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Original poster

No sex and not interested - but nice companion relationship..

63 replies

Crazymamalife · 17/09/2022 09:09

Husband still wants to have sex regularly, I am not interested at all. I don’t find him attractive.

We have had marriage counselling in the past and overall the rest of our relationship is good, stable and we enjoy each other’s company.

We spend a lot of time together and are raising our young children (8 & 6).

It is now a real problem as I could stay together as we are and I don’t think he could. He says he needs a physical relationship but I am just not interested.

We have talked about separating numerous times because of it but neither of us wants to be without the other. I feel we are in a really tricky situation. Any help/advice/ or anyone who has or is going through something similar? Thanks

OP posts:
namechange881881 · 17/09/2022 12:58

Hi op,

I find myself in this situation and it coincidentally blew up this am.

I just have no sex drive whatsoever. I think it's the anti-depressants. I also have a serious problems with a long term health condition.

I just don't know what to do either.

Easy for people to day just leave but when you've been together 16 years you want to try and work on it😔

Just saying you're not alone op, it's a difficult and upsetting situation all round.

For people suggesting "must be a lesbian" it's really not that at all.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/09/2022 13:11

Well if you don’t want to get divorced, then it sounds like it’s you/both of you working on you rediscovering your libido.

Are you interested in sex in general? If there’s even a glimmer then work on fanning it. Start slowly, solo if it feels less pressured.

If you have just completely lost interest, see your GP, I think testosterone can help, and you might both need a therapist who specialises in sexual issues.

It’s probably fixable with a bit of effort. The alternatives are an open marriage (hard work) or divorce.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/09/2022 13:14

Username593 · 17/09/2022 12:42

@UWhatNow and women are not owed relationships/commitment, As a man if my wife didnt want sex with me then id just leave. Sex is important to us men and A relationship without sex is basically a friendship lets be real.

Maybe OP could be a lesbian

@Username593

Sex is important to most people.

And there are many reasons people loose interest in sex. It’s unlikely the OP got to 30 or 40 odd without realising she’s a lesbian.

Billylilly · 17/09/2022 13:22

Do you have any sex drive? Or just don’t want sex with your husband?

Username593 · 17/09/2022 13:29

@Luredbyapomegranate but alot of women are lesbians but dont realise it. many women are more turned on by naked women, watch lesbian porn, have sexual fantasies of women but usually date men because its the norm.

Especually as women get older they end up getting bored with men and start wanting to explore with women.

It does hurt knowing that many women are not visually attracted to men or the male body, my biggest fear is ending up in a relationship with a woman who is secretly a lesbian or asexual.

Im not saying OP is a lesbian its possible, She also might be asexual

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 17/09/2022 13:38

Username593 · 17/09/2022 12:42

@UWhatNow and women are not owed relationships/commitment, As a man if my wife didnt want sex with me then id just leave. Sex is important to us men and A relationship without sex is basically a friendship lets be real.

Maybe OP could be a lesbian

Sex is important to us women as well! I know a lot of women whose husbands aren't interested in sex anymore when the women are.

PauliesWalnuts · 17/09/2022 13:40

I’d rather be single (and was for a long time) than be stuck in a relationship without sex. I’m a 50 year-old woman, I’m not dead yet.

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2022 13:50

ThirtyThreeTrees · 17/09/2022 11:19

Why would you do this to someone? You have every little desire for him from the beginning and yet you married him purely to have children it seems.

Exactly. I think this is outrageous behaviour on the part of the OP.

Original poster
Crazymamalife · 17/09/2022 15:44

Those suggesting I only married and had sex for children this is simply not true and honestly quite unkind to suggest.

it did take over a huge part of our relationship as we needed to have treatment for fertility etc.

I have slight interest in sex and it is probably something medical due to it ongoing so much, but dealing with this and feeling pressured is really hard going.

Those being supportive I really appreciate it and especially those who can relate. It is not an easy situation and I have been really trying but perhaps I need to give in and go to the GP. I’m reluctant to take meds but will do if absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 17/09/2022 15:49

How old are you ? Are you peri menopause age ?

Original poster
Crazymamalife · 17/09/2022 17:50

@KangarooKenny yes I am in this age bracket and have considered that this may be part of the problem.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/09/2022 17:52

If you could stay together as friends whilst he pursues other relationship/s (not just sex) it could work. You'd have to deal with any jealousy you might feel and accept the risk that he might fall for someone else and want to leave.

LaraLei · 17/09/2022 18:01

Can’t you just close your eyes and think of England once in a while?

SweetcornFritter · 17/09/2022 19:00

This was me too, OP. I knew I never wanted to have sex again with my husband and as he still wanted to have regular sex the only thing for it was to separate. We are in the process of getting an amicable divorce. It is a great relief not to feel under pressure to have sex again but also sad and scary knowing that I will be living alone for the rest of my life.

