Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How do I approach MIL about gift giving

75 replies

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 22:30

Before I start I'm just wanting some friendly advice and support, so please don't spread the hate. TIA.

Me and my husband have 2 children (4 and 1), long history with MIL (52) not seemingly not being interested in them. She was so excited during first pregnancy but 6 months in and it was such an effort to get her to see them. I kept up with inviting her and including her with pictures etc more or less up to eldest second birthday but we really felt we were wasting our time as she showed little or no interest. If we left it without contact she would literally go months. I know people's opinions are not all grandparents have to be involved but from someone who was so vocal about being involved it was hard to comprehend.

Anyway eventually we took a back seat and let her do whatever and the most she sees them within a year now about 3/4 times. She lives fairly close but that's all you get. Usually she only comes about when it's Christmas and birthdays and that's your lot which leads to my question about presents.....

We haven't seen her since May now. My daughters first birthday she forgot the date but eventually just sent a card and an half arsed text to me and that was it. We didn't do parties but she's also in the past been welcomed to be involved anytime. But it's got to the point now my eldest doesn't have a clue who she is at all. Completely oblivious. If we mention her or she ever comes by daughter just ignores her, has a tantrum and says things like 'I don't like her'. We've tried explaining it's grandma blah blah but she won't have it and that's that. MIL does get upset but then doesn't rectify this. We have spoken to her about trying to get to know her granddaughters but she just says she's too busy or that yes she will make an effort but then never does.

Its nearing Christmas now and she'll usually ask what the girls want as a present and ask what they like and this year I'm tempted to tell her just to not bother as she's made very little effort in theirs lives for them to notice her so what's the point in a present? But can't help feeling this is too rash or harsh? We've tried and tried to keep an involvement but short of driving the girls to see her all the time I'm at a loss and don't know how to navigate. TIA x

OP posts:

CaptainMum · 14/09/2022 22:33

I think you're over thinking it and overly emotionally investing. Just say "Jane likes playdoh and Sophie likes teddies." Simple.

HeddaGarbled · 14/09/2022 22:34

I can’t see any reason to do that except to express your annoyance with her, a message she may not even pick up on. Let the children have their presents.

Original poster

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 22:36

I understand your point but the fact she barely sees them just makes me feel there's no point and she's wasting her money? Husband doesn't even know why she bothers at this point.

OP posts:

Maytodecember · 14/09/2022 22:37

My mother was very similar. Never remembered birthdays, wouldn’t have been able to pick out her dgc in a class photo.
Tbh I’d just ignore her, you won’t change her. Let her buy them a Christmas gift, or just say money for their savings accounts, or clothes. My two sometimes got a present, often not, a birthday card often arrived two weeks after their birthday with £5 in it. They didn’t seem bothered.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 14/09/2022 22:39

I think you should open a savings account for the children and whenever she asks, ask her to put some money in there.

Darbs76 · 14/09/2022 22:40

As you say some grandparents do visit periodically like a few times a year. I’d just tell her what the kids are into and carry on as things are. Understand it’s upsetting but if the fact her own grandchildren don’t know who she is, or don’t want to go to her doesn’t prompt her to visit more, nothing will. I guess you’re wanting to say if you don’t come frequently don’t bother. But I wouldn’t push her completely out of their life

Keroppi · 14/09/2022 22:42

Yes, sorry, a bit too harsh. They're only young and she might come into her own years down the line, or she might not and could be more of a distant aunt role than an involved Grandma. Try and let go of any expectations (even ones she tried to set herself when you were pregnant) and just take her as she is. You and your children will be less disappointed then.

Some of my family have never even met my children but they occasionally send a card or post on social media and make all the right noises: "ooh we must get together" etc, it won't happen

I would keep it simple and say what they're into and perhaps a few experience ideas, gift voucher for farm/theme park etc. x

Original poster

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 22:43

Thank you. We have a savings account that they've had since birth. She's been funny with giving money in the past as she didn't want us to SAVE it for the children instead she wanted us to SPEND it on useless crap. But I'll try again and see if that works. If all else fails I'll ask for a specific toy etc, like doll or whatever.

Sorry to hear you had issues with MIL too, glad I'm not alone though. Sometimes I feel like I've done something wrong and not done enough my end.

OP posts:

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 14/09/2022 22:44

That's pointlessly harsh. Who wins from that conversation? Her feelings are hurt and your kids are a gift down.

Live and let live a little; ok she isn't the Gran you hoped she'd be, but is that reason to burn the relationship down?

Original poster

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 22:47

There isn't really a relationship anymore. It's very long to get into too but as I say she literally doesn't bother. She wouldn't be able to tell me 10 things about my kids at all. She doesn't know anything in their lives and doesn't ask or take time to know either. She doesn't bother so much with my son either. At the minute we only see her for her to give gifts despite us trying to build bridges and offer olive branches to do so much more. She's been invited out, for tea but nothing at all.

