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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I broke up with my boyfriend because of his mom

68 replies

Endoloop · 14/09/2022 18:43

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (I'm 25, he's 31) yesterday because of issues surrounding his relationship with his mom.
He has a very close relationship with her, his dad died when he was 15 (he's 31 now) and his mom developed anxiety and depression which has led her to not work and for him to still live with her. She doesn't leave the house and she is financially dependent on him as she will not claim benefits.
She has never met any of his girlfriends and he says she has issues with forming relationships, he could never stay the night with me because she would get anxiety if he left so in 2 years, we spent 4 nights together. We also couldn't do anything spontaneous as she wouldn't be prepared for it.
I did really love him and I can't figure out when it all went wrong, our relationship has been very up and down and he hasn't always been nice to me and I probably haven't been nice to him at times either. But he never made the effort to form relationships with my family and only ever met them once in 2 years and even then he was in a foul mood which set me on edge.
About 18 months into the relationship I realised he smoked weed everyday which I probably guessed I was naive, but as someone who has never been around drugs I just thought it was the odd spliff occasionally. So from that point on I began to think if I really do want to live with someone who smokes this everyday. I also feel like I outgrew him, I bought my own home and got a senior position at work, he didn't have ambition and had a low grade job which I never had a problem with but he hated working there because of how they treated him and whenever I encouraged him to go back to college and retrain to do something he wanted he just shrugged it off. Over time, this lack of ambition and laziness became unattractive to me. He'd sleep until mid afternoon and it meant we didn't get to spend a lot of time together.
We had an argument a few days ago as we broke up in June 2022,i ended it because of the issues with his mom, which he promised would change (I would like to be with someone who I could rely on, who I could go round to their house, become part of the family and they become part of mine and because of his situation with his mom it was never going to be like that). Anyway, when he persuaded me to get back together in July 2022,he said things would changed and he'd booked us to go to thorpe park and I was to drive as it was on the motorway. My car has issues at the moment with the clutch and I didn't want to drive it all the way there with a dodgy clutch so I asked if he could drive. His response was that we'd have to cancel as he hasn't ever driven on the motorway before because it causes his mom to have panic attacks. I told him this annoyed me and he rang me very defensive saying I was self centred and I was in the wrong and I am the one taking antidepressants (just started as have been struggling with work related anxiety) which I felt was a low blow and felt like it was a dig at me. This caused us to break up because I feel like our relationship will never go anywhere.
When it's been 2 years and I'm no where near meeting his mom, can't go to his house, can't park outside his house as it gives her anxiety, can't go away or on holidays or get him to get to know my family, it all just becomes too much!

When he messages me now he keeps saying after what you've done I can't take it. I feel like he just isn't getting how strange and difficult it can be for me on the other end. We have had many arguments over this situation and I understand its hard for him as its his mom, but I just feel like he could maybe have talked to her and tried to get her to meet me or overcome some of her anxieties in some way.

I'm sorry if it's long or I sound like a brat, but I just needed to vent. I don't regret breaking up with him as I now know what I want from a relationship and how miserable it made me feel. But am I being out of order for being so mad he can't do anything because of his mother??? I understand she has anxiety, but I just don't understand how it's stopping both his and her lives and they just don't seem to see that 😔

Thanks for letting me vent! Xx

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 14/09/2022 21:42

Please just ditch him, you will be much happier without this waste of space.

hobbledyhoy · 14/09/2022 21:49

I think you've definitely made the right decision. Congratulate yourself on dodging a bullet.

Surtsey · 14/09/2022 22:17

Basket20 · 14/09/2022 21:39

Don't know why people think he has a gf. Mothers like this absolutely do exist.

They certainly do. I know a mum and son like this. They go on holiday together, out for meals, to the cinema, everything. He's had several girlfriends who have lasted maybe two or three years, but in the end it is always back to mum. There is definitely some sort of emotional co-dependency. I don't know them very well, but it has always struck me as being odd.

youtwoandme · 14/09/2022 22:53

I believe he's married or at least with a long term partner. There's not a doubt in my mind.