EngTech · 17/09/2022 19:04

If the position was reversed, what would you feel like?

Looks live divorce is the answer unfortunately

DonnaBanana · 17/09/2022 19:33

I don’t love sports cars, they look cool but I’m not that fussed. If I never went in a sports car again I would not be bothered. Some people are like that with sex, I don’t know how it’s hard to comprehend. Even if you love sports cars and have to drive one every week, not everyone does and it’s not weird that not everyone does!

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/09/2022 19:42

Username593 · 17/09/2022 13:29

@Luredbyapomegranate but alot of women are lesbians but dont realise it. many women are more turned on by naked women, watch lesbian porn, have sexual fantasies of women but usually date men because its the norm.

Especually as women get older they end up getting bored with men and start wanting to explore with women.

It does hurt knowing that many women are not visually attracted to men or the male body, my biggest fear is ending up in a relationship with a woman who is secretly a lesbian or asexual.

Im not saying OP is a lesbian its possible, She also might be asexual

😂😂😂

@Username593 Oh, god.. sorry to laugh, but this really isn’t the issue you seem to think it is - I think maybe you need to do some work to figure you what’s going on for you here.

It’s possible the OP is a closet lesbian or asexual yes, but given the evidence (she married a bloke and says she now doesn’t fancy him), and the fact you should always prefer the simplest explanation, I’m guessing she’s a heterosexual women who no longer fancies her husband.

Catlover1970 · 17/09/2022 20:22

Crazymamalife · 17/09/2022 10:06

We’ve been together for 15 years. Spent a long time trying to have children and eventually succeeded.

Sex was a way to have the kids and since their births I’ve had little if any desire for him. I’ve suggested an open marriage and he’s not keen, and I agree if we can’t find an alternative solution we should divorce but there is a reluctance from us both about this option.

What if he has an affair andx falls in love? Risky

KangarooKenny · 17/09/2022 21:49

Crazymamalife · 17/09/2022 17:50

@KangarooKenny yes I am in this age bracket and have considered that this may be part of the problem.

I got the ick at this stage and went off sex

Fourhorses · 18/09/2022 01:49

This sounds like codependency to me.

Thistlelass · 18/09/2022 05:03

I've been through this after having 5 children with my now ex husband. I did not like my husband or respect him as a person really. I had sex to get my children. Very sorry. They are all now adults of course. I left under messy circumstances when the youngest was 4 years. He is now 42. I at the same time was having the 'oh am I gay then?' moment as I had developed strong feelings for a woman.
It is not going to be easy if you leave but to me that has to be better than living a lie.

Billylilly · 18/09/2022 06:27

It sounds like it isn't anything to do with your husband that makes him unattractive to you but that you are simply not interested in sex anymore. Those are two separate issues.

I think you need to figure out whether you're happy to continue as is which means either your husband is unhappy/unsatisfied or you go your separate ways or whether you're open to trying to work on things and not just for your husbands sake but also because you'd like to have an interest in sex again.

YRGAM · 18/09/2022 10:13

Is the way you have sex actually what you want? Do you communicate/have you communicated in the past about how you want sex to go? Oftentimes it can just be a case of the man misunderstanding the woman's sexual triggers/sex style and rushing into it too quickly/not building an emotional connection first/neglecting foreplay/sulking about previous rejections

Iguanainanigloo · 18/09/2022 10:31

Op, if you genuinely want to stay together, you need to either address the issues around this (medication, therapy etc) or let him go. If he doesn't like the idea of an open relationship, at some point down the line, he may end up having an affair, which in these circumstances, may seem justified to him. Sex is an instinctive need for many many people, not so much for others, but clearly this is important to him. I know a couple where the husband has affairs, that the wife knows about, but turns a blind eye, as love him, and wants to keep their lifestyle, and it seemed to work for them. He doesn't know that she knows. The risk is, he may develop feelings for someone else and leave, and that worries her, she doesn't care about the extramarital sex, it's what that could lead to which causes the anxiety and uncertainty, which in turn, means their relationship is now suffering, with arguments, and questions about the future. I feel for you, as no one should feel forced to have sex if they don't want to, but can also see from your husbands point of view, why this must be truly upsetting for him. His unhappiness with this aspect of the relationship will at some point come to a head, and he could well up and leave, when you least expect it. I think an open, honest discussion with him, laying out what you both want and need from eachother may help you come to a decision about the future.

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 18/09/2022 10:39

Do you feel seen/heard on an emotional level, OP? Might be worth sticking with the counselling to explore that - your self-awareness of your feelings plus working out whether you feel seen and heard by him. Sexual attraction/desire can flow out of a strong emotional bond.

If it could be that, Esther Perel’s work (eg book ‘Mating in Captivity’) might be of interest.