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Original poster

How do I approach MIL about gift giving

75 replies

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 22:30

Before I start I'm just wanting some friendly advice and support, so please don't spread the hate. TIA.

Me and my husband have 2 children (4 and 1), long history with MIL (52) not seemingly not being interested in them. She was so excited during first pregnancy but 6 months in and it was such an effort to get her to see them. I kept up with inviting her and including her with pictures etc more or less up to eldest second birthday but we really felt we were wasting our time as she showed little or no interest. If we left it without contact she would literally go months. I know people's opinions are not all grandparents have to be involved but from someone who was so vocal about being involved it was hard to comprehend.

Anyway eventually we took a back seat and let her do whatever and the most she sees them within a year now about 3/4 times. She lives fairly close but that's all you get. Usually she only comes about when it's Christmas and birthdays and that's your lot which leads to my question about presents.....

We haven't seen her since May now. My daughters first birthday she forgot the date but eventually just sent a card and an half arsed text to me and that was it. We didn't do parties but she's also in the past been welcomed to be involved anytime. But it's got to the point now my eldest doesn't have a clue who she is at all. Completely oblivious. If we mention her or she ever comes by daughter just ignores her, has a tantrum and says things like 'I don't like her'. We've tried explaining it's grandma blah blah but she won't have it and that's that. MIL does get upset but then doesn't rectify this. We have spoken to her about trying to get to know her granddaughters but she just says she's too busy or that yes she will make an effort but then never does.

Its nearing Christmas now and she'll usually ask what the girls want as a present and ask what they like and this year I'm tempted to tell her just to not bother as she's made very little effort in theirs lives for them to notice her so what's the point in a present? But can't help feeling this is too rash or harsh? We've tried and tried to keep an involvement but short of driving the girls to see her all the time I'm at a loss and don't know how to navigate. TIA x

OP posts:
Loopyloopy · 14/09/2022 23:13

I realise that it's disappointing, but she is not actually doing anything bad, from the kids' perspective. Your kids are still very young, and lots of people struggle to relate to kids that young. Your kids may be able to build a relationship with her as they get older, or they may not. Either way, I would not preclude the possibility of that relationship in the future by sending what I think is actually a pretty goady text.

Stripedbag101 · 14/09/2022 23:14

I wonder are you spoiling for a fight with her OP? You seem quick to flare up.

it’s not your fight to have.

from what you have said this woman is causing emotional or physical harm to the children or you or your husband. Your justification for cutting her off is she isn’t involved enough? Seems counterintuitive. She doesn’t some to see us often enough so we have stopped her coming at all.

Stripedbag101 · 14/09/2022 23:15

This woman is not causing harm that should have said!

Original poster
Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 23:16

I guess I didn't think about it like that thank you. I was only thinking of trying to protect them from being hurt by her in the future, for example if they ask to see her and she let's them down like she does now but they remember or they ever ask why they don't see her if she's mentioned they see pictures etc, and we say (not as blunt) that she doesn't visit often or something. At the end of the day I just want to tey and protect them and my husband.

This message is from my husband as well. He's on a similar page to me with her and cba with her anymore. He's sick of the half arsed gifts and her not seeing them for who they are.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 14/09/2022 23:18

Could you say something like...

"They've got so many toys already, experiences would be great instead, you could book them tickets to x farm (or whatever local attraction) and come along"

Original poster
Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 23:20

No fights just a direction on how best to handle the situation.

We (I say we as it's me and my husband) only want to cut a tie cause of the upset its causing our family. On black and white it seems nothing to other people but when you're in it and you feel like you've done something wrong continually it's hard. It's also hard to watch this woman just not give two shits about them all

OP posts:
Hotandbothereds · 14/09/2022 23:32

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 23:16

I guess I didn't think about it like that thank you. I was only thinking of trying to protect them from being hurt by her in the future, for example if they ask to see her and she let's them down like she does now but they remember or they ever ask why they don't see her if she's mentioned they see pictures etc, and we say (not as blunt) that she doesn't visit often or something. At the end of the day I just want to tey and protect them and my husband.

This message is from my husband as well. He's on a similar page to me with her and cba with her anymore. He's sick of the half arsed gifts and her not seeing them for who they are.

You’re projecting ideas here that haven’t even happened, the concept that she might let them down in the future is just your way of trying to justify kicking off with her.

Fudgemaker · 14/09/2022 23:38

Leave it to your husband to deal with HIS mother, not everyone has had grandparents in their life and that's ok. You're overly worrying. If she eventually asks about Christmas presents deal with it then but it's only September!

Loopyloopy · 14/09/2022 23:54

I think it sounds like it's you and your husband that are hurt by this, not the kids. Which I understand. However, I think that the kids don't really have grounds to expect anything different, so they won't be disappointed. If she lets them down in the future, then deal with it then - don't borrow trouble.

Loopyloopy · 15/09/2022 00:00

I didn't have a real relationship with my grandfather until I was in my 30s. As a child, it was a similar pattern to the one you are describing. It never bothered me because I didn't know any different. As I got older, I heard about other people's involved grandfathers, but it never occurred to me to be upset by it - I had enough supportive adults in my life. I'm glad I got the distant relationship that I did get, rather than nothing.

Jalepenojello · 15/09/2022 00:02

She has her own relationship with her grandchildren. It’s less involved than some, more involved than others. It’s her relationship to maintain. Why are you picking over present giving? They aren’t your presents. I’d also be embarrassed at my kids saying “I don’t like you” and I’d be nipping that immediately. How rude.

