A nice guy but...

[NorthAngel]

Hello all,

I have posted before about this but now thinking I need to do something (but also wondering if I'm just being paranoid).

A little bit of history...

I left a long marriage 2 years ago. Nothing wrong with him or me but the marriage was sexless (a long time), lacked affection/intimacy, lacked connection and just stale. I eventually snapped. I feel bad about it but know, deep down, I have done the right thing.

I'm 50 btw and still told I'm attractive - even the women at work tell me.

Anyway, I'm pretty lonely at home. My eldest lives with his dad mainly (he is over 18) and the youngest is at her peak, awkward teenage years so she avoids me a lot and stays in her room. I work in a senior manager role in a very stressful environment with insufficient staff.

I started with OLD a while ago just to see if I could meet someone. Most have just been after a shag and when I wouldn't give they suddenly went silent or deleted me. Then I came across this guy. Lives in the same part of the UK but 35 miles north. We started chatting on Tinder and that went on a while before we moved to WhatsApp.

Anyway, we get on quite well and we both are at similar levels on our jobs. He, however has never married or had children. He is close to his sisters and their children which is lovely as they seem to be a very close family from what I'm picking up. He'll send me photos of the family and explain who is who and what they're doing in life etc. Unlike him, which is why my loneliness is bad, I don't have any family apart from my children. My parents and brother are RIP. I feel completely alone and, since I announced my divorce, my friends also seem to avoid me out of awkwardness.

The man in question is interesting, intelligent and well spoken. We share a lot of the same views on life etc. He doesn't ever seem to get sexual though. I do think he's a bit shy in that area but my husband was like a dead fish in that area and I don't want the same. We'd been chatting daily for a few months but we eventually met up a few weeks ago and spent a day in a city - park walk, lunch etc. We sat in his car afterwards a bit when he brought me back to my car. Chatted, listened to music. That's it. He never made a move on me at all. He was very polite tbh. And, I enjoyed the day. It was actually nice to be with a man who was enjoying my company rather than staring at my body etc. Anyway, I decided to kiss him when it was time to go and wow - he was passionate! He actually blushed when I got hold of his hand after I asked him if he liked that. We kissed for a good half hour which was lovely but I left it at that (obviously).

When I got home he messaged immediately to say he'd really enjoyed the day. He said he'd wanted to approach me but he thought I hadn't wanted to. He said he wanted to meet again.

However, he is so busy with his job (he ends up writing reports at home) and works shifts so opposite to my core hours role. I've said to him to let me know when he wants to do something and still nothing. But, he continues to message me daily. He doesn't phone me either.

I don't think there is anything dodgy going on. He does seem like a really polite man. I actually said to him last week that he didn't seem that interested in me. He asked what made me say that. I said he hardly says much and hadn't said anything about arranging another date. He just said he's enjoying getting to know me and wants to take it slowly plus we're both busy in FT jobs. He has told me was too cautious about getting married and regrets it.

I've decided to let him go next weekend if he makes no attempt to make time for me as this doesn't sit right with me.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

Hi,

He said he felt embarrassed to be on Tinder. Tbh, I have met other men on Tinder and all of them were more interested in what I was wearing etc. whereas this guy messaged me without being like this. He did say he had been extremely shy as a young man and was a 'late starter' - he isn't bad on the eyes or anything and is extremely fit for his age (5 months between us - both 50).

He does seem to really like me and, tbh, I would be quite happy to be just friends with him but there is something not right. He has told me about trips away he makes alone and feels lonely at times. He said that his last long term relationship was with a woman 14 years his junior and he felt uncomfortable about the age gap (another thing we had in common as my husband was 10 years older than me). He also said this woman was high maintenance and always wanted the best of everything but that she wouldn't travel anywhere and he loves to travel. I think that's where the relationship broke down.

He was very passionate in the car but only when I'd made a move on him (honestly, started with me holding his hand). However, he doesn't seem sexual if you catch my drift. I'm not sure if he's been hurt in the past and he is taking things slowly or whether he is just one of those men who isn't switched on properly. Or, he is just super polite!!! Like this morning, he messaged me and he was in bed at the time. Do, dropping a few hints on I asked if he was warm and cosy. He said he'd probably have to change the summer duvet soon. I then said would he prefer something else to keep him warm and he took an eternity to answer and just said yes with no follow on (other men would say more). I just said hot water bottle or something else. Again, a wait before he said something else but nothing after that. Wtf???

