How do I approach MIL about gift giving

[Ellieisdancing]

Before I start I'm just wanting some friendly advice and support, so please don't spread the hate. TIA.

Me and my husband have 2 children (4 and 1), long history with MIL (52) not seemingly not being interested in them. She was so excited during first pregnancy but 6 months in and it was such an effort to get her to see them. I kept up with inviting her and including her with pictures etc more or less up to eldest second birthday but we really felt we were wasting our time as she showed little or no interest. If we left it without contact she would literally go months. I know people's opinions are not all grandparents have to be involved but from someone who was so vocal about being involved it was hard to comprehend.

Anyway eventually we took a back seat and let her do whatever and the most she sees them within a year now about 3/4 times. She lives fairly close but that's all you get. Usually she only comes about when it's Christmas and birthdays and that's your lot which leads to my question about presents.....

We haven't seen her since May now. My daughters first birthday she forgot the date but eventually just sent a card and an half arsed text to me and that was it. We didn't do parties but she's also in the past been welcomed to be involved anytime. But it's got to the point now my eldest doesn't have a clue who she is at all. Completely oblivious. If we mention her or she ever comes by daughter just ignores her, has a tantrum and says things like 'I don't like her'. We've tried explaining it's grandma blah blah but she won't have it and that's that. MIL does get upset but then doesn't rectify this. We have spoken to her about trying to get to know her granddaughters but she just says she's too busy or that yes she will make an effort but then never does.

Its nearing Christmas now and she'll usually ask what the girls want as a present and ask what they like and this year I'm tempted to tell her just to not bother as she's made very little effort in theirs lives for them to notice her so what's the point in a present? But can't help feeling this is too rash or harsh? We've tried and tried to keep an involvement but short of driving the girls to see her all the time I'm at a loss and don't know how to navigate. TIA x

How often she visits her grandchildren and what presents she should buy them are two totally different issues.

Let the kids have a present.

Deal with her visits separately!

She's 52. Perhaps she doesn't like the grandma bit. I wouldn't. Are you patronising her in any way like she's an old person do you think.
Grandma 😲

I'm a grandparent in my mid 50s. We both still work full time and to be honest, struggle to see a lot of the grandchildren. Work is stressful and busy and weekends are quite precious for downtime. I also have an elderly mother who I see every weekend as she needs help.
It's not clear what your MILs situation is, but I'd cut her a bit of slack if she's working. I'd hate to think my DIL was suggesting I'm not interested, just because I don't see a lot of them.
Hopefully there will be more time when I retire in a few years, it may be the same for her

She’s only a few years older than me and I have an 11 year old. Presumably she is working full time. Does she drive/ have a partner? Perhaps that is an element to it. I’m not sure you’ve mentioned the relationship your dc have with their grandad?
You seem to be wanting to let her know her gp skills are lacking. This is about you, not your dc.

The thing is, she already raised her kids. She's in a different stage of life now and is doing what she wants to do. No need to throw a tantrum about Christmas when it's only September. Not all grandparents want to be super involved and that's their choice. Try not to take it so personally.

Just let her do what she wants. It’s a shame she isn’t a more engaged GP but it’s not really for you to tell her not to buy presents.

It's the disappointment though, isn't it? Your MIL was all excited about the first baby and then - nothing. If she'd said 'oh I've no interest in babies, don't expect me to be involved at all' you'd have known where you stood from the off.

She's still young at 52 and could have a lovely time with your children but she's chosen not to. Shame but there we are.

Try to let it go, you can't force it. Don't make it a big thing with your DC, the eldest of whom already sounds like she's got a handle on what's going on.

Yep 52 is very young these days to have a 4yo grandchild. She's probably in denial! 😂Wait and see how it goes.
I don't even understand what you mean by refusing her presents for the children. Were you going to send them back unopened via courier?
It's very strange that the worst thing you can say about your MIL is that she only sees her grandchildren for their birthdays and xmas and so she shouldn't be allowed to give them presents at all.
Coming across a bit agro and demanding OP - my way or the highway type thing.
Give her a short list and move on with your day. I have a sneaky suspicion that she knows she isn't your favourite person btw. People aren't dim , and they don't tend to go where they aren't wanted.
Also, if she sees so little of the gc's how do they know they don't like her?

I had a gran like this - we rarely saw her and she just bought us occasional rubbish gifts like clothes that were for the wrong age.
My other nan was the opposite and quite overbearing - my parents struggled to stop her tagging along to all our outings.
Neither affected me in a negative way.

Honestly it's not worth stressing about. Everyone's different and you just get on with it.

If my DC had children all probably be more like the distant gran!

I’m not hurt about my distant Grandfather because I never had a close relationship with him and barely thought about him. I think the only person who should feel a little sad about it is your dh. I doubt your children will care in the slightest. If you make a big deal out of it, you will simply create a problem for everyone.

I think you just have to accept she's not the gran you hoped for . I would not go out my way to initiate contact but if she contacts you about gifts tell her what your daughters would like .
There may be other things going on in her life that are taking her focus away . She may be more involved as the children get older and more interesting , who knows , she may not particularly like babies / toddlers and showed interest before to appear polite . We just don't know .
Focus on your own parents and family I would .

Honestly OP this seems to be more about you than her or them.

