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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I broke up with my boyfriend because of his mom

68 replies

Endoloop · 14/09/2022 18:43

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (I'm 25, he's 31) yesterday because of issues surrounding his relationship with his mom.
He has a very close relationship with her, his dad died when he was 15 (he's 31 now) and his mom developed anxiety and depression which has led her to not work and for him to still live with her. She doesn't leave the house and she is financially dependent on him as she will not claim benefits.
She has never met any of his girlfriends and he says she has issues with forming relationships, he could never stay the night with me because she would get anxiety if he left so in 2 years, we spent 4 nights together. We also couldn't do anything spontaneous as she wouldn't be prepared for it.
I did really love him and I can't figure out when it all went wrong, our relationship has been very up and down and he hasn't always been nice to me and I probably haven't been nice to him at times either. But he never made the effort to form relationships with my family and only ever met them once in 2 years and even then he was in a foul mood which set me on edge.
About 18 months into the relationship I realised he smoked weed everyday which I probably guessed I was naive, but as someone who has never been around drugs I just thought it was the odd spliff occasionally. So from that point on I began to think if I really do want to live with someone who smokes this everyday. I also feel like I outgrew him, I bought my own home and got a senior position at work, he didn't have ambition and had a low grade job which I never had a problem with but he hated working there because of how they treated him and whenever I encouraged him to go back to college and retrain to do something he wanted he just shrugged it off. Over time, this lack of ambition and laziness became unattractive to me. He'd sleep until mid afternoon and it meant we didn't get to spend a lot of time together.
We had an argument a few days ago as we broke up in June 2022,i ended it because of the issues with his mom, which he promised would change (I would like to be with someone who I could rely on, who I could go round to their house, become part of the family and they become part of mine and because of his situation with his mom it was never going to be like that). Anyway, when he persuaded me to get back together in July 2022,he said things would changed and he'd booked us to go to thorpe park and I was to drive as it was on the motorway. My car has issues at the moment with the clutch and I didn't want to drive it all the way there with a dodgy clutch so I asked if he could drive. His response was that we'd have to cancel as he hasn't ever driven on the motorway before because it causes his mom to have panic attacks. I told him this annoyed me and he rang me very defensive saying I was self centred and I was in the wrong and I am the one taking antidepressants (just started as have been struggling with work related anxiety) which I felt was a low blow and felt like it was a dig at me. This caused us to break up because I feel like our relationship will never go anywhere.
When it's been 2 years and I'm no where near meeting his mom, can't go to his house, can't park outside his house as it gives her anxiety, can't go away or on holidays or get him to get to know my family, it all just becomes too much!

When he messages me now he keeps saying after what you've done I can't take it. I feel like he just isn't getting how strange and difficult it can be for me on the other end. We have had many arguments over this situation and I understand its hard for him as its his mom, but I just feel like he could maybe have talked to her and tried to get her to meet me or overcome some of her anxieties in some way.

I'm sorry if it's long or I sound like a brat, but I just needed to vent. I don't regret breaking up with him as I now know what I want from a relationship and how miserable it made me feel. But am I being out of order for being so mad he can't do anything because of his mother??? I understand she has anxiety, but I just don't understand how it's stopping both his and her lives and they just don't seem to see that 😔

Thanks for letting me vent! Xx

OP posts:

OriginalUsername2 · 14/09/2022 20:08

Have you met this mother at all?

Elieza · 14/09/2022 20:08

Just reread what I put. Meant to put surely she’s NOT his mum.

(Ie she’s his wife.)

LuckyLil · 14/09/2022 20:09

As you've already worked out, he's already in a relationship. Just not with you..

ILoveMonday · 14/09/2022 20:12

More issues than just his mum OP. You can do much better.

Lizzaa · 14/09/2022 20:12

Easy to find out though if you know where he lives. Go knock on the door, if it's an elderly lady say sorry wrong house 😃

FlorettaB · 14/09/2022 20:17

He’s just not worth the headspace. You’re 25, single, have a good job and your own home. Apart from Leonardo Dicaprio, the work is your oyster. A bare minimum requirement would be someone who can live his life without a permission slip from his mother.

FlorettaB · 14/09/2022 20:17

World

DarceyG · 14/09/2022 20:22

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/09/2022 19:25

Him being married was my first thought too. Anyway he’s not relationship material.