Yes the kids will have one less gift but I'd rather them have something from someone who cares enough to be in their lives and not just an after thought if you get me

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 22:48

Her son even *my husband

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2022 22:49

Why let these things bother you? I honestly don't get it. Why even talk about it? She only wants to see the kids 3 times a year. Fine, do that then. She wants to buy them presents. Fine.

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 14/09/2022 22:52

But...so what? What's your entry level for gift giving then? Givers must know ten things about your children? See them a certain number of times per calendar year?

Honestly you're making a problem that doesn't need to exist. Smile, say thank you, get on with your life.

Original poster

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 22:55

When I said about people spreading hate this is what I meant. But thank you for your opinion.

I don't have an entry level no, I'm only trying to say that it's like she only buys cause she feels she needs too but isn't interested any other time.

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 14/09/2022 22:57

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 14/09/2022 22:44

That's pointlessly harsh. Who wins from that conversation? Her feelings are hurt and your kids are a gift down.

Live and let live a little; ok she isn't the Gran you hoped she'd be, but is that reason to burn the relationship down?

^ This
Let it go.

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 14/09/2022 22:58

But again...so? If this is the kind of relationship she's capable of, just let it be. You could have the conversation with her but it sounds like it would be the end of your relationship with her altogether, so I guess it's about what you actually want to happen.

If you want her to be a better grandparent, punishing her with the no gift thing is unlikely to do it. If you deep down want to hurt and punish her, then go for it.

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 14/09/2022 23:00

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 22:55

When I said about people spreading hate this is what I meant. But thank you for your opinion.

I don't have an entry level no, I'm only trying to say that it's like she only buys cause she feels she needs too but isn't interested any other time.

Also...spreading hate? You asked for opinions, and I was trying to help you think through the implications of blowing up your relationship to no real end, but never mind.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2022 23:00

Tell her you’re not doing gifts outside of the 4 of you to save money this year. If she says she really wants to get them something ask for a box of biscuits. But I expect she won’t and she’ll just be relieved.

Why have you done all the chasing and photos etc? Where’s your husband? It’s his mother, let him handle all of it. If she asks you about gifts refer her to him. But he should tell her no gifts needed as you’re toning everything right down.

Loopyloopy · 14/09/2022 23:01

If this is what she is willing to engage on, then let her. She cares enough to think about gifts, so let her do that. It's a pity that she's not more engaged, but I think that you need to let go of your expectations and let her do things her way.

Original poster

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 23:04

Mostly when I was on mat leave cause I had the most time and was more accessible than my husband. Believe me I've had the same conversation with him, but he's a typical bloke and needs his ass kicking into gear sometimes. He has sent and invited her a portion of times but I think deep down he's just upset that his mom won't be a mom or a grandma. But I think ideally we need to let go. It would be so much easier if she could leave us be at this point

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 23:05

Sorry but some of the toning came as a bit harsh and abrupt is all. Value your opinion thank you

OP posts:

Hotandbothereds · 14/09/2022 23:06

The only one threatening to ‘spread hate’ is you by suggesting you message your MIL that message.

Say yes DDs have xyz on their Christmas lists, don’t give the rest of it any headspace, you’ll achieve nothing.

You can’t force a relationship but you can destroy what relationship they do currently have by doing what you’re suggesting. Let it go.

Stripedbag101 · 14/09/2022 23:10

we all put a lot of expectations on other people.

your mother in law only wants a peripheral involvement in the children’s life.

the person that should hurt the most is her son.

you won’t change her mind and telling her not to bother with presents is closing a door for your husband - it’s not your relationship to break.

let her buy presents. Accept you aren’t going to get the mother in law and granny you want. You can’t mould people to your will.

in years to come do you want to have to explain to your children that you stopped their grandmother giving them presents? Ir deal with resentment from your husband that you killed the limited relationship he had left with his mum?

yes it sucks she isn’t who your husband and children deserve. But that’s what they have. Adjust your expectations - that’s all you can do

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/09/2022 23:12

CaptainMum · 14/09/2022 22:33

I think you're over thinking it and overly emotionally investing. Just say "Jane likes playdoh and Sophie likes teddies." Simple.

Yes this. Don’t cause yourself extra bother

YouLittleBeauty · 14/09/2022 23:12

None of the replies you've had are hateful?

You asked if it was harsh and people have said yes and gave their reasons why.

I think if you're going to tell her not to bother giving her grandchildren a gifts with the reasoning that you only want them from people who care enough to make more of an effort then you and your husband should maybe have a conversation about going fully no contact with her because her son saying something like to her will not end well and possibly head that way because even if she did visit more, you'd know it's because she's been emotionally blackmailed to so my advise would be to see how your husband feels about going no contact and if it's not something you want I'd really think twice about telling her not to bother.

I totally understand feeling disappointed at her but being as involved as you initially thought and seeing her relationship with the children isn't as you'd hoped. I do think you're being harsh and describing posts that have disagreed with you as "spreading the hate" is also a bit harsh.

Flip

1 2 3