We all think that other people should view our children in the same way as we do. And that especially family should want a lovely relationship with them, but that’s just not how it works.

She sees them a couple of times a year. Fine. That’s the same kind of relationship that children who don’t live close to grandparents have.

And I honestly don’t get this idea that they cry when she comes to visit. Maybe the youngest when she was a baby and doesn’t want to be held etc, but a 4 year old shouldn’t be crying when someone comes to visit. She’s old enough to know that’s her grandma, presumably she knows she has a grandma that she doesn’t really see, so I wonder if you’re projecting your own feelings on to her.

I grew up abroad and never met any of my grandparents until I was 4. But they were just people who happened to be my grandparents, I didn’t cry when introduced to other people so why would this be different?

I think you’re being overly harsh. Your MIL is early 50s does she still work full time? Do you and your DH work too as this would impact on visiting opportunities. How often do you visit her as the road travels both ways. My PIL didn’t drive and used public transport once (we were less than 10 bus stops away) because we wanted our children to have a relationship with their grandparents we took them every weekend, not for long, sometimes only 30 minutes or so, to ensure that there was a bond built between them. So many parents on MN justifiably complain about their PIL but a lot could make a compromise for the sake of their children’s relationship with their GP as well as their own. Does your DH have an opinion on your question?

She's only 52!! That's my age!! She's probably not ready to be a doting granny!

Accept her for what she is and stop trying to make her some Disney granny.

It doesn't have to be hard whatsoever. It's as hard as you choose to make it.
My father is like this. That's fine, that's who he is. He is allowed to make his own choices about how much time he spends with his dc and dgc. Which is about once a year. I don't pay it any heed whatsoever.

I get the impression op you think after not bothering (and you're allowed to be disappointed about this! ) that her buying presents will act as a sort of shortcut back into "acceptable grandmother" territory? (Nb you haven't said if your FIL is the same or if you have different expectations from MIL because she's female).

I don't think you need to worry that she's 'cheating the system' or anything. If she wants to be a distant gift-sender, it's a bit crap, but that's what she seems to want. You don't need to punish her, and you don't need to think she's amazing for sending gifts. It is what it is.

She wants to give them a gift, why not approach this from a different angle then - ask her to put the money in to prize bonds or into a savings account for the children? She could put money in as and when she wanted to and when they reach the age of 16, they get access to this account. She could be the altruistic grandmother!

If she doesn't go for that, then drop the rope. She really doesn't want to be involved and no matter how much dragging her to be involved will make her want to be involved.

I'd be tempted to tell her they'd just like a grandmother.

If anyone has such a conversation with her about presents it needs to come from your H but I would not bother anyway. Such people are not going to change.

My parents were (and remain) uninvolved grandparents and it is hard when you see and read about other grandparents having more involvement with their grandchildren because you do think, "what's gone wrong" and blame yourself for feeling sort of left out. I did not take my mother's warning all that seriously stating that if I went onto have children she would not look after them. I was a teenager at the time she said that mind you.

I am now nearly at the age my mum was went my son was born. At the time he was born they were in their late 50s, lived nearby and were in good health; my dad was working part time and my mum was a housewife. I did speak to them about this and the upshot was neither of them wanted the weight of responsibility; even if it was just for an hour or two.

A previous respondent wrote this comment re your MIL:
"I guarantee in 15 years when they're grown up, she will moan about she doesn't see them etc"

In my case this scenario never happened, my now adult son over the years since twigged for himself what sort of people his grandparents are. I would continue to cultivate friendships and relationship with people, not just relatives, who like and care about you. Doing this helped mitigate some of the pain.

It's all very well people writing, "it is what it is" and such like (I was told similar by friends) and in particular "it's their loss" (they did not see it as a loss) because such comments, whilst well meant, can serve to undermine your own very real feelings.

Some grandparents are a bit shit, unfortunately. Your DC are only likely to suffer, however, if you awkwardly try to force the bond. I'd dial down all the "This is granny!" stuff when she visits, make her a cup of tea and leave the children to their play rather than expecting them to be excited to see her or to interact with her.

For the gifts, I'd ask her for generic stuff like playdoh, craft or small duplo sets and either keep if useful or otherwise put in the loft and regift at nursery/school parties. Always useful to have a stash for those!

The gifts ARE her involvement.

I'm not one for the love languages thing, but some people simply can't do the interaction/emotional stuff. So instead they show their connection to someone via gifts. It's less stressful.

To be honest, it's going to be pretty hard for her to change and start visiting more if your children are now telling her they don't like her. Gifts are all she has.

You need to accept that she only wants to see them 4 tImes a year with a gift. Many families are like that and people get along fine when they meet up.

You need to realise that it's not personal. Your kids are still great and she would act like this regardless of who her son married and whatever the kids were like. I understand that her previous enthusiasm might have led to some expectations but she's showing you how she wants to bond with your family so you need to try and accept it. It doesn't sound like she's a bad person - just uninterested in your family which isn't a reason to go NC imo. You don't need to go out of your way for someone like this but just see her 4 times a year.

Some people show love by gift giving. I know you'd rather she spent time but she's thought of your kids when buying gifts which is the sort of level that she's at.

This is such a good take, you can’t dictate how people are, but if this is what she’s doing then cutting it off entirely isn’t going to make anything ‘better’ (in your opinion)

This!