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Original poster

No sex and not interested - but nice companion relationship..

63 replies

Crazymamalife · 17/09/2022 09:09

Husband still wants to have sex regularly, I am not interested at all. I don’t find him attractive.

We have had marriage counselling in the past and overall the rest of our relationship is good, stable and we enjoy each other’s company.

We spend a lot of time together and are raising our young children (8 & 6).

It is now a real problem as I could stay together as we are and I don’t think he could. He says he needs a physical relationship but I am just not interested.

We have talked about separating numerous times because of it but neither of us wants to be without the other. I feel we are in a really tricky situation. Any help/advice/ or anyone who has or is going through something similar? Thanks

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 17/09/2022 09:17

It isn't fair on him to live without sex for the rest of his life. I think if you can't resolve the issue or agree to an open marriage (not recommending it!) then divorce is the only option.

Would you want to have sex with someone else or do you have zero interest in sex?

Anotherpubber · 17/09/2022 09:21

You allow him to have sex with other people. That’s the only solution, or you split. He may not even ageee to the first option.

quietnightmare · 17/09/2022 09:24

Is there a way he could become attractive you again? Perhaps there's aspects of himself he can work on to improve this for you and or you make an effort on your side too and see is the sexual relationship naturally repairs itself?

LampLighter414 · 17/09/2022 09:40

Would you be happy for him to get his physical needs met elsewhere e.g. a professional sex worker or a lab ethical non-monogamy friends with benefits type set up?

C1N1C · 17/09/2022 09:52

I'm just listing options... not great options but still...

1 sexless marriage
2 designated sex night
3 physical compromise (I.e. hand jobs?)
4 prostitute allowance
5 friend allowance
6 open marriage
7 handmaid's tail (I'm thinking out loud)
8 divorce

The question that needs to be answered is, is his love for you more than his desire for sex? It's not fair it's a horrible choice...

hewouldwouldnthe · 17/09/2022 09:56

Have you looked into why you have no sexual feelings for him? Is it you are not interested with sex with anyone? Have lost interest for health reasons? Don't fancy him? Problems with relationship?

Original poster
Crazymamalife · 17/09/2022 10:06

We’ve been together for 15 years. Spent a long time trying to have children and eventually succeeded.

Sex was a way to have the kids and since their births I’ve had little if any desire for him. I’ve suggested an open marriage and he’s not keen, and I agree if we can’t find an alternative solution we should divorce but there is a reluctance from us both about this option.

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 17/09/2022 10:07

I think you should set him free to find someone who does find him attractive.

supercali77 · 17/09/2022 10:18

Seperate. The 2 of you can remain friends, there's no reason you can't.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/09/2022 10:59

Separate. He might say (and even believe, now) that he can live in a sexless marriage because he loves you and the DC; but the ongoing soul-destroyness of knowing that his wife doesn’t find him attractive, doesn't desire him, only wanted sex with him as a means to having children is going to erode his self confidence and esteem and ultimately break down your marriage anyway. Don’t wait until your marriage is miserable and you can barely stand the sight of each other to end it; do it now whilst you both care for each other and can separate well.

UWhatNow · 17/09/2022 11:08

“…the ongoing soul-destroyness of knowing that his wife doesn’t find him attractive, doesn't desire him, only wanted sex with him as a means to having children is going to erode his self confidence and esteem and ultimately break down your marriage anyway.”

What male centred bullshit is this? Men are not owed sex to sooth their fragile self esteem.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 17/09/2022 11:19

Why would you do this to someone? You have every little desire for him from the beginning and yet you married him purely to have children it seems.

youarntaguest · 17/09/2022 11:22

Don't complain when he has an affair then. The writings on the wall

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/09/2022 11:42

UWhatNow · 17/09/2022 11:08

“…the ongoing soul-destroyness of knowing that his wife doesn’t find him attractive, doesn't desire him, only wanted sex with him as a means to having children is going to erode his self confidence and esteem and ultimately break down your marriage anyway.”

What male centred bullshit is this? Men are not owed sex to sooth their fragile self esteem.

People, of either sex, generally find themselves miserable when the one person who is supposed to desire them and find them attractive is very open with them that they do not and are repulsed by the idea of having sex with them. I’m not sure how you managed to extrapolate from that that women owe men sex; unless you’re touchy about it because you’re also in a relationship where you don’t want sex with your partner.

florenceandthemac · 17/09/2022 11:46

There will be reluctance from him maybe in the hope you will find the desire to have sex again.
If you are adamant that you won't, you need to initiate a divorce

florenceandthemac · 17/09/2022 11:48

Reluctance towards a divorce, I was referring to

nancydroo · 17/09/2022 11:50

Looks like you're going to divorce but be great friends

Shittytittybangbang · 17/09/2022 11:58

Why don’t you fancy him?

Levellingdown · 17/09/2022 11:59

Separate and co-parent as best friends. That’s what we did. I had no desire to have sex with him anymore so he left but it was fair enough!

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 17/09/2022 12:04

I think you should set him free too, even if that's not what he thinks he wants. If he won't shag other people, doesn't want to live a sexless life and you won't have sex with him, ultimately I think the best way for him to be happy is to find someone else with some sex drive.

jays · 17/09/2022 12:07

Shittytittybangbang · 17/09/2022 11:58

Why don’t you fancy him?

What a deliberately stupid question.

SettingsO · 17/09/2022 12:20

What a deliberately stupid question

Eh? How so? Maybe it’s something fixable.

Dissimilitude · 17/09/2022 12:22

Let him go, for goodness sake.

Username593 · 17/09/2022 12:38

Were you ever sexually attracted to your husband? Maybe your a lesbian or asexual

Username593 · 17/09/2022 12:42

@UWhatNow and women are not owed relationships/commitment, As a man if my wife didnt want sex with me then id just leave. Sex is important to us men and A relationship without sex is basically a friendship lets be real.

Maybe OP could be a lesbian