He really is a sweet guy though. Very bright and he was very chatty when we met up but it's like getting blood from a stone!!!

Btw, it's definitely his sister and her kids. He hasn't been secretive about his life at all. I did a Google search and found his dad's obituary which confirmed the names of his parents, sisters and nieces. He is telling the truth.

I just think he's been single too long and doesn't know how to slot someone else into his life!

It's also possible that he is shy with women. He honestly blushed in the car when I took hold of his hand! He then said the blood flow was directed somewhere else

This pic (attached) shows one of the things he said to me when we first started chatting. It's why I continued to chat as I thought it was sweet.

He could be very shy, nervous or just scared of making the wrong move. Many I know are nervous of making the wrong move and being accused of something.

But no reason why you cannot make the first move, bearing in mind he may just be a slow burner...

And, since we last met, he's worked a full weekend and he was away in London (alone - he goes often on his own) a weekend so we haven't had much chance to meet up anyway.

He did say I'd taken my time kissing him and that he'd thought I didn't want to which was why he hadn't made the move.

Also, he messaged me when I got home to say how much he had enjoyed the day.

For a single man, he has a lot of commitments keeping you apart. Any reason why you couldn't have gone to London with him and made a weekend of it?

It sounds to me as if he likes the sound of a committed relationship but can't cope with the reality of one.

I'd put him to one side and date a few other men. Life is too short to waste on someone who's uncertain about what they really want.

One thing I did notice, when we were in the two cafes we went in (and when we were sat in the car chatting), was that his right leg was tapping the floor all the time - like a nervous reaction or something.

Maybe he's just nervous

I'm normally the first to say drop and run but I think OP that he's just shy. He sounds like he could br a keeper if you have the patience to bring him out of his shell. Personally I'd say I'd rather that than have to sift through the 100s of dickheads you usually find on tinder..

He did ask me to go to London with him but I didn't think it was appropriate as we hadn't yet met in person.

He is training to do the half marathon in London in a couple of weeks. He's a very keen park runner.

I think he sounds quite interesting, maybe shy/nervous?
I would keep n touch but not invest too much at this stage. Try to chat on the phone rather than text, easier to communicate that way?

Okay, having done a bit of OLD, I can genuinely say that there are a lot of creeps out there. Read the relationships board to see how many women are with total pricks who treat them like dirt. You have what sounds like a lovely and genuine guy who is perhaps a bit introverted and insecure. Don’t chuck it away just because he doesn’t behave exactly how you’d expect a man to act. Talk to him.
My boyfriend is an introvert, as am I. We have spoken on the phone precisely once in 6 months because neither of us like talking on the phone. We text and we meet up. When we meet up, we have long conversations. It took a while for our relationship to become physical. The majority of people on MN would have dumped him a long time ago/concluded he was married or gay/said he was not that into me. None of this is true and he makes me happier than anyone else has done. If I’d listened to random advice, I would have finished it a few weeks in. I’d be cautious about doing this but the choice is yours obviously.

I think he is genuine and nice tbh. He's just been messaging me from work saying he rushed into town to get a new iPhone but they'd sold out. He seems to like chatting to me but think he's just shy in other areas.

We'll see!

Honestly, sounds like you’ve got a gem there! He sounds amazing even if he is not as communicative as you’re used to. Some of the stuff I have come across when dating:

• men sending me dick pics
• ghosting after sex
• asking for nude pics or what dress size I am before meeting up
• cheating
• porn habits
• discussing women as if they are sex objects (one charming ex bf used to call women “honeys” - yuk)
• Playing games

I would one million times rather have a sweet and genuine, albeit shy, guy who I could have a proper conversation with than the majority of what is out there on offer.

I really hope that you and he make it work. If he is introverted, it might help to read up on that because a lot of extroverts think we are being antisocial or stand offish when we’re not. It’s just a different way of viewing the world and of communicating.