Yes to his mother! It really is hard to believe that men like exist. Believe me they do! There’s actually book out called married to Mom. I had to Google all this stuff when I met someone like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2022 20:28

He is in an enmeshed relationship with his mother and such men rarely if ever change, let alone escape from their relationship. It is indeed hard to believe that men with mothers like this actually exist but they most certainly do.

Annabananna1 · 14/09/2022 20:33

Also thought he was married.
It just doesn't really make sense.

You haven't met her in 2yrs despite him living there....
Nah. I call Bullshit.

Always4Brenner · 14/09/2022 20:39

You are well rid of this you’ve done the right thing you’re life would hell on earth , you run and don’t look back. I’m telling loads today run simply because I am and can’t wait to have my live on my own terms.

thistimelastweek · 14/09/2022 20:41

Mum's weird.
He's weird.
Leave them to it.

DarceyG · 14/09/2022 20:47

Annabananna1 · 14/09/2022 20:33

Also thought he was married.
It just doesn't really make sense.

You haven't met her in 2yrs despite him living there....
Nah. I call Bullshit.

Didn’t make sense to me either but the guy I knew barely left his mothers side. I’d only been seeing him a week and she told him she’d been searching for me on Facebook! I don’t have one. Checking out the competition😳 I was so freaked out by that family.

firstmummy2019 · 14/09/2022 20:53

Ihatethenewlook · 14/09/2022 18:53

You sure he’s not living with another woman op? I mean a partner, not his mum. I’m seriously doubting his mother has some sort of weird anxiety that disallows him from having his girlfriends car outside his house 🙄

This! Sounds like he has a second family that you don't know about. Can't go to his house. Park outside it. Never met any of his family. All sounds very suspect.

Skelligsfeathers · 14/09/2022 21:08

Ihatethenewlook · 14/09/2022 18:53

This!!!!!

ganvough · 14/09/2022 21:16

There's a lot of absolutely unhinged mums. It's called emotional incest (read up on it) when a mum treats her son like a husband. It's f-g creepy and you should run far far far away. His situation sounds severe enough that I wouldn't be surprised if their relationship didn't cross every boundary there is, like them sharing a bed as she's too anxious to sleep alone - explains why he smokes weed and doesn't want to spend nights i.e be intimate with you.

Never ever go back and be grateful you haven't seen them together, it might have traumatised you.

Also read Psycho. Norman Bates character? That's him.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2022 21:19

Breaking up with him is the smartest fucking thing you've ever done. Thank god you have sense. Now, please do the second smartest thing you could do and block him. Make sure he can't contact you in any way. You need to move on and keep him firmly in the past. Two years wasted is more than enough.

ganvough · 14/09/2022 21:20

Also read up on maternal enmeshment. The advice of therapists always is, if you're with a man who's enmeshed to his mother - leave. It will take years and years of therapy before he maybe learns to be independent.

Hopeandlove · 14/09/2022 21:20

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2022 18:50

You need to block him if you have not already done this.

You grew up and he has not. He will likely be the same in 10 years time.

His mother and he are in an enmeshed relationship with each other and it won’t change readily if at all, theirs is a dance of codependency and there’s no room for girlfriends. He will always be comparing them to his mother and they will be found wanting.

This. You broke up with him after 2 years for me it would have been 6 months tops - he’s a child

ShowTime80 · 14/09/2022 21:32

He sounds awful OP, and you are way better off without. Aside from the enmeshment with his mother, smoking weed daily and not getting up till noon is deeply deeply unattractive and a sign that he doesn't value life enough.

The not wanting to drive in the motorway is unattractive and sorry but if the best he can do for a special day out is Thorpe park then that speaks volumes.

I think you need to move in from discussing it with him now. Block him if needs be.

GG1986 · 14/09/2022 21:35

You've definitely dodged a bullet and do not go back! You would never be able to move in together, get married or have babies because of her issues, I feel a bit sorry for him, but the last thing you want is to put your life on hold for him.

momtoboys · 14/09/2022 21:37

I think you need to go back and read your original post and see how many things are wrong with this man/child. You just keep right on walking out of that relationship. What a loser.

momtoboys · 14/09/2022 21:37

Loser = him not you!

Basket20 · 14/09/2022 21:39

Don't know why people think he has a gf. Mothers like this absolutely do exist.

FreyaStorm · 14/09/2022 21:40

Yeah so I think his ‘mom’ is actually his wife. That’s the only way to explain his odd behaviour and only having spent 4 nights with you in 2 years.

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