BadNomad · 15/09/2022 00:17

He's not weird and creepy. He is the victim of emotional incest. This woman has made her son responsible for her from the age of 15. The fear and guilt he will have - for trying to have something normal in his life - is unimaginable. It is awful. They both need therapy. Ending this unhealthy dynamic is not easy or simple.

savethatkitty · 15/09/2022 01:13

He is a train wreck. Dodged a bullet there.

Ihaveamagicwand · 15/09/2022 01:31

Yup, I started thinking of Norman Bates in Psycho about halfway through the OP! Could just imagine the “Oh no, Mother wouldn’t like that.” comment from him.
You haven’t so much dodged a bullet as dodged a shower scene OP, keep running for those hills!!!

Doggydarling · 15/09/2022 01:57

You've gotten away, now stay away. I've seen two people in the situation your ex is in, they are brother and sister whose lives were completely run (and ruined) by their mother. The are in their 70's now, both still living in the family home which looks like it's stuck in the 1950/1960's, their father died when they were teens and from then on their mother wouldn't allow them to move on, the brother got as far as getting engaged, the mother threatened suicide, the relationship finished, he's never had another, the sister was stunning looking and so nice, but the mother saw off man after man that showed interest, the years went on and as the mother aged her demands increased leaving less and less time for the community activities both siblings were involved in until they were hardly seen at all, by then they'd both retired from work and us neighbours believe the mother didn't want them having outside interests in the now increased free time, the mother lived into her 90's leaving behind her children who were in their 70's still living more or less as they did as teenagers. Be glad you got away, let's hope your ex manages to do the same but don't ever ever be tempted to go back to try help him.

Iwonder08 · 15/09/2022 02:32

What a lucky escape on time! Congratulations. You have potentially saved yourself a few years of misery and suffering. A friend of mine is just going trough a horrible separation triggered by a psychotic MIL. She wishes she listened to her gut feelingg and broke up with him before they got married.

QueenCamilla · 15/09/2022 03:02

Google, snoop and go round to the house.
There are so many possibilities of what's going on in that house and None of them are good.
I don't believe the "mother who no one has seen" scenario either. Unless she's mummified in the closet whilst he's claiming her pension.

OP, you very well may have heard his mum on the phone but how do you know she's in THAT house?

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 15/09/2022 05:31

QueenCamilla · 15/09/2022 03:02

OP, you very well may have heard his mum on the phone but how do you know she's in THAT house?

This is bad advice. You have, wisely, ended the relationship. You don't need to know 'what is going on in that house' because it is no longer your problem. Enjoy your new improved life, don't waste any more of it on this rather pathetic individual.

JaffaCake70 · 15/09/2022 06:26

My Brother has a friend who's in his 50's who's in the same situation. He has given up his entire adult life to look after his Mother who suffers from similar issues to your ex's Mother.

Run for the hills, this situation will never change, it is co dependent and you don't factor into the equation.

DarceyG · 15/09/2022 06:57

JaffaCake70 · 15/09/2022 06:26

My Brother has a friend who's in his 50's who's in the same situation. He has given up his entire adult life to look after his Mother who suffers from similar issues to your ex's Mother.

Run for the hills, this situation will never change, it is co dependent and you don't factor into the equation.

I agree. It’s unfortunate for the man in this situation but it leads to unhappiness trying to have a normal relationship with a man like this.

A mother like this grooms the child from a young age to emotionally take the role a partner should have.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 15/09/2022 09:34

I have a colleague that lived with his mother until she passed away. He was in his 50's. He then very quickly got involved with a woman who treated him exactly like his mother did. It ended badly.

He also has terrible social skills and I think it's because his mother hated him leaving the house. It's all very sad really, but it does happen.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 15/09/2022 10:35

You don't sound like a brat, you sound like a sensible young woman who has made a good decision to get away from these two unhinged people. Run and don't look back.

GotYouJerry · 15/09/2022 12:13

He’s horrible and you’re being far too nice and agreeable about his many many faults.

Mandala8Dreams · 15/09/2022 12:33

You are young & 25

Relationships with friends & boy/girl friends should be fun, go places together, laugh, cry, plan things to do in the future together

Find new friends, new hobbies, book yourself a day out or a long weekend or a holiday so that you have something to look forward to. If you have issues with your car, get bus, train or plane.

You have so much life to explore !

Do not get back with your ex

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/09/2022 12:35

You're on a hiding to nothing with him and his mother. Best to get out and move on.

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