Also, he said he was shy when young and was a late bloomer so even if he is attractive now, that doesn’t always translate into the confidence you might expect. I am told I am attractive now but as a teen, I was a geek, told I was ugly and that no man would ever want me and even after growing into my looks, I still feel like that teenager inside which surprises some people.

If he doesn’t have time to meet now, he’s never going to have much time for you. Stop theorizing about why he’s like this, and just recognize that he is and this is what a relationship with him will be like.

Cut your losses now if it’s not what you want.

Maybe he's lacking confidence a bit, or doesn't want to suggest meeting up when you'd have to take time off work? I know I wouldn't, knowing my partner's working hours.

Whatever, he clearly isn't the type where you can just say 'let me know when you want to meet up again and leave it to him. You're going to need to be a bit more proactive yourself - suggest some actual days and times and some things you think you'd both like to do together (just one at a time, don't give him a list of options). Doesn't have to be anything special, just something along the lines of - the weather looks nice on Tuesday afternoon, would you like to meet up and go for a walk?

That way you can suggest times you'd be willing to take off work yourself. He'll either take up your invitation, decline it with an excuse, or make a counter suggestion - I've got a work meeting Tuesday, how about weds?

If you find you've made a number of suggestions and he just declines them all without making any counter suggestions himself, then it's likely the relationship is never going to progress to the level you'd like and you've got a reason to call things off.

It may well be that you're both just too busy to have time for a relationship, that's not uncommon these days, although he does sound a bit of a workaholic if it's all work and not kids or hobbies taking up all his time.

I think I'll suggest a few dates and see what happens...

He sounds like even if you do manage to get anywhere with him it will be you in the driving seat, and he will be the passenger.

That suits some couples very well, I personally would be terribly bored with someone who wasn't proactive in any way shape or form.

My very dominant but amazing best friend married a (but much younger) guy like this. She moans about his lack of initiate or motivation, but we also know she loves it, because she gets to make all the decisions and he'll go along with absolutely anything because he'll never be bothered or able to come up with an alternative!

I agree that he is keeping your relationship at length. In my experience, men always tell you their biggest defect right at the start (unless they are fairly twisted), so he told you he regrets not commiting to mariage. I feel he has a big pb with commitment. If it is the case and you like him, stick with it but it might take a very long time, and patience, until anything happens. Otherwise, go away. I agree that you should encourage seing him in person and reduce the texting, some men have virtual relationships and are happy with it. Not something you want, clearly.

I’d be more worried about someone who had been married multiple times and rushed into things rather than someone who is honest about being cautious about such a big commitment. Given the rate of divorce, maybe more people should be cautious! Anyway, not getting married doesn’t mean that he has a problem with commitment. I wouldn’t see it as a defect at all.

I have one like this!!!! Was so puzzled because I assumed that all men want sex and that the fact he was nervous to make a move meant that he was gay or not finding me attractive. In fact he was incredibly insecure and shy and b also said he was a late starter. He was very inexperienced with sex and has only had sex with his ex wife who has also been a virgin when they married and never enjoyed sex. He has b emerged from his shell and is now more confident but it has taken a year to get on to a normal footing.

He messaged me quite a few times throughout the day yesterday (mainly about the funeral) but still no mention of meeting up. He was at his sister's last night (she's arranged a family get together following the funeral to celebrate the life of the Queen). I casually asked what he was doing today (I'm working anyway) and he said he was off. He asked what I was doing last night (while he was at his sister's house) and I said I was all alone 😢. Nothing!!

Meanwhile, the OM (who I got involved with years ago and who was the final nail in the coffin on my marriage) messaged too last night and he genuinely seems concerned for me all the time. Tries to encourage me to feel better etc. He doesn't know about the other one!

I've got one who isn't available who pays me lots of attention and we get on great (always have) and the other, who is available, isn't noticing that this isn't going anywhere!!

Meanwhile, I'm feeling extremely lonely! Unlike him, my family are RIP (even my brother died last year - not that we were close).

Is conversion in general not good with him @NorthAngel ? I would dump for that alone.