ToFindNewWays · 15/09/2022 00:03

You’re getting a hard time on here.

lt does hurt when a grandparent is indifferent. You’re not being unreasonable about it. It’s a shame and she is a massive disappointment.

But I agree to let her buy gifts and answer simply with your kids’ interests/likings.

Loopyloopy · 15/09/2022 00:08

Ellieisdancing · 14/09/2022 23:20

No fights just a direction on how best to handle the situation.

We (I say we as it's me and my husband) only want to cut a tie cause of the upset its causing our family. On black and white it seems nothing to other people but when you're in it and you feel like you've done something wrong continually it's hard. It's also hard to watch this woman just not give two shits about them all

I don't think the "not give two shits" thing is really fair. She is never going to live up to your expectations, so just let them go - they are only going to hurt you. She wants to engage in her terms, so just let her - it's her loss!

Isthisjustnormal · 15/09/2022 00:09

Agree with everyone else: just say 'Money for their savings would be great - if you''d rather, they'd appreciate x or y'. She's not got the grandparent relationship you'd like her to have, but that's no reason to cut off any relationship at all. Make peace with a lower key relationship, and move on

Cameleongirl · 15/09/2022 00:26

I used to feel angry about my IL’s lack of effort with my children, but as OP’s have advised, I’ve let go of it and accepted that my teenagers barely know them. They gave some rubbish gifts in the past (think items with sale/clearance stickers on them and it was obvious why as they were so naff!) and now the children get abit of money at Christmas and birthdays. I’ve never suggested that they don’t give any presents, though, I can’t see the point, tbh.

It’s disappointing, but my Dad/SM have made much more effort and guess who the children are closer to? You reap what you sow.

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 15/09/2022 00:27

OP you said "Usually she only comes about when it's Christmas and birthdays and that's your lot which leads to my question about presents....."
So she does care, just is not putting in as much effort as you would like. Which is understandably disappointing, but many grandparents are like that.

Your post comes across as though you want to lash out at her. Again I get why, but that is not fair on your DCs. She has not done anything wrong, she just has not met your expectations. That's life.

MMmomDD · 15/09/2022 00:33

OP - I think you are overreacting and making drama where there doesn’t need to be. She isn’t a kind of grandmother you’ve liked, but - it’s not a reason to sever your H’s relationship with his mom, and your kids future relationship with one of their grandmothers.
It sounds like all of this is coming from you - and it is strange and controlling.

I grew up close to one of my GM, and seeing my other GM only a few times a year. My mom didn’t have a good relationship with her, as she kicked out my alcoholic father - but she facilitated it nevertheless. I am happy she did - as even as my relationship with that GM was different to my other GM - it still was there. I knew her, and have some good memories.
She didn’t know me the way my other GM did, she wasn't involved, etc - but she still was in my life.

Just because MIL doesn’t deliver on your expectation of what a GM should be like -doesn’t mean you need to ‘protect your children’ by erasing her from their life.

In addition - if she is actually only 52 - she must have had kids very young, to be a GM already. I can see why she may not be terribly interested in little children.
She missed her youth raising kids. So - it’s not something she seeks out now.

Plus - as you don’t mention her partner - she is single, or dating… And certainly working still.
So yes - she is busy. Her life is probably quite busy too.

Autumnisclose · 15/09/2022 00:49

She's not going to be the Gran you want for your DCs. Nothing you can do about that. I don't see the point in falling out over it to make your point. She doesn't have to play the part of Gran if she doesn't want to. Her loss. I guarantee in 15 years when they're grown up, she will moan about she doesn't see them etc.

CJsGoldfish · 15/09/2022 00:53

Yes, you can absolutely use the children as a means to punish her for not being the grandparent you want her to be. That'll show her 🙄

timeforthebeach · 15/09/2022 01:19

I can't see a problem. One less person to stress about visiting. Let her be as involved or not as she likes and take the gifts. Ask for useful stuff that you would have to buy anyway such as pyjamas.
She may be more interested when the kids get older and they can interact more. Seems like a non-issue to me. You just need to come to terms with the fact that she isn't bothered.

timeforthebeach · 15/09/2022 01:21

Also, if she asks, send a specific link to stuff that you would like with sizes (if clothing) so you get what you want.

Dinoteeth · 15/09/2022 01:28

SunshineAndFizz · 14/09/2022 23:18

Could you say something like...

"They've got so many toys already, experiences would be great instead, you could book them tickets to x farm (or whatever local attraction) and come along"

That makes most sense to me.

Barbequebeans64 · 15/09/2022 02:09

You could always lead on this one now op and send a text and make it sound like you're asking everyone for money for the kids savings or for a day out of something?

CuteCillian · 15/09/2022 02:11

Thing is at 52 she is presumably working (maybe at the peak of her career?) and may still be busy with other DC still in education? You may find in 10 or more years, she is the perfect GM for things like shopping/theatre breaks etc. with your teenagers! Don't burn bridges now, just smile and rise above her disinterest.

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 15/09/2022 02:27

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 14/09/2022 22:44

That's pointlessly harsh. Who wins from that conversation? Her feelings are hurt and your kids are a gift down.

Live and let live a little; ok she isn't the Gran you hoped she'd be, but is that reason to burn the relationship down?

This

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