

I feel totally miserable and disrespected, yet he is living his best life - spending his money on his hobbies, pastimes, social life.

There is no question of spending money on family holidays or furnishings for the house (which I would love). Those conversations go absolutely nowhere.

When we purchased our first home, we had to set up a joint account, but all he will put into this is 50% of the mortgage repayment, a few days before its due. The rest of the month, its either empty or overdrawn.

I really need advise here as to what my rights are. If I were to leave him, what would he be obliged to pay? We have 2 primary school aged children.

economicervix · 17/09/2022 15:05

What right do either of you have to inflict life on another kid to traumatise? Having a gobby alcoholic father who openly doesn’t want your existing kids will damage them for life. Are they in therapy yet? Prioritise your poor kids.

Eatingjumper · 17/09/2022 15:05

Dglmom · 17/09/2022 14:57

I am married 10 years & my husband has always refused to talk about finances. Until recently, I had no idea what he earned, what he spends, what he saves, what his pension entitlements are. However, I recently went to file a personal tax return & saw from his payroll details that he is earning twice my gross salary. He has always insisted on splitting everything 50/50 - childcare, mortgage, bills, property tax, ordering oil/gas (he has let us run dry, until I pay my 50%). I work full time & in addition to our split costs, I seem to always be the first to put my hand in my pocket for grocery shopping, kids clothes, extracurricular activities, summer camps, the cleaner )which he was reluctant to get, but has only paid once).

I am a public servant, so my pension (which isn't great) is deducted at source, but I have no savings and quite literally not one cent left to myself at the end of every month. I buy my clothes in Primark, use cheap creams/shampoos and don't really go out or eat out, very often.

I have tried so many times to discuss this with my husband. He shuts down completely and either walks off or just say 'yea' and nothing changes. I have suggested counselling, sent emails, letters, texts - but nothing changes.

I am so hurt at this stage, that I constantly fantasise about winning the lottery and having the financial independence to leave him.

I feel totally miserable and disrespected, yet he is living his best life - spending his money on his hobbies, pastimes, social life.

There is no question of spending money on family holidays or furnishings for the house (which I would love). Those conversations go absolutely nowhere.

When we purchased our first home, we had to set up a joint account, but all he will put into this is 50% of the mortgage repayment, a few days before its due. The rest of the month, its either empty or overdrawn.

I really need advise here as to what my rights are. If I were to leave him, what would he be obliged to pay? We have 2 primary school aged children.

@Dglmom you really need to start a separate thread to get the advice you so very badly need. I'm glad youre asking these questions and are thinking about leaving, because your husband sounds awful.

Dglmom · 17/09/2022 15:19

Thanks I actually posted here by accident. I'm new to Mumsnet

arethereanyleftatall · 17/09/2022 15:42

As a little aside op about the help you can get if you have the money to do so. My friend had 24-7 help who did absolutely everything else, with the exception of any bonding with the baby. So, for example - feeding - the bottle was completely made up (the help bought the milk, the bottles, cleaned the bottles, prepared the bottles, warmed the milk) and simply handed to my friend to feed. Like that for everything.

Rainbowpurple · 17/09/2022 16:01

I remember your other posts about your DH being depressed and not a hands on dad over weekend due to the work stress etc. Are you sure OP bringing 3rd child will not break what you are managing to hold together?

I think you need to think about your existing kids first. I have a pre teen and a baby and they do need really different things from me so I feel quite stretched tbh... Your eldest is going to 10 when you have a newborn. It is a lot to juggle even with a super supportive partner.

Good luck!

whumpthereitis · 17/09/2022 21:05

It doesn’t matter if you could support a third of not, there’s nothing immoral about abortion. If you want the baby then that is your choice, no one else can make it for you. I would consider the impact on your existing children. It’s easy to say leave him and keep the baby, but both would have a massive impact on the children already here, and the consequences can be far reaching. That bears taking into account.

it appears if you did go ahead you may find yourself a single mother. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but should ask yourself whether that’s a position you want to be in.

whumpthereitis · 17/09/2022 21:11

Dglmom · 17/09/2022 14:57

I am married 10 years & my husband has always refused to talk about finances. Until recently, I had no idea what he earned, what he spends, what he saves, what his pension entitlements are. However, I recently went to file a personal tax return & saw from his payroll details that he is earning twice my gross salary. He has always insisted on splitting everything 50/50 - childcare, mortgage, bills, property tax, ordering oil/gas (he has let us run dry, until I pay my 50%). I work full time & in addition to our split costs, I seem to always be the first to put my hand in my pocket for grocery shopping, kids clothes, extracurricular activities, summer camps, the cleaner )which he was reluctant to get, but has only paid once).

I am a public servant, so my pension (which isn't great) is deducted at source, but I have no savings and quite literally not one cent left to myself at the end of every month. I buy my clothes in Primark, use cheap creams/shampoos and don't really go out or eat out, very often.

I have tried so many times to discuss this with my husband. He shuts down completely and either walks off or just say 'yea' and nothing changes. I have suggested counselling, sent emails, letters, texts - but nothing changes.

I am so hurt at this stage, that I constantly fantasise about winning the lottery and having the financial independence to leave him.

I feel totally miserable and disrespected, yet he is living his best life - spending his money on his hobbies, pastimes, social life.

There is no question of spending money on family holidays or furnishings for the house (which I would love). Those conversations go absolutely nowhere.

When we purchased our first home, we had to set up a joint account, but all he will put into this is 50% of the mortgage repayment, a few days before its due. The rest of the month, its either empty or overdrawn.

I really need advise here as to what my rights are. If I were to leave him, what would he be obliged to pay? We have 2 primary school aged children.

In theory he would pay child support, 19% of gross weekly income. However given the amount of men that either find ways to pay the bare minimum or avoid it entirely, it’s not something that can necessarily be counted on.

Pumpkinbite · 18/09/2022 00:09

Changernamerjoker · 17/09/2022 13:41

Being alone. 15 years of children that don’t sleep? Not coping? Falling apart and that being negative for my older children. Lots of things

It’s not 15 years though is it.
its 5
you’ve already done 10 that’s over regardless.
if you keep or abort 10 happened.
so the baby is a decision for 5.

sounds like most of the time you’re alone anyway
and being negative for your children is your choice. And surely no worse than
modelling a poor relationship to them, which is currently what’s happening

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 18/09/2022 00:15

I personally don't agree with abortion, however the choice is yours. You are very very lucky to be in such a good financial position and I can't see a reason for you not to have this child apart from your husband not wanting you to.

flutterbyfly · 18/09/2022 04:17

Please do not have a baby by default. Look at all options available to you and ask for counselling, they are not there to persuade you one way or the other but just as support as you decide what is best.

A baby ties you to this man for at least 18 years, if not forever. Please think what that means to you and your mental health.

economicervix · 18/09/2022 12:51

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 18/09/2022 00:15

I personally don't agree with abortion, however the choice is yours. You are very very lucky to be in such a good financial position and I can't see a reason for you not to have this child apart from your husband not wanting you to.

Yeah, fuck it, eh. Who cares that the kid will have a gobby alco father who doesn’t want it. Childhood trauma is fine as long as women just keep pumping out kids, right?

economicervix · 18/09/2022 13:20

(That was obviously sarcasm, directed at the pro forced birther)

DesMoulinsRouge · 18/09/2022 13:29

Could you afford the nanny if you were alone? If you continue with the pregnancy you might have to go it alone. Can you manage by yourself?

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 18/09/2022 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 18/09/2022 20:15

Not sure why my previous post was deleted. So it's offensive to say such a thing but its not offensive to actually do it? A lot of you are morally bankrupt