No sex and not interested - but nice companion relationship..

[Crazymamalife]

Husband still wants to have sex regularly, I am not interested at all. I don’t find him attractive.

We have had marriage counselling in the past and overall the rest of our relationship is good, stable and we enjoy each other’s company.

We spend a lot of time together and are raising our young children (8 & 6).

It is now a real problem as I could stay together as we are and I don’t think he could. He says he needs a physical relationship but I am just not interested.

We have talked about separating numerous times because of it but neither of us wants to be without the other. I feel we are in a really tricky situation. Any help/advice/ or anyone who has or is going through something similar? Thanks

I heard Esther Perel talk recently about the ways we depress ourselves and the ways we invite the erotic into our lives - I think it was an interview with a podcaster, Lewis something perhaps. She talks about how foreplay starts from the end of sex, it’s an ongoing thing in a relationship.

Some posters clearly have very strong views on this.
Depends on what OP, and her Dh want to do.

Couple of really good articles on this from Dr Psych Mom:

When Women Consider Physical Touch To Be A Less Real or Important Love Language makes some interesting points about how we can sometimes belittle a partner's need for physical touch
Clearly you're not belittling it as you're thinking about it carefully, n but the article is well worth a read. She says:
It is interesting to think about how this would look if it were the woman’s verbal affirmation love language being discussed.
What if the husband said:

“Saying nice things is the bells and whistles on top of the relationship.
She shouldn’t need it.
If I’m not in the mood to be nice, it is gross for me to try to make myself say nice things.
She shouldn’t want me to force it.
If anything, I can say, ‘You look nice today’ in a flat, dull monotone with no eye contact and this can meet her need for verbal affirmation.”
She's also got a good article on Responsive desire in women - if you're never in the mood, that's normal

Obviously if you don't want to have sex, then don't. But, I think you are being very selfish. Can you imagine how hurt he must feel? Is the thought of having sex with him so awful? Set him free before he has an affair...I wouldn't blame him.

I agree with pp this doesn’t just apply to men in relationships

Either sex can feel upset if there’s a mismatch in this way

op I think an open relationship would be difficult, he could fall in love, but it’s up to you. It’s hard to see a way through other than separate

It is now a real problem as I could stay together as we are and I don’t think he could.

I think the decision will eventually be taken out of your hands op

Some of this could be fixable OP.
When you say you don't want sex with your husband, there is a world of difference between "I don't ever feel like I particularly want to have sex" and "I hate the thought of sex". If your issue is the latter and you actually hate having sex then this is more serious and probably not fixable. But if you just don't feel the urge, there are several possibilities. You might be able to get that urge back, or alternatively have "maintenance sex" because you love him.
I think nowadays the focus on "don't ever have sex you don't want" is too black and white, and misses a) the way we do things just because they're important to someone we love, and b) the fact that many women experience "responsive desire" and rarely feel spontaneous sexual desire, but enjoy it once they get going.

Antidepressants are well known to kill libido for many people. Are you certain you have clinical depression rather than low mood? Apparently around 70% of perimenopausal women prescribed antidepressants may not actually be clinically depressed . If you're perimenopausal then it's possible that HRT could help with low mood. See this fact sheet - www.newsonhealth.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/Antidepressants-and-menopause-v21-02.pdf
If you are certain it's clinical depression then you could ask your GP about different medication.

This. I know someone who has lived like this for years. His self-esteem is rock bottom -he is very unhappy.

A companion marriage is “nice” for you OP
Sadly it is not for your husband

No one in the wrong but I don’t see a future

the fact that many women experience "responsive desire" and rarely feel spontaneous sexual desire, but enjoy it once they get going

You need to be careful with this though because it can lead people into having sex they don’t want to have. It sounds a lot like a concept a man invented to convince someone to have sex tbh

My DP was in a sexless marriage for over a decade. He stayed until his children finished university then left. His wife was so angry he left because she had a ‘perfect life’ with a high earning husband and never gave sex a thought as she believed it was totally unimportant. At least you have some insight into how your husband feels. Divorce amicably, stay friends and co parent well. There is no real other option.

Also - if you honestly want to know how people really feel you’ll get a whole new perspective on this try ‘Dead Bedrooms’ thread on Reddit.

Responsive, Spontaneous and Contextual desire are terms defined by female researcher Dr Emily Nagoski to explain some differences in sex drive between individuals. With responsive and Contextual desire, having low stress, the right environment, and the right approach, can make all the difference. It's a mainstream categorisation commonly used by sex and relationship therapists.

The article about physical touch and love languages by clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten explores the idea you frame, that the idea someone should try to get in the mood for sex to please a partner, is "icky" and smacks of nonconsent. It's worth a read.